My partner spent all our savings

[user1481292639]

My fiancé is terrible with money. He had debts when I met him which he paid off a few years ago when he received some inheritance and I thought that would be the end of it. The rest of the inheritance bought a few luxury items, new car, some of it squandered but hey, it was his money, I couldn't really begrudge a bit of guilt free spending. We agreed to put £10,000 of it into savings to start our mortgage deposit fund. However, a few weeks ago he admitted to me that he has now spent most of the mortgage savings. He couldn't even tell me what on, it's just been pissed up the wall over the last 6 months. I've put my sensible head on and taken control of the finances now as he cannot be trusted. He's agreed that's fine as he has a problem. But I'm still so angry about it!! I'm not working at the moment (I'm at home with baby) so we have no spare money to even begin to make those savings back up. So it will be up to me to save that money myself when I return to work. Which I guess is fine, it will be my house too, I should chip in. But I'm the one now having to bail him out. I've been scrimping and saving my £40 a week housekeeping for our honeymoon fund and had to use it to pay off a payday loan he had outstanding. How would you feel about being in this situation? Would it be make or break? I love him and can't fault him as a father or partner (bar the money issues!!) so have no intention of leaving him. But anyway, what are you opinions? Sorry for long post.

Of course it's your fault. In fact I am surprised it's taken him this long to get around to blaming you for it. It has to be your fault you see, because if he doesn't blame you then who is left apart from him to take responsibility? And he is certainly not going to blame himself is he?

So, it's your fault he had to spend the money because you weren't working. Then it will be your fault for getting pregnant, then your fault again for somehow enticing him into agreeing to have a family with you and have unprotected sex leading to babies. It's your fault that he agreed to a budget because you had 9 months of pregnancy to plan for not being at work - not enough notice, clearly. It's your fault that you aren't working anymore because he needs to keep spending money on pointless shit that is completely unnecessary.

Surely you can see how utterly ridiculous this is? Wake up and walk out. If you're alone then you might find that your tax credit situation would be better because it's solely on your wage. In your shoes I would move closer to your parents because they may be able to help with pickups and it would be nice for you to have some support.

You're clearly organised and proactive, so in the nicest possible way - stop wasting your time trying to 'save' this bloke. Channel that energy into improving yours and your DCs lives; the quickest way you can do that is to not be involved with a man that would spend any penny that's not nailed down.

And if you're still hesitating then answer this question: Would you feel comfortable putting money aside into savings accounts for your DC and trusting him not to spend the money? Think about this very honestly. If he had the ability to access that money, would you feel completely comfortable that it would be safe, without you having to constantly check that it was there? How would you feel if the eldest DC reached age 18 and went to the account to find that it was empty because 'Dad' had spent it all?

What's good about returning to work - even if you break even which by the way if he pays 1/2 the childcare costs you will save 125 a week and things will be better when your youngest starts nursery - is that if you really do want to stay with him you can- you just keep your finances separate and don't be responsible for his money. If you do stay with him and remain a sahm you are putting your entire financial future in the hands of someone who is very bad with money - you are good with money.

Have a look at this op.

Run your potential earnings, childcare costs, etc through entitledto.co.uk as a single parent.
That should give you a reasonable idea of what you might get.

Add in 20% of his salary via Child Maintenance Service.

Here's the thing. It doesn't sound as if he is going to change. So your choices are to stay at home and when your life implodes have zero income of your own and be truly up shit creek without a pair of roller skates. He will be in the catbird seat because he is the sole wage earner. OR return to work now even though your wages go mostly for childcare to guarantee that when things go tits up you aren't at his mercy. In fact, you may well be earning enough by the time you get fed up with him that you'll be able to kick him out and survive on your earnings and child maintenance. At the very least you will have continue to build your CV so that you have options for better jobs or moving to another location and finding a job.

DH and I have been married close to 30 years and raised two DC. At no time was I ever financially dependent on him. Never. We had one 'near miss' when we'd been married about 10 years and I can't tell you how valuable it was to me to know that I had the freedom to walk out and important it was to me for him to realize the same thing. The fact that I could say "We go to counseling or we are through" with him knowing that I had the power to support myself and the DC was what gave him the huge wake up call and saved our marriage.

Think about it.

