My partner spent all our savings

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My fiancé is terrible with money. He had debts when I met him which he paid off a few years ago when he received some inheritance and I thought that would be the end of it. The rest of the inheritance bought a few luxury items, new car, some of it squandered but hey, it was his money, I couldn't really begrudge a bit of guilt free spending. We agreed to put £10,000 of it into savings to start our mortgage deposit fund. However, a few weeks ago he admitted to me that he has now spent most of the mortgage savings. He couldn't even tell me what on, it's just been pissed up the wall over the last 6 months. I've put my sensible head on and taken control of the finances now as he cannot be trusted. He's agreed that's fine as he has a problem. But I'm still so angry about it!! I'm not working at the moment (I'm at home with baby) so we have no spare money to even begin to make those savings back up. So it will be up to me to save that money myself when I return to work. Which I guess is fine, it will be my house too, I should chip in. But I'm the one now having to bail him out. I've been scrimping and saving my £40 a week housekeeping for our honeymoon fund and had to use it to pay off a payday loan he had outstanding. How would you feel about being in this situation? Would it be make or break? I love him and can't fault him as a father or partner (bar the money issues!!) so have no intention of leaving him. But anyway, what are you opinions? Sorry for long post.

You can still bring up your child and work. I assure you with a narcissistic partner like yours if you don't start working, unless your family or friends can financially support you, you will literally be destitute

As you're not married, you and your child would be destitute-you are in a very vulnerable position- you are an adult dependent who has a partner with no savings and because you are not married you will get exactly ZERO OF his salary -p's plus do not take this as a reason to marry this man!

And he keeps blaming me now, that it's my fault he had to spend it because I'm not working

Classic.

As I've explained before (it is a long post so most of you probably missed it), we arnt entitled to any tax credits so almost all my wages would go on childcare if I went back to work now. Plus I would have to put my 7 year old in morning and afternoon school clubs as my OH works nights and is asleep during school run times. It's shitty. I would have gone straight back to work otherwise

Tell him to bring his bank statements and point out selfish spending. Ask him to point out his spends on the family. If he points to the 80 shoping blow out, ask him to get the receipt and ask him to point out what was essential - leaving just his frivolous chaotic spending.

As a single parents you would get financial support via Tax Credits and maintenance and complete financial control without him pissing it up the wall...

And again I ask: why would all YOUR wages go on childcare, when they are his kids too and he will be earning more than you (presumably)?

Why aren't HIS wages expected to go on childcare, proportionate to what he earns vs proportionate to what you earn?

Because his wages only just cover the bills with me not working. He has no spare money for childcare so it would benefit neither of us financially if I went back to work.

yes, if you are bothe working the childcare costs are shared

"As I've explained before (it is a long post so most of you probably missed it), we arnt entitled to any tax credits so almost all my wages would go on childcare if I went back to work now. Plus I would have to put my 7 year old in morning and afternoon school clubs as my OH works nights and is asleep during school run times. It's shitty. I would have gone straight back to work otherwise".

And others have explained that you should only be paying for half of your daughter's childcare. She has a father who should also be contributing. This idea that childcare costs come out of the mother's salary only is as wrong-headed as his spending. You are both blinkered.

And if he works nights, then he can come home, take over from you as you fly out the door, and then take the kids to childcare/school and then go to bed.

I suspect that there are hundreds of thousands of parents in this country who do just that. And they manage. Because they have to.

In your current situation it may not benefit either of you financially but if you split up having not worked for 3 years , you not working now will affect your entire future

He comes home at 8 in the morning when I would have already left for work so my eldest would have to be in breakfast club each day. And come pick up time he would be asleep

sorry, I know I'm going a bit bananas here OP but I think it's cos you don't seem to realise that you simply have to work The way the law see your situation at the moment unfortunately is that you are an adult dependent on a STRANGER. who has no savings and is in debt and who is not able to save money from his salary. can I ask what field you are in and the wage bracket but understand if that's too personal

Listen, both your parents and his parents seem to be the indulgent types (understatement).

Between them, can the four of them not offer any sort of childcare for you? What about his spendy sisters? Even if each of the grandparents could commit to one day per week of childcare for a year then that would help massively.

You seem to have a block on this. There are loads of solutions - you just don't seem to want to consider them.

I work in payroll and was on £18,000 before I went on Mat leave.

Both his parents still work full time and my parents live 40 miles away and also work. If we had any other options trust me I would have taken them. I hate not working and I know the longer I go not working, the harder it will be to get back into employment again

I'm guessing you're in your late 20s and I was on only slightly more that that in my late 20s and now in my mid 40s, I'm on lots more and I would think there is managerial career progression in your field so you will earn more and more in the future. there will be more knowlegeable people than me about tax credits on that salary if you do decided to leave him

If he is coming in from nights in the morning, he can stay up an extra hour and help the school run. Some days anyway.
He is sleeping the rest of the day! I am not just critisizing him, loads of friends and family do shift work, they dont just take off to bed all day, they help out THEN go to bed. Then get up and help again after they slept . mothers and fathers. Its being part of a family. Talk to other families of shift workers. Please talk to someone.
I really hope you have some decent support around you.

...and his sister don't live near us so they can't look after our dd either. Even with a childminder, being the cheaper option, in my area they charge £5 per hour. I was getting £300 a week in my last job. I would be spending £250 a week for my youngest alone (the 8 hours I'm at work plus an hour before work to cover commute and an hour after work to cover getting home). Then if I factor in morning and after school clubs for eldest that's most of my wages. Would you work full time for like a pound a day?

What about other types of jobs?
School hours
Closer to home
Evenings
Weekends

You don't have to go back to full time straight away

Yes! For your Cv, your future and decision making power over your your life. It won't be forever only for the next 18 months and then your outgoings will drop considerably. I may be projecting because my friend cannot sleep at night because she is currently unemployable after being a sahm and divorced

Lots of parents break even with child care for a couple of years, it's very much worth it to keep a cv upto date, have an income should anything go wrong, a pension and the chance of promotion, pay rises etc.

There's no reason he couldn't do the school run in the afternoon and collection from the childminders.

There are lots of ways to work if you really wanted too.

You wouldn't be working for £1 per day if your DP took responsibility for his own children.

He could sleep from 8am until 4pm and pick up his kids from after-school club and childminder at 4.30. That gives him 8 hours sleep. That would save childcare fees. I know a couple of parents who sleep from 8am until 2.30pm and then go and pick up kids. They do it because they have no other option.

Or he could take the older child to school at 9 and then drop off the baby afterwards. And then sleep for the whole rest of the day. That gives him any amount of sleep he wants. That would save childcare fees.

he keeps blaming me now, that it's my fault he had to spend it because I'm not working

He already resents you putting the brakes on his spending. His guilt about it didn't last long, did it?

You do need to start planning for your future though. Yes there will be obstacles but they can be overcome.
You have said you can't marry him. Are you intending to split completely?

If so you could move closer to family or to a cheaper area. You could look at work from home or evening work.

But the first thing is to close the joint account