Support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh thread 4

[Lilacpink40]

Hi all

Oh no purple that must have been scary!

That's good that you're predicting his next moves FeelTheNoise, pity it has no consequences for him yet but hopefully in future it will.

Ex hadn't called for a couple of days, since I called his dad asking him to check on him, so thought I'd call just in case his dad had managed to get him back into the hospital but sadly no, and he's even more delusional than ever, saying he's been playing recordings of our phone calls to 'professionals' which somehow lets 'them' diagnose me with severe psychological problems which mean I am unable to take care of DD... and apparently a history of incest??? His delusions are getting crazier and crazier but until he does something that gets the attention of the authorities (like last time he broke into a car dealership and then someone's house) then no one will put him in the hospital to get the help he clearly needs :(

Glad everyone has got through Christmas ok. WN has backed down on the stupid idea of swapping term time but is still insisting on grandparent time in my time for his parents only. My family are respectful of the parenting schedule.

If I back down now they will continue to take my time with the children without my approval.

Nats that's some scary shit, as my DS would say. It must be frustrating for you that you have to keep yourself informed of his whereabouts/actions for your and dd's sake. As you've said before, if a hungry bear took a liking to him in the woods that would make life easier

Ontheball glad your ex has seen sense about swapping term time. Definitely stand firm about the GPs not having the dc in your time. It's not a three way split, it's about your dc spending time with both of their parents. If he can't/won't organise things so that his parents see your dc, then tough. We all bend over backwards to accommodate these idiots for our dc. If they don't want to be flexible or forward thinking then the GPs have to miss out.

Hi all. I posted just before Christmas about my ex taking the kids to NI and bringing the kids back late and then I haven't been back to update since. To cut a long story short, they weren't brought back that day and I didn't find out until 1.30 in the afternoon when I phoned his family home and he picked up the phone. He wouldn't let me talk to the kids because I was angry and I couldn't speak to the kids all week. They were eventually were brought back to me at 1:00 in the morning on the Friday (well technically Christmas Eve by that point). They were absolutely knackered Christmas Eve and very confused. They had also missed out on seeing the Panto with their grandparents and visiting Santa.
DS who is 7 is a bit confused and has tried making excuses for his dad. DD who is 10 had a awful time. She got into trouble for letting me know via fb messenger that they were going and was told she was 'selfish' because she didn't want to go to Ireland. He also told her that he would never see her again if she stayed behind.
Access to legal advice this week is a bit limited. Struggling to know whether or not it is a good idea to hold back contact until this mess gets sorted in court. My fear is that holding contact could enrage him more and make him do something even more stupid. Just hate the idea of sending my dd into that emotionally abusive situation.

So sorry to hear that mscolouring when is he next scheduled to see the children? Everything will be back to normal next Tuesday.

He should have had them Boxing Day for the day but I didn't send them on the advice of my solicitor and said they would be with me until next Monday. If I send them Monday then he will have had his full half of the holidays and will have them for the non-pupil day (he normally has them non pupil days as he doesn't work).

Poor kids :( That's a tough one, I'd be inclined to withhold contact until its sorted out legally but that can be risky as it can make you look unreasonable.

McColouring I had wondered whether you all made the panto. I was hoping no news was good news. That's appalling what he did. So confusing and upsetting for your dc, and so spiteful towards you.

As for him not letting you speak to them on the phone, I suspect that's his guilty conscience. He must have known the dc would be upset and he wouldn't want them complaining to you about him. He's such a fool. Your dd is already obviously questioning her relationship with him. I doubt it'll be long before she votes with her feet and chooses not to see him. Which of course isn't a victory for anyone, least of all her.

I don't know about whether it's right or best to withhold contact, I'm sure others on here will have advice. I know all you want to do is protect them, and if they really didn't want to go I know I wouldn't send them.

Hello everyone - sorry been quiet but DC seem to be taking all my energy at the moment. Not their fault at all and I've had a nice Xmas but there's something about this time of year which brings me down a little.

Purple - sorry to read about your accident but so glad you're ok. I also hear you on the 'no one would have known I was in the ditch'.. I have some good friends but none locally that I see a lot so would not notice as such. Family is just me and the DC - nothing, not even a merry Xmas from mine this festive season My mum being ill is tough on my Dad and my brother is a dick, so par for the course but still makes me a bit sad.

