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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

His ex is on my sofa right now...

192 replies

MotherBearAndBabyBear · 12/12/2016 05:40

Hey.
So... either I'm batshit crazy and my pregnancy hormones are everywhere or I'm right in feeling hurt by the ongoings of this evening.

My partners ex from uni is staying tonight and tomorrow on my sofa and I cant shake this bad feeling in my gut. They were never serious and she dumped him after a month or two, but they were in university together and lived in the same house for 3 years and he's told me he's always had feelings for her and wished things didn't end between them.
This is the first time ive met her and she's spent all evening saying how much she hates kids (Ive got an 11 month old and pregnant with second) and how she never wants them and called us crazy and stupid for having kids!
Then he sat there agreeing with her saying his life is shit at the moment and parenting sucks!! -this is news to me...
Cherry on top he didn't/wont tell her I'm pregnant and now i feel really awkward about like he doesn't want this baby...
He spent all evening ignoring me and flirting with her in front of me, he was nicer to her than he's been to me in months, i was in the room with them playing a game while they were cuddled up together on the sofa flirting giggling and watching a film without me...
Am i mad for allowing this?
I went to bed early and left them to it at 11pm last night hoping to send a message I'm not ok with this... and he got into bed at 2am. He's sleeping next to me right now and she's on the sofa and I'm just seething quietly in bed,

Am i mad or is this okay behaviour?

OP posts:
HaveNoSocks · 12/12/2016 07:46

AT first Thought she's just a uni friend and you're being silly but the rest of your post is outrageous. I would make him get rid of her.

viques · 12/12/2016 07:48

And tell her you are pregnant, and how he has said he would like at least another 2 but thinks owning up loving being a dad is not cool.

myoriginal3 · 12/12/2016 07:50

Yanbu.

P1nkP0ppy · 12/12/2016 07:51

To me it seems you're so scared of his reactions because he has 'anger management issues' (I.e. he's abusive) that you can't do what many posters are staying and kick the pair of them out.
His comments are so out of order I wouldn't want him anywhere near me, it's so offensive it's almost beyond belief.

Littleballerina · 12/12/2016 07:57

How did you not say anything last night?

Fidelia · 12/12/2016 07:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shakey15000 · 12/12/2016 08:00

I wouldn't give either of them the satisfaction of causing a scene/throwing them out. Be dignified, wait till she's gone then ask him what the hell is going on. I do think he's a twat and you don't deserve this, I just think an argument while she's there isn't the best way.

wishparry · 12/12/2016 08:02

Not a lot shocks me these days op-but reading this has absolutely disgusted me!
How are your finances etc?whose name is the house in?you really can't put up with this vile behaviour.
He doesn't deserve you!tell him to leave with his little floozy and never darken your doorway again!
if you can't stay in the house please call family and ask them to pick you up.
if this was my dsis,I wouldn't care how far away she was,id be straight in my car to pick her up.
let us know your ok op Flowers

SixthSenseless · 12/12/2016 08:02

The anger management issues put a different colour on my first response.

No need to cause a scene by chucking her out early, that will achieve nothing.

Is there ANY way he was going along with the anti kids thing as a joke, much like MNers often do in a kids ruin my life way whilst knowing that overall the opposite is true?

The cuddling up was way out of order.

You need to talk seriously with him and tell him what you saw, and ask if that is a true picture of how he feels.

But irrespective of how he feels, how OK do you feel about living with someone with anger issues? And sensitivity and empathy issues?

LostMyBaubles · 12/12/2016 08:03

If I saw my hubby say cuddled up to another woman I would probably be doing time 😑

That is not right

Sgtmajormummy · 12/12/2016 08:05

My reaction would be "Those days are gone. Face up to it, grow up or fuck off."
Once she'd been kicked out to the nearest Premier Inn.

lorelairoryemily · 12/12/2016 08:05

Oh my god! I'd be packing his things and let him off to fuck. Cuddling HER on your couch? In front of you??? Parenting sucks?? Relieve him of the role. Get rid of the prick, you, your little boy and that previous bundle you're expecting can do better, what a fucking waste of space he is. Big hugs for you and I'm so sorry for you

lorelairoryemily · 12/12/2016 08:09

Precious not previous!

