Support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh thread 4

[Lilacpink40]

Hi all

Hi all. Sorry for the limited support from me. There just don't seem enough hours in the day at the moment with Xmas, work, childcare etc, and I now have a lovely cold so feel like I'm walking through treacle a bit.

Frog. I am glad Court is over for you. As you say there are no real winners. I think the process is so so shit, soul destroying, it could be made to be more positive for all. Ripping each other to shreds rather than focussing on the positives. It is over though, that is positive for you, that black cloud of worry/pressure can float away. Give yourself some time. The harshness of it all will fade.

It was my birthday this week and some really lovely friends piled round with prosecco and birthday cake and really spoiled me. It was food for my soul and much needed. I tried to make a positive wish about WN when I blew my candles out but it was hard to do!

I am struggling with forgiveness at the moment. I know I need to let things go to move forward but I don't know how to ever forgive him. I loathe him for the devastation he has caused to my family and my DCs. I haven't laid eyes on him for months and months, I just can't, I feel so much hate for him it's frightening. Any one know how to sort of let it go? You can't let your guard down with these WNs either that's the problem.

I have some spare prosecco left (not much) so this round is on me , I'm going to have to serve it in 's for you all though as is obviously red and not prosecco!

Hello mylife panda and noise sad that you have to be here but it helps know we all really 'get it'. Busy time but reading along and sympathising. Frog glad that you won for what it is worth. You are right there are no winners but until all WN's magically disappear in a puff of smoke they will keep on dragging us all through this shit. All you can do is plod forward and hope that at some point they will get bored or the next relationship blowing up in their faces will take the focus off us and our dc's.

Purple have you had counselling? A friend and I both had different types of counselling but in both they did the same sort of thing (mine was called cutting the ties that bind) which made you think about the WN and cut all emotional ties and forgive them. I know! I know! But it isn't for their sake it's for yours so that you can move on with your life without giving a flying fuck about the WK. Really does help you move on and dissipates the anger so that you end up sort of pitying the poor bastard for being such an emotionally shallow and stunted individual.

Wishing everyone a WN free hassle free Christmas, not likely I know but we can but dream 😄

Wow thread is moving quickly hello all, including those new to the thread.

It's interesting to see that all WNs share a selfish streak. It's like they are at the top of the emotional pile and trample everyone beneath them, including their own DCs. Meanwhile we are seeing everyone on a level playing field, but want to put DCs first; worry about DCs emotions, development and care if they are happy. It's not really co-parenting, it's one person parenting with the other using DCs for their own benefit.

Dusters I hope the 2 week hols gives all the DCs a break, and when your DS goes back to school all is ok.

Nat sounds like you have a good plan to follow for your DD and your WN will look like a real twat if he tries to intervene, or better still look unhinged enough for an ambulance to cart him off.

Purple I go between hating my WN to feeling emptiness for him. If you find forgiveness please pass on tips!

Noise my exMIL is a twisted witch. Worse than WN and my DCs are well into working her out. Do your DCs see through her sinister ways?

Frog hopefully in time the stress from court will settle and the benefits will outweigh the negatives.

Name have great holidays and leave the worries in an imaginary twat box at home.

I knew my WN was planning something as he knows I have a BF. Now he's started to show me his controlling WN ways. Without ever meeting my BF he's told my DCs that they should absolutely ignore my BF's DS (6yr) as he's very bad. This was said after my DD mentioned that my BF's DCs had disagreed over a game 😂
Then he's decided at my DS's bedtime to skype him for as long as possible and encourage his GF to blow him kisses and said GF loves him and was missing my DS. Grr, funny that all the sudden OTT affection, but she won't have my DCs in her house?
He didn't do it with DD as she's older and would have seen straight through it.

I find the game playing funny, so ignored it and instead simply asked for the first few weeks in Jan dates. As usual that is too much for him, I mean why should he have to let me know when he can have them ahead of timegrrrr?

Thanks red. I have but maybe not focussed on WN in that way. It will be my New Year resolution to move on with this.

Red we can dream or we can thank fuck our lucky stars that we're not stuck living with a WN

Dusters I feel for your friend here, trying to pretend WN behaviour is fine and a relationship is balanced is demoralising. Maybe in 2017 she'll be able to step back and take it in.

Hey STOP it was fundamental for me. It shows on a sheet of paper the categories of abusers, and it showed me how an abuse victim is so open to abuse from new perpetrators: your radar is tuned for the abuser you've left, you're so occupied with looking for traits of the King Of The Castle, the Headworker sneaks in under the radar. It was a revelation that they're all a variation of the same type. When we were given the handout there was a room full of actually really stressed and broken women reading it and nodding our heads, we all saw our exes on there. The fact that this type exists in such force to be categorised en masses with such accuracy was a surprise.

