Support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh thread 4

[Lilacpink40]

Hi all

Hi green. Sending a stiff 🥃---- to help you through.

Good idea purple hope it works

Hope you are coping too green

Can just imagine a DM Sad Face trophy Been talking with my mum for a long time this evening, reminiscing about when my brother was little and finally realised how he was different then too. I guess you don't notice things like that when you're growing up with someone unless someone points it out to you.

I hope everyone is well.

I'm going to catch up with the thread soon. Everything in RL has been hectic and stressful, too much from WN to write it all. In summary, in response to me taking DCs on holiday, he's gone from avoiding o/ns to saying he wants far more contact. Even told youngest that he could live with him, which is confusing when you're 6 and dad has been disney dad during visiting for a year.

Sorry its been so stressful for you Lilac what a twat of him to tell your youngest he can live with him, must be very strange and confusing for the children to be messed about like that.

Not much going on here, ex still calls and DD still refuses to speak to him and apparently I have a criminal record now (in his head anyway) and have been committing violent acts. I hope the mental health services take action soon.

What an arsehole your WN sounds like Lilac

I'm waiting for WN to bring the girls home any second now. It's the first time he has had them since the weekend when he didn't bring them back for school.

This time the girls wanted to go but I made it clear he needs to bring them home by 6.30pm as they have school tomorrow. Of course he hasn't adhered to the time but I'm hoping they are home soon.

As usual he didn't tell us where they were going - back to our old house or to his parents (in totally different cities) so I'm quite anxious to see the children back with me soon. Had a good weekend and trying to not stress too much waiting for them now.

Are they home yet?

No they aren't back yet.

Our youngest is only 4 and in reception so they need to be home at a reasonable time as she needs a good sleep.

Once they get back they need a bit of time to unpack and get changed etc rather than being rushed straight to bed.

They have swimming lessons on Monday which takes it out of them and so I like to get them down at a decent time on Sunday.

Feeling so anxious but trying not to as there is no point. Hoping he will return them and I won't get a message saying he's not coming.

It's all about him and his needs of course. If he his at his parents place he will always drop them home late as the traffic is lighter for him to get home. He did it all the time when we weee married despite my protests. His parents didn't really see a problem with it either - we would regularly leave his parents at 8/9pm and get back home at 11pm before the girls went to school shattered the next day. selfish bastard.

I could text him to chase but it's raining outside and he often texts when driving which I hate. It would only give him satisfaction so the best I can do is silently wait I think.

They got home at 7.45pm, are shattered and gone to bed. They had a nice weekend and met with his friends family one evening and his sister my bitch of a SIL and family on the second night to celebrate WNs birthday.

Neither WN or SIL got any Xmas presents for the children this year.

SIL has an 11yo daughters who told my 9yo that 'your mum and dad are going to court because they are fighting about money'. It's exactly the kind of age inappropriate thing that my stupid SIL always overshares with her children. My DD was ok about, she mentioned it to me but I said it's a very normal thing when parents split up and have to sort out money. I down played it totally. Ideally I never wanted her to know we are in court but she does. So relieved they are home.

Really glad your dc are home Name. I doubt he'll ever bring them back on time, that means having to do as he's been asked. Maybe for your sanity you could ask him to bring them home half an hour earlier next time, but add on an hour in your head. That'll probably be nearer the time he'll get back !

As for not buying your dc a xmas present this year, how can a father do that? I certainly wouldn't be buying your ex SIL's dc any presents from now on. His sister, his family, he can do it, especially as she sounds horrible. I also wouldn't be nice about her to your dc. I'm afraid this is how I am with my ex-SIL - she's a whole thread on her own.

Lilac sorry to see your WN is being his usual charming self. D'you think he's going through the honeymoon period with his new gf, and playing happy families in his head? Perhaps he has visions of them as a little family toasting marshmallows over an open fire !

I'm guessing you wouldn't mind some o/n stays, but the fact he's doing all this after the holiday announcement is just pathetic. Seems likely it's just to unsettle you.

Nats Hope GMB don't find out about your "criminal record", they might not let you on the sofa !