SixthSenseless · 12/12/2016 08:12

You cannot live a life where you tiptoe around someone else. Not in your own home, with the person who should be supporting you. The person who should always have your back.

And that is not a good way for your kids to grow up either.

Have you felt this tiptoeing since you got married?

neonrainbow · 12/12/2016 08:13

If she offered him sex he'd be in there like a shot. You are not overreacting. What they did was not ok by any stretch of the imagination. Id kick him out. You're worth more than this dickhead especially as it sounds like he's abusive to you as well.

Bluntness100 · 12/12/2016 08:16

I have a different view, she's not your problem, he is. So no I wouldn't kick her out, I'd let her leave naturally.

But I'd wake him and tell him when she goes him and I would be discussing his behaviour last night, and that it was game over. And I'd go down stairs and tell her I was pregnant. Just to get the message to him. Because she's an irrelevance,

The guys a twat, basically trying to pull in front of you.

HOHOHOvariesBeforeBrovaries · 12/12/2016 08:16

Mr Tumble on loud and kick them both out. You and your babies deserve better Flowers

Bananabreadordead · 12/12/2016 08:17

There's hours of time when you were in bed and they were together downstairs. I don't think anything happened, but if she had offered him sex do you think he'd have refused? Pulled away?

If the answer to that question is no, you know what you need to do.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/12/2016 08:18

Op you know this man is no good for you, you have had problems in the past with him, this weekend has shown you how he feels about you and your kids. REally you cannot have someone in your life like that. Your flogging a dead horse. I would contact Woman's Aid, he sounds abusive and look into your financial situation and what benefits you are entitled to without him. I would kick him out, and I would tell her that she is to be gone in an hour for example.

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 12/12/2016 08:18

If that was my DH, him and get would be finding somewhere else too sleep that night. Just because you have a child and pregnant doesn't mean you have to put up with his bullshit. He's basically testing you right now to see what he can get away with. And in my opinion he's took the piss majorly.

MayhemandMadness01 · 12/12/2016 08:21

Hope you are ok op, can you drop your DS off with a friend? He doesn't need to hear anything as chances are she may kick off when you chuck her out

SparklyMagpie · 12/12/2016 08:21

NO WAY!! Would I put up with this

First thing I'd be doing is going downstairs and if she wakes saying " morning sickness is a bitch this morning"

How she hasn't been told you're expecting, I just can't get over

Do not put up with this, my husband would be out on his arse along with her!

Somersetlady · 12/12/2016 08:23

This:

Today 08:05 lorelairoryemily

Oh my god! I'd be packing his things and let him off to fuck. Cuddling HER on your couch? In front of you??? Parenting sucks?? Relieve him of the role. Get rid of the prick, you, your little boy and that previous bundle you're expecting can do better, what a fucking waste of space he is. Big hugs for you and I'm so sorry for you

Lunalovepud · 12/12/2016 08:24

Motherbear there are red flags all over your post and replies - I think you already know that already.

You need to think of your child and your new baby and get away from this man before things get worse. He is showing you exactly how much he loves and respects you - believe him and get out of this situation as soon as you can before he grands down your self esteem and you believe that you are not worth anything better than this shitty treatment - seems like he has started on this EA behaviour already.

It is difficult without knowing your home situation and whether you rent / mortgage, who has their name on the documents etc but if you can't kick him out, get your stuff and your kids stuff together and get out of there - even if it means going home to your parents.

I am so sorry this is happening to you when you are expecting another baby with this man - I understand that it just makes things harder, but you will never get what you need and deserve from this man.

smashyourglasses · 12/12/2016 08:25

You don't know what went on when you went upstairs. They were brazen enough to be cuddling in front of you. Please say you've already thrown her out?

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