Support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh thread 4

[Lilacpink40]

Hi all

Sorry I've been quiet. How is everyone? Need to catch up on the thread

Welcome Emily sorry you have to be here. he is one of those people where he has to suggest an idea if that makes sense I think that will make perfect sense to everyone here! Nobody should order that an exclusively bf, bottle refusing baby is separated from their mother, it's not in the best interests of the child. At least if do get that claim in getting some maintenance is a realistic possibility, no he won't like it but if you don't you have no chance at all.

to everyone else. I'm reading along with you. There should be a world WN free day century on which our lives are not influenced by them in any way.

My therapist wants me to practice mindfulness or some kind of relaxation every day, do you have any suggestions for that dusters?

Natsku there is a free App called Head Space that is a good place to start.

Helloooooooo. . So sorry I haven't checked in. Will catch up on the thread tomorrow but just hoping everyone is ok and koko'ing

Hi Nats For me, meditation doesn't always have to be of the sitting still, eyes closed type. There is a walking meditation, which I try and remember to do when I can. Mine's customised a bit, to allow for time and practicality!

Basically as I walk I try and focus on my surroundings, nature, sounds, the weather etc. Don't force your thoughts, just let yourself appreciate what's around you. Try and see things for what they are, without imposing your values and judgements. It takes practice, but it's strangely calming. It allows you to take a break from all the stuff clattering through your mind.

I try and be mindful in mundane situations. I read once about considering an object that has come to you, and thinking about the journey it made to get there. For example, a piece of clothing from overseas. If you think about all the stages it's passed through, all the people who've handled it, out their living their lives, it's an interesting feeling. It sounds like all this thinking will over complicate things. But in my experience it's the opposite. It breaks things down into their simplest forms, clears away all the drama and clutter.

I think I'd be more inclined to start with thinking of practicing mindfulness each day, as opposed to some kind of relaxation. When you're really stressed but telling yourself to relax, that in itself can put pressure on you. What if you can't relax, are you relaxing in the right way etc.

Being mindful can, in itself, be relaxing. If you're in the here and now, focusing on what you're doing, trying not to be distracted, you will hopefully feel a sense of calm. Your worries and cares won't disappear, but they don't get to be centre stage. Maybe decide that each day you will carry out a task/job being as mindful as you can. It can be as simple as making a cup of tea. Really focus on what you are doing - and only what you are doing.

What you're looking to avoid is that feeling that you get when driving a familiar route. You suddenly think oh god, I don't remember driving the last few minutes. I suppose the metaphor is that you want to enjoy the journey, not just reach the destination.

I don't know if the above makes sense or is useful to you. I found it all a bit wacky at first. But the more you do it, the more it makes sense.

Cheers dusters and purple

Hello SanFran

Hi all, working f/t and on a course so less time to post but I'm reading thread and willing everyone happiness and WN freedom.

I agree with dusters on mindfulness being something that can be part of a normal day. The 'little book of mindfulness' by P. Collard has 5min ideas. Good to have direction from someone the first time you try it. It can be hard to focus on the now and switch past disappointment and worries of future off.

I also am finding 'women who love too much' R. Norwood insightful. I match with narcs and needy men exBF as I know I like to help others. Having lacked love from my dad I knew that I've accepted unhealthy relationships previously. May not be the same for everyone else, but it makes interesting points about needy men and the trap of trying to be helpful.

Hi Lilac I agree it's good to have direction from someone. Reading is great but sometimes you just need someone to talk you through. I have a friend who teaches mindfulness, and I know he does it online as well as in person.

Really interesting about what you're reading by R.Norwood. I think I'll take a look at that. I'm so conscious that I'm a rescuer now, and there's definitely no room left on my life raft anymore !!

I've had that book recommended before lilac but haven't read it yet, will take a look. We talked about being 'rescuers' on earlier threads, didn't we.

(Meant to say sorry to hear about you and your BF, and I absolutely, completely get where you're coming from. Hope you're proud of yourself for the way you've handled it because you should be!)

Dusters I'm with you on that. My life raft is only for my DCs if they need it

Went on two first dates today (not like the old me at all). Date 1 had issues date 2 didn't (I have written to them over a few days so knew that they were potential matches already). I'll see number 2 again. Neither of us want to rush and happy to chat to learn more, he is fine to fit around my DCs, we both feel similar way about family and friends. Good to have a level-headed chat. The old me would still have been with needy BF or felt the need to help date 1. I'm in it for me and DCs now, no man-children or WN room.

Just in case it sounds like I am desperate for a man, I should say that I did approach today with fun in mind and just want normal regular adult contact for romance and see where it goes.