Glad they are home and well name, I remember your last weekend so well and it was truly awful. Don't get me started on Bitch SIL's, my small DS is getting intrigued about going to my XSIL's wedding as apparently she keeps going on at him about it. Given that's it'a her 3rd and she is in her early 30s, you'd think the novelty would have worn off by now! Meeeow

Haven't read the full thread (yet!) but hoping this might be a good place to ask my question. Just wondering what the normal thing to do regarding DCs things when parents are separated. Ex left 6 months ago (OW). I am starting to notice he is increasingly asking for DC to bring things with them for their entertainment e.g. DVDs, bikes, scooters etc. I know it's about what the DCs want but there is part of me that feels why should I be providing what he needs to entertain them. I think what bothers me more is that the things he has at his are not allowed to be brought home by DC. Any birthday and Christmas presents they have received since split are very much for his place. Just wanted some thoughts. Thanks

lilac, name and Nat all I can say is yet again, I'm struck by how similar they all are. I recognise all of that. There has to be a textbook somewhere? Sorry you're going through it. dusters is probably onto something with the honeymoon theory.

splishing welcome, I think the same as you tbh. Not sure what everyone else does but interested to hear?

Hi Splishing I kind of have your situation in reverse. I've encouraged my dc to take bits e.g toys/games/blankets/slippers to ex's to make it feel more like their home. They don't seem interested. All they have there is a bed each, pyjamas, a toothbrush and a few bits and bobs!

Personally, if it was something they didn't use much, or a duplicate, I wouldn't mind it going to ex's house if I thought the dc would like it. But I wouldn't be happy to let things go permanently if it then meant I had to replace them.

OMG Purple Third wedding and she's early 30s ! Does she have a regular slot on the Jeremy Kyle show ? How strange that so many of us have ex SILs from hell. I wish I could tell you some of the tales about mine, but they'd be so outing.

I can just say that when she was married, she was/is so vain that her make up lady was employed ALL DAY to touch up at regular intervals. That's my abiding image, of her make up being redone. My dd is her only niece, but she wasn't a bridesmaid because she was worried she'd be cuter than her own similar age dd who was.

Karma/justice has caught up with her big time in the last couple of years. Unfortunately I'm not there to gloat and patronise as she did to me over the years. She knows I know what's happened though through my dc. She didn't bring out the best in me as you can tell !!

Hi everyone, I hope you're all ok, in spite of WNs and all their shite.
On a personal note, I've really turned a corner since changing all of my contact details, it has been very empowering and really protects our happiness :)

Also I can't help noticing, and not for the first, how much easier it is to articulate what is happening to us when stress and anxiety levels are a bit lower. Does anyone else find that? The way people respond to me is totally different

Dusters and green yes you're right he expects DCs to fill some 'perfect' family positions for him and GF and tow the line, his precise do as I say line that doesn't allow them to be people with their own minds. DD keeps saying she will only have an o/n once a fortnight, which we'd agreed for months should start to happen. He, his GF and WNPIL are suddenly pressurising her into much more possible child maintenance reduction in mind.

It's made worse by me having to end things with my BF. I've realised that, although we've had fun, he is emotionally not stable enough for me. It means he is often selfish, considering his needs first. I need bit more balance, and a bit of romance would be good. He's gutted too and I'm tempted to give it longer in my heart, but he keeps apologising and then being the same so my brain says no more! Now have to sort holiday out shit, shit, shit

Sorry for all the crap WN throwing to everyone else. When our DCs are adults they'll vote with their feet and I hope this gets easier.

Glad your children got home and not too late name I agree with dusters, next time tell him to return them by 6pm and don't expect them home before 7pm at the earliest. Returning them late is very common I think with WNs, I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times my ex returned DD on time.

Sorry you've had to end things with your BF Lilac but sounds like the wisest decision, you don't need another selfish man in your life.

Yeah Noise I find it the same, much easier to explain how things are when they aren't currently so stressful. When its really stressful I can barely even explain things to myself.

Welcome splishing sorry you have this same crappy situation to deal with.

My DC have a similar situation as ex doesn't really keep enough of their stuff at his home (our old family house). They regularly come home with tales of things that WN told them mummy should have packed but didn't.

I do send a few bits and bobs but only cheap/replaceable stuff. This weekend I sent the DDs with their homework to finish, and also some paper (as he won't let them use his cheap printer paper for drawing on ) and some colour pencils). I don't send very much though as there is no guarantee of things coming home again. My sister got them a great little game for Xmas which they play together all the time. It's very small though, they packed it to take and I said no as it will end up lost or forgotten at WNs house. I feel bad if I don't let them take things as it's hardly their fault he is a twat.

Like everyone else here I sincerely hope the DC vote with their feet when they are older and stop bothering with him.

