His ex is on my sofa right now...

[MotherBearAndBabyBear]

Hey.
So... either I'm batshit crazy and my pregnancy hormones are everywhere or I'm right in feeling hurt by the ongoings of this evening.

My partners ex from uni is staying tonight and tomorrow on my sofa and I cant shake this bad feeling in my gut. They were never serious and she dumped him after a month or two, but they were in university together and lived in the same house for 3 years and he's told me he's always had feelings for her and wished things didn't end between them.
This is the first time ive met her and she's spent all evening saying how much she hates kids (Ive got an 11 month old and pregnant with second) and how she never wants them and called us crazy and stupid for having kids!
Then he sat there agreeing with her saying his life is shit at the moment and parenting sucks!! -this is news to me...
Cherry on top he didn't/wont tell her I'm pregnant and now i feel really awkward about like he doesn't want this baby...
He spent all evening ignoring me and flirting with her in front of me, he was nicer to her than he's been to me in months, i was in the room with them playing a game while they were cuddled up together on the sofa flirting giggling and watching a film without me...
Am i mad for allowing this?
I went to bed early and left them to it at 11pm last night hoping to send a message I'm not ok with this... and he got into bed at 2am. He's sleeping next to me right now and she's on the sofa and I'm just seething quietly in bed,

Am i mad or is this okay behaviour?

She sounds immature as who goes on about not liking kids to people with kids even if it is true. He sounds like he is trying to be cool like his non married single friends! I doubt anything happened between them but you need to lay down the law with him. He is your husband he should be on your side at all times.

If anyone has the right to have anger management problems at the moment it is you.

I hope you're ok this morning, OP? He sounds pretty awful, and your children and you deserve better treatment than he is dishing out.

Can you take Elspeth's advice and try and seek support today? You don't have to live like this anymore.

The flirting, cuddling and him agreeing parenting sucks is more than enough reason to call an end to the marriage.

Why would you tolerate such nonsense?

And no way would any Ex be staying in my house.

Hell no i would have been out of that door. Obviously has no respect for you or your children, sorry too say but i dont feel his feelings are really there anymore...

And by the way ... I'd make a point of telling her you're pregnant.

Have you ever considered he's having an affair with her and has told her you two don't have sex anymore? Why else would he want it kept quiet.

I've seen that happen several times. The OW flies into a rage when this happens, because she realised she was being fed a load of old cobblers.

Tell me how happy he'd be if you did the same with your Ex? This isn't a man who respects or cherishes you one bit, otherwise he wouldn't do what he's doing.

I'd be expressing how much you're looking forward to the pregnancy being over and having a lovely new baby in the family.

What a stupid bi**h she is, saying she doesn't like kids like that... in your home.

A sweet "Lucky your parents didn't feel like you do", should shake her up a bit.

I'm also livid on your behalf. If you live in the south west I will happily come and kick them both out for you. Sending you a massive hug love and I'm so sorry you live with a complete wanker. Don't worry about dignity in this case, they haven't, kick her out, preferably before she has a chance to shower and dress and then throw his shit out of the window for him to collect on his way out the door. Parenthood just got a lot shitter for him when all he can afford is living in a bedsit, paying out maintenance and having to look after his own kids in access visits. I doubt his precious ex will want to get back together and tolerate his pesky kids visiting.

I'm amazed you had to ask if your response was unreasonable. He's done a complete number on you and it's time to fight back.

It's definitely not ok behaviour. An old non-serious ex sleeping on the sofa might just about be ok with me, but I'd definitely feel a little odd about it and would expect my boyfriend to be making every effort to minimise the potential uncomfortableness. Definitely not snuggling up and flirting until 2am!

And if I were being really charitable, I'd suggest that maybe he knows she actually does want kids and feels sad about not having any yet, and that his comments were his way of trying not to rub your happiness in her face? But that's a huge stretch. (I'm not suggesting that all childless women are sad about it, by the way - I don't have kids myself - just trying to think of hypothetical scenarios in which such behaviour might be justified)

But to be honest, the ex feels like a red herring in all of this. You say he was nicer to her than he has been to you in months, and that he has anger issues. That's the real problem here. I'm sorry you're being treated so badly at what should be a happy time.

And to the poster a few posts up who said that all young men are angry...

OP I'm so sorry that you're in this situation . You need practical support and advice .

Can any posters help with phone numbers or where to seek support ?

MotherBear the best I can think is that you ask your GP/ante natal clinic/Health Visitor .

I'm re posting this from another poster on a previous page

"Hi OP, hope you don't mind but I recognised your name from another thread.

