Support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh thread 4

[Lilacpink40]

Hi all

Dusters - that's my problem: I cannot get to the Ice Queen stage.

The level of worthlessness I feel, the level of betrayal - you'd think I could but all I feel is utter worthlessness. These were people who were supposed to love me and despite everything I still love him (my mother can go to hell and then some)

It's been nearly a year and I'm still stuck.

Oh frog no advice I'm afraid, just a hand hold and cuddle and some

Don't get me wrong Frog, I have moments where I could just crumple on the floor. I spent the last couple of days doing things with dc that we'd done as a family. Sometimes my heart hurt. I just kept reminding myself I was lucky to still be here, with my dc, able to enjoy these things.

I don't know how or why what's happened hasn't made me feel worthless. Weirdly that's one of the few emotions I haven't felt in all this. In fact I've felt the opposite, that they are utterly unworthy of my time, respect etc. It's made me feel stronger that I haven't had to resort to treating people in my life like this. I don't know why they did what they did, and now I don't care. I know it's not about me. It's about their needs, their insecurities, their inability to act any other way.

I've never been like this before. But just like you can't deal with a WN in a normal way, I decided I would take whatever action I needed to protect myself. I've had some major stuff to deal with in the past, I never treated people badly as a result. I bet you've never taken out your past on people either. Life is messy and complicated. Some people navigate through taking people with them, others use people as life rafts then discard them. I think some of the hurt will always remain, but you will be able to get some distance. All this has changed me. To move on I think you have to allow that to happen.

Just to add Frog I'm further down the road, it's 2.5 years since it all started. Time really has been the thing that's created distance.

frog I just wanted to say I get it, I do, I've been deeply betrayed by two people who were supposed to love and care for me and utter worthlessness is how I feel too. It would be so much easier if it all just ended and for me, some days I wouldn't care if it did. But the one thing I remember is that I'm not worthless to my DC. And not being here would mean leaving my beautiful DC all alone with that WN for a father. Never.

I really like what dusters has written above and I'm going to reread it a few times as I think it's a very strong and positive outlook that I'd like to have too. Maybe, hopefully with time we can both get to that point too. to you x

This is from a Buddhist publication about meditating:

"What you are looking for is flexibility, an ability to see beyond your limited, narrow view of the person you dislike, and break out of the mental rat-run you slip into whenever their name comes up. They want what you want from life: to be happy and to be free from pain. They are going to die one day, just as you are. You can let them be more than the villain in your little drama, let them be themselves."

I'm not sure why but this helps me. It doesn't change what they've done or make me able to forgive them, but it makes them smaller and takes away some of their power.

greencar those two people were fools. I only know you from your writing but you are kind, compassionate, sensitive, wise, funny and full of good feeling towards others. You are so far from worthless and so deserving of better things to come. Your worth is not measured by their betrayal. You were worth everything before they came into your life, and nothing they have done changes that.

Interestingly that has been the path I have trodden: he is who he is.

Problem is I cannot forget who he marketed himself as: I lived him, I trusted him, and it was a complete sham. I understand all the rationale behind it all, I've done the Freedom Programme, I've spent hours talking to others who have experienced similar but I'm still stuck in utter grief and I have no idea why.

Maybe because it is the death of the person you loved frog, even though he was never real? He was real to you for that time and now he's not there. It is grief, and sometimes that can take a long time to heal. Hang in there. Do you have RL support?

dusters thank you. That means a lot, especially coming from you as you always speak so much sense. I am trying to work on the 'they are the defective ones, not me' mindset. Now, how to ever trust again...one for another day I think.

Frog do you think he believed he was the person he marketed himself to you as? Maybe he was so lacking in confidence in his real self that he had to present something other to obtain you. I can see that's a sham, but it's also pretty dire for the person who cannot be themself.

I think like greencar says he may never have been real, either to himself or you. I can see parallels in this in my relationship. I was looking for something which I chose to see, and I chose to ignore the bits that didn't suit. A lot was genuine, but some fundamental parts were probably always wrong. In the early days lots of things could be glossed over. But when we were really challenged as a couple we didn't survive.

It is a form of grief because it's a loss. It's a complicated grief though because the person is actually still there, and with dc you have contact. But the person you thought you knew is lost to you, and there's no way that can't hurt.

Massive to all you beautiful, strong women.

I was coming on to moan as DD was sobbing about Santa forgetting me but actually - I think Dusters lovely words and advice deserve to take centre stage for now.

