Support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh thread 4

[Lilacpink40]

Hi all

The nurse called me back :) The police had called her too about him so he was already on her radar and she told she will discuss him with the psychiatrist tomorrow and I'm to phone her again tomorrow about it.

That's good news Nats

I'm still waiting for WN to respond to my email regarding making up the time he so kindly told his mum to take. I sent a reminder email so here's hoping for a response.

Good news Nats. Was wondering how things were going with your brother's situation.

That sounds like a good way forward Lilac. I was worried you were questioning whether you should be in a relationship. You deserve to have that side of your life.

Hope you get a response that's not too annoying Ontheball !

Hello I'm back from our lovely hols and we had a fabulous time. I haven't read back on everyone's posts but will do that shortly.

Our holiday was fab, sadly the last few days both dd1 and I were pretty anxious about how WN would react when we came back, as he was so nasty via text before we left about me daring to go on hol and depriving him of access to the children (he knew about the hol months ago).

Anyway he called this morning. 5 min chat with the older two, he sounded very bored and had lots of long silences again. DDs asked him what he had been up to over Xmas and New Years and his reply was: 'Nothing much'.

He asked about their hols briefly before speaking to 4yo DD3. He was totally different with her, fawning over her and telling her how much he loved her etc.

I was so angry he treats the older two so differently because they are not little and cute anymore. DD3 is like a cute pet for him. And after all of that he didn't suggest seeing them or plan a visit.

We are going to court on Monday so it all rolls on.

But his shitty pre-holiday messages had really stressed us out and it turns out he still can't be arsed to plan to see the girls. They haven't asked to see him either. Selfish bastard dickhead.

Roll on court hearing on Monday.

Hope you lovely ladies are all well

Hi Name so glad to see you had an enjoyable holiday, great to have a break. He's so transparent isn't he? It really is all about him. As you say, the fact he hasn't made any plans to see the dc he's allegedly missing so much is just draw dropping. I don't understand it. These men miss out on so much - or perhaps they don't see it that way.

Good luck for Monday. I can't remember the details of why it's happening, but hope the outcome is more stability and control for you and the girls.

Good luck for Monday name

Good luck for Monday name

Court, has anyone had false allegations made against them on court papers? Would appreciate any advice and support.

Good luck Nat hopefully hear back from the nurse soon or he'll get help so won't cause so many concerns though he'll still be a narc.

Good luck too Name, hopefully decisions in court are fair for you and DDs.

Green I don't, but surely him lying to court is v wrong (perjury)? If you don't get many replies here I wonder if starting a new thread may get MNs with legal experience to reply. Good in a way that you've caught him out?

My ex tried to goad me earlier. I proposed new overnight dates for Feb and he said I don’t make any sense and how much help do I need to write it out. Guess how many O/N he has them a month?
Two - he's complaining about two days!
Dusters it is shocking how much they appear to not care or be aware of what they're missing. Grrr

Heard back from the nurse, they're going to try to do something at least.

Just watched a pre-final edit version of my brother's documentary, think it gets across his story quite well but sounds really awkward to my ear because I'm doing the voice-over. My voice is so croaky on video!

Nat good news all around then! (Everybody doesn't like the sound of their own voice, I think I sound older and more nasally when I hear myself)

I've tried to ask for more flexibility and understanding as ex is still being bloody pigheaded awkward with childcare. I've pointed out how changing a date end of Jan will help DCs, hoping he'll come around to the idea that we can be civil. I'm being crazy aren't I?

Can I join?
I finally divorced my bully exh 3 yrs ago. Unfortunately he and his toxic mum are now emotionally bullying my DD.

How do you deal with this?

I'm trying to teach my DD 7 to be strong, but it's making it worse for her. She's now often crying at the thought of going to his during the week, but she's still ok at weekends with him.

Hi green. My ex wrote a load of crap on the court papers when I went to court last time - it was all quite general e.g. Holding him to ransom over money, children getting tummy bugs because they don't wash their hands - none of which was backed up with any specific examples. It was uncomfortable reading but wasn't taken any notice of by the court because they were only interested in what the arrangements for the children should be and why - not interested in petty grievances. So if your ex is doing similar, you have nothing to worry about.

Children had contact with their dad on Monday night - all fine. My ds's comment was that 'daddy didn't take us away - he was normal this time'. Seein solicitor next week to sort out what happens next.

That's positive Nats . And brave of you to do the voice over for the documentary. I also am always at my voice when it's recorded. To me I sound about 6 yrs old.

I don't think you're being crazy Lilac just hopeful. I think you have to exhaust your reserve of normal behaviour, then you feel justified when you go gray rock and put your f**k 'em hat on.

