Support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh thread 4

[Lilacpink40]

Hi all

Thanks Emily, I'm sorry you feel the same, I guess it's inevitable. We had a good relationship for most of the time, which I find makes it hard. The "first" of everything is difficult. I just lowered my expectations, kind of accepted each thing would be a bad day. In the end most things weren't as bad as I'd feared.

I think time does lessen the sharpness of the pain, but I can't pretend it goes away completely. It just changes into a different feeling, and that's what I'm trying to accept now. We'll both get there, it'll just be a rocky road

Fidelia

I had exactly the same. I was told I wasn't normal for wanting to go to work. I should be home looking after the children and be content just like 'all other women'. Then in the mext breath he told me I should quit and reapply for a post 4 posts above my current role I could be a high-powered career wife and he could stay at home.

I never knew if I was coming or going. I still don't and we've been seperated for almost 2yrs.

I've been a long term lurker, and very rarely post but honestly, knowing that I am not alone and certainly not imagining all of the nonsense he is putting me through helps to maintain my sanity.

You are all amazing women. I hope it is ok to join and share my story with you. It pretty much is a spitting image, or takes part from each of yours

Glad reading this thread helps you maintain your sanity Leostar

I emailed ex yesterday with DD's medical papers so he can see what the doctors have written instead of accusing me of lying. He called today to tell me he's suing me for taking her to the doctor, for "not letting" her talk to him on the phone, and for "breaking the court order" (upon the clear advice of child protection, but apparently their opinion doesn't matter). Did his usual ranting about me being delusional and lying all the time and said I'm messed up in the head and he could see it all the time we were together when he "really loved" me - when I pointed out its not very loving to lock someone in with you, shove them to the ground and hold your hand over their face, he said he had to "contain me" as I was causing a disturbance (i.e. disagreeing with him).

My biggest regret is not going to the police at the time and reporting him for abuse (he also pointed out that me not going to the police was proof it wasn't abusive ). Times like this I really wish he would just disappear or die or something, just get out of my life.

Leostar
I also have read this thread for the past year through my awful break up and divorce.
The thing that has made it slightly easier is knowing that it isn't all me, and this feeling is ONLY given to me by this thread and the other posters. So many incidents on here are almost identical to my experience and this means that I can read the actions others have taken, and take solace.
It is a supportive place for bad days, so welcome.

Its kinda scary how identical some of the incidents are, its like WNs are working from a script or something, crazy.

Leostar welcome. There is something very comforting, if a little unnerving, about seeing aspects of your life described by somebody else. For me it helps me to see the bigger picture, and stop questioning myself.

Nats I expect you'll deny it but you are one tough cookie to handle all that you do. When you describe your ex it's hard to imagine he's a real person - I know he's all too real !! What I mean is he is so far off the scale that the idea of having to communicate with him is unimaginable. How ironic that you are actually the one having to now contain him.

Thanks for all your well wishes. Still here, 3 days overdue 🙄 Hurry up sprog!

Its hard to imagine him as real for me too dusters I never really knew what mental illness could be like until the last few years and seen just how real delusions can be to someone. He is absolutely convinced that the things he thinks are real, so I feel bad about being so fed up of it all because it is the illness but then again he made the illness so bad by using so much cannabis (it triggers it for him). Its like I can feel sorry for the hypothetical suffering of this illness, but its hard to feel sorry for him because of the hurt its caused me and DD. DD was crying tonight about how she wants daddy to be better and to believe her when she talks to him, and asking me all kinds of tough questions about his illness.

Hurry up baby Chrystal!

It's tough when they're small, Mats, but I am reassured by women I know who's children saw the light when they were in their late teens - what you do and say now will pay off.
Koko x

nats !!!!

I hoping it'll pay off in the end. I'm trying to keep the explanations as age-appropriate yet honest as I can.

To everyone who gets some comfort from this thread by getting that feeling that it isn't just them, I really would recommend going to the Freedom Programme. It took me a while to get up the courage to go, but I'm so glad I did. Just like here, it's the same stories over and over again, right down to the details, and as well as that realisation that you're not alone, it's not your fault, the support and reassurance you get from being in a room for of people who Just Get It is powerful. Like an in person hit of this thread.