LILAC yes she's shocking. XP is her flying monkey, without a doubt! My DC with him is a toddler, he's wonderfully unaware, and has NC. My older DC is old enough to have been harassed by her and other family members. I won't go into details publicly, but it was definitely every time I wasn't doing as I was told (contact demands)

Morning everyone.
Will have to read back to get the background of sone of the newer members so apologies for not knowing your circumstances .
I am so glad I found this thread,maps it's helped me immensely to know others understand.
My ds comes home today I'm sooooooo happy . I'm also a bit scared to see how he has been effected by spending so long with X w/n.
Got some nice things planned for us to do this afternoon and tomorrow , then - I can't believe - it's Xmas eve already .

I wish everyone a peaceful, enjoyable (and a w/n free) Xmas day

Hooray for your DS coming home today 2012 I bet he will be so happy to be home.

Hope your children see through your WN's pathetic attemps Lilac the games they play eh? Ridiculous.

Got the child maintenence letter through - it's £7 a week (not sure where I got that 40p from before!) because he is on benefits. But he's not - he works full time! At least I now know why it's so rubbish.

I will obviously be challenging and kind of hoping I expose him in some sort of benefit fraud so he gets fucked up. Sorry, petty and not worthy of me really but fgs, it is bad enough having to get an external organisation involved so he will provide the bare minimum of support but for him to somehow even get out of that, is so hurtful! Sadly, I do need the money as well - wish I could just walk away but with DS getting older and starting swimming for example, I will be struggling long before this gets sorted out. I guess we could just pull back on all the 'extras' (although I think swimming is one of life's essentials), but why should my DC miss out because they have a shit SHIT father

Thank you for your post, Noise.. sounds like something that could really help me.

Yay for DC coming home, holidays, good friends, prosecco and small victories against WN's everywhere. Can't believe it's practically Xmas - ho ho ho

Oh lovely WN-survivors: I've skimmed but quite frankly I entirely unable to process.

To be honest right now if a bus landed on me I would be very thankful - and I realise how selfish that sounds - I'm so utterly hollow)

Anyway - given that I'm part of the WNsisterhood, despite the skimming and non-processing - I just wanted to send and various Christmas 🎄 in the hopes that I can add to the determination for Christmas spirit in the face of such a deep put of inhumanity.

Huge hugs Frog - I hope you're able to find some peace over the next few days and are able to enjoy the break with your DC! You sound in so much pain but please know there are people out there who can help and listen.

If it does get unbearable please call the Samaritans (116 123) or Womens Aid (0808 2000 247) or post here but please don't feel like you're alone or you don't matter

Nat my eldest regularly tells me how he's let her down and youngest wonders why WN keeps passing them to GPs during the little time he has them. Then on the phone with them it's as though I don’t let him see them.

2012 good DS will be back for Christmas, how is he now home?

Stoplaughing I hope you do expose him. I know the CSA used to be able to take money from wages, so wonder if anyone knows if they can still do that?
Be easier for you if they can sort this, plus arrears!

Frog 'WNsisterhood' is lovely idea. Hope you're able to talk in RL too. This phase should end

More bullshit from ex on the phone today - apparently he's been advised to tell DD that 'mummy is being bad and hurting her and breaking the law' thankfully DD has the sense to hand me the phone the moment he starts talking about me.

Oh frog wish I could give you a real hug but have to make do with an internet one. Keep strong, you are doing well even though its so so hard. I hope you can enjoy Christmas. Give your DC extra cuddles.

Frog

Lilac is your ex actually my ex? My ex would demand contact that was based on his mothers wishes to see my DS, and he would miss out on seeing DS if it meant his mother could see him sooner! Then harps on about not seeing him enough..... or rather, harped on. This was when he had regular contact, he's ruined that!

My Ds is home .
He stunk, was exhausted & starving.poor little mite.
It's great to have him back. He fell asleep really early. I think he's happy to be home.

Oh your poor DS 2012

Oh no, 2012... but he's home And only two more days until Xmas!

Glad you DS is home 2012 you can enjoy Christmas now.

Stoplaughing if he has claimed to be on benefits and is actually working isn't their a confidential hotline to report benefit cheats!! He must have produced paperwork to show his benefits so you just need to tell them where he is working at or who he is working for they will do the rest.

Frog sorry to hear that you feel so empty and sad. Please know that things will get better given time and I second what stoplaughing said about Samaritans. It is a WN speciality to fuck with your head so badly that you feel like this! and hugs.

Lilac all WN are so alike you would think that they took some masters degree in wanknarkidness and graduated top of the class! Won't agree sensible contact arrangements, won't agree times or days, say that we make it difficult or don't want them to see the DC's then when they do get then complain about actually having to act like a parent or always have someone else there to actually look after them!

