My partner spent all our savings

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My fiancé is terrible with money. He had debts when I met him which he paid off a few years ago when he received some inheritance and I thought that would be the end of it. The rest of the inheritance bought a few luxury items, new car, some of it squandered but hey, it was his money, I couldn't really begrudge a bit of guilt free spending. We agreed to put £10,000 of it into savings to start our mortgage deposit fund. However, a few weeks ago he admitted to me that he has now spent most of the mortgage savings. He couldn't even tell me what on, it's just been pissed up the wall over the last 6 months. I've put my sensible head on and taken control of the finances now as he cannot be trusted. He's agreed that's fine as he has a problem. But I'm still so angry about it!! I'm not working at the moment (I'm at home with baby) so we have no spare money to even begin to make those savings back up. So it will be up to me to save that money myself when I return to work. Which I guess is fine, it will be my house too, I should chip in. But I'm the one now having to bail him out. I've been scrimping and saving my £40 a week housekeeping for our honeymoon fund and had to use it to pay off a payday loan he had outstanding. How would you feel about being in this situation? Would it be make or break? I love him and can't fault him as a father or partner (bar the money issues!!) so have no intention of leaving him. But anyway, what are you opinions? Sorry for long post.

Have you worked out how long it would take to save up

£2000 - that you lent your partner to for pay day loan

£10,000/£27,000 - inheritance

All savings rates are currently very low and it would take a long time and much longer if you are not working

He is putting buying "crap from Ebay" first, before you and your children
Before saving for wedding
Before saving for honeymoon
Before saving for house
Before paying off his debts
Before budgeting for monthly bills

I can't believe he agreed to you paying for his holiday when he secretly knew about the debts. He can't be trusted. He's a slithery snake. He can't seem to distinguish between unnecessary luxuries and essentials. Make him list everything he spends and put them into the correct category for him. He is an utterly selfish prick. His need for selfishly frittering comes before family essentials and long term family aims. Cancel the wedding OP. Tell him he has one year to be totally debt free. Point him in the direction of charities that help with his problem. Buy him nothing but a book from amazon for xmas.

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/0143115766/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1481355182&sr=8-1&pi=SY200_QL40&keywords=money+or+your+life&dpPl=1&dpID=51efOt8IaKL&ref=plSrch

OP I'm so sorry you're in this situation.

Like you and many PP the £12k in bank charges sounds very suspicious to me. Can I make a suggestion? Tell him you want to start digging into how / where these charges were accrued, with a view to appealing to the Financial Services Ombudsman and watch his reaction.

Spirals of fees (i.e. You go overdrawn, they change you a fee, you're back in credit, they take the fee, it takes you overdrawn, they charge you a fee) are looked at very dimly by the FSO. If genuinely this has what happened you may be able to claim some of this back (see www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/how-to-reclaim-unfair-bank-charges for info) but if not an (even more) forensic look at all his statements might help you figure out exactly where this money has gone.

Good luck OP.

Return his presents. Just get him the book.

Also it's very odd that all of his siblings are the same. The parents might have worked every hour going but they obviously endulged their children to the point of being spoilt entitled brats and having no real practical awareness of money.

Tell everyone about his squandering and selfishness when you tell them that the wedding is cancelled. Layer on the shame of his actions.

He has one year to turn this around.

In the mean time keep all your finances separate. Point him in the direction of the book/budgeting charities/websites.

If my DH inherited 27k, it would all go on family stuff (mortgage, one cheap U.K. Family holiday (£500?), one meal out and £400 on essentials like coats/shoes/pants). We'd also create a cushion of 3 months pay. Keep it in the bank.

Get out of this relationship now before you end up with any liability for these debts. Do not marry him and end up with his financial problems tied to you for the rest of your life.

So, I think you should postpone the wedding now, before it gets any nearer. I'm not saying don't ever get married but don't unless he gets his addiction to buying sorted out.

He has LIED to you about paying off loans. You have bailed him out in a number of ways. He still gets £50 "spending" while you have less and buy the kids stuff.

To me, "sorting it out" would mean the following.

Re negotiating spending money so that out of the £90 you have each week, you regularly set aside £20-30 for kids stuff and split the rest evenly.

He has a concerted effort in eBay/local site selling of as much stuff as possible in order to pay you back for bailing him out asap, not over a whole year.

He keeps a record of EVERYTHING he spends. Writing bit all down will help him see just how big a problem it is.

