Support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh thread 4

[Lilacpink40]

Hi all

I'm pretty sure you need his permission to get a passport. Over here the police can say its unreasonable to deny a passport no matter what a parent says - is that true in the UK?

Oh I hope not!
I'll get the forms tommorow and have a look if there is anything on there about his permission, I would of thought if a person did deny the passport and you took it to court saying you wanted to take them on a short holiday abroad and ex has no reason to object other than just being bitter that it wouldn't matter. Just seems like so much hassle and I'm almost scared just to bring it up with him not knowing which way it will go.
I don't know what's harder, being in a relationship with him vs being controlled by him but on a nastier level from afar.

Seems like a dumb question Emily but provided he didn't know you were going and cause any shit stopping you/contacting people, how would anyone at passport control even know there was an issue/relationship breakdown/whatever? Surely you are just a mum going on holiday with her kids? Have things got that mental nowadays? Can't remember last time I went abroad.

Emily the 'remote control' is bad but it's not the same as actually being in a house with him and imagine being intimate and controlled. That's always worse.

I already had DCs passports, so don't know rules but forms should say, and good to take their birth certificates. My WN is aware that we're going, not happy about it, but not actively trying to stop it either.

Purple DC don't share my surname, from what I've seen online this can sometimes cause problems at the border and they suggest the letter of permission if you were stopped, it's weird though because there's other info online saying the resident parent can take the children abroad for up to 4 weeks without permission. I'll get the forms tommorow and have a look at them, I wonder if CAB may be able to help too.

Lilac your right I suppose, as hard as the texts/calls get Atleast my evenings aren't spent with the constant tension anymore and kids are away rom the arguing!
Glad your ex isn't trying to stop the holiday, I can't see why they would even have an issue with the kids going away having a lovely time

Just wanted to say morning to everyone. Hope you get your forms today Emily and that you find out what the position is with the passports/holiday.

Morning everyone.
Emily - I bet you'll be fine, especially if it's a standard EU sunshine type holiday - you're simply a single mum with your DC.
Has anyone any advice about finances post divorce? I moved out of the shared home last year and bought my own, he stayed and bought me out at a reduced price to keep him off some of my pension. I've had a couple of bank letters when he closed the joint current account, cancelled DDs to cards / accounts in my name and the road tax (massive WN) as I had no idea he had fcked up my credit. I've tried to put it right, phoned everyone, explained etc but am worried that I now have crap credit, and a new address so no history there.
I was the main earner and due to EA all finances were in my name (am such a mug).
He burnt my post for a couple of months. I set up a redirection but the DVLA don't let their stuff be redirected, so as my car was registered to that address (I was sleeping on my mum's sofa with DC and didn't even HAVE a new address) I have been fined for missing one month's road tax. This is now with a debt collection company, it's a nightmare.
Any advice as to how I can make sure I'm financially separate in the eyes of the credit world AND make sure I'm safe?
Thanks x

There is some guidance here, teabay.

I don't think there is much you can do about debt that is in your sole name.

Emily, my dd has a different surname. The last time I crossed a border (coming back into the UK after a holiday) I was just asked to show her birth certificate to confirm I was her mother. I do carry the court order which shows I'm the residential parent - this is instead of a letter showing exH's permission to take her (which he would never grant if he were asked).

bibliomania
This is BRILLIANT, thank you.
There is no debt, all now paid off, but as he cancelled the debits on the account last yr and didn't tell me until I found out I missed a payment.
Never done this before - and am fckin furious that this caused me letters and possible bad credit.
Thank you, will follow advice in the link x

Dusters hope you're ok. Sometimes life's road feels very long and bumpy?

Teabay your ex has really tried to mess things up for you, but one good thing - and the reason he's probably done it - you're not with him anymore.

I think I'm just realising that I'm a lot less stable than I thought I was. Bit like time in couselling where I started to realise there was a lot I couldn't 'see'. Now I realise that I don't really have a clear head and should slow down with decision-making. Anyone else want some advice from their future self?

Hi Lilac thanks for thinking of me. I'm not too bad thanks. Had a very difficult day. My dad's been unwell for a while, nothing serious, just can't shake it off. Went to see my parents today, within minutes my mum was in tears. She thinks my dad may be a little depressed. She herself is really struggling with the fallout in her family from the behaviour of my ex's dad and others.

I spent some time with my dad, and I think she may be right. I've felt so f*ing furious all day, been planning revenge, letters, etc. But I know what the real answer is - to live well and move past these people. My parents are quite near but I'm going to try and get them to move nearer. I'm planning a new business and I feel very motivated to get it going. I'm also going to stop being diplomatic with other members of my extended family. They've all been pretty cowardly, I'm not going to spare them anymore from knowing the fallout of what people have done.

My kids are having an extra overnight with their dad now, and I encourage as much contact as possible. I just totally separate in my mind him and me, and him as their dad. Despite everything he's a pretty decent dad, and he shouldn't lose out just because we're not together.

That's so weird what you say Lilac - I too am not quite as sorted as I thought/hoped I was. Since I've tried to let the Ice Queen thaw a little, it's made me feel a bit vulnerable. It may just be continuing the denial, but it seems to be the best way for me to be at the moment.

Dusters sorry to hear about your parents. It sounds like you and they need you to all be closer. I hope that is something that can be arranged this year. As for the extended family would 'no contact' after a good piece of your mind give you relief?

