Support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh thread 4

[Lilacpink40]

Hi all

Happy New Year to everyone. Here's hoping that 2017 is a much happier year for us all. Xx

Hello my friends.
Just some advice needed from you - my DC are with their WN this weekend (first Xmas & NY after I dared to leave) and I'm struggling a bit without them this morning!
Should I txt them to say happy NY? Will this make them miss me more? They're only 6 & 10 - will they even GET NY?

Here's making a n/y resolution to be positive and happy
& not allow w/n to destroy that - ever
I hope everyone is ok and that 2017 brings joy, happiness and peace to all

Happy New Year you wonderful bunch! This is going to be a good year. I hope for peace and less shit for everyone!

Teabay - do you have a way of contacting them without going through WN, so another family member or their own phones? I would I think - DD who's 7 gets it this year and I let her stay up with me. If they're home later though, perhaps wait until you can give them a big bear hug?

Homely - there must be some sort of 6th WN sense because as soon as I even consider that my life is good and I'm happy, bang! But you are most definitely not alone. How we get over it... I guess continue to live every day well so that our life is always happy and feeling blue is the rare emotion. And I've made a vow to myself that in 2017, he will not and can not dictate to me how I live my life anymore... he gets no say. So far, so good

San that sounds like a good vow. I'm going to try that one, I'm realistic about it but if it's there to strive for, that's a start. I also feel that as soon as I start to pick myself up, bam there he is ruining it somehow. Directly as well, not just in a general sense, because he still bullies and controls me. My goal for this year is to make it through it, and this time next year to be looking forward to the future rather than seeing it as something I have to endure for my DC.

Homely will they be back with you later? If so I think I'd wait and give them a big hug and happy new year when you see them. Unless you can usually have contact with them when they're there? It's hard isn't it, you can go to antenatal classes and parenting classes but no how to know what to do for the best when you have a selfish twat for a 'co-parent' and have to agonise over every decision courses

Teabay you said txt so I assume 10 yr old has a phone, no judgment mine does too so why not txt? My DCs send me txts when away, particularly my DD as she often feels uneasy with the witch exMIL. If you keep it positive, how can your ex complain, you are their DM! (OK he's a WN, so may well do, but still think it's your decision)

I was in for NY and kept away from TV and social media friends off having fun and I'm now assumed to be in all the time with DCs, planned board games and messing about with DCs. Last year my WN was physically abusive and over the last month I've had flashbacks and felt a rising fear about the day. Unexpectantly it was relaxed, not planning anything helped. My BF popped in after seeing friends, eldest stayed up with us and loved it, and I felt miles away from WN. Feel more like I am getting my identity back.

I know there will likely to be WN stress for all of us next year, but this thread will help us navigate through the shit to get through the river of life.

Oh sorry teabay not homely!

That's a nice image lilac. I can see WNs on the banks of a river, us all finding our way through them to jump in the lovely refreshing river, swishing around herbal essences style and then sailing off down it with them watching and powerless to stop us

Happy New Year all

Peering at the key board through my hangover this morning. Spent last night locally with a group of friends and their families. Myself and my widowed friend were the only two singletons there, but we drank loads, ate our weight in cheese and hugged at midnight. She's amazing, we all loved her dh so much, and watching her carry on is an inspiration.

Me and the dc woke up 5 minutes before ex arrived - and he was half an hour late, thank goodness ! He didn't make any fuss, just waited, so they're off now, maybe sleeping over tonight. I'm going to try and not refer to him as twat from now on. He deserves it sometimes, but for my sake I want to drop the anger that using that word brings. My ice queen shell has been and is useful, but I can feel it getting too hard. So I'm going to try and soften a bit (not too much though).

Teabay I'd go with the quick text. That's all I do when mine are with ex (they're 11 and 9, dd has her own phone).

Greencar I'd forgotten about the sledghammer !! That day smashing up furniture in the garden seems a lifetime ago now - thank goodness. I'm going to try and sort out the Duster Mobile 2 this week. If it turns out to be impractical I'll just change it in a year or so, not the end of the world. Sorry to hear you had an accident recently also, we must be cursed on this thread

Happy new year all, may this year be less stressful for us all!

I miss sledgehammering the floor, that was fun and relieving

I agree with texting Teabay you might as well and at their ages they will likely understand and appreciate a reminder that you are thinking of them.

WN called today so I answered and asked DD to say something to him, she refused and just kept shaking her head but because he couldn't hear her he decided that I was preventing her from talking to him and kept asking her "is mummy stopping you from talking to me?" while she kept vigorously shaking her head until he said he was going to call the police, then she sighed and said outloud "I can talk to you but I don't want to!" but even that didn't convince him. He ended the call saying he was going to call the police so I told him to go ahead, funnily enough I have not been contacted by the police since then
Don't know what to do next though, he clearly needs to be in the hospital but the only person that has any potential power to make him go there is his dad and I've already told him everything but I guess he's decided to bury his head in the sand again and hope his son will get better by himself. I'm really starting to think that the only option is to goad him into trying to attack me/OH so the police would get him and he would get a medical assessment in jail but I know that's not a reasonable or right thing to do so I can't do that.

Nats I know you're not going to do what you mentioned in your post, but you must be feeling pretty strung out to even have thought of it. I'm assuming you're keen for him to get treatment for a number of reasons? To stop his bizarre behaviour towards you and your oh, to try and rebuild his relationship with your dd, to make yourselves safer ?

