Support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh thread 4

[Lilacpink40]

Hi all

Nat that sounds worrying and I think you should factually and briefly report it, but then keep distance again.

Red good you had a good day. My first without WN too and it's been better than last year too. My BF stayed last night and we had breakfast together (new relationship but think I can call him BF as we get on well and DCs get on). Kids fine morning and play fighting but ok by lunch and I saw GPs when WN picked them up to give them their 'main' gifts as of course mine dont count grr, but now I just feel bit odd. My mind keeps throwing up memories from last year. I try to ignore them, but I was being deceived and manipulated badly at this point. I need to keep the WN bin open as my worst memories are from Jan.

If I imagine us all stuffing their unpleasantness in the bin it makes me feel better as I'd like my WN to feel squished and controlled. Get to experience what he normally doles out. So green, name, purple and all yes squash them in the bin of WN doom with solid lid.

The WN bin sounds good Lilac stuff his unpleasantness in there.

Hi all. I have to ask my WN two things, which would be fine to ask most people, but I'm aware he'll twist things so I'm putting it off. Anyone else get the WN procrastination feeling?

I need to let him know that new solicitors letters may be sent to him as my bank want their solicitors involved with getting his name off mortgage. Also, I want to swap a day I have DCs in Jan. He has just given me his Jan dates, but one of my friends has just confirmed a day for her DCs birthday party and they clash.

Going to build up strength and email him soon!

StopLaughing - have moved out of my ER phase so have decided to go with some Inside Out love instead

I really hear you Lilac - I absolutely dread asking for anything and especially something which directly impacts him such as a change in dates. I have no advice other than just ask, cooly and calmly and if he says no, try not to let it bother you. Easy, I guess

As for the solicitor thing - do you need to tell him about that.. when the letters land, will he kick off if you haven't? Or do you think they will land before you get a chance to ask about the change in dates which he will then refuse out of principle? Why is this so hard for us all - we should be able to ask or let them know about things without all this overthinking.

I watched Big Hero 6 for the first time today - oh my goodness, sobbing!!

Argh - that should say StopLaughing here....

Love Big Hero 6! DD loves it too, great film.

SanFran aka stop it's partially me over-predicting what will be worse. My bank and my solicitors have really fucked me over annoyed me by both asking for hundreds of pounds to do the same thing (get Ex off mortgage). Mortgage ends soon so it may be cheaper for me to pay early redemption. Whatever happens he'll get letters and kick off. He wants to get a mortgage with GF. I'm trying to predict what the easiest scenario will be.

He has slso agreed to two overnight stays next month, but the weekends after would be better for me. It has been hard to get him to have o/n so now I feel I should probably accept what I'm offered. Or I may get DCs to ask for a week later as he's being Disney dad for them.

Big Heto 6 is brilliant

Oh goodness, Lilac - sounds pretty complicated and as I've never owned my own home, not sure of the ins and outs although on your behalf for having to pay out twice. If you know he'll kick off regardless and despite what he'll say, he actually wants the same thing as you (as in him off the mortgage), I'd leave him to it. But I may be giving him too much credit as he is a WN and you know the best way to manage him.

And take full advantage of Disney Dad although does it put your DC in an awkward position? Especially if the overnights are still a new thing?

Lilac I know I frequently experience the WN procrastination too, too many years of tiptoeing around trying not to piss him off and now he is pissed off at everything I do and say cos I won't let him have what he wants so I fear the anger even though realistically I don't have to experience it now as he is no longer here! Not sure if that really makes sense but I hope you know what I mean.

On the mortgage front, there is no need to pay twice for this work! If your bank are insisting on a different solicitor just use theirs to deal with the transfer (you just instruct them to act for you too). But if you can afford to redeem the mortgage then it would make sense to do that rather than pay hundreds of pounds for something that is unnecessary.

Thanks san and red the support on this thread is always more understanding then I get in RL. When I talk in RL even I start to think this is ridiculous am I making it up. Even if we want the same outcome he wants to be in charge with me in the wrong. Dealing with WN is like top-toeing over sleeping vipers!

