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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

His ex is on my sofa right now...

192 replies

MotherBearAndBabyBear · 12/12/2016 05:40

Hey.
So... either I'm batshit crazy and my pregnancy hormones are everywhere or I'm right in feeling hurt by the ongoings of this evening.

My partners ex from uni is staying tonight and tomorrow on my sofa and I cant shake this bad feeling in my gut. They were never serious and she dumped him after a month or two, but they were in university together and lived in the same house for 3 years and he's told me he's always had feelings for her and wished things didn't end between them.
This is the first time ive met her and she's spent all evening saying how much she hates kids (Ive got an 11 month old and pregnant with second) and how she never wants them and called us crazy and stupid for having kids!
Then he sat there agreeing with her saying his life is shit at the moment and parenting sucks!! -this is news to me...
Cherry on top he didn't/wont tell her I'm pregnant and now i feel really awkward about like he doesn't want this baby...
He spent all evening ignoring me and flirting with her in front of me, he was nicer to her than he's been to me in months, i was in the room with them playing a game while they were cuddled up together on the sofa flirting giggling and watching a film without me...
Am i mad for allowing this?
I went to bed early and left them to it at 11pm last night hoping to send a message I'm not ok with this... and he got into bed at 2am. He's sleeping next to me right now and she's on the sofa and I'm just seething quietly in bed,

Am i mad or is this okay behaviour?

OP posts:
DameDeDoubtance · 12/12/2016 06:38

He dismisses your emotions by telling you that you over react, what a dick.

I would ask him to make arrangements to sleep elsewhere tonight, you need time to think. He has treated you and your family appallingly.

whattodowiththepoo · 12/12/2016 06:44

Are you sure they are behaving like this? I don't know who would think snuggling on the sofa flirting is ok let alone in front of your partner.

MrsBertBibby · 12/12/2016 06:44

Baby will be up now. Hope CBeebies as as annoying as I recall at this hour.

LucyFuckingPevensie · 12/12/2016 06:44

He has behaved horribly.
What do you want to do op?
I think this would be a big deal for me, this and the worrying about how he will react.

Only1scoop · 12/12/2016 06:45

I'd never want to be in either of their company ever again.

He's gutted they aren't still together, and has treated you appallingly.

greenfolder · 12/12/2016 06:55

Please read your own posts.
Don't you deserve better?

girlwiththeflaxenhair · 12/12/2016 07:16

fucken hell.

he's told me he's always had feelings for her and wished things didn't end between them.

He basically told you he pines for this women, slags off your family HIS family when she's here and I guess expects that you will have no problem letting her crash. Another one telling you you are not being unreasonable at all and infact have shown great restraint. Tell him to sleep on the feckin sofa.

Doublemint · 12/12/2016 07:21

YANBU kick her out!!! And he has got a LOT to answer for.

DameDeDoubtance · 12/12/2016 07:22

Are you sure they are behaving like this?

Whattodo = I don't doubt for a minute that this is the defence her partner will take.

HardLightHologram · 12/12/2016 07:23

I can't picture any circumstances where this would be in any way acceptable behaviour.

He sounds awful.

Fidelia · 12/12/2016 07:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/12/2016 07:28

My goodness, what a mess. She should be kicked out now with him. What an arsehole. She needs to go now! And you need a serious talk with him.

HardLightHologram · 12/12/2016 07:29

What's your housing situation? Do you work? Does he?

I'm guessing that this is just the tip of the iceberg, he isn't nice to you and has anger issues, and you haven't immediately confronted him about flirting and cuddling up in front of you. I'm going to assume he's abusive. It's also a bit of a red flag that you are pregnant so soon after having a baby, was it planned? Who's idea was it if so?

Aeroflotgirl · 12/12/2016 07:29

Put Mr Tumble on loud. I can't see myself ever allowing a situation like this.

frumpet · 12/12/2016 07:30

What on earth would possess either of them to think this behaviour was OK ? How old are they OP ?

magoria · 12/12/2016 07:33

I would ask her to take the nasty selfish prick with her.

Tell her she is welcome to a man with anger issues who is happy to dis his family life, say it is shit and flirt in front of his partner so much.

Good luck to her when he does it to her but it won't be your problem any more.

