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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh thread 4

913 replies

Lilacpink40 · 13/12/2016 21:15

Hi allSmile

OP posts:
Natsku · 28/01/2017 14:06

Police just called me, ex had called them and apparently they need to come talk to me. I think he has probably said to them that I'm abusing DD or something Angry had to cut short our day out to go home and wait for them

greencarbluecar · 28/01/2017 14:35

lilac I haven't done online but would say much as I was wary and nervous about going to a group, I've found it really valuable. Leaders say they recommend going in person tbh. Think online is a set fee of £10 though if you choose that way. You learn a lot from other people further into recovery or who've looked into different things than you too. I heard average recovery time is five years so you're not actually that far in! Of course all groups will be different but in mine you'd definitely be able to talk about the dating situation. I think I know what you mean, there's a part of me that I think craved a new relationship after separation just to have a normal one. But it didn't work, and I'm actually finding that this time of not being in a relationship has it's benefits, I think it's the right thing for me right now even if it isn't what I'm used to.

Nat strength and luck, presumably they're aware of the issues?

Natsku · 28/01/2017 14:41

Not sure how aware they are. I'm shaking even though I know everything is fine here.

greencarbluecar · 28/01/2017 15:01

It's ok Nat I've had false allegations made too and it is terrifying. Guilt or innocence has nothing to do with having a physical reaction. Just tell the truth. It will be ok. And remember he must have one hell of a medical record which will help.

Ohb0llocks · 28/01/2017 15:14

Nat hope it turns out to be something and nothing

Natsku · 28/01/2017 15:31

It was fine, they had checked his record and all the reports he's made so it was pretty clear to them what's going on. They said they just are legally obliged to check on the child when these calls come, which makes sense.

Original poster
Lilacpink40 · 28/01/2017 16:10

Nat I really hope that once the shock dies down you can use this to show courts he isn't in full mental capacity to look after your DD. I assume the police can give you a record of the false alligation?

OP posts:
Natsku · 28/01/2017 16:12

I suppose so, not really sure, we were talking in Finnish so I didn't understand everything but I'll talk to my lawyer about it.

Original poster
Lilacpink40 · 28/01/2017 16:14

Green thanks for information. I don't get any evenings off DCs in week, sometimes get part of a Thu and weekends I've fought hard for a Sat every other week, so I'm prob going to have to look online. I feel less of a fraud looking into it now, as not physical now, and funnily relieved that 5 yrs is norm to get over it as I don't feel far along.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilacpink40 · 28/01/2017 16:22

Nat could you email local police dept and see if they can send you a copy?
Just thinking you could look terminology up to ask that way (I can't speak any other languages so impressed you can).

OP posts:
greencarbluecar · 28/01/2017 16:25

Don't think because the physical stuff is over that you're not still affected or can't go! There is a huge emphasis on the emotional and psychological aspect I've found. It's worth asking about the group ones because I assumed I'd find it difficult to attend but where I am they provide games etc for kids in the next room so people can still go. Makes sense really when you think about who needs the programme. But the online version should still help, and if you read the book living with the dominator that's based on the course so you get the same info, just without the individual stories of the other people in your group (obviously!).

Nat that's a relief. They have the same obligations here, like you say makes sense.

Natsku · 28/01/2017 16:27

That sounds like a good idea Lilac
Slightly worried about what ex might try next now that this didn't work the way he wanted.

Original poster
Lilacpink40 · 28/01/2017 18:02

Nat is it worth contacting local MH services to tell them about the latest news?
Maybe he seems normal to them and not telling them the truth?
Hope you're ok!

OP posts:
Natsku · 28/01/2017 18:06

Maybe, worth a try at least.

nicenewdusters · 28/01/2017 19:26

Nats Sorry you've had such a difficult day, glad to see it was resolved quickly.