I want him to get treatment because I'm really afraid he'll either hurt himself or someone else in his delusional state. DD at the moment is terrified of me/OH/daddy dying (she managed to scare herself after being really angry and saying something about me ended up dead) so anything happening to ex now will reinforce in her mind that parents can die and I've been trying to convince her that we won't be dying for many many years, not until we are old and she's grown up to try and quell her fears.

Nats I know it's hard but try not to worry, although i know it's easier said than done, my ex has been suicidal on and off since we split and I have been concerned that he would do something stupid, and worry about the effects this would have on our children, but i have sort of made peace with the fact that it is out of my hands.

You have done everything you can to try to get him help by passing on your concerns to his father. I assume your ex is not under a mental health team currently? otherwise I'd say contact them.

He was under a mental health team but he claims to have a new doctor now which suggests he's no longer under the team but maybe I could try calling his local psych clinic and tell my concerns as at least they'll know who he is and his history.

Nats could you contact his old team as they may be able to refer your concerns on or give you another general number for mental health teams in your area?
I think it's worth trying as there should be records from before. It's not your job to help him, but may do you a favour too.

Dusters you sound very reflective in a level-headed way. It's good to be able to take a step back and for things to be good.

My happiness for NY has unfortunately been shortlived, my 6yr old DS (normally easy-going) has told me how his dad and GF have made him feel sad and embarrassed. Has been crying about it and doesn't want to see his GF, but also worried about my BF. My 10yr DD has said she'd prefer it if it was just us three. I've been wondering if it would be easier too. Seeing someone takes more emotional energy than I thought. I'm going to focus on DCs more and see what happens, they are already stuck with narc dad so need me to listen to them.

Sorry I've been absent, I lost the thread, took ages to find it again!

Hope everyone is well and having a peaceful start to the new year.

Ex's Relative has been today, mentioned she has 3 big bags of presents for DS from him.

Not sure what to do with them. Any suggestions? I know they're for DS but still. Feels like he's done it to let me know he's still around. They are from last Christmas, last birthday and this Christmas...

Not sure OhB it would probably be overwhelming for DS to give them at once, maybe have a look through them and see what's there? It is most likely done to make you remember that WN is still around but try to think about it being about DS so it doesn't feel so WNy.

Oh dear Lilac its usual to feel worse after the holidays anyway so do you think some of it might be that? Your poor DS though. I reckon its normal for children to prefer their 'normality' than having a new person in their family but that doesn't necessarily mean they'll be happier without your BF around, you should make that decision just on how you feel about him.

I told my therapist today about ex's behaviour, she suggested calling his local mental health team as well so I think I'll do that tomorrow.

I'm sorry to read that about your ds Lilac. What's wrong with some people. How/why would you make a 6 yr old feel sad and embarrassed. Sounds like she's made in heaven for WN

I can understand your dc feeling they liked the set up when it was just you and them. You need a life as an adult as well though. Personally I think it probably helps you/us to have another adult that we care about. Even if it's just something casual. Your dc will always come first, but they'll grow up and form other attachments. In the meantime you need to take care of your own needs. You're self-aware enough to know you need to balance the two.

I felt a bit wobbly yesterday, precisely I think for this reason. Life's very organised, dc seem fine, I feel quite positive. But I feel a bit empty inside. I'm looking into starting a different type of business, which would be very people centred, but it would be a business though, not personal to me.

There's a great thread running at the moment about being happy to stay single. Lots of posters would like to meet somebody but not live together, wrap their whole lives up together. I know this would be my ideal, as like you Lilac I'm unsure if I have the emotional energy to give to a traditional relationship.

OhB Could you keep some of the toys, and give the rest to your mum/other family for ds to play with when he goes there? This way he gets some pleasure from the new things, but you're not confronted by a big pile of stuff reminding you of your ex every time you open the cupboard?

I've had a look what's there. Definitely from last year.

Pile of out of date chocolate, toys aimed at 18 month olds that DS has already had last Christmas and got bored with. And a bath set which he can't use because of his skin (ex knows about his skin and has been told time and time again he can't use scented bath things). There was a teddy I think he'll like so I've kept that back for him.

Glad I didn't show DS he would have been baffled. I've taken them to nursery so at least someone benefits.

Ohb so your ex really didn't think about what his son would want (not already have) and what he could use (non allergenic). It fits with what you've already said. It's good you've pased it on. Have you had anymore contact?

I've talked with DCs and BF, we are going to still see each other but going to be more clear on dates so DCs know further in advance. BF and I are in same position of putting DCs first as our exes haven't. My DS is still upset about WN GF as she seems to compete against him. Tells WN that she doesn't get angry DD calls it the GF saint act when DS gets upset or angry, then he's supposed to apologise to her for shoeing emotion. My DD says she's allowed on her phone or tablet all the time so I guess she's now getting used to less communication with him.

Also thanks Dusters for the balance perspective. You are right, I need to make sure that I'm ok as well as DCs, and new BF is positive and not narc towards them.

Glad you've talked with your DC and BF, sounds like a good plan you have.

Going to try calling Ex's local mental health team after lunch, supposedly if they know about a person with serious mental health issues they have to do something about it by law.

Good luck Nat, let us know how it goes.
Maybe the law relates to people with MH issues being 'vulnerable', as anyone can have MH issues and need treatment?
It's hard that it's on you to report it, but the peace of mind will hopefully be worth it.

Nat good luck, hope you manage to get somewhere with them

Apparently the calling time is between 11-12 so I'll have to try again another day (can't tomorrow as I'm off to the national tv studios to re-record part of my brother's documentary - I hope I get a chance to sneak off and nosy around the studios!)