I know you have no family support and are only 20 so it is not that straightforward.

However I suspect that given your age, lack of family support, diagnosed health issues and situation with your little boy and pregnancy etc that you would get quite a bit of help if you asked for it.

You may even get housing. I'm not in the UK but could someone else let her know who to ring to find out her options?"

MotherBear strength and courage .No need to rush into anything ,take your time and seek support .

Disgusting shits. They both need to leave - he's blown it. Your feelings are completely justified.

keep us updated on this. he needs to be told X

I think you've made a terrible mistake in having a relationship and children with a man who behaves like this. Not least the anger issues.

Ask this girl to leave as soon as you can and have a discussion with your partner, but try to get some support because this won't end well.

OP I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You, your little boy and your baby deserve better.

Agree with PP about asking for help. Also, if it were me I'd be telling her I was pregnant (but I'm not a very nice person!).

for you

What an ass he is. Sounds like he's got no redeeming qualities.

Are you OK MotherBear?

I found this link which may help:

www.singleparents.org.uk/information/housing/support-for-homeless-single-parents

Obviously this would only apply if you wanted to move on from your current accommodation without him I.e. if you think he won't leave/his name on lease etc.

But it may interest you.

OP - you are not mad and this is not your hormones playing up or anything like that. You are feeling as hurt as you do because your partner is behaving in such a cruel manner. It is not ok for him to do this to you.

The silly woman on your sofa sounds as though she is stringing him along and he is falling for it hook, line and sinker. I would tell her you are pregnant but I would absolutely not give her the satisfaction of letting her see that you are upset. Don't let her have any more leverage than she already has. You just need her out of your home and then never let her back in again.

As for your useless specimen of a man, unless the light dawns pretty damn quick how cruel he has been (and I doubt that it will from how you have described things) then I would be looking into putting everything in place to getting out of that relationship as quickly as possible. You don't need such a dead weight in your life. He thinks his life is shit now? Let him see what it's like when he doesn't get to see his children whenever he wants, when he has to support 2 kids and his own home.

If he's finished uni and you are only 20 and already have DC1 and DC2 on the way, how old were you/he when you met?
Kick him to the bloody curb, OP. He's making a mug out of you. Those hours that they were alone together they could have been doing anything. They were unashamed enough to be cuddling and flirting in front of you. You deserve better.

I didn't realise you were so young. All the more reason to know that you can have a good life without him and have years ahead to meet a decent man who will treat you well.

He is not a nice person and is showing his true colours. The ex also has no boundaries. I'd be starting to make plans to get out of this relationship as soon as you can, nobody needs an arse like this in their life.

www.onlymums.org/find_local_support.html For info on local support

www.refuge.org.uk/what-we-do/our-services/outreach-services/
could give advice /support while you're still in family home ,call
0808 2000 247

Being in a relationship where you know the person does not love you, not only that he is I love wth someone else. That will eat you up. Your conscience will never be free to enjoy the relationship. It's worse than cheating. If someone cheats, the probability is they loved you at some point. your whole relationship is based on a lie. He has settled (not in settling down kind away) for you for whatever reason. His lover is out there and you are here providing him with a home life.
Bastard wanking cunt.

My god op my mouth was open reading this, why doesn't he want to tell her ur pregnant? That raises red flags to me...please please do something about this....WE ARE ALL BEHIND YOU!!!

Oh love, he's done a real job on you hasn't he? To make you doubt what's happening in front of your very eyes. To make you think that maybe you're just 'crazy.'

There are red flags waving all over your post. 'anger management issues' ... meaning he treats you horribly then blames it on anger management issues, yes we know. Please do NOT listen to the poster who said 'most young men are angry.' That is total bullshit. My DP is 23 and has never so much as raised his voice to me in three years. Neither did my previous lovely partner (16-20 for the duration of our relationship). This is nothing to do with him being a 'young man' and everything to do with him being an arsehole.

Listen to Elspeth.

I think he really wants to dump you but is too much of a pussy to do so. Do you have joint account - if so, get as much out there as you can.
I think perhaps you should give him what he wants and dump his sorry ass but make sure you have taken as much as possible for your DCs.

If this is how he treats you, think about how he'll treat the kids. Let her have this 'prize'.

Throw them both out. Don't listen to any excuses.

He told you a year ago how he felt about her?!?!?! Why did you let her into your home?

He has done a right number on you. They have probably been having at the very least an emotional affair if not physical.

Agree with other posters, make sure she knows your pregnant. He will have been telling her your not having sex ect ect.