My partner spent all our savings

[user1481292639]

My fiancé is terrible with money. He had debts when I met him which he paid off a few years ago when he received some inheritance and I thought that would be the end of it. The rest of the inheritance bought a few luxury items, new car, some of it squandered but hey, it was his money, I couldn't really begrudge a bit of guilt free spending. We agreed to put £10,000 of it into savings to start our mortgage deposit fund. However, a few weeks ago he admitted to me that he has now spent most of the mortgage savings. He couldn't even tell me what on, it's just been pissed up the wall over the last 6 months. I've put my sensible head on and taken control of the finances now as he cannot be trusted. He's agreed that's fine as he has a problem. But I'm still so angry about it!! I'm not working at the moment (I'm at home with baby) so we have no spare money to even begin to make those savings back up. So it will be up to me to save that money myself when I return to work. Which I guess is fine, it will be my house too, I should chip in. But I'm the one now having to bail him out. I've been scrimping and saving my £40 a week housekeeping for our honeymoon fund and had to use it to pay off a payday loan he had outstanding. How would you feel about being in this situation? Would it be make or break? I love him and can't fault him as a father or partner (bar the money issues!!) so have no intention of leaving him. But anyway, what are you opinions? Sorry for long post.

I just asked dh what he'd do with £27k inheritance.

He would: set aside £1000 for us to spend - nice dinner out, trip away, clothes etc.

The remainder would be plonked in the bank.

We make sure we have 3 months salary saved at all times. In case.

Has he explained why he gets £50 a week and you and the children get £40 to share? Why is he the most important member of your family? If roles were reversed and he was a sahd would you expect him to share £40 between 3?

This alone would be a deal breaker for me.

Would your DP be prepared to get a second job to pay back all the money he squandered?

I think you would be absolutely mad to go ahead with the wedding under these circumstances, better still would be for you to end the relationship for the sake of your future security.

The 2 things I wouldn't be able to forgive in this situation

Being willing to see CHILDREN going without due to his fuck up!

The lying/deception - that's a long time he's been lying and a big fat serious lie too!

I've seen too many kids embarrassed, ashamed and scared through lack of money as parent/s have taken no responsibility. It's a horrible thing to do to kids to have them go without and not be able to do/have they need. £40 a week for the 3 of you (I'm thinking I've read right there's you and 2 Dc?) but HE gets £50? He's 4 x more worthy than any ONE of you? I don't bloody think so!

As for a jag and 3 bikes I'm sorry but wtf was the thinking there?! Not only would the jag have been a huge initial outlay how the hell much did it cost to run?!

This is insanity!

I'd be

Separating
He has 6 months (stuff a year!) to prove he can behave like an adult, get counselling to address why he's like this and change the behaviour and prove he can be solvent month to month.

No pay day or other debt, no lies, no waffle he just gets on with it.

Though honestly I don't think he will change - because if you don't bail him out his parents will, so there's no consequences for him, no motivation to change.

He doesn't care about you and dc as much as himself, he values himself as 4 x better!

Childcare rules are in the process of changing OP, but haven't yet. Whether you'll actually be able to access 30 free hours will depend a lot on which are of the country you're in. There are a few local authorities that provide free school nursery places the same hours as school for the preschool year, ie the academic year the baby turns 4. Unfortunately, early indications seem to be that private providers are going to find it hard to offer the 30 hours because the government won't pay enough. So if you're not in an area where you could get a school nursery place, I wouldn't hold your breath.

I actually feel sick for you to be in this situation.

I would want to build up a nest egg in my name, return to work and go halves on childcare then kick him out...

Let him beg for his "share of the savings". None of it is his inheritance as he spent every £ everything else is actually what you saved and loaned/gave to him that he is now reluctantly being forced to repay

He will continue to prioritise being crap off ebay over his DS at least if you split you will get maintenance for them

I have gone back to your first few posts in which you say you can see what he is spending via your access to the joint account. I think it's highly probable you can't. There may very well be accounts you know nothing of which is where the real spending (very possibly gambling transactions) is being done.

Dh was gambling and had an entire web of deceit woven around it. It is surprisingly easy for vast levels of debt to be run up behind an unsuspecting partner's back. Levels which only come to light when the entire house of cards is about to collapse.

I have stayed because he agreed to do everything it takes to arrest the addiction. He complies with every single thing I ask and he does it willingly. Your partner isn't willing to consider even starting to make things right by selling the motorbike. Ask him if you can see his credit reports (they will show you if there are accounts you don't know anything about). If he huffs and puffs, you have your answer. You can't make him change if he doesn't want to and if he doesn't want to he will make yours and the kids lives hell.

You say you've checked his credit history? How?

Because the online £5 'reports' are very limited and won't show any activity in eg a slightly (or completely) different name.

