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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

His ex is on my sofa right now...

192 replies

MotherBearAndBabyBear · 12/12/2016 05:40

Hey.
So... either I'm batshit crazy and my pregnancy hormones are everywhere or I'm right in feeling hurt by the ongoings of this evening.

My partners ex from uni is staying tonight and tomorrow on my sofa and I cant shake this bad feeling in my gut. They were never serious and she dumped him after a month or two, but they were in university together and lived in the same house for 3 years and he's told me he's always had feelings for her and wished things didn't end between them.
This is the first time ive met her and she's spent all evening saying how much she hates kids (Ive got an 11 month old and pregnant with second) and how she never wants them and called us crazy and stupid for having kids!
Then he sat there agreeing with her saying his life is shit at the moment and parenting sucks!! -this is news to me...
Cherry on top he didn't/wont tell her I'm pregnant and now i feel really awkward about like he doesn't want this baby...
He spent all evening ignoring me and flirting with her in front of me, he was nicer to her than he's been to me in months, i was in the room with them playing a game while they were cuddled up together on the sofa flirting giggling and watching a film without me...
Am i mad for allowing this?
I went to bed early and left them to it at 11pm last night hoping to send a message I'm not ok with this... and he got into bed at 2am. He's sleeping next to me right now and she's on the sofa and I'm just seething quietly in bed,

Am i mad or is this okay behaviour?

OP posts:
gingeroots · 13/12/2016 12:43

He sounds young .And I know people who always flirt .
I hope he can listen and learn and grow up .

And that you continue to trust your instincts .You knew he was out of order regarding this behaviour .Don't doubt yourself or accept things like being told not mention you're pregnant .

Keep strong .

timeisnotaline · 13/12/2016 12:48

Text her from his phone 'I feel silly about all the shit I said, I love my little baby bear really and I didn't tell you we are having another one-mother bear is pregnant! It's hard sometime of course but the best thing ever 😊'. If he gets really angry then he doesn't mean any of his sorrys...

UnoriginalNN · 13/12/2016 12:48

Leave that shit as soon as you are able.

Fucking disgusting

bloodymaria · 13/12/2016 12:54

Text her from his phone

Don't do that. Don't resort to silly games, figure out if you want to work things through with him and move forward, or end the relationship. She's incidental now, you've seen his true colours.

Namechanger2015 · 13/12/2016 13:04

Leave that shit as soon as you are able. Fucking disgusting

I agree. Flowers

HalfShellHero · 13/12/2016 13:11

I dont want to upset you but re: not telling her your pregnant, im betting he has or is sleeping with her and has told her you 2 are not having sex....

Blackbird82 · 13/12/2016 13:19

Turning on the waterworks isn't a get out of jail free card. So what now? Have you forgiven him?

Aeroflotgirl · 13/12/2016 13:29

Don't fall for his crap, its all games and manipulation, he made it very clear what he thinks of you by his behaviour. You need to think of your kids first and kick him to the curb. You need to plan a future without him. He utterly disrespected and humiated you, is this what you want!

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 13/12/2016 13:29

Hmmm. I'd be wary of the tears. My ex was a pro at this if he thought he wasn't getting his own way. Only yesterday, he phoned to talk about DS (who has ASD) and said he was relieved little one didn't really understand what had happened (cheating on me, then leaving for the OW), because he couldn't bear to have to explain to him what a 'shitty mistake' he'd made.

I know this man now. What he means is that he and OW have split up again, he has nowhere to go for Christmas and is angling for an invite. Crocodile tears which ceased to have an effect on me months ago.

ParisGellar · 13/12/2016 13:30

What a disrespectful, manipulative POS. You and your babies can do better.

MuppetsChristmasCarol · 13/12/2016 13:33

So my husbands best woman at our wedding was a girlfriend from his teens. They are great friends and I think she is fab. So I'm not too fussed about that aspect of it.

However, if my husband started talking like yours I would have real issues. Tell her yourself your pregnant and remind your husband that he wanted children just as much as you. And say this in front of her.

The situation you're in is not ok. Your husband is being a dick. Don't have her stay again.

CharlotteCollins · 13/12/2016 13:51

I'm guessing your reaction to the tears is that he's learnt his lesson and it's all over now.

However, you still have a lot of red flags in your relationship which he won't acknowledge Hmm unless you spend half an hour explaining them. (Repeatedly.)

Someone upthread has listed some red flags from what you've said, but the one that stood out for me was that he tells you you overreact. In other words, his opinion on your life is more important than your own.

Do you think he's emotionally abusive?

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 13/12/2016 13:52

He sounds like a child. He started crying?! Yeah I bet. Turn it round that he's sooooo sorry and he didn't realise.