But I must admit weekends like this when they all come back saying they had a fantastic time so make my heart ache a bit. I would never say it, and I always agree that it's fabulous that they enjoyed it etc. It also makes it easier for me to send them next time knowing they are enjoying it, but it still makes me sad for entirely selfish reasons.

Thanks for some of your thoughts so far. Think what bothers me is that they do have things to play with/do at his. They have told me about all the colouring things, stickers etc they have there. He has bought board games for them. I have sent stuff with them before including a game which has never been brought back. Again I wouldn't mind this if they were playing with it. But they haven't done so in months and apparently it has been tidied away so they don't even know where it is. The other stuff has been returned but not immediately (they always seem to get forgotten about when packing for coming home). Just feel as time is going on he is asking for more stuff but it's now getting to the point the stuff he is asking for is stuff I have bought post split and if they are not allowed to bring stuff home he has bought post split then why should I. I am also not in a position to replace stuff. Currently trying to find a job and he is paying the most basic in maintenance and I also need to worry about legal bills.
Gradually working my way through this thread. It does at least make me feel better that I am not alone in what I am going through. Such a shame that so many of us are having to deal with this. I wouldn't say ex is a narcissist but he is definitely being very difficult! Been increasingly feeling like he is angry with me and becoming more so as time goes on. I feel like I am being treated as the one who had affair and in the wrong.

That's a shame things haven't worked out differently with your relationship Lilac. Apologising then being the same, you just don't need that. I think it's great you've seen things for what they are quickly, and pulled the plug before it was even harder. Still sad though.

FeeltheNoise Pleased to read that things have got so much better for you. You sounded very stressed and anxious in your last posts, it's great to see you're feeling more in control.

Things with my ex are extremely quiet at the moment. I've offered, and he's accepted, quite a few extra o/n's and other days/evenings recently. I've also got into the habit of dropping them off at his when it makes things easier all round, instead of him always coming here. We haven't texted for weeks, and he hasn't made any more threats or demands about the car.

I'm hoping that the no direct contact, and him seeing that I continue to do everything to maintain and protect their relationship with him, has made him see sense. I'll always feel sad that we don't co-parent, but that's just the way things are. It's my dd's birthday tomorrow. I was thinking tonight just how different things were this time 12 years ago. I'm so hardened to it all I can't even shed a tear. Maybe that's a good thing.

Purple and Dusters the evil SILs upthread made me laugh and think of Cinderella. We may have a matching pair of ugly sisters to match up for next year's Panto and some understudies?

Name I totally understand the guilty jeolous feeling when DCs have moments of saying how wonderful their dad/GF/WN-PIL are, particularly as it's for transient actions. They are used to me being stable boring dependable mum so find others more exciting. On the plus I know they'd choose me to be with if they needed support and I'm sure your DCs feel similarly.

Splishing it's all control, control, control with WN. (Sounds like a WN to me). Sometimes it's easier to change the subject, ignore / grey rock then into leaving things alone. Eventually they get bored of asking the same question: he should work out how to buy DCs toys. My ex had an affair and a year on I still find myself reminding him that I'm not at fault when I can be bothered to respond.

Good news I'm completely divorced...final paperwork in. Isn't sinking in yet.

Nat you're right, WN is enough. I've 'friendzoned' exBF so its not been left on an argument. May be crazy but talking to some men on OLD already. Won't meet any yet, just need the distraction.

Sorry I haven't kept up with the thread - hope nobody minds me wandering in for a moan.

Was just taking a look at my bank account to make sure all payments would be met this month (tight but should be okay), when I noticed I haven't had anything from exH for the last two months. It was only £6 per week, so I hadn't noticed it. The payment was deducted at source from his benefits as he was such a reluctant payer.

Called CSA - it seems he got a job at the start of November, which he obviously hasn't told them (or me) about, so now it's going to take months and months for them to ask him politely for information and then go to HMRC for it when he doesn't provide it (and he won't). And I'm due to be moved on to CMS so will have to start paying for the pleasure. And he owes me nearly a grand in arrears, and the only reason it's not higher is that for years on end I didn't pursue any financial contribution from him, because he, as Master of the Guilt-trip, had made me feel guilty that I was no longer underwriting his desired lifestyle.

How come he feels no guilt when poor old dd (9) is overwhelmed by it? She thinks the restrictions on contact are all her fault because she told me/teachers/social workers about the things he said to her (fairly extreme manipulation). It can't possibly be his fault. What a neat psychological trick he's played - to package up all the guilt he should feel and hand it over to someone completely defenceless.