Natsku it just shows what a selfish twat he is to say such damaging things to your DD. As your Dd gets older she will see what he is truly like.

My WN (being incapable of thinking for himself) asked what DD2 would like for Christmas. I told him exactly what she wanted (i.e. Exact technical description etc) Got a message yesterday saying 'did you give me the right description' the present was massive and for a much younger age group! He'd bought the wrong one by mistake BUT it had to be my fault not his error!

Pretty much any contact with him makes me want to scream TWAT at the top of my voice although singing the Fuck-off Song over and over in my head will help in the future 🙂🙂

Hugs and to everyone that needs them.

FROG. I'm so sorry you feel hollow. Gentle virtual hug to you .
We are here. Please rant away here and say how you're feeling .

to everyone. Frog in particular.

Hope everyone is having a peaceful Christmas Eve eve

Hi all. Glad this latest chapter is over for you Frog. As somebody said earlier, none of us are in a winner/loser situation. The thing we all wanted has already been lost, it's now making the best of things. We all know that you will have done your best for you and the dc, you deserve any good that comes from it.

My ex (it's Christmas so I won't call him twat!) hasn't seen the dc since last Sunday. His choice. I had one of his nights but apparently he was busy on the offered alternative, and also his usual night. It's been strange. The dc seem fine as it's been really busy, but no way will I let this become a habit.

I keep thinking of that statistic about how many men cease contact with their dc after two years. We're not far short of that timescale now. My ex has surprised me in so many ways, both during and after we split. The one thing I never thought he would be was the kind of man who would start to see his dc less. Hopefully last week was a blip. How any parent can start to loosen the ties with their dc is truly beyond me. He doesn't even have a new partner and a "new life". I think this one's just become a bit too real for him.

All quiet otherwise, not looking forward to dropping them off tomorrow, but it'll be fine. Hope everyone else is getting into the Christmas spirit

I want to rant so very much. I want to scream from the hilltops that I'm so hurt.

The kicker was him detailing (and completely irrelevant detail at that because it had no bearing on the here and now) how he's been in regular contact with my estranged parents. How he and his parents have shared meals together, how he's been to see them on several occasions and how my mother told him that I wanted to send my eldest child away to them because I'd decided I wanted to adopt a baby girl.

I called my parents today and told them this little gem: my mother had denied it but experience tells me that it's a toss-up between the ex and her over who actually said it (they both have form for twisting the truth, re-writing history and twisting words to suit their personal agenda).

I've never felt so physically sick over another human being.

Frog somehow you have to move on from these dysfunctional and damaging people. Hopefully you are one step nearer to doing that. People like that don't change. Sorry you've had the misfortune of them in your life.

Dusters hi, long time no speak. Hopefully this is just a blip with your ex. Don't think about the worse scenario

Hope you all have a peaceful Christmas

Frog that's just unforgiveable on both sides, his and your mother. I remember from previous posts you saying that you are estranged from your parents. I could say they deserve each other, leave them to it, they're all as bad as each other, but I know it doesn't help.

I've mentioned before that I'm nc with ex's family, and he's nc with mine. Other members of my wider family were also friends with ex's family. Two of these, one related to my mum the other married into the family, played a large part in the sick saga that lead to mine and ex's break up. Like somebody said previously, the hatred I have for these two individuals is frightening.

Earlier this year my mum decided to get back in contact with her family member, despite knowing what they've done to me, my dad and my dc. It made me feel physically sick, I called her on it, and we didn't speak for a couple of weeks. I decided that I would not let these two people ruin anything else in my life. So I swallowed my pride, told my mum that I disagreed with her choice, wanted to hear nothing about the person, and that they were dead to me. She hasn't been able to stop herself mentioning that she's seen them. I think she hopes one day I (and my dad) will magically relent and see them again. This will never happen.

I'm writing about this as, although it's not as close to home as your situation, I get the wanting to scream, rant and feeling physically sick. In the midst of not speaking to my mum I bumped into a friend's dh in the supermarket. I was clearly upset but he went on and on. I just broke down in tears, it was mortifying, never said anything to him. I remember thinking nobody is ever going to make me feel so bad again. Hence the whole ice queen approach.

I don't know how you come to terms with such betrayal. That's the main thing I've had to deal with. I've decided that they're weaker than me, and only deserving of my contempt. I know I would never betray someone like they have done, so just file them away in the box labelled "done with". My mum and I are ok. I deal with it by thinking she's been a good mum, this is her one almighty slip up. I can't forgive it, so I just refuse to let it into my life. It's hard though.

Hi Purple Yes, I'm thinking blip for now, and not borrowing worry from tomorrow as they say. Will squash any such thoughts with and !