Natsku · 28/01/2017 19:43

Thanks dusters

PurpleThursday · 28/01/2017 23:42

Just wanted to do a quick 👋🏼 to all. Sorry, I've been slack, I have been thinking of you all and checking in when I can. Life is a bit full on and 1 day at a time at the mo. Entering into all the financial arguments of the divorce with WN and really feeling depleted of all energy and drive. Just feeling like retreating to a safe warm dark cave with my babies and blocking out the world.

greencarbluecar · 29/01/2017 05:41

Just feeling like retreating to a safe warm dark cave with my babies and blocking out the world.

I'll take the one in the next valley. Flowers one day at a time, one hour at a time if you need to, and remember "this too shall pass".

EmilyRosanne · 29/01/2017 09:14

Nats sorry your ex is making things so difficult Sad I can only imagine how it feels to be accused even when you know it is completely untrue and for your relationship with DD to be questioned when you seem to be doing an amazing job.

Does anyone have any experience of taking the DC abroad?? I have inherited some money unexpectedly and would love to take the children on holiday in the summer but have seen a lot online about taking needing both parents permission?! We were never married and the DC have his surname which I understand might make things difficult at the border? The gov website says to take birth cert and letter of permission from DC father.. I can just see now this being a problem as its just another way to upset and control me and the dates I would like to go would mean he misses 2 days of 'his' time. I need to book ASAP and don't know what to do because I have no idea how he will react!

EmilyRosanne · 29/01/2017 09:14

Would only be in Europe by the way, if that changes things. Possibly Spain, south of France.

Natsku · 29/01/2017 09:57

Sending strength your way Purple hope the financial shit gets sorted soon and you can relax.

I'm not sure Emily but I have heard something about the residential parent being able to take children abroad for up to two weeks or something without consent but I'm not 100% on that. Definitely take birth certificates though - I'm always asked for DD's birth certificate at the UK border (she doesn't have one so that's always fun!).
I had ex refuse consent once but the border guards said he can't refuse consent without a good reason (like if I was taking her to a country that's not part of the Hague Convention or not having a return ticket) that was in Finland though but might be similar with the UK.

EmilyRosanne · 29/01/2017 10:06

Thanks Nats, yes I thought the residential parent had the right to so much time without permission and would only be a week tops, I don't want to give ex the satisfaction of asking him because I just know he will make an issue of it for the sake of it but I also don't want to get to the border and have trouble because I don't have his 'permission' I may have to speak to a solicitor of some kind and find out where I stand.. I have both birth certificates and could take proof that I am the main carer I wonder if that helps. It is the most horrible feeling to want to be rid of these men but knowing they will have a sort of hold on you for the rest of your life Sad

Natsku · 29/01/2017 10:15

It is horrid. I wish I had renewed DD's passport before ex got so ill again, now I've got no chance of him giving consent so can't even take her to see my family until I get sole custody.

Yeah I'd speak to a solicitor and find out for sure. I'd opt for not telling him, my mistake was telling my ex that we were going so he was able to call the border guard and tell them to stop us (ended up missing our flight and having to get another one)

Original poster
Lilacpink40 · 29/01/2017 17:13

Emily I have break in Europe planned. ExH has made some threats but I followed dusters advice of keeping clear and knowing I was main carer with DCs best interests at heart. He hasn't blocked it (and I have their passports and birth certificates) so hope I can keep strong and go through with it.

I hope you feel able to go too.

OP posts:
EmilyRosanne · 29/01/2017 20:35

Neither DC have a passport yet as have never been abroad with them, do I need his permission to get passports too?!

I had a look on gov website and it said to take birth certs and a letter of permission from anyone else with parental responsibility, I can't bare to have to ask him and just know he'd use it against me and either deny it for the sake of it or not do it until the last minute to let me panic about it. At the moment he is doing this 'look how great I am' act which had been the way our relationship worked for ages, he would be awful, unkind and lazy then when he thought I'd leave do this great act to convince me to stay then a few months later back to normal. So exhausting and hard as we were together since our teens and I still feel this overwhelming feeling of guilt when I feel like I've hurt him if I'm blunt back when he's being 'nice' which is ridiculous as he clearly never felt that way about me Hmm