Addicts/liars will do all sorts to cover their tracks

Also thinking about this from another angle - what is he teaching your children? What kind of role model is he? How would you feel if your children grew up with the same spending issues he and his siblings have?

Op - 2 yrs ago my 2DC learnt that they were beneficiaries of my bachelor cousins will, along with a no of others. It turned out he was quite wealthy and their portions were enough to give them a decent house deposit if invested wisely. They were 17 & 14 at the time, both sensible, but we also spent a lot of time talking to them about nest egg, house deposits etc.

DS was learning to drive at the time and joked about getting an expensive car. He is very much a saver so it was just a joke, but DD gave him a lecture on not wasting his inheritance. She was 14 at the time - less than half your DP's age - but seemingly with more financial sense.

Fast forward to now, DS has had his money a year, hasn't touched a penny except to move monthly from savings into a stocks and shares ISA. He is at uni, enjoying life but careful, and manages quite well on his loan, some top up from us and wages from earlier job.

DD now 16.5, her money just been transferred from solicitors to the control of DH and I. Some in NS&I, rest Initially went into a trust account, but since moved to an ac in her name to get more interest. She could ask me for the passbook, draw it out and blow it. But she wouldn't, far too much sense! And I wouldnt have put the money in her sole name if I thought she would access it.

It sounds like your DP is using you to continuously bail him out, as his sisters are using his Dad. Your fault for letting this continue, but as a PP said, he probably wont change, as he could just turn to his dad for a bail out. His dad is as much a fool as he is.

We have drummed it into our kids that we will continue to finance them through college, uni etc (altho expect DD to get a PT job as her DB did) and let them keep their inheritance for a house deposit. However, if they blow it, they will not be bailed out by us, either generally or for a house deposit.

I would question why your parents still want you to get married. Are they, as a pp said, scared of losing face to friends or losing deposits? If my DD was in your position, I would tell her to run a mile!

you should definitely think about earning your own money when it works for you.

i don't know about the 30 hours free childcare. i heard a bbc4 programme about providers saying it isn't possible because atm the fee paying parents subsidise the free hours and they're already at breaking point so you can't just double the hours and expect it all to work out ok.

That joint bank account you use needs to be closed and separate ones opened. You need to financially disassociate yourself from him asap. Otherwise his pay-day loan will follow you like a bad smell for years. It's not only mortgage-lenders who take a dim view of them, it's all lenders. If there are any CCJ's on his financial record yours will be screwed, too.

My lovely niece shackled herself to a waster similar to the OP's. And has two kids with him, who he can longer "afford" to support while he very quickly found someone else to house him after she chucked him out. And left her with thousands of credit-card debt to manage alone.

The absolute death-knell on that relationship should have sounded the very moment she discovered he was in debt when she got together with him. But no, she "worked" with him, denied herself all sorts of luxuries to achieve them being debt-free. Once they were finally debt-free he went and acquired yet more debt behind her back. Which she is now paying off alone while supporting the two children they have together with no meaningful or regular contribution from him. Meanwhile he's going to Vegas for his 40th birthday because he "deserves it". Fortunately they never went ahead with their marriage-plans so the house she bought with a mortgage in her sole name could not be touched. Her sole name because his credit-record was so bad due to debt and PAY-DAY LOANS.

"Feckless" or "selfish" doesn't quite cover bastards who do this sort of thing. It's a very deep and profound character defect and one which I believe is impossible to overcome.

I'm so pleased you aren't going to marry him, it would be absolutely insane to do that.

If you don't want to leave him I would tell him that you will marry him when you have a deposit saved for a house and money saved for a honeymoon.
Then watch his reaction. If he rushes off to sell his motorbikes and tries to find a way to save some money, maybe a better paying job then things might be ok. If he does absolutely nothing then you have your answer! LTB.

Would he contribute to the cost of childcare, if you did go back to work now? What is he spending that 50 quid a week on which is more important than childcare?

Take another look at the finances and make sure you really can't get back to work. Remember to include all his income, not just what he has left after he gets his fun money. Childcare comes before fun.

Oh, and in a year he may well look like he's reformed, but you will have no idea how many other payday loans he'll have hiding away. How would you find out?

Be careful. He might give the impression of being reformed but actually not be reformed at all.

Wtf, get out before he ruins all of you.

You write in your OP that he's a good father. He's not. A good father would have taken the inheritance and put a mortgaged roof over their head, or at least put in in savings.

I'd run a mile.

Be prepared for him to swear he's never doing it again. You cannot trust him, he's only sorry he got found out.

Get a job, leave him and his sorry financial mess behind you. Nothing in my book ever makes up for not putting the safety of the family first. You struggle on £40 per week and he's pissed thousands up the wall behind your back.
Even if you micromanaged him, he could still get a loan or credit card and get into debts behind your back again.