I sometimes think I can't tell black from white anymore. Everything is grey and I need to try looking again. I feel like I don't do anything wrong and try to see positives, but everything is hard to understand. Trying new relationships just throws up feelings all over again. I am now not recommending online dating. Distraction has really backfired.

...so yes a bit of being an ice queen may be better than letting the guard down.

It must be something in the air - I too am not doing as well as I thought.
I tried going back to work after being off in December, but two days in I was sobbing & unable to cope.
My counsellor says this is completely normal and to be expected - is trauma, PTSD.
Am taking another month to put myself back together. I have a day where I feel ok then even a thought will make me cry, let alone a crappy txt from WN.
Would like to hear from people who have made it through to the other side, reassurance needed!

Sorry about your parents dusters hope they can move closer to you soon

Lilac and Teabay sorry you're both struggling right now, sometimes wish we could have a fast forward button just to get to a time when we're stronger and feel better quicker. But I was at therapy yesterday and my therapist pointed out that I am much less depressed and less anxious than I was, something is definitely working right with this therapy and time and the realisation that I was blaming myself all the time before, now I don't blame myself and feel much better. I'm doing CBT and Schema therapy - don't know if you've looked into those but they're good.

And more positive news, my lawyer is well again so I'm meeting with her today. Hopefully we can get the ball rolling with my sole custody application, or least an emergency one.

dusters so sorry to hear about your parents. Those feelings of revenge are completely understandable, but it sounds like you already know the saying 'the best revenge is to live well'. The new business venture sounds like a very positive move, something for you to focus on and a step towards that better life.

I also have PTSD and have been feeling I've gone backwards lately. Maybe there is something in the air. WN has really pushed up the Must Pay behaviour which is what's done it, plus those of you who know what I mean when I say I have a significant, difficult date to get through, that's coming up now. I'm trying to step back and remind myself that we have all been through something traumatic, literally traumatic which is why we suffer from post traumatic stress, and in those circumstances it is normal to have times when things are not as easy. Recovery isn't linear so instead of feeling I've gone backwards, I'm trying to see it as being in one of the troughs of the rollercoaster. So much has already changed in one year, I hope that it another year's time things will have changed beyond recognition again for the positive, for all of us.

lilac sorry to hear that and FWIW, IME you're right. I had those feelings then the realisation after the most recent ex. I thought that was specific to the difficulty of that situation, but with some distance and reading stories of other people, hard as it is to be so alone I feel at the moment it's the best thing to do, for all the reasons you say. I also feel it would be somewhat unfair to get involved with someone else when I'm not recovered yet, and I'd prefer to put all my emotional energy into that and my DC. But we weren't wrong to try, we of all people deserve some love and happiness.

Nat good luck with the lawyer, maybe some light at the end of the tunnel for you. Fingers crossed.

Nat and Green wise words for many of us from women walking the same path. I like the idea of low periods being troughs rather than starting again.

Nat I think we all know how much you need sole custody given your ex's issues. It is very good news on the solicitor helping again.

Green I hope you have plans to be with friends or family doing something low-key on the date. Or be in and cry if that's better, but remind people in RL so they can be there if you need them.

Green some unmumsnetty hugs for the difficult date coming up

Always wondered why hugs are steps unmumsnetty...
((((()))))) Hug to you all!!

Not steps!! So!!!

Hello I have found threads 2 and 3 can someone please link me to the first thread...?

Thanks so much everyone for your kind and wise words - as ever. This thread is such a comfort to me. As we all say, unless you've been there nobody else "gets it".

Lilac You mentioned about n/c with the family members. It's only a handful I'm n/c with, as are the rest of my immediate family. We all still see other cousins, aunts, uncles etc. We decided to try and not involve the others, but it means having a slightly superficial relationship. The pain comes from being with family which reminds you of the family you don't see - even if they are bastards!!

I feel now that what has happened is part of me. So if others clam up or get uncomfortable when I mention it then I don't want them in my life. I've known them all extremely well my entire life. If they can't be with me when things are hard then that's it. I've been far too passive, I see that know, so things have to change. Like you, I feel like I don't really see things. I'm not sure how to change that.

Green I liked the idea of recovery not being linear. I like things to be clear, done and dusted (excuse the pun!) sorted out, I'm terrible with uncertainty. But it's right to expect our road back to who we were to be full of twists and turns. I guess the trick is being in the right place to cope with the unexpected.

I hope that when your significant date comes around that you will be with someone who understands. If I understand the situation correctly I imagine it will just be a time that has to be got through, nothing to soften the landing. You know we'll all be here though, thinking of you.

Nats glad to hear about your solicitor, good to get things going again.

Teabay I'm certainly not out the other side yet as you can tell. But almost two years on things are not as raw. Significant dates have passed, so when you look back your memory is of the day without him this time around. You start to build different memories. You also draw strength from seeing just how much you have coped. Often when I feel overwhelmed I just (metaphorically) shut my eyes and go forward. It's scary, but liberating and sometimes even works ! He/the events, are not the first thing I think of when I wake up anymore. I can laugh, enjoy myself, look forward to things. It's taken time, but suddenly you realise it's happening. Still have a good old blub every now and again though

another 20 Hello. I wish I could help, but I'm rubbish with links etc. Somebody will be along who knows.

Have we moved?

Did I miss the housewarming party?

Hi all