Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

His ex is on my sofa right now...

192 replies

MotherBearAndBabyBear · 12/12/2016 05:40

Hey.
So... either I'm batshit crazy and my pregnancy hormones are everywhere or I'm right in feeling hurt by the ongoings of this evening.

My partners ex from uni is staying tonight and tomorrow on my sofa and I cant shake this bad feeling in my gut. They were never serious and she dumped him after a month or two, but they were in university together and lived in the same house for 3 years and he's told me he's always had feelings for her and wished things didn't end between them.
This is the first time ive met her and she's spent all evening saying how much she hates kids (Ive got an 11 month old and pregnant with second) and how she never wants them and called us crazy and stupid for having kids!
Then he sat there agreeing with her saying his life is shit at the moment and parenting sucks!! -this is news to me...
Cherry on top he didn't/wont tell her I'm pregnant and now i feel really awkward about like he doesn't want this baby...
He spent all evening ignoring me and flirting with her in front of me, he was nicer to her than he's been to me in months, i was in the room with them playing a game while they were cuddled up together on the sofa flirting giggling and watching a film without me...
Am i mad for allowing this?
I went to bed early and left them to it at 11pm last night hoping to send a message I'm not ok with this... and he got into bed at 2am. He's sleeping next to me right now and she's on the sofa and I'm just seething quietly in bed,

Am i mad or is this okay behaviour?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 12/12/2016 12:22

I didn't realise you were only 20 too. He sounds immature and clearly trying to impress this girl and hang onto his more carefree way of life. The fact he did it in front of you, and he cared more about what she thought than what you thought.

As said, for me she isn't the issue, he is. I would sit him down and discuss his behaviour and what it tells you about him. At best highly immature and a cheat / flight risk if he gets the opportunity , and at worst he is not ready or happy with these commitments he has made , to both you and the children and you need to both decide how to proceed if that's the case.

MySordidCakeSecret · 12/12/2016 12:23

Horrendous behaviour.

Huskylover1 · 12/12/2016 12:28

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?

Sorry, but Wow, just Wow. He has done a real number on you, hasn't he? Making you doubt yourself, whilst he openly flirts with her, in front of you. Also slags off his son.

I bet you are really young? My first H did stuff like this, and I always found it hard to speak up, for fear of looking silly. I'm older and wiser now, and in all honestly, if my now DH did anything like this (he wouldn't), I would lose my shit instantly.

You should have called them a cab and thrown them both out of the door.

What do you think they were doing between 11pm and 2am? Not playing scrabble, that's for sure.

PLEASE man up and stop being a door mat. I mean that nicely, btw. You really are being walked ALL over by this absolute twat. Uugh.

If you tolerate this, he will just get more and more daring.

I would check his phone and laptop too. I bet he is cheating.

CorkieD · 12/12/2016 12:45

MotherBearAndBabyBear

I'm so sorry to read what has happened and how your DP is treating you. I think you have got very good advice here. If this is the way he is treating you, you should tell him he needs to leave. Please use the contact details above, talk to your GP, get all the help you can.

Purplebluebird · 12/12/2016 14:41

Hope you're "okay" now, would he get angry? A bit worried..

PeteSwotatoes · 12/12/2016 16:21

OP, there is no excuse for this behaviour. He's a shit. I hope you're OK.

Hissy · 12/12/2016 16:30

I'd have brought her RIGHT up to speed the minute she slagged of my family in my home

If he had have even squeaked I'd have slung him on the end of my boot too.

That's no man. No man at all.

LuluJakey1 · 12/12/2016 17:52

How dare he treat you like this! What a bloody cheek! I am furious for you. I hope you have kicked him into touch. He has absolutely no right to do any of this or to think any of it is at all acceptable. I would get rid of him. You deserve 100x better.

user1471461752 · 12/12/2016 18:42

I hope your silence is because you've kicked him into touch. You def do deserve better.

