My partner spent all our savings

[user1481292639]

My fiancé is terrible with money. He had debts when I met him which he paid off a few years ago when he received some inheritance and I thought that would be the end of it. The rest of the inheritance bought a few luxury items, new car, some of it squandered but hey, it was his money, I couldn't really begrudge a bit of guilt free spending. We agreed to put £10,000 of it into savings to start our mortgage deposit fund. However, a few weeks ago he admitted to me that he has now spent most of the mortgage savings. He couldn't even tell me what on, it's just been pissed up the wall over the last 6 months. I've put my sensible head on and taken control of the finances now as he cannot be trusted. He's agreed that's fine as he has a problem. But I'm still so angry about it!! I'm not working at the moment (I'm at home with baby) so we have no spare money to even begin to make those savings back up. So it will be up to me to save that money myself when I return to work. Which I guess is fine, it will be my house too, I should chip in. But I'm the one now having to bail him out. I've been scrimping and saving my £40 a week housekeeping for our honeymoon fund and had to use it to pay off a payday loan he had outstanding. How would you feel about being in this situation? Would it be make or break? I love him and can't fault him as a father or partner (bar the money issues!!) so have no intention of leaving him. But anyway, what are you opinions? Sorry for long post.

The thing is, even if you got him to cut back and you think everything's hunky dory, what's to stop him getting another pay loan without telling you? What's to stop him then not paying it and hiding it from you for another six months? Before of course, it starts to stink and he comes looking to you to bail him out again. Where's the trust or security there?

It's not so much the being shit with money; I'm not particularly good with it myself and it's something I need to work on urgently. Instead, it's deception around the constant flow of savings out of the deposit account and into his pocket. Every time he did that he betrayed you, he put your dream of buying a home back another two, three months each time he dipped into those savings. Did he care? Did he fuck! Letting you pay for necessities for the kids out of your own pitiful allowance whist he topped his up behind your back? What sort of mate does that?

You're on the wedding train now. Once you're on that it's hard to say, "I don't want to do this any more. Maybe your parents are worried you won't find anyone else with the kids, maybe they genuinely like him, maybe they think they and you have sunk all this time, money and excitement into the wedding that they don't want to walk away from it. Maybe they just don't understand the scale of this betrayal and how this bodes for your future together. Whatever their reasoning, don't listen because they're talking shite. Relationships are work, but when one person is doing all the grafting and the other one is coming behind and taking a dump all over it, doesn't matter what you do. It's a recipe for heartbreak, pure and simple. Get out.

Trixie they aren't married so there's no marital property full stop. English and Welsh law has no sympathy for unmarried stay at home parents.

He only came clean because the money was running out and he needed help. If he cared he would have came to me for help before having to dip into the savings. Sigh. It's a horrible realisation. I've been pushing him tonight about selling his motorbike (the one he actually uses) and he's really dug his heels in saying it's not worth any money and he would never be able to afford to save up and buy one again. Yeh but why do you get to keep the bike when we have money to make back? I despair

He's telling you who he is. Believe him.

My cousin (who I love) did this to his fiancee (who was lovely). He lost his job, didn't tell her , then used their wedding savings to live, pretending he still had his job. She left him, as she explained to my aunt, because she couldn't be with a liar. My aunt, who loves her son, agreed with her. Sad, but he'll never chsnge. And as you get further in, with a family, you are less and less able to get out. DH and I have a joint account and out own separate accounts. I don't care what he spends (he has bikes and motorbikes) from his own accoynt, the joint account pays the bills. He needs to at least put an appropriate amount into the joint account by direct debit, and he can't use that account. Otherwise you're on a slippery slope

It's pretty crap but yeh I agree. When it's time to stop the meaningless wordy stuff and take action to rectify the situation he's just not willing.

So if he's not willing to sort it out for the sake of your relationship, why should you be?

Clopy I think she's not, anymore. She said a bit upthread she won't marry him (easy for it to get lost in the flurry of posts tho).

His motorbike is worth more than your honeymoon...to him.

At the very least postpone the wedding.

The issue is that he knows you have savings, therefore in his head there is money there to spend or use to bail him out.
He takes zero responsibility for his actions. Once he gets pissed off with not having access to cash he will just get yet another payday loan or credit card and the first you'll hear about it is when a bloody bailiff comes knocking.

It's also very telling that his siblings all seem equally useless with money. Are their parents wealthy? What example have they been set?