I'd get shot if him OP. He's basically admitted he still holds a torch for someone else and invited her into your home where he proceeded to humiliate you. Plus, even when she's not there he's not nice to you!

Brazenhussy0 · 13/12/2016 13:53

So he turns on the croc-tears and all is forgiven? Lucky him.

OP, while I doubt very much that you’re going to leave your DP over this incident, you deserve better treatment and far more respect than what he is currently giving you. I truly hope you see that one day (sooner rather than later.)
Find your self-worth Flowers

SandyY2K · 13/12/2016 14:54

People treat you how you let them treat you. Just because she has a boyfriend doesn't mean she won't sleep with yours and you shouldn't have to rely on her not fancying him to prevent a sexual encounter.

Only you can change your life.

Cary2012 · 13/12/2016 16:29

OP, he crossed a line. He made it crystal clear in his own home, by his words and behaviour that he doesn't value you and you child as much as he valued his past life.

He could cry a river and it won't change how he behaved.

You're pregnant and feel tied, and I suspect you will paper over the cracks.
But you do have options, remember that.

It is irrelevant whether she fancies the pants off him or not. This isn't about her. It's about his blatant disregard of you, your family and your relationship with him. He should be proud of you, delighted to share the news of your pregnancy. His priority should be you.

You must ignore his tears, which are for himself by the way, and take a long hard look at this.

Being humiliated like this, in my book, is cruel and unforgivable. You must find some self respect, because somewhere along the line he's decided it's ok to treat you like this. You must ensure that he never crosses this line again.

Personally, pregnant or not, I think this would be a deal breaker.

Nanny0gg · 13/12/2016 16:38

Cary2012

^^ What they said.

Happybunny19 · 13/12/2016 17:05

Cary2012 has put it perfectly. Please don't let him cry crocodile tears and carry on as normal op or you're setting yourself up to be treated as second best. You deserve more Flowers

magoria · 13/12/2016 17:12

Come on love.

He hasn't been nice to you for months. The other night was just the cherry on top.

Of course he knows what he was doing.

The tears are to get you to STFU and let him carry on doing what he wants without making him feel bad.

If he cared he wouldn't have done this.

You deserve better than a man who is not nice to you for months, keeps your pending DC quite, agrees with an ex that kids are horrid, tells her his life is shit and is all over her in front of you.

He didn't even have the decency to wait until you had gone to bed before dry humping her on the couch. That is how much he respects and cares for you really.

CremeBrulee · 13/12/2016 18:23

Can you explain what you mean when you say that your DP has 'anger issues' OP? I think a lot of posters are concerned for you. You sound so young, alone and vulnerable.

I get that your DP is the centre of your world and you want this nasty incident not to have happened. But it has, and now that you have seen it, need to remember this side of your DPs personality. I suspect he likes you to be dependent upon him and I think you need to try and build a support network outside of his influence.

Stay safe OP.

PickAChew · 13/12/2016 18:48

The tears are the flip side of your P's emotional incontinence - the same traits that have him ranting and raving when you the world isn't subserviently bowing at his feet make it incredibly easy for him to start blubbing where he feels it will be more effective than exhibiting his "anger issues".

It's all purely designed to manipulate and keep you in you little box, where you don't cause him any problems. Nowhere in this man's behaviour is he thinking about you from a place of love and respect.

And now you are pregnant, you are incredibly vulnerable to him ramping it all up. This is just the start of it and if you fall for his display of "contrition" he will take that as permission to keep on pushing the boundaries of what you will accept from him.

Even if you do regard him as the love of your life, it's a unfortunate fact that he is also the love of his own life.

Yourarejokingme · 14/12/2016 00:24

does he always cry when you've had an agrument and you let it go. He knows this works. Change your goalposts on him and walk away from it all for space and to clear your head.

You don't need to be tied to this man and men and women sleep together regardless of status in or out of relationships. If she didnt fancy him she would off stop the flirting right away but she didn't.

Cricrichan · 14/12/2016 08:03

Bloody hell!! I can't believe what I'm reading. It'd be bad enough if he did it behind your back but right in front of you?? Amd what kind of woman cuddles up with someone else 's boyfriend and slags children off when the couple she's with have kids?

Honestly op, kick him out.

Dozer · 14/12/2016 08:12

So setting aside his terrible behaviour about and with this OW, he's emotionally abusive. Disrespectful, bullying and manipulative.

Do his "anger management problems" affect his work, friendships? Doubt it. He just bullies YOU!

caffelatte100 · 14/12/2016 09:01

OP, do you have parents you can go to or RL friends who would help you at this time?

I see it's really hard being pregnant, but how he is treating you is not ok as all the pp write.

Believe me, this guy will not get better, what an idiot! He doesn't even deserve a second chance.

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