You deserve better. Being alone and happy with your two lovely DC would be better than this!

Patienceisvirtuous · 12/12/2016 07:33

What an awful situation. Tell her to get out of your home.

I don't even know how you begin to tackle such levels of disrespect from your dp. I don't think I could be with him after that.

shovetheholly · 12/12/2016 07:33

Kicking her out is going to make a huge scene, and give her the satisfaction of knowing her behaviour has upset you (which is precisely what she intended). I'd behave as normally as possible in the morning, but make it clear that you have a busy day ahead and that you need her out early on after breakfast.

None of this is about her. She is incidental, almost an irrelevance. It's about you and your DH. He is the one who is choosing to behave disgracefully, he is the one prioritising her over you.

Once she's out of the way, I would leave. You don't need to have it out with your DH after what has happened here. You already know everything you need to know. He doesn't love you, and he doesn't like being a parent to your children.

UptheAnty · 12/12/2016 07:37

You're checking in for a lifetime of this treatment if you allow this to slide op Sad

Please realize that you and your D.C. Deserve so much more.

I would be clattering around to wake her up. I'd ask her to leave politely and calmly.
I would tell her that you are in shock at how they both behaved last night and that is the only reason she's still in your home.

Stay calm & factual give her 15 minutes and offer to call a taxi.

What are you going to do about your dh?

mummyto2monkeys · 12/12/2016 07:37

I'm sorry op but you need to throw her out now! Go downstairs and tell her to leave, what an utter cow she is to treat you that way! I'm going to say something that hasnt been said yet, you left them alone for three hours, I am sort but he has obviously been shagging her. He acts like an excited schoolboy asking if she can stay and then spends the evening snuggling her on the to couch! You should have sat yourself inbetween them on the sofa, then stayed up until you all went to bed. He didn't want you to tell her you were pregnant because that ruins the image of the shitty relationship he has said you have! They planned this between them and have both treated you horrendously! Kick the bitcvh out now and tell her not to bother coming back! Then when she tells you she spent the night having sex with your dp chuck him out too.

ofudginghell · 12/12/2016 07:39

Plop your 11 month old on the sofa in the next five minutes and ask her politely to watch her while you zip to the kitchen for ages rattling around. Put the tv on kids channels as loud as you can get away with Smile
Once she's gone which won't be long after that you can then calmly tell him that he needs to really think about what he wants as his comments were unbelievable and cruel and you will wait for his apology or he can go join the child free unfriendly ex and stick it up his ass.
Walk away before he gets a chance to turn it on you or defend himself (no defence possible me thinks)and let him stew in it.
When he's ready to talk calmly make him responsible for his behaviour by apologising for hurting you and don't talk about it with him until he does that.
When he acknowledges how he's made you feel then you can get to the bottom of it.

Goingtobeawesome · 12/12/2016 07:39

What a bitch she is and a twat he is.

You're not over reacting. See their behaviour as a Christmas present to yourself. You've seen how he doesn't respect you or love his children so you can get him out before you're even more reliant on him.

You can do this. Parenting is hard so anything else is a piece of cake. Tell yourself this. You've got strength and you'll get all the help and support you need to make this totally necessary break.

And anger management issues is just wanker speak for he has a tantrum when he can't get his own way. Being with an overgrown toddler is not attractive.

frumpet · 12/12/2016 07:40

I also cannot imagine a scenario where I wouldn't be 'allowed' to tell someone who was staying in my house that I was pregnant , possibly if they had fertility issues and had very recently suffered a pregnancy loss , but that's about it I think ?
If DH had asked me not to tell someone staying in our house , someone he professed to still have feelings for , I would have to wonder why that is ?
Perhaps he could convince other woman that it isn't so bad to leave an 11month old , but I think he would be hard pushed to keep the argument going with an 11 month old and a pregnant wife , especially if he has told lies along the line of , you don't have sex anymore ? You clearly don't look pregnant yet do you OP .

Thattimeofyearagain · 12/12/2016 07:41

Tell them both to go. Sounds like he's got one foot out the door anyway......

RebootYourEngine · 12/12/2016 07:45

I would be kicking the cunt and his ex out right now. If he is so in love with her she can take him with her when she leaves.

You need to stand up for yourself and your children. He sounds abusive.