Purple My dd is almost 12. She's a gentle soul but every now and again I see a flash of the (angry?) teenager to come. It's really hard. Like you, although I can usually see what's upset her, I too refuse to be spoken to harshly. I usually let her stew for a bit, then give her a hug. I can feel her sighing with relief, and she's usually trying not to cry.
We've had several chats about how I understand that it's difficult for her that me and dad aren't together. I've stressed however that I also have to live with the consequences, and that she doesn't get to take out her anger on me. I've told her it's alright to be cross, but that I won't accept attitude or sarcasm.
I know your situation is different though because DS doesn't want to see WN. I remember when you were posting last year, and after the court case, that you were so upset that now your dc would be split. It's such a horrible position for your DS to be in, the feeling of rejection must be great. That's just the kind of thing a good counsellor could work with, such a shame he won't go.
FWIW I can't believe your friend suggested putting him in care ! Yes, just what he needs, to be totally ousted from his family. As they say on MN, is she on glue? Are your parents in a position to have a gentle chat with him? I don't mean a face-to-face sit down, more of a casual "accidental" chat about how things are etc. Sorry if that sounds idealistic.