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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hoe do I take what has just been ssid to me?

156 replies

Holly90 · 12/12/2016 21:31

Long story short myself and DP having a row, (he suffers with anger issues at times) he turns around and calls me a 'creature' doesn't care about me anymore, go and shag someone else for all he cared. May I add he has said hurtful things in the past, gets to a boiling point, simmers down and then apologies, he also suffers with mental health issues, now I'm not making excuses believe me, I fully believe whatever comes out of anybody's mouth is completely there responsibly. I don't talk hurtful to anybody, I don't have an evil bone in my body.
I'm distraught

OP posts:
Topseyt · 12/12/2016 22:46

honour bloody auto-correct again.

KindDogsTail · 12/12/2016 22:46

Whatever is wrong with him, curing him is not something you can do.
He has to do that alone, with professional help. He may never be all right, anyway and may prefer to remain as he is with a woman looking after him..

You have a future - if you leave him, and get help for yourself to see why you feel you need to make things better for an awful person (awful for whatever reason).

If you tell him to leave, get ready for lots of manipulation and crying and romantic words.

EmeraldIsle100 · 12/12/2016 22:47

OP I just saw the bit about children being different. It sent shivers down my spine. I beg you not to have children with him, just please don't. He won't be a kind father and he will be his usual horrible self with children and it will damage them immeasurably.

Ceramicglass · 12/12/2016 22:48

Why are you even talking to him? Don't engage with him. Pack a bag and tell him to fuck right off and that you will report him to the police for being cruel to your dog if he ever comes near you again. Don't feed into this drama and get sucked into his bullshits. Don't bother talking to him. Pack a bag and throw him out on the road

TheProblemOfSusan · 12/12/2016 22:48

It's horrible when you start to realise you've been duped. That the person that you thought was all that and a bag of crisps is actually playing you and treating you awfully. He can be that nice guy, sometimes, by the sounds of it, but with this: He has tried to bully me and when I say wow that's wrong apparently I'm 'challenging' his insecurities - he's not nice underneath.

AcrossthePond55 · 12/12/2016 22:51

I hope you stick to your resolve to get rid of this wanker. You have a duty of care to your poor innocent dog and to the people she comes in contact with. She will be tortured by him until she strikes out and ends up biting someone. The problem is that you don't know whether she'll bite him or will lash out at some innocent person because she has been triggered by something he has done.

Get rid of him tomorrow? Hell, I'd pack his bags immediately and show him the door. Even if I had to call back-up (friends or family) to help me escort him out.

Just for general reference, my DS2 has PTSD. He does not abuse or 'wind up' animals. He is not cruel or abusive to others. He does still have some anger issues but you can actually see him trying to control them and if he can't he knows to excuse himself and 'take a walk'. It really angers me when wankers like your bf use PTSD to act out or behave like wankbadgers.

Horsegirl1 · 12/12/2016 22:53

Less than a year ??? This sounds a disaster . Get out now

midsummabreak · 12/12/2016 22:54

As soon as he's gone from your life he can't "wind the dog up daily" You said yourself he's cruelly playing a defenseless animal
His comment "I meant every word of that" is taunting and challenging you as he believes you are not strong enough to break off the relationship him.
Prove him wrong Peacefully LTB without any cruel words and leave him to be cruel on his own Nameste

Original poster
Holly90 · 12/12/2016 22:55

It's so so hard to see when your ' in it' it all becomes the norm, I have to say I'm kind of devastated that I've seen the truth in a way, it makes me feel cheated, the fuck have I got myself into? I felt sorry for him because of all the awful deaths and things he has seen through his life, I've always kind of had that "I'll take you under my wing" attitude but I've just so happened to be abused by doing so, my kind nature probably suits him down to the ground. I literally feel sorry for him in some ways (I feel sorry for everything! 😂) because he has had such a bad past and I thought I could give him that loving family he always wanted/craved 😞

OP posts:
Pollyanna9 · 12/12/2016 22:58

You know Holly90 I genuinely do understand the difficulty when you know that at the heart of them they are a good person, underneath. It can be heard for people to understand that that's the case.

But this was the case in my example. He was good at heart.

