Support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh thread 4

[Lilacpink40]

Hi all

That's brilliant Lilac. Interested to see what his response will be. I guess it depends where his motivation springs from, eg jealousy that you can holiday without him, being told instead of being asked, changing the routine to suit you and the dc, not him.

I told Sleazy text man today that I couldn't work for him anymore. Said it was about timing, distance etc (which it is) but the sleazy texts were the final straw. There's just one last thing I need to do next week - and surprise surprise he'll be around. He also said a cryptic thing in his text about his gf, my friend, suggesting he might end/change things with her. Not looking forward to seeing him but I want to draw a line under it.

We're currently in emergency housing miles away, and he's only just realised we're not there. I was supervising the contact before we moved, but the last time we saw him he was still drunk, and that has happened so many times.
He's always made excuses to come to the door, and until we moved I would drop everything and take my baby out to meet him instead. It's more that he knew I didn't want him there, so coming to my door was his goal iyswim?
At the moment he's constantly emailing. I've made it really clear that he's not having unsupervised contact and that I won't supervise any more. He's still emailing, and his emails are full of lies and coercion, they're designed to make me back down and do as I'm told. The threats are from a family member of his. He's just relentless, and I don't ever see it stopping

My older son isn't his child, but it's him who always gets targeted.
He's done nothing to my ex or his family, but they're targeting him to hurt me, and our move was as much for his safety as my baby's

Brilliant Lilac. DC likes me nearby overnight hence I think won't cope.

Oh feelthenoise, I'm so sorry. It's not fair.

Nicenew, thank you so much. How often do they go over? And how old were they when they started to? With everything I do and say, I worry about the backlash to come.

Dusters sadly the twisting has now started. I've received an email saying he'd rather DCs were with him that week as, it's fine for me to go, but european foreign countries are dangerous. 😂

The problem is that he'll now work on DCs and I'll be put in the counteraction position of telling them it is safe. He's mentioned that even if they charge their minds a week before he'll have them, i.e. he'll ramp up the stress (planes crash, can get hijacked, food will make you sick), I'll have it all coming.

It's good that you have an end to you having to be around Mr sleeze. Maybe have something that you need to rush off to when you see him so he can't fully engage you in a conversation? "oh is that the time must go" escape plan

Noise WN like to make people do as they told and it sounds as though, through alcoholism, yours has no fear of being judged for his behaviour. I am sorry I don't remember the backstory, but he sounds awful now. Does he have a way to see DC through supervised contacts through a centre?
If not, that may be s good option as they'll send him away if drunk and record it so you'll have proof that he can't have one-to-one time with DC?

Homely does your DC currently spend whole days with your ex or just short periods?
If it's short periods then an o/n is going to seem v long to DC (although really most of time is sleeping) iyswim. If your DC doesn't want to go, how is his dad persuading him, is it twisted, or is it encouraging, or is all the pressure aimed at you?

Sorry I've been quiet but I'm abroad seeing my ill mum - the weekend that caused me to seek your help in the first place.

It's been surprisingly comforting actually.

I'm back in the UK tomorrow so will try and catch up then. I'm a little worried about DC but I'll have them home tomorrow too and I can then start to follow Dusters stone-cold approach as I'm determined this year will be different.

to all you brave, strong women.

I don't feel great about DC going o/n and DC doesn't want to. Thing is, ex wontbtake that and said he'll take me to court if I don't comply.

feelthenoise keep firm on the no unsupervised contact thing and ignore any email that isn't about arranging a supervised visit at a contact centre.

lilac that's really low down of your ex to try and scare your DC from going on holiday, really shitty behaviour :(

Homely let him take you to court, they won't jump straight to overnights (at least they shouldn't)

SanFran good luck with the stone-cold approach, and enjoy getting your DC back tomorrow, bet you've missed them a lot.

Well Lilac ! You said he'd come up with something, I'd say he's excelled himself So, battleplan.

He'd "rather" they were with him that week. Well, you'd "rather" he wasn't an inconsiderate WN. Your answer to that - nothing. Because his reasons are beyond childish. So, don't even acknowledge or address them. If you do reply, I would just say "I received your reply, so that week the dc will be with me. What days did you want to have them on our return/before we go?"

