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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hoe do I take what has just been ssid to me?

156 replies

Holly90 · 12/12/2016 21:31

Long story short myself and DP having a row, (he suffers with anger issues at times) he turns around and calls me a 'creature' doesn't care about me anymore, go and shag someone else for all he cared. May I add he has said hurtful things in the past, gets to a boiling point, simmers down and then apologies, he also suffers with mental health issues, now I'm not making excuses believe me, I fully believe whatever comes out of anybody's mouth is completely there responsibly. I don't talk hurtful to anybody, I don't have an evil bone in my body.
I'm distraught

OP posts:
Original poster
Holly90 · 12/12/2016 23:58

Nirvanababy, no I had an amazing childhood, loving parents (still together now) stable house never moved, lovely area, great Christmas memories, holidays the lot, I had an awesome childhood, I have no idea where this trait had risen come from in me, to be honest my mother is the same, my dad is very religious (turned Catholic around 10-13) years ago, my mother had this 'save people' trait too :/

1forAll74 he admits he has issues, sometimes (rarely) in denial about the problems, he gets angry, says hurtful things, emotional blackmail etc and when he comes down from his anger I talk him through how what he said made him feel and what the impact of his words where, I point out the abusive behavior, I recently went online and loudly spoke out 30 traits of an abusive relationship to him and asked "did you recognise any of them?" To which he replied "yes" so he isn't stupid

OP posts:
JunosRevenge · 12/12/2016 23:59

A man who will be cruel to animals will be cruel to you.

Get rid, OP. He is a danger to you as well as to your poor dog.

AnyFucker - * teasmade*! Grin

Pollyanna9 · 13/12/2016 00:00

Holly90 mine went for counselling too.

He never really got significantly better and I did this trying and forgiving for five YEARS. Don't end up like me, ending a relationship at the age of 45. Pick the right guy to share those years with.

And this guy literally was the love of my life but he was very very very bad for me. And that's all there is to it. No matter what shit they've gone through it is not an excuse to be an utter wanker to you. Honestly, it isn't.

You don't wanna know how much worse it can get OP.

Decide now the practicalities of how you're going to get shot of him and whether you need a support person to be with you. That's up to you but you do need to plan it so it happens effectively and safely in a way that works for you and gets him out with the minimum of fuss.

Original poster
Holly90 · 13/12/2016 00:01

AcrossthePond55 I know! The fuck am I going to do with a ps4 now? 😂 started Christmas shopping early and it all added up over the months 🙈
Hahahahahahahaha yes I do and I'm going to sell the ps4 and buy a few of the fuckers 🙊😂

OP posts:
Pollyanna9 · 13/12/2016 00:02

Yep, I tried talking an explaining (mostly with my first partner, husband).

Total and utter feckin' waste of breath!

Honestly! It's not going in, it's really not.

It never will.

Pollyanna9 · 13/12/2016 00:03

Get another dog!!!! Ha ha!!!

Nice bit of free cash for you, bonus!

And use some of it to change the locks or whatever. Very handy.

Original poster
Holly90 · 13/12/2016 00:06

Pollyanna9 it isn't an excuse is it? I always understood that if you loved someone as much as he claims he loves me you wouldn't treat someone/say things that he says and does.

I am still young (ish) I'm always searching for my next relationship for some reason, I need to be on my own for a good while and get strong and find out why I keep leading my self with arseholes and more importantly putting up with it! Your post rings so clear with me... I'm so sorry you went through that :(

OP posts:
KindDogsTail · 13/12/2016 00:14

You do not say if you are religious at all yourself, but if you are I would like to say that I believe that though religious feeling is good, there can be a problem when it leads to the confused feeling that you have to be 'good' and forgive and help someone who is taking advantage of you, at the expense of your own health and well being. Women in general have suffered too much from the idea that they should be 'good'.

To some extent the church has not caught up with psychology. You would not be bad if you leave this man, and it is up to him to help himself; and God if you believe in God/his own inner strength can help him better than you could ever do.

Nirvanababy · 13/12/2016 00:14

Sorry holly I was totally off the mark there
Besides that- you should totally get rid. AF teas made is probably the best solution haha xx

Original poster
Holly90 · 13/12/2016 00:17

I have my own faith in my heart, but not to the extent of living by the church etc, I don't go to mass or anything, my faith is silently in my heart. No it's just me really wanting to help someone by sacrificing myself 😣

OP posts:
Original poster
Holly90 · 13/12/2016 00:19

Nirvanababy it's fine don't worry about it 😊
Yeah definitely teasmade! I need my strong coffee as soon as I wake regardless of what is going on in the world 😄

OP posts:
Original poster
Holly90 · 13/12/2016 00:21

Nirvanababy it's fine don't worry about it 😊
Yeah definitely teasmade! I need my strong coffee as soon as I wake regardless of what is going on in the world 😄

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 13/12/2016 01:18

I am still young (ish) I'm always searching for my next relationship for some reason, I need to be on my own for a good while and get strong and find out why I keep leading my self with arseholes and more importantly putting up with it!