But I still lost 5 years of my life to him. He'd also been abused as a child.

But again, if they show that they can't control it or won't control it, you have to think in the black and white of what's good for you (and in this case, your lovely little dog!).

Some sufferers can make a massive effort. Some just can't. And it will also get worse and be a living nightmare if you brought children into the mix.

Take it from one who knows:

It ISN'T different with children
You CANNOT make him better
And no he's NOT different to my previous partner or other poster's partners who were equally crap. He's just the same

He's a manipulator as well - when you try and invoke change he turns it round on you. My XP used to threaten to kill himself constantly - you couldn't make it up.

Chuck him out.

Ceramicglass · 12/12/2016 22:59

How could you not see that you are being kind to him at the expense of your poor dog

StarryIllusion · 12/12/2016 23:00

Anyone tormenting an animal in front of me would be kicked out on the spot. Nowhere to go tonight? Too fucking bad, I like the dog better than you. Dictating who you can talk to? Fuck that shit! Get your head in the game OP, I wouldn't have that from my own father, never mind a boyfriend. This guy is a classic abuser and like fuck would children be different. He's get them under his thumb and then manipulate and abuse them just like he does you, except he would have legal rights over them!

If it's your house just wait till he leaves tomorrow, change the locks and leave his stuff on the doorstep. Call police if he kicks off.

He is a cruel, manipulative, abusive cunt and you can do so, so much better.

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 12/12/2016 23:01

You have a lot of issues and ould do with some counselling yourself.
You cant fix people.
Abusers arent amazing men.

Sadly, i dont see this jerk leaving tomorrow at all.

Pollyanna9 · 12/12/2016 23:01

Yes the feeling sorry rings bells with me.

It's fine to feel sorry - if someone's had a shit time who wouldn't feel sorry.

BUT. It's these blokes that use that against you that are the problem. And that's what he's doing.

He's treating your concern and kindness like shit, which you don't deserve.

KindDogsTail · 12/12/2016 23:02

My husband makes me tea in the morning often. There are lots nice men who would do that, love dogs anyway, and would love you properly - without being horrible and abusive as well.

capricorn12 · 12/12/2016 23:05

So he treats you badly then apologises and he mistreats the dog but is also affectionate with her ....... mental health issue or not, get out now or it could be your future children he's mistreating.

Original poster
Holly90 · 12/12/2016 23:05

I am on the waiting list for counseling myself, I am react to much off my emotions, I don't hurt anyone or anything, like I said I don't have a bad bone in my body, this man has moved miles from his own home to be with me, left his job and moved in with me in a town where he knows no one or anywhere.
I love my dog to absolute bits I haven't meant to hurt her 😢 I give her all my time and my love, I have given her my utter devotion to provide her with the best life.

OP posts:
KindDogsTail · 12/12/2016 23:06

Nowhere to go tonight? Too fucking bad, I like the dog better than you.
Yes. The dog is good. He is no good.

Original poster
Holly90 · 12/12/2016 23:09

Pollyanna9 thank you for understand... genuinely thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Holly90 · 12/12/2016 23:09

Understanding* stupid phone

OP posts:
KindDogsTail · 12/12/2016 23:09

I think, sadly, he has moved miles because he knew he was on to a good thing - he knew you would put up with him being an abuser and give him a home.

It is good you are on the waiting list for counselling. The Freedom programme on line costs just a little, so maybe you could try that while you are waiting.

Original poster
Holly90 · 12/12/2016 23:11

Also he has been speaking about wanting children, is this an abusers tactic or something?

OP posts:
Original poster
Holly90 · 12/12/2016 23:12

Kinddogstail... maybe 🤔 he said he didn't know he was going to be like this with me...

OP posts:
Original poster
Holly90 · 12/12/2016 23:12

Also with regards to the freedom programme, I definitely will thank you for your help.

OP posts:
Ceramicglass · 12/12/2016 23:13

You don't love the dog. You got the dog from one hell to another. You have facilitated this cruelty. And now you are thinking of having children with this guy. And yes I also don't believe anything will come out of this. Please rehome the dog ASAP. I am done with this. Good luck

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