Longdays Welcome, that sounds like a horrible situation. What is it they do and/or say to your dd, and is it worse when your ex and his mum are together? Have you witnessed how they behave?

MsColouring that's the kind of statement you just wish you could have recorded and played back isn't it? Imagine knowing as a parent that your dc think your behaviour is normal because you haven't taken them away. Doubt a WN would even see that this reflects badly on them though. It would still be somebody else's fault.

nice I haven't witnessed it first hand but I'm in no doubt that it's true as her experiences are similar to what I dealt with when married.

It's things like very strict punishments and telling her that she's the naughtiest/rudest child they've ever met. Attempting to make her do school work which is way above her ability levels. She's in the top sets, but he's trying to make her work at 2 yrs ahead which is stressing her out. She's started chewing her hair, picking her nails down to nothing, I even caught her cutting the skin around her toes with scissors once because she doesn't like how it looks.

The school are aware, but they can't really do much at the moment. I guess I'm just logging everything as evidence. He's very controlling for instance when we split he changed my DD address at her GP's to prevent me from receiving child benefit and then using the CSA. That's all been sorted through solicitors etc, but that's the kind of man I'm dealing with

Oh no, your poor DD longdays sounds like she's really stressed out by her dad and grandmother.

Don't exactly remember volunteering to do the voiceover dusters but somehow ended up doing it! Oh well, as long as it does something to help my brother, raising awareness or whatever, then I don't mind.

You're not being crazy Lilac your ex is being crazy, as per normal for WNs, but we can't help but hope that sometimes they might see sense.

Can I ask what does WN mean?

Longdays WN stands for Wanc Narc, a term beautifully crafted by PurpleThursday.

He sounds like a real piece of work, ditto his mother. D'you think it's worth having a discussion with your GP about the physical aspects of your dd's anxieties, eg hair chewing, nail biting, skin cutting. I know he/she can't do anything but if would be further evidence held by a third party.

I know of course you'd like your dd to have a good relationship with her dad. But if his/their behaviour continues to be so detrimental, are you looking to stop contact, or severely limit it?

Just out of interest, why is your dd more relaxed about the weekend contact? Is his mother not around then?

nice I love the term wanc nark!

She's more relaxed because it's not her grandmother caring for her. Her grandmother is in her late 70s and does all of the school runs etc for him. She arrives at his house at 6:40am and he leaves before 7 so that he can do sport before work!! Grandmother gets DD up, breakfasted etc and then has her for 2 hours after school including doing her dinner, basically she parents her during the week. Obviously some of the issues they have are generational but DD gets really upset.

I'm concerned that when grandmother is unable to help, my DDs dad will get worse.
Currently DD spends 50% of her time with me and the other 50% with her dad/grandmother.

Long I sympathise with your situation. My DD (10yr) had a nightmare last night as my WN had promised her a sleepover with him at GF house this weekend and then changed it back to him leaving DCs with GPs on his weekend day and night. She's not had a sleepover with him for a year and it really upset her as she worries he doesn't love her.

I tried talking with him this morning and he took the "I don't owe you any favours" approach again.

So your WN has guilt-free mornings for sport, making his 70yr old mum parent early mornings so he can act single!
Do you have an option of keeping DD in the week and would she want this change?

Thanks Dusters and Nats for confirming I'm not crazy to want reasonable communication.

Being away from him and talking with normal people makes me forget how weird he is.

lilac I'm trying really hard not to give WN any ammunition to have a go at me.
At the moment I think my energy is best spent trying to improve DDs self esteem.

I think DD would go for staying with me during the week, but I can't imagine exh would allow it.
Last time she refused to stay with him he told her that he would cancel her swimming pool membership (he's taught her himself as he wont pay for a qualified instructor).

It's just very hard on a daily basis. I'm sure though as my DD gets older and has developed her own values and opinions he will lose interest in her- which will be my fault too obviously.

longdays you're doing the right thing in just concentrating on trying to improve your daughters self esteem.

It's so frustrating having to watch our children go through this, because the disordered parent still wants to maintain some control over the situation. My situation is similar to you in that i have 50/50 with my ex WN and he also has our children spend way to much time with his parents, which saddens me as i know he has such a troubled relationship with his narc mother and the children are already aware that she is controlling.

My youngest has developed anger issues due to the situation and eldest has some issues which i think are exacerbated by the current situation, eldest has been called a baby by her father for the problems she is experiencing which obviously just make things worse.

lilac Has your DD spent the last year sleeping over with the GP's in the time your ex has with her?