This very same thing sent me to counseling when I was in my mid-20s. When the counselor asked me what I wanted to accomplish I said "I want to know why I pick such shit men and how do I stop?!". Took 18 months to figure it all out but it was sooo worth it!

boo2410 · 13/12/2016 03:23

I've just read this thread, Holly90 please make sure you kick him out and change the locks, for the sakes of you and your dog. Stay strong, do not waiver. Once a tosser always a tosser.

Namechanger2015 · 13/12/2016 06:40

Just wondering - if he moved in with you, what happened to the proceeds of the sale of his old property (assuming he had bought a property?)

Does he pay an equal share of rent and bills at yours?

Empress13 · 13/12/2016 06:57

Anyone who was horrible to my dog would be history sorry!

God help you if you have kids !! Get out now evil Bastard !

Empress13 · 13/12/2016 06:58

Just wanted to add is he jealous of your relationship with the dog?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/12/2016 07:08

He needs to be gone and stay gone from your life today. Not tomorrow, today.

You've let this person into your life at all at great cost to you and your dog. What he is doing to the dog he is also doing to you. You were targeted by this individual who is a highly manipulative scumbag. Like many abusers he is also using mental health problems as an excuse to further beat you up with.

I would suggest enrolling on Womens Aid Freedom Programme so you more readily recognise the red flags in future.

Look at your whole approach to relationships and totally now reassess it through counselling. You will keep on picking and choosing the Losers and Low Lifes otherwise because they will see something in you they can and will exploit to their own ends. Look at what you learnt about relationships when growing up, what did your parents teach you?.

Re your comment:-
"I have no idea where this trait had risen come from in me, to be honest my mother is the same, my dad is very religious (turned Catholic around 10-13) years ago, my mother had this 'save people' trait too :/"

That says it all really; this whole rescuer and or saviour thing. That is what they taught you and you will have to unlearn that. You cannot act as either a rescuer and or saviour in any relationship; neither approach works. This bloke saw your need to want to rescue/save him and fully exploited it.

ComedyBoobs · 13/12/2016 07:20

How did he react when you packed his bags & told him to leave?

christinarossetti · 13/12/2016 07:29

Just a thought.... Depending where you are, you can have approx 10 counselling/ therapy sessions for the money you've spent on him for Xmas.

That would be the start of you understanding your need to get involved and stay in abusive relationships.

What's your plan re leaving? It sounds like he's on your turf as he moved in with you. Have you had a discussion about him leaving yet?

SandyY2K · 13/12/2016 07:40

Don't for one minute believe that he forgot the dog doesn't like that. He knew exactly what he was doing.

I'm glad you're ending this abusive relationship.

I don't know if it's the price of renting property, but I notice especially in London, people move in together way too quickly, without really knowing the other person.

PsychedelicSheep · 13/12/2016 07:46

'Is he jealous of your relationship with the dog?'

Yes he is. Pathetic isn't it really? He definitely has insecure attachment issues but he needs help you are not equipped to provide, he will be a bottomless pit of need and however much you give him it won't be enough. He needs to learn through therapy to be ok on his own and not cling desperately to others to make him feel good about himself. It's very sad to think of the damaged and broken little boy wanting to be loved that is insde of him, and I think this is so often the hook that keeps kind women like you sucked in. But you can't fix others, they have to fix themselves. This guy sounds like he might just have the self-awareness to do ok in therapy (although the fact that he 'hates' counsellors doesn't bode well Hmm). But he's not ready for a relationship at the moment. Let's see if he actually puts his money where his mouth is and makes some actual steps towards changing once you've ended the relationship.

user1480843266 · 13/12/2016 07:47

Hello Holly90, he sounds quite mean and manipulative and you haven't even been together very long. You have everything going for you in being able to make a quick clean break. Believe me, the longer you leave it, the harder it becomes.

There seems underlying issues here, mental health issues. My dp (that I have just left) also has these problems and one day will admit it, one day will cry for help, then the next everything is my fault. It's no way to live and if you have a support network close, what are you waiting for, it won't get better by itself.

PoldarksBreeches · 13/12/2016 07:59

You have learnt a very damaging model of relationships. You believe that your partner is more important than you and that your job is to coddle and manage an inadequate man in the hope that he will turn into an adequate one.
No. you're as important as anyone, and to you, you should always be the most important (until you have kids). You cannot love someone better and in fact, when a man's issue is 'trust/anger' then by staying in the relationship you are harming his recovery. It's like an alcoholic trying to do recovery whilst still drinking. A domestic abuser, if he is serious about change (which your guy isn't, sorry) must be single while he does the work. Otherwise he is able to enact his addiction whenever he goes home.
Your behaviour is co dependence/compulsive care giving and they need to be addressed ASAP, definitely before you get into a new relationship.

Costacoffeeplease · 13/12/2016 08:05

I hope the fucker's out on his abusive arse. Anyone who abuses an animal is scum

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