As for the dc's potential questions about safety etc if/when he starts to work on them. Obviously you know them best, but could you just laugh it off, kind of Silly old dad, he's such a worrier, look at all your friends who went abroad last year, they're all fine. I know it'll be hard, but it's you they trust and respect, so if you're not concerned then hopefully they won't be.

It's always hard suggesting what somebody else could say or do, because each situation is so unique and has it's own little quirks. For me personally, I had to accept that if I took this approach it would be the end to any hope of co-parenting. That I would most likely never have a reasonable relationship with my dc's father. But for me, this is the lesser of two evils. We on this thread could all turn into Mary effing Poppins, it wouldn't make a scrap of difference. They won't co-parent, fine, neither will we.

SanFran really glad you got out to visit your mum and dad, and that it's been comforting.

Homely As Nats said, maybe you could call his bluff and say he's not having o/n for x, y, z reasons. When he threatens court, say fine, see you there. D'you think he'd actually do it?

In answer to your questions, they had o/n from the outset. 2 evenings a week at the moment (one is o/n) and one weekend day. They often see him more though, perhaps an extra evening or o/n. Also more during the holidays. They would have been 8 and 10 when this started.

FeeltheNoise That's just awful that you've had to go into emergency housing. I agree with all the previous posters. You can't do anymore than provide supervised access to a drunk dad, and you certainly shouldn't have to. Maybe you should look into a contact centre. As a pp said, if he turned up drunk he would be refused access and that would all be recorded. I know it's all money and time, but could you get a simple letter sent from a solicitor to him. You could outline why you'll no longer supervise access, that he has to arrange a contact centre if he wants to, and that he is not to contact you again. Also, that you have reported his actions to the police, and will continue to do so. Then block him from your email/phone etc. Say he can send any info re the contact centre via your solicitor.

Dusters I love your battleplan. Particularly the giving DCs positive reinforcement by reminding them of their friends' holidays.

I have to be honest my ex's antics aren't really on my mind at the moment. I'm trying to work out whether to carry on with new relationship. It's driving me bit barmy. I really like new man but struggling to see longevity. Wondering if I've rushed things with him as he isn't a WN, so ignored issues that are not really ignorable.

I'm on my way to court now where I will see WN and my exFIL and their legal teams if they have one (they won't tell us). It's financial remedy proceedings, final hearings stage 1 of 3. Trying to keep calm. Have a new barrister and I hope he is good as I am down to my last pennies now

Lilac I hope you are ok. Being single is better than being with the wrong partner as I'm sure you know, I really hope you can work it out.

nicenewduster excellent battle plan, you have to be bloody-minded to get past their selfish tactics.

Sanfran did you name change? I hope your mum is doing ok and I'm glad you found it comforting to go.

Homely and feelthenoise insympathise greatly with you, WN is also a shitty parent. I'm currently getting safeguarding referalls for my eldest.

On my way to court now so I will update later. Wish me luck.

Good luck name

Still radio silence here. Not heard anything since end of Nov, solicitors letter still not been acknowledged.

Having more good days than bad with regards to how I'm feeling at the minute. Still get the thoughts of what's his next move, and what if DS hates me when he's older and gets turned against me. I suppose all I can do is make sure he is safe in the present, and hope that he stays the loving boy that he is at the minute and understands that he has always been put first, and always will be.

Good luck name

My ex refuses to talk to me at all, even if I ask him a question in front of the children. He deletes texts if I send them and won't answer the phone. The only contact he will have is through my dad. This has caused endless problems as he tells my dad loads of shit which has caused endless crap between me and my dad. I now have my dad back in control instead of my ex h and knowing the ins and outs of everything and am not allowed to upset the ex in anyway as he is depressed as I finally found the fucking courage to leave the bastard

Name - wishing you all the best for this afternoon.
Remember that we all know YOU are the normal one - court will too.
Much love x

Thinking of you name Name

"The truth will set you free" Great quote, massive cliche, but hope it holds good for you today

Lilac That's a shame about your new relationship. If you both feel the same, is it something you could still enjoy, knowing that neither of you have expectations of it lasting forever?