I've cancelled the planned work on my mortgage by my regular solicitor by email. I will await bank's advice in NY. Think I'll let my ex just get letters and deal with access issues first.

Hope everyone else is well.

How is everyone?

Anyone else dread new year and the new misery WN may bring? Or just me?!

I'm hoping the new year will finally bring about the end of my ex's appeal to court so I can make my case for sole custody, finally, as I can't bring a new case to court until the current one is resolved and he's been delaying the thing by not informing the court who his lawyer is (if he even has one) but they can't wait forever, surely?!!

I hope the new year brings us all better times, less stress, more joy with our DC and less shit from our WNs. And lots and lots of

Homely I'm focusing on this for the new year...

Obviously we all need a touch more braveness than the rest of them but you can do it!

Homely maybe the New Year is stressful with a WN involved as it should be a time to plan ahead, but we know they'll try to manipulate things again. Maybe it would help to focus on new things that WN has nothing to do with?

Nat I hope things speed up for you in Jan. Your WN sounds completely mentally unstable, which hopefully will be visible in court so you get sole custody.

My WN latest game actually helps my DCs, his GF is suddenly being very nice (following my DCs telling WN that they like my BF) and GF has said they can stay at hers overnight so they get more time with their dad and less with his awfulDM. He is likely behind this change and no doubt put pressure on GF to compete. DCs happy so that's the main thing.

Purple I love that message. Very positive

Hi all. That's a brilliant message Purple thanks.

Glad to see everyone is in one piece. All ok here. Bit of an odd xmas for me, first without the dc, then when they came back I was unwell for the day! Still, better today and we've had a nice day at home together.

Have really felt the loss of the family unit this xmas. My own immediate family has changed a lot over the last year as well, so it all feels a bit turbulent. As Purple's message says though, time to embrace change, be excited and make things happen. There's no going back in my case, so just one way to go.

I finally dropped a xmas card in to Mr HJM. Just friendly and a bit jokey. I think he may be a hard nut to crack (?!) but I'm not going to give up. Saw sleazy text man over xmas, it was unavoidable. I put on a brave face, walked into the room where he was (with my friend, his gf) and loads of others - and did the whole xmas kiss kiss thing ! It was really hard, but I managed to have a good evening, just pretended nothing had happened. He think he was cringing inside - as he bloody well should be.

Oh, well done Dusters - both for card and braving out the meeting

Well done on the card front dusters !

It'a a sad thing about family for me too. I grew up with piles of great aunts and uncles and a wide spread family, but my parents are only children, as am I, and now my family is tiny Add to that the WN issues and the shit that we have been dragged through over the last year and my life feels unrecognisable in lots of ways.

I enjoyed this Christmas though. My DS was very sweet and loving after not spending Christmas with me for the last 2 years because of all the crap and me really not being able to cope with being in the same room as WN. We have talked a lot about drawing lines in the sand and moving forward, making good memories etc. Hopefully that will happen.

Thanks SanFran I hate to admit my parents were right but most things aren't as bad in reality as they are in my imagination ! I used to be the world's worst procrastinator, but now I can't stand the worry beforehand more than the reality of doing something. So I'm trying a kind of shut your eyes and step off the cliff mentality. I know I'll land on my arse - a lot - but am more afraid of not doing things than staying safe.

So glad you've had a good Christmas Purple , from what you've told us you've really been through the mill lately. That's lovely about your son. Sorry to hear your family situation has changed. Mine is as a result of twat's father in large part. My mum has a big family and it was always a massive part of all our lives. It's now totally divided.

My dc were with twat's family at Christmas. Apparently his dad was a right misery, and there were various tensions among the siblings. Also, the other person involved in the saga ended up in hospital. Karma, let me introduce you........

Woo well done dusters!

Glad you had a nice christmas purple

Hi Nats I was able to read posts over the last couple of days but couldn't post myself. I saw your other thread, have things settled down?

Dusters brilliant you sent the card. It's now a case of watch this space with us lot willing it on for you. Now this first Christmas is over the next one should, in theory, be easier.