Then ( and this is the most important) he seriously sees that he has a problem and is willing to address it by attending appropriate counselling regularly for a significant amount of time to address the underlying emotional issues that led to him spending in such a way that he has ended up lying to you over it.

He needs to write a log of everything he spends as he spends it.

why write a log - why the hell should she micromanage him like a toddler with money. He is a grown man and needs to deal with this himself. Is not up to her to police his every move for the rest of her life! What an utter joke that would be. Complete and utter lack of trust and utter disrespect for her and money.

'Bad with money' is being a bit disorganised.

What you're describing imo is someone who doesn't think they should pay bills (he only paid what he had to eg rent before you moved in) and is happy to spend joint savings without the others' knowledge, whilst having a jag and 3 motorbikes he could have sold earlier.

Imo that says something fundamental about how he views the world and his place in it eg. he takes what he can and gives only what he has to.

How sad for you to find out what he's done. It really is a nightmare when you are dealing with someone who just thinks in a very different way to you. It's like banging head against brick wall

I haven't said she has to write a log or micro manage him. It's perfectly acceptable to point him in the right direction so he can sort himself out - the book, counselling, budgeting charities, ideas. At the end of the day he has to choose to take control of his finances. The relationship is doomed unless he makes the correct choice.

OP issue him an ultimatum!

He has to be totally debt free by December 2017 through managing his own finances properly. Or the relationship is over.

This don't add up. You have £40 a week to live off and often struggle but you lent him £2k to pay off debt and paid for him to have a week in the sun to see the Moro GP! Something not right here.....

I havent readt the full thread.

I have experience of this and would say he could have a gambling issue from my past experiences?

I'm surprised so many people keep bringing up gambling.
I'm not ruling that out, but far more people get into debt pissing away money on crap and fun than have gambling habits.
Like turning a one day moto event into a week long holiday.
He may sleep in his car, but he'll spend 100s on feeding himself and I expect beer.
It's very easy to fritter away that kind of money if you don't care.

Money is the biggest cause of Divorce, more than unfaithfulness.
He has also consistently lied to you.
He is also forcing you into a role as a parent rather than relating to you as an adult and partner.

I would suggest you get back to work and separate from him - then he could try to prove he has changed.

I started saving while I was working. I've only managed to save a small amount extra since I've just had the housekeeping

When you worked, did you have a reasonable income?

Did you say your DC is 18 months? In a years time she will be old enough to be entitled to free childcare.

Yes I was working full time and brought in a decent amount. That's the plan, to go back when she starts preschool as I think rules have changed now, isn't it 30 hours free childcare a week for working parents?

My ex H was bad with money (and other things tbh). He would buy stuff we couldn't afford because his friend had it. He'd buy rounds of drinks in the pub that emptied his wallet and then come to me for more cash. He'd buy the 'best' of everything when the cheaper item was just as good.

We were supposed to live off his wage whilst my wage paid the bills, and being young and niave when we married I believed him that buying stuff on HP was a good idea. It wasn't.

When I left I was lucky that I could move into Army accommodation and that my meals were already paid for at source. Because once all the bills/debts came out I had a grand total of £65.00 left per month. That was it. No finery or frippery. £65 that was mine to do with what I wanted. Thankfully it was only just over a year. But that was a horrible year. I couldn't travel to see my parents or sibs because I couldn't afford the fuel. I couldn't go out with my mates, get drunk, have a kebab on the way home like they all did...there just wasn't the money to do that. At that point I had 6 nieces and nephews under the age of 10 - can you imagine how I felt not being able to get them something nice for their birthdays? I was so ashamed. I had about £15 a week - and if I needed tampons, or shampoo, or petrol...well that was it till the next week.

I've now been married to DH for 12 years. Our combined earnings are less, now in 2016, than the combined earnings of my ex and I were then in 1995. But we have more 'stuff', more fun and more security then I ever did with him.

Don't marry this man. Seriously.

TBH I'm itching to go back to work. I miss the security of my own income

An income that you shouldn't let him anywhere near.
If you are married you marry his debts. Imagine working your whole adult life and having nothing at all to show for it ecxept someone else's debt.

And you will hand that income right over to him to service his addiction, won't you ?

It was his inheritance to choose how ever he wished. The fact he decided not to use the money for the good of his family and building a secure family home surely indicates whete his priorities lie?