Sort of backs up the point from you, FeetheNoise - my family don't always treat me that well and it's only since my marriage breakdown when I've needed them that I can see it. In many ways, my brother is very like my Ex - so so selfish.

MsColouring - I would go with what your solicitor is advising. I am sure if you explained your concern they wouldn't be returned to any court given his recent behaviour, they would be having words. How awful not to have got them home though - it's a fear for us all, I expect. That's what forced me into court in the end - WN not letting them home despite his time being up.. family courts really dislike that. Good luck with what will no doubt be a fight which no one else wants

And OnTheBall - stay strong.. you're totally doing the right thing.

Currently in soft play hell but gets DC away from screens and petty bickering so not all bad

Not sure how clear some of that is.. argh (am blaming the bad music and screaming children!)

MsColouring - I meant a fight which anyone can see that WN can't possibly win but which will no doubt cause you and your DDs pain. Sorry!

For those that remember, my dd just handed me the form - signed - from twat !!! His refusal to sign it had been delaying my buying a new car following the accident several weeks ago. What a relief

Noise when I read your post I realised I have procrastinated for a few more days. I wrote to WN and straight away got a "I'll need to check at work" (wtf I was talking about swapping a Sat for a Sun end of Jan) and straight after "you could have been more considerate and told me the Saturday was inconvenient before" (only found out about party recently and haven't asked for a swap over the last year before). Grrr, but I guess it's par for the course.

Sorry to hear about recent news...
purple your crash, I would have cried it sounds scary.
Nat your ex having severe MH issues directed to you.
Ontheball and colouring the torture of trying to arrange fair childcare with men who do not really care about DCs as much as their twisted desires. at them.

Dusters your post sums it up in a weird way, you're happy to have something signed. Your ex, however, could just have done it but look how many hoops you've had to jump through and how much time he's wasted. It's like it becomes amazing to actually get them to do something that regular people would just do.

I'm prepared for my ex to not agree to the swap until DCs ask him to help. It's confusing for them when their Disney dad is controlling troll to me.

Sanfran I find the antipation 'energy' around this period of time hard. It's as though everyone should be happy and to not be happy, even for a day, puts me outside of a box, iykwim?

Lilac you're so right. D'you know, after I read his accompanying hand written note, all very official and factual, it crossed my mind to text him "Thanks". How crazy is that ?! Thanks for what exactly ? As you say, for doing something any right-minded person would have done weeks ago.

I guess that shows just how much we still automatically react to them as normal people, although we know they're not. That's such an annoying response to your text. Even though you know what's behind it, still infuriating.

I've just recommended this book in the parallel thread of surviving narc links, it really helped in the first 6 months and looking at it now I'm going to re-read it as so true, so adding here

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/0985832703/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1483124322&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&keywords=the+path+forward+surviving+the+narcissist&dpPl=1&dpID=519hB7cCtyL&ref=plSrch

It really helps highlight and unwind narc brainwashing.

Hi Girls, I have had similar dealings with my ex it has now been eight years and still no closer to getting my children to live with me over my ex lies. Now my six year old daughter want's my husband to go to the police to report him as he has broken the new court order which he enforced himself but still broke his own court order.

Thanks for the responses. I have many well meaning friends and family saying that I shouldn't send them back there and I really don't want to. However, it would be really hard as I would have to ask school not to let him pick the children up which they can't do as he has PR. And I have a friend who does regular school pick ups and drop offs and I don't want her to get stuck in the middle. We have a family solicitor friend who is happy to have a chat tomorrow so hopefully he can help us make sense of it all.

I did end up taking them to a different panto today in a neighbouring town. Had to deliberate over it as it feels like fixing his mistakes but I hated that they had missed out. Dd at least is old enough to understand that my parents are out of pocket because of the whole thing. They really enjoyed it so glad I did.

Just catching up, as always sorry if I miss anything important due to my terrible and sleep deprived memory! Once there are more than a couple of posts to read I lose track and can't scroll back

purple holy shit, how are you now? I'd have been just the same, hope you're getting over the shock.

lilac thanks for the new thread, will put some hopefully useful stuff on there soon.

msc that's just awful. I'd have done the same about taking them to another panto, but it sucks that you had to. Hope the chat with your solicitor friend is helpful tomorrow, it's such a catch 22.