WN is still sending me rubbish messages, but a year on and I feel it's his issue not mine. My DD said this morning that he sometimes doesn't "feel" like her dad. She's used to showing him the person that he expects her to be, then comes home to be the person that she is. I know that feeling and have said that when she's a teenager I'll support any decision she makes. I'll do it earlier if she has enough, but I want her to think before being drastic. My son is being spoilt so is happy with WN at the moment.

Sorry this is me, me, me.

Emily your WN not supporting you with essential baby items then wanting access is madening. I hope this gets better for you and that your family and friends are there for you as he's a twat and this isn't your fault.

Green the book is a revelation. It's mentally taken me a jump further than my original counselling. Wish I'd read it years ago. I really thought deep-down I could fix WN, that if I could somehow change I could fix him.

I am making my way through the thread and catching up and can't believe how many men display the same traits! You sit there thinking how did I end up with someone like this etc. but they are everywhere

DS saw his dad today and as I put him to bed after being dropped off he told me that he's got into his grandads car with daddy and ex told DS not to tell me because I'll get angry with him (no car seat in the car!) I'm actually more angry at the don't tell mummy stuff as I've always taught DS to tell me anything and they have just had an assembly at school from childline where they were told about bad secrets etc. so it's just p*ed me off that he told him to not say anything I had to have a talk with DS about not having to keep secrets for anyone unless they are about happy things or suprises. Makes me so cross!

Emily. Sorry but what an absolute wanker. I hate that kind of behaviour more than any other. Good job your DS told you and you had that chat. I ABSOLUTELY HATE those kind of games where the DCs are concerned. Utter bastard.

I know it's so disgusting, just using the DC as little toys in his game, and it's the subtle remarks trying to try to make DS pick sides or see me as the bad one in all this, so frustrating. I almost text ex about it then just thought what's the point he will just enjoy the fact he's got to me!

Emily sadly it's how they make their control 'win'. They do or say inappropriate things and then, if you complain, they're happy to see a reaction. They never really reflect on their own shiity behaviour!

It's so sad they would use their children to hurt or wind you up, I can't bear my ex at the moment but everytime DS talks about him I grit my teeth and try to talk about him like he's my best friend but just lives somewhere else now because I don't want DS feeling like he has to choose or feel in the middle, I wish ex felt the same!

It took all my strength not to message ex about how irresponsible he is but I realise that's exactly the rise he wanted from me so have left it well alone. Still so though!

Emily I think your responses sound well thought out and your DS will be in better position than if you did a knee-jerk reaction around him As I recall, on earlier threads we talked about being screaming fisherwives when driven mad and how WNs can feed off that (at least how I recall and sadly did when feeling rage ).

It is ok to have a degree of honesty though. So I wouldn't try to go for the bestfriend approach, just civil-adult approach. That way DS isn't hearing one thing and seeing another. If something works for you and your DS that's ok though.

Thanks Lilac it's so hard to know the right thing to say, he's only 5 and adores his dad and forever asks when he's going to 'come home'
When I tried saying that we think it would be better to have two happy homes where no one gets cross at each other he said 'I don't mind I just want daddy to live with us'. Ex is clearly psychopathic and will call me every name under the sun via texts/emails etc. but nice as pie at drop offs so DS doesn't see why we aren't 'friends anymore'

Emily that sounds heart-breaking

I'd keep it short and as clear, age appropriate, as possible as you need him to slowly get used to the change.

Think my ex will go mad soon. His solicitor has written to mine, but I've now cancelled mine as court order and divorce all completed & put all onus on my ex to get off mortgage and I just have to show reasonable efforts to help. I can already do this as gave ex my contacts at bank for him to get his name off. His solicitor has already cost more than mine (I believe fugures he's quoted as no reason to lie on this), so I will be replying to his at no cost (to tell him what ex already knows) and ex will be racking up £100s more in bills. Dilemma:
Do I point out to WN that he's paying for uneccessary work?
Do I just write briefly and politely to solicitor and let WN go ahead as up to him?
I'm thinking 2nd option at the moment.

I'd do 2. Keep it brief and to the point. End of.

I agree with Purple, option 2 would be best. If I remember right he has said in the past he doesn't owe you any favours? Well, same goes for you. (If he didn't say that he probably said something similar, so my point still stands )

Hi everyone - still here and still seeing my WN in your descriptions of yours - is frightening!!
Emily - I think I've just divorced yours!!

Thanks purple and dusters that's helped me think 2 is def a good option. You were right he's the WN that doesn't owe me "any favours" i.e. he won't be a normal dad or compassionate man . It's now a year ago that I found out he'd been seeing OW for 6mths and he walked out and left me to sort DCs and house out. This month we finally start an agreed plan of O/N based on what DCs need and want.

Teabay you're right and the more lines we can draw between our WN's similarities the better. It is clearly them with issues and better if we move away and have lives with stable people.