Like other posters I have been with a man like this. Broke at the beginning of the relationship, high earner as am I. This masked the problem, but looking back we never had the lifestyle we should have given our income. Lasted 20 years til I found out he had remortgaged the house (fraud) gone through six figure inheritance and owed money everywhere. Found out on a Monday, chucked him out, went to solicitor on the Tuesday to start divorce and got (ridiculously large) mortgage transfered into my name alone. I had just turned 50. It was hell. the kids hated him, but because he wasn't there took it out on me. Took me a year to function normally. Two saving graces were my parents and my career. Five years on my life is good. I have not got another man and suspect I won't as I am still too damaged to trust someone. Please, please run now. £12k now could be £120k in a few years time. Don't listen to your parents, they are probably scared to see you as a single mum. Mine were. It's not just the money, it's the lies, the lack of respect for you and the DCs. You are worth more.
I love my life now.

It sounds from. Do you really want this to be your life? Whilst children are growing up? Forever?? He won't change. You must decide what is acceptable for you and the life you wish for your child.

*Grim
Do not marry this man!

His parents arnt wealthy at all. They both worked really hard when he was young, his dad did night shifts, his mum had several jobs to make ends meet. I think this is where this all stems from. He always worried about money growing up so now he just spends whenever he wants to. But they had savings. And when his dad took early retirement he had a large settlement figure which bailed out his daughters on many occasions. They paid it all back when inheritance came in but has since given some of it back to them to bail them out again!!! They are all terrible with money

Having ranted about xh and his feckless spendaholic behaviour above, I want to give you the alternative. My second husband earned half my salary when we started as a couple. He'd had his fingers burnt by a liar. Twenty years on we have separate finances but we have trust. We married and had dc. We have never missed a payment or a promise. Bank statements can be left lying around. He earns more than me now. Our choice. It's easy. It should be easy.
Your DP is a kid in a sweet shop and you are his mum.

So basically they hated the fact they never had enough money so now spoil themselves and always get what they want.

Their parents are fools to keep bailing them out, especially assuming they have all pissed away the same inheritance? But now you have taken over that role so he no longer has to ask mummy and daddy for any money.

The worst thing is that if his parents died tomorrow, all that they have worked their arses off for all those years will be pissed away in 6 months by their fuckwit offspring who will then have no one to get them out of the holes they keep digging for themselves.

He's never asked his parents for any money. The stupid thing is that he always moans about his sisters terrible money habits and having to be bailed out by his parents...and yet here he is, just as bad with money but no balls to ask his parents.

You wondered upthread why he didn't pay off the PDL with his inheritance. Because it's BORING. Who wants to pay off debt when there are bright shiny new toys to be bought?

An adult who is a responsible partner, that's who.

Which is not what your DP is, sadly.

That makes sense. He's equally shit with money but his pride precludes him going cap in hand to his parents You'll fix It! Pride intact...

I'm so glad realisation is finally dawning OP!

And you shouldn't think of the "savings" as his money. Put it into an account in your name and run. Get your own place, and get his parents to bail him out, and make him start paying for his kids so you can get back to work asap!

I am crap with money (disclaimer - not as bad as him!!!) , so have been trying to put myself in his shoes as I've read this, and when I got to this part ...Pissed off me wants to go on a shopping spree with the remainder of his savings so he knows how it feels I imagined how he'd feel if you did this and it wouldn't teach him a lesson at all. He'd just feel relieved - like 'oh she's got even now, I'm off the hook, phew!'

All I'll add to advice you've received so far is that IF you continue with this man, be sure that you are financially independent and never have a mortgage or household bills that you cannot afford to pay at least 80% of on your salary. I say that because it's very likely that you'll end up paying for them, either because of splitting up or because he's bastarded up his finances (yet again).

My ex was like that. Was so proud of never asking his parents for anything while he was me, but he thought my money was his. And after we split up he was quite happy for his parents to maintain him again.

Money is one of the fundamental things you must see pretty much eye to eye on in a serious relationship.

I wouldn't marry him.

Let me share my story. I got married 7 years ago and found out about an amount of debt two months after our wedding. I've always been very careful with money.

I accepted the story that was told and supported with the repayment of the debts.

Seven years down the line, with two small children as a joint mortgage on a house we have recently had improved, I have just uncovered a recently accrued £20,000 debt run up by my gambling addict of a husband.

I agree that the story in your case doesn't make sense and that he is covering up the real reason behind the debt.

If I had my time again I wouldn't be where I am now, which is stuck in a marriage to protect mine and my childrens' beloved home, which ironically, I couldn't currently afford on my own.

If I had my time again I would've separated as soon as the initial debt arose, especially as it causes me such angst.