ChishandFips33 · 12/12/2016 19:03

Thinking about you today Motherbear (and your Baby bears)

Hope things are ok and you get the result you're looking for

Itssosunny · 12/12/2016 19:10

What a c**t. Both of them. I would leave this lowlife. He doesn't have respect to you and to his children.
Poor you; I hope you are ok.

badabing36 · 12/12/2016 20:43

Hope you're ok op. Just want to repeat what everyone else has said; you deserve so much better than this.

he's told me he's always had feelings for her and wished things didn't end between them.

Then he sat there agreeing with her saying his life is shit at the moment and parenting sucks!!

Who says things like that? He's a disrespectful shit.

Either he wants to sleep with her or he wants to mess with your head and make you jealous. Either way, ywnbu to kick him out over this (if that's what you want). Your children should not have to listen to their father lamenting their existence as they get older, imagine how that will make them feel.

gingeroots · 12/12/2016 22:03

I'm reposting this phone nos and link because I think ,if you're on a phone ,it can be hard to scroll back .

www.onlymums.org/find_local_support.html For info on local support

www.refuge.org.uk/what-we-do/our-services/outreach-services/
could give advice /support while you're still in family home ,call
0808 2000 247

MotherBear - lots of people thinking of you ,not a one thinking you're bat shit crazy .But all of us wishing you strength and sending you hope that things improve .

mummyto2monkeys · 12/12/2016 23:08

MotherBear I just want to say I am thinking about you, I hope that you are OK and most importantly safe! I still can't believe how callous they have behaved, its almost like they wanted to rub your face in it......

Amelia91 · 13/12/2016 06:15

I really hope you freaking kicked her out. This is unbelievable. Tbh I'd also send him right after her. This is not love!!!!

onmybroomstick · 13/12/2016 06:53

Hope you're ok op

devilcakes · 13/12/2016 06:58

Hope your OK op. He sounds like a twat.

Original poster
MotherBearAndBabyBear · 13/12/2016 11:35

He has anger issues but he's not violent with it he just breaks down in tears and it makes me feel really awkward. She left yesterday around 4pm. I wasn't worried about them 'doing anything' because she doesn't fancy him and has her own boyfriend at the moment. It was just how obviously he still fancied her and spent all the time cuddled up to her and ignoring me. I was sat on one end of the corner sofa and instead of sitting with me he sat on the opposite side next to her and they were having a good catch-up which is fair enough but he was flirting with her in front of me and neither of them made an effort to keep me involved and talked over me whenever I spoke.
We had a long talk about it and he started crying and apologised for the way he was acting. But it took me half an hour to get him to admit to what he was doing...

OP posts:
Yoksha · 13/12/2016 11:43

MotherBear, re your update. He really has done a number on you. You & your children deserve better than this arsewipe

Muppetslikecoco · 13/12/2016 11:52

MotherBear, you deserve better. He's playing you and the more you accept the more he'll push the limits. Crying isn't a get out of jail free card.

shovetheholly · 13/12/2016 11:58

Motherbear - I believe that he is upset and sorry now. But that doesn't undo what you saw happening yesterday, which is that the moment she came along, he was willing to diss you and your family in her favour.

Do you really want to spend your whole life hoping that this woman stays attached to another man, and doing a living, breathing version of the Dolly Parton song, Jolene? It doesn't sound much fun. Don't you think you might be worth more than second-best?

Tenshidarkangel · 13/12/2016 11:59

Why would you want to be with someone who clearly fancies someone else?? Someone who flirts with them in your face?? And hides what is actually a joyful time (a new baby)?

Come on OP. You deserve better.

Mindtrope · 13/12/2016 12:01

OP don't allow someone to treat you like this.

WicksEnd · 13/12/2016 12:04

So he turned the taps on to gain sympathy after he'd thoroughly humiliated you.
Why are you settling for that?

SparklyMagpie · 13/12/2016 12:39

Just checking back in on this, OP I really hope you're ok Sad I can't imagine how you might be feeling and what happened in the end.

Hopefully it's a little comfort that all of us here are fully behind you and can assure you that this was bang out of order and most definitely NOT your hormones!

Just hoping you are OK and sending love Flowers

Swipe left for the next trending thread