You will both get childcare vouchers www.gov.uk/help-with-childcare-costs/childcare-vouchers. In essence you receive a tax break on the vouchers.

i can't work out his working hours (normally night shift is 10pm until 6am) but maybe he works several long days. However there must be a work around. Ie he works the unpopular weekend nights Thursday to Tuesday to minimise childcare or he starts and leaves 30 mins earlier (flexible working request) to cover school run or he collects at 3.30 giving 7 hours sleep (hey I'm breastfeeding baby twins and work FT I'd love 7 hours uninterrupted sleep).

I'm sorry but he's not a great dad. I know Ive mentioned it before but why does he think he deserves £50 a week. Why is he alone worth more than the 3 of you put together? It makes no sense. Children's needs come first then split 50/50. Unless a new suit for work etc.

I'm angry for you op. My friend was in a very similar situation. She is now bankrupt. He would 'treat' her to little gifts (she had limited access to money) but it's ok because hubby would treat her... One of my biggest worries in life is one of my girls will get involved with such a waster. Not being able to open windows in summer incase a bailiff finds there way in. Or when a loan shark bricks your window at 3am (eventually when both your credits are screwed and your family and friends wise up a loan shark maybe the only option).

Credit file - ok so you would need to check experian, equifax and call credit (either noddle or clear score is call credit). However they only show debt at the addresses he enters on application. So if he has debt at Mums house and it's not entered as an address you cannot see it (but lenders can). So you can never be totally sure they are accurate. You have to obtain all three as they don't show all data - some lenders log with experian others with equifax. My current account (which I've had many moons) doesn't show on two of them!

But it's not your problem to solve. He has to realise there is a problem and solve it.

Now he is blaming you for being a sahm, he is deflecting onto you. I'm sure he discussed with you how he'd have to spend all 27k in 6 months because you aren't earning 18k gross...

Amazes me the number of people who "find out" that they are pregnant. Surely you are either actively trying for a baby or you are not

Nobody is this thick, right?

OP, run.

In I'm really not understanding why you're making the work/ childcare issue so complicated. There's all sorts of option. When I worked night's I'd get home at 7 30, DH would leave for work, I'd do breakfast and school run, sleep 9-3 (occasionally 9-5 and utilise after school clubs/friends help) then snooze for an hour in the evening if nec. Plus there's flexible working which you'd both be entitled to apply for.

The bottom line is it seems you are a single mum in every way. He sounds selfish and unsupportable but I must say im finding the way you enable and facilitate his behaviour almost as annoying.

The pair of you need to realise youre a team and take a hard look at your life and put a bit of structure into it if you stand any chance of any future stability and happiness.

Haven't read all of the thread but I suspect he could be a gambler. Having been married to one who destroyed our life through his gambling I highly recommend you leave and I do not say that lightly.

You will never trust him and every day will be a struggle for him not to gamble no matter how much support he gets. It's a horrible addiction.

Excellent post from PaulDacresConscience

He can do the school runs and sleep in between

He also can pay half of childcare costs - they are his responsibility as well as yours

"he keeps blaming me now, that it's my fault he had to spend it because I'm not working"

• So he "had" to spend the money - what does he have to show for it that he "had" to buy? A new kidney? No?

• You weren't earning enough to sustain his spending at this level when you were both working.

• As a father and partner, if he feels things aren't working financially, he should discuss things with you.

He's not taking responsibility for his actions and he's trying to wriggle out of things like a child would, "you started it", "look what you made me do!". You have two actual children to look out for - he is not looking out for their interests, clearly. And it appears to be emerging that he resents you (and the family) underneath it all for essentially cramping his lifestyle.

This is your life it always will be this way while he happy to lie to you. Have you noticed you're doing all the work ? he's an addict. Gambling drugs porn what have you he won't reach rock bottom with you continuing to bail him out

He needs to grow up

Going against the grain. I think it's fine to earn when you get a free childcare place. I understand wanting to be with your kids when they are little. But do aim to get on your feet asap.

'And he keeps blaming me now, that it's my fault he had to spend it because I'm not working. But I'm not working cos I'm home raising OUR child.'

You're still not getting it. You are an unmarried partner. You have no rights at all. This idea that you 'can't' work until your child is at school is a total house of cards based on living with a man who will trash your credit. You marry him and you will fuck yourself financially even worse.

You have to realise that you need to go to work and get away from this dickhead.

My exh is like yours OP. I didn't find out about the full extent of his debts until we lived together. The crazy thing was that the more money he earned, the more debt he got himself into. Like you I took control of the finances, we paid off the debts and while we were married it was all good because I was in control. He was so envious of people with 'better' than him and was materistic, which caused many rows because I wouldn't waste money.

