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Original poster

My partner spent all our savings

377 replies

user1481292639 · 09/12/2016 18:44

My fiancé is terrible with money. He had debts when I met him which he paid off a few years ago when he received some inheritance and I thought that would be the end of it. The rest of the inheritance bought a few luxury items, new car, some of it squandered but hey, it was his money, I couldn't really begrudge a bit of guilt free spending. We agreed to put £10,000 of it into savings to start our mortgage deposit fund. However, a few weeks ago he admitted to me that he has now spent most of the mortgage savings. He couldn't even tell me what on, it's just been pissed up the wall over the last 6 months. I've put my sensible head on and taken control of the finances now as he cannot be trusted. He's agreed that's fine as he has a problem. But I'm still so angry about it!! I'm not working at the moment (I'm at home with baby) so we have no spare money to even begin to make those savings back up. So it will be up to me to save that money myself when I return to work. Which I guess is fine, it will be my house too, I should chip in. But I'm the one now having to bail him out. I've been scrimping and saving my £40 a week housekeeping for our honeymoon fund and had to use it to pay off a payday loan he had outstanding. How would you feel about being in this situation? Would it be make or break? I love him and can't fault him as a father or partner (bar the money issues!!) so have no intention of leaving him. But anyway, what are you opinions? Sorry for long post.

OP posts:
LIZS · 09/12/2016 18:48

10k in 6 months just doesn't randomly disappear . He needs to tell you the truth.

JurassicFart · 09/12/2016 18:52

He spent TEN GRAND in six months? That's what, £1200 a month? And he can't tell you where it went. Yes that would be make or break for me. Break, most probably.

Justmuddlingalong · 09/12/2016 18:55

He's managed to spend all that without you noticing, is he a gambler?

TeaPleaseLouise · 09/12/2016 18:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tribpot · 09/12/2016 18:56

If he has any money left of that ten grand he can use it to pay off the payday loan. Why on earth have you been covering that, whilst on maternity leave, whilst he supposedly had savings sitting doing nothing?

The inheritance was a disaster, I suspect. Reinforcing his mindset that if he spends to excess somehow someone will always come along and bail him out. This wasn't 'guilt-free spending', it was a declaration of his intention to continue to act like a child where money was concerned.

Now that he's wasted all the inheritance, why is it up to you to save up for the deposit? (You never will, by the way - every time you manage to amass some money, he will have some fresh crisis that you have to bail him out of).

Handing over control to you just shifts the focus away from the problem, which is him. How does he intend to address his problem?

Ellisandra · 09/12/2016 18:56

It would be break for me, but you've already said you're not going to leave him over it.

You are seeing that £10K as his money I think - I can understand that. But taking money from you to pay the PDL? When he had £10K left after all his guilt free spending? Of course it was guilt free - if he felt guilt, he wouldn't have taken your money to pay off his loan ShockHmm

If you have to be his mother /banker, you will lose respect for him, and become resentful. Doling out pocket money, having to tell him off for over spending - would your relationship survive that?

I would give you two bits of advice as you say you're going to stay:

  1. Don't be his mum and banker. Tell him he needs to sort out his spending issues. The MoneySavingExpert website is a great place to start. He could also look for a money management course locally. If his spending has some emotional link, then counselling. I promise you that if he doesn't have his own "light bulb" moment you'll be back on here time and time again when he is effectively stealing from you by running up debts that you have to pay. Fine, give him a chance to change - but that does mean he has to change, not just you have to take charge.
  1. That honeymoon fund? DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN UNTIL HE HAS DONE (1).
ballsdeep · 09/12/2016 18:56

He's either a gambler, drugs use or has another woman. No way would he spend that without noticing and if he was buying new things , surely you would notice. I'd demand to see statements and I think I'd probably leave

GizmoFrisby · 09/12/2016 18:57

How on earth can u spend that amount of money on crap. He's hiding something from you definitely. He's being shifty.

GizmoFrisby · 09/12/2016 18:57

And as pp have said break defo. He sounds like a pain in the arse

Original poster
user1481292639 · 09/12/2016 18:58

I've seen all the bank statements. He's been transferring £600-£800 a month from the savings into his main bills account. It's to cover our bills when he over spends which goes on bugger all!! He's an eBay addict and is forever buying crap for the car, motorbike and little side projects. Also he forever popping to the shop for one thing and coming out with like 10 other things he doesn't need. Sometimes spending £60 or so in a single day on crap. Until I went through his bank statements he didn't even know that bills going out alone was sometimes more than he earned each month (he works nights so it fluctuates depending on enhancements). So I've gone through all the bills and made cutbacks so we can afford them properly. I've been through it all with a fine tooth comb so I can see where it's all gone but we still have nothing to actually show for it

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 09/12/2016 18:58

Oh and good luck getting a mortgage with a history of pay day loans!

