Support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh thread 4

[Lilacpink40]

Hi all

Yeah they've settled down dusters OH has called the addiction clinic and plans to start going to the gym again as he says that's the best thing to help him deal - I guess its exchanging one addiction for another but at least exercise is a healthy addiction. He wasn't taking large amounts or for a long time so there's been no withdrawal to worry about, just had a really long sleep the night before last.

Lilac glad your first xmas post WN went well. I hadn't appreciated that it was the first for you until I saw your post a couple of days ago. Good to see you're now in "bf" territory, and that he was with you.

It makes me smile to think that we all gossip about my HJM exploits! He seems like a very private person, think he'd have a panic attack if he knew he was on MN

Every time I read HJM my brain changes it to HFMD and I think its the hand, foot and mouth disease man

Really glad to read your post Nats. He sounds like a good man, who makes you happy and clearly has a great relationship with your dd. He's obviously motivated to sort things out, which is the best start.

He's very motivated as I've made it clear that I am leaving if he doesn't sort it out as I won't put DD [name removed by MNHQ] through the stress of living with an addict.

That makes perfect sense given the situation with your ex Nats . (You may want MNHQ to edit your post as you've used an actual name in it)

Hope you don't mind Nat but I've reported and asked MNHQ to edit for you just in case! Hope you're ok.

Hope everyone is ok in fact. I'm feeling low again today, the years ahead of dealing with WN are looming heavily and I'm sure it's only going to get harder in the new year. And as for the more recent ex, he's now ignoring me, childish as that sounds, and I have the horrible feeling I've fallen for another one. I really thought he was different, and I don't know if it's my judgement that's so terrible, or something about me that makes them see me as so completely worthless. All I want is to be happy, maybe I did something awful in a past life.

Sorry to be so self pitying. It's cathartic to put it into words, and I don't know, but maybe talking about it can help someone else going through similar feel less alone, or others to understand the reality of what this behaviour can do to another person.

dusters I'm so glad you sent the card. You know we're all waiting for the next instalment...

Thanks for reporting it, they'll edit it.

Sometimes we just need to be a bit self-pitying greencar we have to be so strong for our children, and ourselves, and everything, that we need moments to let the pity flow and get it out.

Dusters it was the first one and I'm fairly relieved it's over. Next year it would be good to not think about WN so much. I've realised I need to stop more and enjoy the positives as I'm used to expecting things to be hard work. I hope that next year for you things are easier as the family divide issues won't be so new. I'd say that I hope they get resolved, but it sounds like your DM has created the issues and other family have acted selfishly. If I'm wrong I hope it can and does get resolved!

Green you haven't done anything to make this happen, and it isn't something that you're due, but I've had the same feelings so know what you mean. For me it's the way WN acted as though it was my fault when he controlled things or if something went wrong, that crept into my mind and its hard to completely let go of the self-doubt.

Do you know if anything in particular is worrying you about next year or is it the feelings that are hanging on in your mind?

I particularly want to get to get into Feb and be a year clear of my WN, but I know I may feel deflated if I get there and the feelings are still in my mind.

I've seen other posts about narcs and linked this post. Just wondering if next time the thread is created we add a note at the start to say something along the lines of 'Please feel free to vent here about your WN (Wank Narc) or difficult ex partner, everyone welcome'.
I know I've added the last ones, usually quickly to try to add a hyperlink in before the thread is full, but if I couldn't post for bit and anyone else moves I still think it may be a friendly start on a first post. Men may also have been on the receiving end and want to post too, so it's open to all.

Wondering what everyone else thinks and if there's anything else to add?

Nat thanks, keeping strong is tough isn't it, there's got to be an outlet somewhere.

lilac I think it is the lingering effects of WN always telling me I caused it all, I have times when I think that the behaviour of both of them - the first far more than the second, but that doesn't make the second's bearable - was so cruel and irresponsible and hurtful that hard as it is I'm better off without either of them (definitely the first one, still struggling to come to terms with that over the second though which may be due to still grieving), to thinking but I'm the common denominator, it must be something I do that makes them go from saying I'm the best thing in their lives and we have such a good future to abandoning me when I need them and with added cruelty to boot. And then again, maybe I'm too nice as with both of them I repeatedly put their needs and feelings before mine and that tells them they can walk all over me like I don't matter? WN has left me very confused and with self esteem issues.

That aside, I think a message at the start of each thread as you describe is a great idea. I've seen them on other threads and think they work really well and are welcoming. I know there are other long running threads I've lurked on but not joined as I feel too much of an outsider.

Those top of thread posts also have useful links and information in them, what does everyone think to having something like that? Websites and books we've found useful, that stickied post in relationships, link to the freedom programme? We could all chip in bits and then someone pull it together into one post that whoever starts each thread can copy and paste as the first post? Or is that just too much like hard work?

^I mean a link to the stickied post, not the whole thing copied out! Do you all know the one I mean? I was thinking of it just now as it's where I had the lightbulb moment that just because WN treated me so badly, bad-but-less-bad behaviour from someone else still isn't acceptable just because it's not as bad as him.

Just checking in, not had much time the past week or so to catch up but hope everyone is well and having a peaceful time.

All still quiet for the moment here. I am aware he is in the area tomorrow though so I'll be keeping my wits about me.

How is everyone? Sorry for my delayed response. Purple, thank you so much for you post... really uplifting. Twice since we split, I have vowed to be positive. It was like he knew subconsciously so hit me something to knock me down. Now I'm too scared to be positive and am fearing what is around the corner.

Green I love that idea and hope it's ok Ive created a parallel thread to collect ideas. We can then collate hyperlinks as a list. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2814536-Useful-information-and-links-for-people-dealing-with-narcissistic-or-difficult-ex-partners?watched=1&msgid=65838760#65838760

Homely being scared to be happy is a hard feeling to let go of after WN. I think we all know what you mean so you're in good company posting about it here.

