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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hoe do I take what has just been ssid to me?

156 replies

Holly90 · 12/12/2016 21:31

Long story short myself and DP having a row, (he suffers with anger issues at times) he turns around and calls me a 'creature' doesn't care about me anymore, go and shag someone else for all he cared. May I add he has said hurtful things in the past, gets to a boiling point, simmers down and then apologies, he also suffers with mental health issues, now I'm not making excuses believe me, I fully believe whatever comes out of anybody's mouth is completely there responsibly. I don't talk hurtful to anybody, I don't have an evil bone in my body.
I'm distraught

OP posts:
ilovelamp82 · 12/12/2016 23:16

Abusers tend to up the ante when you move in together/have kids/get married as you're more trapped. Count you're blessings for seeing him for what he really is so early on. Most of us weren't that lucky.

Original poster
Holly90 · 12/12/2016 23:16

She hadn't gone from one hell to another, I've had her nearly 2 years, he has only been here since July, trust me he is going, like I said its sometimes it's hard to see when your in the middle of it and lots of posters here have helped me realise, I feel as if someone has just thrown a brick into my face and woken me up.
No no I didn't say I was, I said he had MENTIONED, doesn't mean to say I engaged in conversation

OP posts:
Pumpkintopf · 12/12/2016 23:17

Leave. This guy is not an amazing man, he is controlling and abusive.

KindDogsTail · 12/12/2016 23:17

Holly90 Mon 12-Dec-16 23:11:00
Also he has been speaking about wanting children, is this an abusers tactic or something?

He knows that once you have children, you'd be well and truly caught.

Chickoletta · 12/12/2016 23:18

Be strong, LTB and good luck for the future. You and your dog deserve better.

Arfarfanarf · 12/12/2016 23:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Holly90 · 12/12/2016 23:19

That thought did cross my mind ilovelamp82, he mentioned it and I brushed it off, quickly turned too something else. Yes I understand a lot of women/men can go on living with a Dp Dh Dw for many years without realising :(

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 12/12/2016 23:19

Oh HELL yes, promising children is a 'tactic'. It's promising their victim something they dearly want be it children, a house in the country, or the moon.

I understand your feeling re him moving to be with you. Fine, then give him the price of a one-way bus/train ticket home and show him the door.

Please don't wait on this. The longer you wait the more time he'll have to play with your head until you don't know your own mind. Do it NOW. Think of the peace and quiet you will have in your home. Think of the 'sureness' you will have in your thoughts and feelings. Think of the money you'll save for not buying Xmas gifts for someone you plan to break up with!!!

OK, that last is only half serious.

Original poster
Holly90 · 12/12/2016 23:21

Thank you all so so much again.
I'm sorry you have had read a thread that has probably angered a lot of you.
I'm sorting it.
Thank you all so much for taking the time help.

OP posts:
Original poster
Holly90 · 12/12/2016 23:22

Acrossthepond55 I've already forked out nearly £500 quid on the wanker 😂

OP posts:
AbernathysFringe · 12/12/2016 23:23

There are worse things that being alone, being with this guy is one.

elfycat · 12/12/2016 23:25

Ceramicglass I understand that you are upset about the dog. Most of your posts are focused on that. I love animals too.

But he's abusing a person as well as a dog. And the abuse of the person is no less important. In fact I bet he carefully judged his abuse of the dog/ forgiveness of OP over it, as much as he's done it to her. Making her question if he is or is not cruel to the dog.

Please stop niggling the OP about it all. She came on to get her head straight about a lot of things. She is not an animal abuser AT ALL. She and the dog are victims of abuse.

The fact that he's trying to stop you from getting help or support (from your mother) is a classic move. He made it sound reasonable but how can it be?

He needs to go. Any abuse of you or the dog and he needs to pack a bag and arrange to collect the rest of his stuff. And you need RL support, talk with your mother or friends. His behaviour is his secret, not yours.

Original poster
Holly90 · 12/12/2016 23:25

AbernathysFringe took me to right on here for advice to realise this

OP posts:
KindDogsTail · 12/12/2016 23:25

Although he may say he did not know he would be that way with you, his instinct would have known you were just what he needed and that another woman who would put up with him might be difficult to find. Sadly, it seems you have given yourself as the welcome doormat, so that's where counselling might help.