Thank you to everyone for your support and understanding, the ideas about family dynamics are interesting as I feel I am often the one who puts up with things simply to keep the peace. Had a better, stronger day today, having somewhere to get it out to people who automatically 'get it' is so refreshing and really important to me. You're all brilliant (and dusters thank you for always knowing what to say. You are kind and wise and I feel like congratulating you on getting the form back but I won't because the twat should have done it anyway! But so pleased you have it, nonetheless).

Thanks all for caring It really helps.

Dusters so glad he finally signed. Onwards and upwards!

Today has been one of those days - too many shit little events to mention but to end it I got in my car and the steering was definitely not right, very glidey and loose. I think my little skid/crash performance has done something. So more shit to deal with. I can't get it to a garage until Tuesday, no one in my family has a car so I have had to arrange a bloody hire car I really can't afford. I really need this run of luck to end. Fuck off 2016.

Riverwind That all sounds pretty complicated, and such a long time for you to have been fighting for your dc. If I'm reading it right is it your dd with your present dh who wants your ex reported? Apologies if that's wrong, still have Christmas mince pie brain !

Greencar was wondering today how things were for you. Glad to see you've had a better day.

Purple you have my sympathy - with nobs on - regarding the hassle with your car. Hope it's simple to fix, and not too expensive.

I've seen a car I might buy. It's fun and slightly impractical, but who cares. It's the kind of car my ex would have hated

Dusters if you like it and it does what you need go on, do it plus why not annoy your ex?

I'm hoping you drive around near him with big grin on your face and with MHJ or some new lovely man.

Dusters - you absolutely have to get it.. if it's impractical, you can always swap it in a bit but why the hell not get something that's exactly what you want!

Purple - sorry to hear about the car.. hopefully it's just a readjustment or tracking issue rather than anything too serious.. could you manage a day or so without a car so you don't need to hire one? Such a pain - the pump in my heating system has died so we have no heat in the bottom of the house, only upstairs. I rent so at least I'm not saddled with the cost but trying to sort it via landlords is a pain - and it is of course NYE.

Does anyone have plans? I'm home with the DC for a change as most of my local friends are either child free or staying in themselves. I may keep them up for the bells but not sure as they'll be proper tired tomorrow... but it is New Year. Used to be one of my most favourite nights of the year but think will have to wait until everyone is a bit older before I can cut loose like I used to

Riverwind - can you explain your situation a little more, sorry! Do you have DC who currently choose to live with your Ex as he has lied about you? I can't imagine how hard that must be - presume you've done the court thing as you mention he's broken the order? Any chance you can get this revisited yourself?

MsColouring - glad you got to do panto.. it is sort of mandatory at this time of year. Did you take your parents as well?

You know, I am thinking that 2017 is going to be a better year - for us all! and for us all!

I'm in too San, surprise surprise. Haven't been out for NYE (or anything else, three guesses who that's down to) in years, I loved it too. I had thought WN might have wanted to see DC this weekend, with it being a long one and all but no, not a peep from him. He'll be too busy getting pissed, treating the new GF no doubt and being Mr fun guy. I'm not surprised but I do feel so sad for DC when his priorities get thrown into sharp relief like this.

purple that's not good. You have my sympathy, I had an accident a few weeks ago which cost a bit to deal with but I was lucky that the holiday period hadn't started. Fingers crossed it's nothing major and can be quickly and cheaply fixed.

dusters get it! You need the Duster Mobile Mark 2. We can all fantasise about driving around in it with sledgehammers and Queen on full volume again

It might not be easily fixable greencar, It's quite old. Anyway, after a night with a vomiting DS and car hire company telling me this morning they had over booked and had none left , I now have one, so the New Year will start with some mobility for us all and no worries about school run etc this week.

So I wanted to wish all my anti WN colleagues the best of everything for 2017. I need to get 2016 so far behind me I can't see it anymore! Here's hoping for peace, honesty, calm and love in 2017 for you all. 🍾🎉❤

How is everyone?
Thanks for the link Lilac. Somewhat sadly reassuring that lots of you are scared to be happy. How to we get over that?