When we split up there was savings and walked away with money in his pocket. Before the divorce was finalised he also got an inheritance, which I didn't make any claim on because it was for him. Just like your DH He blew the lot in around 10 months, just fritted away with nothing to show for it, but he got more loans! I don't know what was in his head, maybe having tens of thousands of pounds in his bank made him feel wealthy, so decided he should have toys like a brand new motorbikes which he got on finance. When I got wind of spiraling debts and all the inheritance had gone, I panicked because his name was still on the mortgage and I feared I would lose my home if creditors wanted to get his share. He did me the big favour because I bought him out and now own it on my own.

So now he has more than a double what his inheritance was. Did he learn? Of course he didn't!! He did exactly the same again and in under two years the lot had gone but he'd got more debts. His landlord had to take him to court for not paying his rent, numerous payday loans, borrowing money off DCs (before they worked it was birthday/ Christmas money) He used and was entitled to a food bank. I insited my DCs bought him food shopping rather than give him money. He laid so much emotional guilt on them. He refused to get rid of the motor bike, he started smoking and owned a car, on finance of course.

He's always worked, he is a hard worker and has earned a good salary but has nothing to show for it. He is so bitter and angry with me because I own my house and has said to DCs and anyone who will listen that he was done over by me with the house. He never paid me any maintenance after the first year, never bought the dcs anything.

So today 9 years later, he's got a good job, I don't know how he's financed it but he drives a sports car. The week before my ds's birthday last month, I found out he'd bought another motorbike (the last was finally repossessed) he'd borrowed money from my ds and for his birthday he gave him the grand total of £20 😤

OP, he'll never change, he'll never learn and you will spend your life, working and scrimping just to pay off his debts.

It's perfectly understandable to want to do it nicefalafels, but there are some women for whom the execution of their desire to be a SAHP is a bad idea. OP is one of those women.

OMG forumdonkey - what a nightmare! Please read this and take it on board op before you find yourself in the same situation.

I hope to God the Op is reading this. Very, very hard, life changing advice, but the best she will ever be given.

Spend the next few weeks working out your exit plan.

Pauldacres post at 2130 is spot on.

He's got a bloody nerve blaming you!

You didn't lie, deceive, effectively steal from your own family, you don't rate yourself 4 x more worthy than your own children, you don't prioritise spending on fun over essentials, you don't expect to be bailed out for failing to be a responsible adult!

Enough! Get rid of this millstone Asap

" I'm sure he discussed with you how he'd have to spend all 27k in 6 months because you aren't earning 18k gross..." Excellent point his maths doesn't add up (did it ever?)

I think it's been established he's not a gambler (except with his children's future). But spending/buying addiction is apparently a thing (just learnt that myself googling for this thread). And as with any addiction until the addict admits it's a problem it's not going to change and this guy is nowhere near that point, it's also true many addicts don't do this till they hit rock bottom, some don't need to do that, some even at rock bottom won't admit there's a problem.

Op ultimately you have I feel and I think a number of pps would agree, the most responsibility to protect the children rather than protecting/supporting a grown man who needs to face his own issues.

Going against the grain. I think it's fine to earn when you get a free childcare place. I understand wanting to be with your kids when they are little. But do aim to get on your feet asap.

I also understand wanting to be with your kids when they are little but not at the expense of being destitute yourself.

We both worked and we were creative around working hours- including my other half doing compressed hours and me doing flexible hours - we actually managed to look after our children ourselves for 6 days a week. We didn't save any money before they went to school because we choose to have paid domestic help so that when we were not exhausted.

It wasn't easy and there were lots of work negotiations but the OP can find a way if she wants. She is unmarried so if they split up and she remains a sahm with a partner who has no ability to manage money, she and her children will be destitute. I'm not being alarmist - she has no legal or financial protection. Also, everyone makes sacrifices and if she makes the sacrifice now of not seeing her youngest child for as much as she'd like, the upside is she will be able to secure their future.

Unless you've seen his bank statements and all his emails I don't think we've established he's not a gambler?!

£27k in 6 months - an average of £150 A DAY? Your house would be full to the brim of stuff if that's just amazon, eBay and corner shop buys!

He spent £10,000 over around 6/7 months. Not the full £27,000 inheritance. He used most of that over the course of a couple of years on a few large purchases and to settle debts he accumulated in his 20s. The £10,000 was supposed to be set aside for a mortgage and was the only say I had in how any of his inheritance was managed.

Are you OK? It might take months for all of this to sink in. Just mind yourself and go with your gut instincts.