'I've been pushing him tonight about selling his motorbike (the one he actually uses) and he's really dug his heels in saying it's not worth any money and he would never be able to afford to save up and buy one again. Yeh but why do you get to keep the bike when we have money to make back? I despair'

Of course he has. This speaks volumes and this is the last time you have to listen before you go down the swanny with him. He's taken you for a ride. That money he came to you to bail him out, it's GONE.

He doesn't want to sell the bike because HE comes first. He deserves it, he works hard, blah blah blah.

He's a liar who puts himself above his own kids. Who is happy for his kids to be on £40/week whilst he burns money on himself.

What a total arsehole.

Are you marrying my ex? This was the main reason we split up, so I'm glad I'm out of that now

Its really hard on you. Years ago i was in a serious long term relationship with a man who did something that didn't sit right with me. I spoke to a friend about it (friend was a priest so it was in confidence) i told him what had happened , but kept saying "but he is very nice otherwise, a real family man"
The priest said "you say he is a family man but his actions say the total opposite. Wake up"
I couldn't really accept it and it took a long time to realise that this was all true. He was a selfish person and i got away from him eventually thank God.
We weren't married and didnt have children so it wasn't half as complicated as your story. But please dont go through with the wedding if you are having doubts. This is a serious character flaw that is likely to repeat over and over for the rest of your life together. You dont have to split up with him today but please listen to the alarm bells and back off to safeguard you and your childrens future.
He is not a family man.
The other similarity in our stories is that i only told someone in secret too, like you have done on here. I couldn't tell people in real life because i was covering for him and thought i was in too deep. I wasn't and you are not either.
Back away. Take a deep breath. Write it down. You will be ok if you are honest with yourself. You don't anyone any explanations. Good luck.

I would say the most important thing is to get back to work NOW. When I took my 2 maternity leaves, I was working 3 days a week. I saved up all my AL and so didn't go back until they were 14 months so only 4 months less than you have been. It took me about 2 months to feel confident in my job again so you will be okay. Please talk to your previous employer and ask to get back into work. As for the 90% of your wages going on childcare that doesn't matter ,the most important thing is that you stay in the job market and the more time you take out (esp with the likely effects of Brexit on the economy) the less likely you will be to be employable in the future.. Personally, I don't think it's a good idea for anyone to be an adult dependent but for you in particular it's a complete disaster. A friend is oxbridge educated and gave up work to be sahm. They've now divorced and guess what? with children at school, the spousal alimony is just for a year- she is expected to find a job and support herself in 1 year and she has not even been shortlisted in 6 months of applying for jobs far below the level she was previously at. You're not married to him now- good -get a job ,postpone the wedding -you dont need to tell people the real reason you could just say life too hectic with an 18 mth year old we will be n touch soon - but actually the 1st priority here is you getting a job ASAP. Too many women take the irresponsible gamble of becoming adult dependents -please don'the be one of them

My OH inherited a sizable sum of money, he paid the mortgage off, bought a very nice brand new family car (despite the fact he doesn't drive) and spends the money that was paying the mortgage on the family. Your OH is a waste of space, get out now.

Christ you really do have a skewed perspective of what constitutes a good partner and father. Staying with the kids and spending time with them is normal parenting. Helping round the house is what he should do anyway.

He has literally frittered away the money that would have bought a roof over your heads. The good parents I know are very concerned about having security for their kids - but it was more important for him to splash the cash?

He has pissed away £1000s whilst you are using your 'allowance' to put clothing on the backs of your kids.

He has lied and lied and lied.

You said he felt bad about it. Yeah - so bad that he dropped them bombshell about the money problems and then promptly fucked off on holiday for a week leaving you to deal with it.

You said that he's remorseful - yet he's kicking back about selling his motorbike, which is a non-essential item.

Open your eyes. He doesn't give a shit - all he has done is made this YOUR problem. What has he proactively done or suggested to put this right? Nothing. YOU'VE made sure he paid off the PDL. YOU'VE pushed for a budget and cut backs. YOU'VE had to take control of the finances. What has he changed? Nothing. You do realise that you controlling the bank account and household budget doesn't stop him from taking out another PDL or credit card, don't you?

He has a cushy little set-up, wandering through life spunking money on whatever the hell he wants safe in the knowledge that you'll sort it out. Nailed on if you stay with this bloke you are going to wake up in X years and be as mad as hell that you wasted so much time with him, because this will be your life - constantly wondering and watching if he's running up debt behind your back.

I know. I know. If the shoe was on the other foot I would never spend that much money on myself. If I won the lottery tomorrow I would be planning on spending it on my family and for our future as a family. I would have seen it as our money. Not mine. And he keeps blaming me now, that it's my fault he had to spend it because I'm not working. But I'm not working cos I'm home raising OUR child.