Tinga That's a very unfair position for you to be put in. I think if this thread has shown us anything over the last few months, it's that we have to take back control where we can. Just because your ex has decided he's only going to communicate through your dad, you don't have to agree to it. Even if your dad was happy to be the go between, and it didn't cause problems between you, you're still entitled to say it doesn't work for you. And clearly it doesn't work for you.

Thinking about the amount you need to contact your ex. Are your dc too young to be able to relay messages to him about drop off times etc? Are you in the early stages of your break up, so that you're still trying to sort out contact, finances etc? Remember, you only have to facilitate your ex's contact with the dc. If his insistence on a method of communication is causing you so much difficulty - which it clearly is - then you're quite within your rights to change things.

Could you ask your dad to tell him that from now on, you will only communicate with him via text (or your preferred choice, email?). Say it doesn't work for you communicating through your dad. That's it, you don't have to explain further. Therefore, if from now on he ignores your texts/emails about the dc, then that's his choice. Also, make it clear that you will only be texting/emailing about the dc, and will not be getting into discussions/arguments about other matters. What d'you think?

Good luck Name x

Name how did it go? (Really hope all well)

Name and Dusters I'm questioning my own mind. Last time I ended dating at 2 months too. Perhaps I still can't handle emotional uncertainty following manipulation and then suddenly being dumped. Only a year ago, maybe too soon. Argh getting emotions back is harder than acting robotic to get through things!

Ohb your DS will have an older perspective as an adult and can be told the truth. He doesn't want to see his dad now so you are following his wishes. If he wanted to see him and his dad had ever made an effort then that would be another matter. It's prob the narc guilt still there, don't think I'll ever get rid of mine.

Tinga it sounds like your dad has control issues, is he narcissistic?
Dusters advice is very sound.

Also wondering here Name. I should imagine you're shattered.

Greencar How are you?

Lilac I know it's different for everyone, but I suppose a year isn't a long time after a very significant relationship has ended. It was over a year until I even felt attracted to anyone again - HJM as you know. It may well be that at the moment there is no Mr Right or Mr Long term for you, maybe just Mr Let's Have a Bit of Fun !!

I remember some of the things you said about your ex on previous threads. You'd be strange if you could just move on past those events and throw yourself fully into another serious relationship. I'd go with the good old gut instinct.

Just been putting DS to bed, lend over him and he jumped up and head butted me in the nose. I cried, he was devastated bless him.

Hope I don't end up with 2 black eyes, I'm due to start the freedom programme weds!

Hope you're not looking like a panda today Ohb !!

Hope it went ok name

Uh oh OhB hope you don't have panda eyes today!

That's annoying Tinga you shouldn't have to go through your dad to communicate with your ex - if he doesn't want to talk on phone then text or email should be ok. Clearly he's just trying to wind you up, the wanker.

I'm in today's Daily Mail, sadly no picture of DD though but my Sad Face is pretty damn sad But now I've got the Sun asking me to do a similar article, and Good Morning Britain wants me on the show which I am really really not sure about as a live interview is very different from a newspaper one.

Wow Nats that's amazing. So good your brother's case is getting a lot of coverage. I've been looking on line every now and again, and like all these things the publicity seems to come in waves. Am popping to the corner shop later, will break my ban on buying the Daily Fail (I don't feel too bad as I'll maintain my self-imposed ban on buying The Sun !!)

Dusters you are right it could be fun even if nothing longer term. I'm fairly busy at work at the moment so think I may focus on that (and always have DCs to enjoy being with). Have had moments of self-pity as it all started well.

My ex is gameplaying in so many ways. I've replied in an adult factual way to three childish messages today. He has gone from not wanting o/n to saying he wants complete weekends and that everyone agrees. Well the DCs and I like to be included so we'll talk and then get back to him. His 'everyone' is narc Mum, his dad and GF.

Nat TV interview sounds fun but scary. Have you done anything like it before?