It truly is difficult to see a predicament for what it is when you are in the middle of it. I think everyone understands.

Original poster
Holly90 · 12/12/2016 23:32

Thank you elfycat Flowers

Kinddogstail, I have been a doormat, exactly, I just thought by holding out for him, by suffering myself, he would be able to get his PTSD sorted. I/my pooch can't suffer any longer, he isn't worth it.

Yes I have suffered being a doormat in the past, but this one takes it too new extremes 😣

OP posts:
Idontbelievethelies · 12/12/2016 23:34

He sounds like a cruel cowardly excuse of a penis flap. Do yourself and your poor dog a favour and dump him.

Also if he leaves, he might come back so you're going to have get some strength from somewhere. Come on op you can do this. Tell him to go and mean it.

Wdigin2this · 12/12/2016 23:35

You're getting nothing out of this relationship, so get out....now!

Original poster
Holly90 · 12/12/2016 23:41

Your right, I'm getting zilch! A few laughs and sometimes feel a little bit special... minus the behaviour I don't feel secure with him anyway, always threatening to leave me (I've seen that as a form of control too now come to think of it) he isn't working at the moment, although when he did he was amazing with his money, very helpful, treated me to lots of cute things often, made the effort with candles, massages, dates etc, on paper he sounds like the bomb! Then.... month or two into moving in, his behaviours changed (still done all the nice things in the mean time) but slowly started to witness odd behavior :/ the nice side I see has made it hard for me too see the truth.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/12/2016 23:42

Get a teasmade

Get rid of the abuser

KindDogsTail · 12/12/2016 23:42

You don't need to do the suffering, and the thing to remember is that nothing you can do will help him, so it will all be for nothing if you stay with him.

What you are doing (sacrificing) seems like doing what 'a good person' would do, but that idea would be mistaken.

Actually, sacrificing your own and your dog's, and possible childrens' well being is not being good if it leads to the harm of three or more (incl. your dog) and will set up future misery as the children become adults.

KindDogsTail · 12/12/2016 23:46

Coming on strong at the start with lots of romance and lovely things, strangely enough is a marker for an abuser. He may also be quite a charmer. You will see it in a list if you look up abuse.

Nirvanababy · 12/12/2016 23:48

holly you mentioned earlier that you were a rescuer, I am too, but that was from a few issues I childhood. It's a long shot but were you at all abused (in any way) as a child and that's why you feel you need to be someone to rescue others?
I had counselling and one of the things to come out of it was my need to rescue anyone/ anything vulnerable
I had to learn that I wasn't responsible for saving anything else. I do still have a need to rescue animals, but have realised that humans, especially adult humans Smile have to take respo7for themselves too and I can't rescue everyone. And neither can you

1forAll74 · 12/12/2016 23:49

Holly,is it in any way possible,that you could have a rational conversation with your partner about all these issues?
Maybe you should separate for some time,and suggest that he tries to get help with his issues as its not good for you to live as you do,and certainly not good for your dog either.
Its easy to say that things might get better in your home,as you say he can be ok at times,,,, but you know about your mans problems,and they need to be sorted out soon.
No doubt he will be in denial about all things, but don't listen to this. I think that you and your dog will be good to move on without him.
Taking his issues out on a pooch,is a very sad and bad thing to do,and could get worse.

Original poster
Holly90 · 12/12/2016 23:49

Anyfucker 😂 howling!

I genuinely thought I was helping him, in the beginning when I saw the behaviour, I gave him an ultimatum, I said you go for counseling or we don't stay together, so he decided he would go to counseling (he hates them and had tried too avoid them) so I thought ok, he is trying, he is willing to go and face all his demons for the sake of us being together. So he said in the mean time please try to not challenge my insecurities (abandonment issues) so I agreed I would help him for the time being...

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 12/12/2016 23:55

Acrossthepond55 I've already forked out nearly £500 quid on the wanker

500 quid??? Fuck me, Marietta!!!!! 😱😡💀

You do know that you can get the same level of satisfaction from a £20 vibrator and a couple of D cell batteries, don't you?😜