Even if you stay with him, you need to financially dissociate - he is going to fuck your creditworthiness over big style.

Joysmum · 09/12/2016 19:02

No way I'd have a joint account with my DH. He spends what he thinks he has each month, I like to save then spend on larger things.

We have equal disposable income which goes to the individual current accounts so no need to discuss money and no arguments ever.

HappyJanuary · 09/12/2016 19:02

If your bills are more than he earns in a month, has most of the money gone on living expenses while you're not earning?

He does sound daft with money, but not £300pw daft based on what you've said here.

Ellisandra · 09/12/2016 19:05

You're making a mistake there lovey.

You took the fine tooth comb through the statements.

No no no no no.

That should have been him doing that.

Tell him that you cannot marry a grown man who cannot manage basic finances, and he needs to learn how. I mentioned the MSE website - get him over there, especially the Debt Free Wannabe forum.

He will not change whilst you're the one sorting it all out. And you will lose respect for him. And he will be resentful that you are stopping him buying his motorbike crap.

Separate your finances completely. Work out what he needs to contribute to the household bills account together. Then tell him that is due on 1st month.

Some things that can happen:

  1. He shapes up and he fixes this
  1. He doesn't love you enough to even try
  1. He keeps running up debt and you leave him
  1. He keeps running up debt and you stay, until there is no cash and no love left, and you regret your decision
Original poster
user1481292639 · 09/12/2016 19:05

Yes much of it has been to cover bills while I'm not working (but also so he can continue buying things when we can't afford to). But if the bleedin' idiot had actually looked at his outgoings when I stopped working and made the cutbacks then (which I'm having to do now) then we wouldn't be in this mess. I cannot believe anyone wouldn't know their own outgoings. I check my bank account every single day, even if nothing is due to go out.

OP posts:
pallasathena · 09/12/2016 19:06

This is your future should you choose to continue.
Married to a man-child who can't control his need for bright shiny things while you work your butt off batting away creditors, penny pinching to pay the bills and day by day, month by month, desperately trying to make a good life for yourself and your children while he carries on regardless.

Personally, I wouldn't give him the time of day after he spent his inheritance like that. And why are you minimising? Don't you deserve a say in the family finances? Or are your roles a bit 1950"s? You know...he has the ultimate say over matters financial and you just put up, shut up and pretend that everything is really, really lovely? Well, it really really isn't is it?
You need to put down some very heavy boundaries here otherwise, this is your life. Or you LTB.

AnyFucker · 09/12/2016 19:08

You will have a dog's life if you stay with this man

You have been warned

Ellisandra · 09/12/2016 19:08

You check your account every day.
Tell him that - teach him that.
But it needs to be him checking his account, not you for him.

I'm pretty good with money. I'm not a daily checker but I can tell you that when I do check, far more often than not - I've spent more than I realised. He has to want to learn to manage his money.

ThePeoplesChamp · 09/12/2016 19:09

Motorbike gets sold. Pronto.

tribpot · 09/12/2016 19:10

By being the one to sit down and decide where the cutbacks need to be made you've created a situation where none of this is his problem. What will you do when he continues to overspend and the cutbacks aren't enough?

Why on earth are you paying this payday loan?

Original poster
user1481292639 · 09/12/2016 19:11

I suppose our roles are a bit 1950s. Or at least they were until he dropped this bombshell!! He was in charge of the money because he earned it. And I thought being a man of 32, he would know by now how to manage his own money. But now I'm joint on his account so I can see what he's spending. And he has an allowance of £50 a week which is all we can afford to allow him. Yet his allowance is more than mine, and I'm expected to use mine to buy things for the kids!! Now I'm writing it all down it does seem horribly unfair

OP posts:
plimsolls · 09/12/2016 19:14

I second what PPhave said but I also want to flag something: you say you're "not working" and I'm reading a bit of guilt or something there, like you think it's bad that you're not contributing money ..... it sounds like you're on maternity/looking after your DC. Please remember that is a significant contribution, both to his life but also to family finances.

Original poster
user1481292639 · 09/12/2016 19:15

I'm paying the payday loan because it's gone from £2000 to them wanting £8000 and it was a big concern for me that it would keep going up. I have lent him the money to pay that off. He's paying me back the same amount he was paying them each month for the next year.

OP posts:
GizmoFrisby · 09/12/2016 19:17

Oh my god. I can't believe what I've just read. Hmm £8000 on a pay day loan. You must be off your nuts

AnyFucker · 09/12/2016 19:17

He is a fool. But you are the bigger one. You will be bailing him out forever.

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