Homley I can understand that 100%, it's like everytime I sit and think god I'm happy with my life he crops back up and turns my life upside down and now I'm scared to feel it, and this is 2 years post break up!

LILAC . Thanks for the other thread idea. I've posted on there about website OUT OF THE FOG as recommended by someone on here .

Ds & I have been visiting a bit all over the place so not much time for reading or posting.
Our Xmas went well. Ds completely refused to do FaceTime with X at all! I'm not making him.

Hi. I think that link to the thread plus the amended title to the original thread are great ideas. It can be off putting when you see a long running thread, you feel like you're interrupting, which is crazy of course. If it's an invitation to vent, as well as other things, it will hopefully feel welcoming.

Thanks for your kind words Lilac about the family (feud) situation. My DM is, unfortunately for her, just as much a victim of the whole thing as the rest of us. It's the fact that she has rekindled her relationship with one of the people that's involved that has been so hard. I've talked it through with some people who are neutral, and they can all see why she's acted as she has. I can too, so I'm just finding my way to be comfortable with it.

Again, like with twat, I just look before and after. Good memories of them before, no trying to work out why they acted as they did, and now I just close my mind to them. It's been 2.5 years since it started. I could never understand before how families couldn't resolve feuds. Now I do. Sometimes there's just no forgiving or going back. I don't feel guilty or bad about it. I know the truth of what happened, and that's all I need.

Greencar I totally get what you mean when you said you were the common denominator. I've had this thought quite a lot recently, ie why does someone seem to think the world of me then behave as though I'm of so little consequence. You said about maybe you were too nice, and maybe give too much. I've said before that I think your kindness and sensitivity comes across in your posts. Maybe you have given so much that you're taken for granted. I think this is what I've done.

I give 110% in a relationship. Some people wouldn't take advantage however much you/I gave, but perhaps the men we attract do. I've learnt I'm a rescuer. When they're sufficiently rescued (?!) maybe they've changed and grown and look at the rescuer and feel differently? I don't know.

Glad everybody else is having a relatively peaceful time. I would offer a and but I'm so full with all the Christmas food I might explode !

Nats I've just seen your post about you reading HFMD when you see HJM. That really made me laugh. Given my relationship history that's probably a more accurate name for anybody I like !!!

Hi all.

Feeling super flat here. Maybe that is the normal lull after Xmas? December is always mental with all the gearing up for Christmas and then .... just NYE to look forward to (which has never been that special for me).

I understand the being positive then being knocked straight back down. It's all so exhausting isn't it?

Took a spin in my car today - literally - hit some black ice on a deserted -not lit - country lane, car spun round completely in a weird quiet slow motion kind of way, nothing I could do to control it. Ended up with my rear in a hedge/ditch and jutting out into the road. Saw a car coming towards me and that started to skid about too but luckily she managed to keep control and avoided me. Was so relieved when my car started afterwards but my legs were shaking as I carried on driving.

Spent a lot of time afterwards in tears (shamefully in front of my DS who I had to pick up straight after). Realised I could have sat in that ditch undiscovered for God knows how long. Feeling quite lonely about the whole thing. No one (apart from DCs) to care if I get home safely. 😢

I know I was lucky.

Sorry, normal positive service will resume tomorrow (hopefully).

Hi Purple I'm still up nursing my post Christmas cold.

That's so scary about you skidding in your car. Must have been really frightening. Glad to hear you managed to drive on, so presumably your car is ok. Hope you are too most importantly. I totally get the tears. It's such a shock to your system, so take it easy.

After my car accident earlier this year I was determined to go to the shop I'd been heading for. I couldn't concentrate on what the assistant was saying and burst into tears. She was lovely, but I felt a right idiot. My ds was also there. I don't think it does them any harm to see we can shed a tear.

I also understand the feeling lonely about the car incident. You want to go home, have a hug and cry, then be looked after. All I got was twat jumping out to examine the damage to the car. But like you say, you were lucky, as was I, and we're both here to tell the tale. So have a virtual hug from me.

Thank you dusters much appreciated.

No, no damage. In a way that feels weird too - the whole thing happened to me alone and nothing to show it happened.

Yes, tears were shock I think. Been a tough one with DS 'dad' last few days, crap day at work today too. Tears were probably necessary. Port tastes nice

P.S hope your cold does one soon. Christmas port may help!

Thanks, hopefully it's on it's way out. Sounded a bit like Bonnie Tyler earlier, all gravelly voiced - always a silver lining

Hi everyone,
Thank goodness Christmas is over! Ugh
Lilac I can completely relate to the procrastination, it is the build up to standing up for us that involves the shit invariably hitting the fan for us, and it's the second guessing of the punishment that holds me back. Last week I reached the point where I decided to not reply to him ever and it has been so liberating! Figuring out how to reply in a way that minimised damage was costing me to many waking and sleeping hours. He's shown his true colours since.
2 weeks ago I called the police with concerns that he would start to harass my mum. He has since said that if I don't reply, he will go to my Mum's house. I called the police again and said that he's stated he will go to my Mum's, and that I believe he'll go to my house too. I've since had an email saying that he's been to both our houses. He knows full well that he's not welcome at my door. He's upping his game constantly, I'm predicting his next step every time, but there's no consequences for him!

Green I can relate to how you feel about being the denominator. The way I'm treated within my family perpetuates this, but with every year I see this more clearly: if it wasn't for my family's abusive behaviour, in which I'm cut off for months on end, treated as hysterical and a problem, my ex wouldn't have given me the time of day! A supportive and inclusive family would have deterred him no end, they would have been present in our lives and they would have stood up for us, the absence of which is just perfect for bastards like him x