I think I posted earlier up thread that I don't recognise the man my WN has become and is certainly not someone I would ever have been attracted to if he'd behaved the way he does now. I think that's also something that you have to learn to forgive. I hated myself for a long time for trusting him and loving him and leaving myself open to the hurt he piled on me - I really struggled to understand how I got sucked in by him. I'm 4 years down the line now, almost to the day, and Dusters is right - time makes a huge difference. I hope you can give yourself some time to heal

I think I posted earlier up thread that I don't recognise the man my WN has become and is certainly not someone I would ever have been attracted to if he'd behaved the way he does now. I think that's also something that you have to learn to forgive. I hated myself for a long time for trusting him and loving him and leaving myself open to the hurt he piled on me - I really struggled to understand how I got sucked in by him.

I could have written that. Word for word. I try to remember that hindsight is a wonderful thing.

to all, and luck and strength for Christmas weekend.

Merry Christmas Eve to one and all .
Here's wishing you all a peaceful & w/n free time.

Hope everyone has a pleasant and stress-free Christmas, lots of all round!

Happy Christmas to you all I think this thread has been my early Christmas present this year. Thanks for the sharing, laughs and hand holding. Onwards and upwards for 2017 !!

Happy Christmas all.

I'm giving everyone a present to share. It may look like a cup of tea but really it's a vessel to catch rubbish. Any rubbish that's thrown in our direction or that we recall based on previous experiences of unreasonable people:

BTW it's bottomless
I'm sticking my ex, exMIL and dad in it.

Merry Christmas all

Love that lilac - glad it's bottomless, my ExMIL is one hell of a big bitch

I hope tomorrow is calm, loving, peaceful and beneficial to all of you.

Thank God it's a WN free zone in my house - too many memories of shit Christmases! Rewriting Christmas in this house.

Always here (even on Christmas Day) if someone is in need of some support.

Merry Christmas everyone, hope it's peaceful for you all

Completely forgot to get DD to call WN today and then she decided to stay at FIL's for the night - he started calling me as soon as I got home of course. Oh well, he didn't even send her a christmas card, let alone a gift, and she was far too excited today to talk on the phone anyway.

Far far too much wine today, I know I'm going to regret it tomorrow but it tastes so good!

Oh lilac I love it. I'd like to put WN in there please. And a few other people, but him first so they land on top of him

YY purple the WN survival bar is always open, all year round. I'm hoping with all my might that WN doesn't ruin Christmas for us and I wish the same for all of you.

Happy Christmas to everyone. If you have DC this Christmas I hope you enjoy a WN free zone. If your DC are elsewhere I hope you have planned a lovely pampering day for yourself. Remember WN can only spoil things if we give them headroom. Chuck them all in lilac's rubbish bin along with all their shitty controlling manipulative behaviour. Xx

Merry Xmas all! After my dramas with WN before my hols I did text him the day we left and simply said "we are leaving today and back on Jan 3. We can discuss further dates after that" - I'm glad I did reply and he can't suggest that I am denying him contact. I was v tense after that but he didn't call to say bye to the DDs and hadn't rung today for Xmas either. In fact last time they spoke was Dec 19th.

DDs are having an absolute blast and I feel like I am a million miles away from the situation at home. I've just logged on today but otherwise I've been reading, seeing family and friends and having a fabulous time.

Wishing you all a merry Xmas, I hope you are enjoying your time if you have your DC with you and hope you are enjoying the break if you don't.

I'd like to chuck my fear of WN into your mug box Lilac.

Here's to a strong and healthy new year to us all.

Glad you are having a lovely time name hope everyone is.

DD called ex and he is still going on about "people" being concerned about my mental health, that I'm not taking care of DD etc. He sounds really convinced by himself so I think he is really in a strong delusional state now. I think I'm going to have to call his dad tomorrow (even though I'm nc with him) and ask him to go check on ex as he possibly needs to be back in the hospital now. Its more sad than funny now, he's very ill and that impacts on DD :(

And OH has been an absolute twat today and disappeared just before dinner was ready with his phone off. I had to contact his friend and get him to go look for him. He found him and he's supposed to be bringing him back but I'm so angry with him I think he's putting off returning. DD was scared, she thought something had happened to him :(

Glad you are having a great time name you deserve the break and can feel that you have done the right thing by your DDs.

natsku your WN doesn't sound stable does he. Pity about the OH being a knob too, hope the rest of your day improved.

My DDs and I have had a lovely peaceful and relaxed Christmas Day. Our first without WN and it has actually been really good. No stressing no hassle, little bit of bickering between DDs but that's to be expected 😄. Not bad all round considering.

Happy Christmas to everyone who visits this thread.

Merry Xmas to all you lovely women too!

I actually had a stress free day (and a lie-in) and even handover with DC went pretty well. They're now home until Tuesday which is his usual overnight and the it's DS's birthday. Poor lad - it all comes at once!

Nat - saw your other thread.. hope you're doing ok or maybe some more

Looking forward to a lazy day tomorrow