I also miss the family we'll never have now. Not him, but that. I tell myself though that we were never going to have that, and that was out of my hands. It's incredibly sad but I know there was nothing I could have done, so I can't regret the end of something that was never really there in the first place, despite my hopes and ideals. I try to take a bit of comfort from that.

Green I get this "I can't regret the end of something that was never really there" ...that makes sense for me. It was after I had DD that I started to see through his smoke and mirrors, but it took us being apart for 6 months (over 9 yrs later) before I could really see what a sham it really had been. Now I know it wasn't at all real, he was always going to be the prority above his family.

Hope today's Chystal's day or soon after.

Nice I had those feelings of it won't ever be right' again, then a wise lady said to me it was so wrong that it would never of been right. What I grieve for was the expectation.

It's all relative, I wanted the traditional family but with my ex it would never of been right. I could never be what he expected (weak) and he couldn't be what I expected (normal)...

Chuckle that's really made me think. I don't think that either of us could ultimately be what the other needed. I changed a lot a few years after we got together. They were positive changes for me, but looking back they were negative for him.

How is everyone doing?

DD had her appointment with the ENT today and he said she does need her tonsils reducing (not taking out completely so not so painful for her thankfully) and I am so so sure that my ex will refuse consent. I can imagine this will end up delaying things for ages whereas she'd be offered the op next month most likely.

How is everyone?

Natsku are you famous yet!? Tried keeping my eyes peeled for the article but didn't see anything

Quiet here still. Not heard anything from him since end of Nov.

Actually no he text on DS Birthday asking if he could wish 'his son' a happy birthday. Blocked the number. Solicitor explicitly told him not to contact me. Haven't mentioned this to her yet. Maybe I should. Maybe I should tell 101 too. I'm really thinking out loud here but any thoughts would be appreciated.

Hope everyone is well. I've been doing the freedom programme (only done one session so far) and the effect it has had on me is amazing. I'm all like 'I'm a strong independent female and I demand respect', BUT I suppose the clincher will be if/when I have to come into contact with ex and how I react with this.

Still on the waiting list for counselling. Think it would be beneficial to get everything out there. Kind of something you have to dredge up before you can get over it.

I'm just watching river monsters now listening to DS snore. Jeremy Wade is my serious crush.

Ohb yes report it. Only takes a few minutes to log it but if he keeps trying surely you are in a stronger position for having recorded it along the way?

My exH has sent me a message about me dropping regular solicitor. I know I'm procrastinating by not replying yet but I need some more thinking time. He has a way of writing and talking as though he's scraped me off his shoe. Still smarting from our run in the other day. Is it ok to do the Freedom programme a year on from break up?

Definitely log it with someone Ohb he has been told not to contact you, small moves like this are him testing the ground so he can make further moves.

Here's the article www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-4103708/Don-t-let-send-quirky-brother-prison-hacker-Asperger-s-faces-extradition-sister-tells-fears-never-again.html Still waiting to hear again from GMB, although I think I'd prefer not to go on there because Piers.

Oh god your poor brother. I hope he wins his case!

I'll give them a call tomorrow then, thank you

Nat I didn't take the story in properly before. Knew it was a debatable 'crime', but thought it was a leaking of information. Sounds like your brother is being blamed for highlighting weaknesses. The US are so OTT analysing and judging. Funny it's ok for them to monitor people online, but don't want others to look at them. It's double-standards. I hope your brother will be ok.

Its all embarrassment really for the US, not so bad with Obama but now with Trump its fucked up. I just hope things goes ok for him that it doesn't end up him against Trump.

lilac there are people on the freedom programme I'm on at all stages, some still in the relationship, some just out, some years down the line. It's liberating being able to talk about this stuff in RL, so much so that you then have to remind yourself that there are still people who don't get it and won't understand why actually no you can't just tell him no.

Nat for you and your family. I am struggling to comprehend what's going on in the world right now.

Green sorry I'm going to ask lots of ques now...
Is online still good to do (feels interactive)?
Can you do at your own pace?
Is it expensive or one clear set fee?
Do the 'effects' last long term (feel diff)?

Sorry I just kept thinking I probably didn't need this but my exH is still so horrible with messages and behaviour and it can still hurt.

Also should add I'm not sure if my behaviour is currently 'normal'. I'm on dating thread on MN and posting today just realised I have now met six men over past five month period and wonder if my compulsion to have a normal relationship is more about reassuring myself that I'm normal. Maybe I need another outlet!