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Original poster

My partner spent all our savings

377 replies

user1481292639 · 09/12/2016 18:44

My fiancé is terrible with money. He had debts when I met him which he paid off a few years ago when he received some inheritance and I thought that would be the end of it. The rest of the inheritance bought a few luxury items, new car, some of it squandered but hey, it was his money, I couldn't really begrudge a bit of guilt free spending. We agreed to put £10,000 of it into savings to start our mortgage deposit fund. However, a few weeks ago he admitted to me that he has now spent most of the mortgage savings. He couldn't even tell me what on, it's just been pissed up the wall over the last 6 months. I've put my sensible head on and taken control of the finances now as he cannot be trusted. He's agreed that's fine as he has a problem. But I'm still so angry about it!! I'm not working at the moment (I'm at home with baby) so we have no spare money to even begin to make those savings back up. So it will be up to me to save that money myself when I return to work. Which I guess is fine, it will be my house too, I should chip in. But I'm the one now having to bail him out. I've been scrimping and saving my £40 a week housekeeping for our honeymoon fund and had to use it to pay off a payday loan he had outstanding. How would you feel about being in this situation? Would it be make or break? I love him and can't fault him as a father or partner (bar the money issues!!) so have no intention of leaving him. But anyway, what are you opinions? Sorry for long post.

OP posts:
AskBasil · 09/12/2016 19:53

Oh Jesus.

This man isn't an adult.

And if he is, he's a lying one.

Just dump him. You can't marry a misfit like this.

Original poster
user1481292639 · 09/12/2016 19:54

Yes I do want to marry him. Everything was fine until I found out about his money problems. Which makes this really hard to get to grips with. He's hidden it for so long and that's why it's spiralled out of control. I had no idea when I left work that we would be so short of money and he would end up using our savings. When I found out I was pregnant we did go through all the finances and budgeted the food shop etc. And I trusted that all was well. But actually he had left a lot of things out of the original budget plan. I should have asked to see his bank statements when I was going on maternity leave but I had no reason to think we couldn't manage. He earns a decent wage. I thought his debt stuff was sorted so I never really questioned his finances. This has been quite a shock and trying to deal with it rationally. I was going to leave him when he first told me. But once I calmed down, I decided to be proactive about it. Relationships are sometimes hard work and you are meant to work through problems together right??

OP posts:
EweAreHere · 09/12/2016 19:54

I wouldn't tie myself legally to him by marrying him or co-owning real estate...

expatinscotland · 09/12/2016 19:54

'Honestly, women really will put up with any old loser in order to have a man and babies, won't they?!'

They will. This is why I hammer it home to my daughter to not settle for any ol' dick and use a sperm donor when young if it's kids she wants - and to plan her career accordingly.

Rainbowqueeen · 09/12/2016 19:55

Do you want your child to continually go without so dad can spend whatever he wants on himself???

Having the same financial values is one of the most important aspects of a partnership. If you don't, it can't work. And you two don't.

If you stay with him your life will be constant stress, resentment , struggle. Break it off now

liletsthepink · 09/12/2016 19:55

Someone I know was married to a man like this. It turned out he had a gambling addiction. They ended up losing their home, bankrupt and getting divorced once she realised that he was never going to change.

Please don't end up like my friend. Even 10 years further on she hasn't recovered from the emotional and financial consequences of her ex's irresponsible behaviour.

1Potato2 · 09/12/2016 19:56

Agree Aye

CoolCarrie · 09/12/2016 19:56

FFS don't marry him, he is a selfish inmature self centre idiot! You must have heard the saying, ' Fool me once, shame on you, Fool me twice shame on me! He has fooled you and your children too many times, FFS! Off on bloody jollies that you paid for, while you had to deal with his bombshell and the dc! Cancel the wedding ASAP , you will be a bigger foolif you go ahead with this wedding, get your deposits back, and squirrel them away for you and dc. In other words, LTB !

AnyFucker · 09/12/2016 19:56

Everything was not "fine". You just didn't know about it.

57968sp · 09/12/2016 19:57

He lied to you, he has involved you in his financial mess, you cannot trust him - your admission, and you still want to marry him?

expatinscotland · 09/12/2016 19:58

'I was going to leave him when he first told me. But once I calmed down, I decided to be proactive about it. Relationships are sometimes hard work and you are meant to work through problems together right??'

He's not working on FA with you together. He's lying to you, OP. OVER and OVER and OVER. He has shown you who he is, over and over and over, and you'd be a complete fool to shackle yourself to that.

Original poster
user1481292639 · 09/12/2016 19:58

I meant all other aspects of the relationship was fine. And this obviously throws a real spanner in the works!

OP posts:
happychristmasbum · 09/12/2016 19:59

Do.Not.Marry.Him.

expatinscotland · 09/12/2016 20:00

You're a mug if you think this is only a 'real spanner'. He's a self-centred, lying twat who put his own child at financial risk to indulge himself. And now he has you to mop it all up.

ChickenVindaloo2 · 09/12/2016 20:00

Amazes me the number of people who "find out" that they are pregnant.

Surely you are either actively trying for a baby or you are not.
Before getting pregnant or even moving in together, why not have a sensible chat about money? Hell, I could tell a man who's shit with money in 2 seconds flat if his flat is covered with "crap from ebay".
You're a mug, OP. Yes, relationships mean you have to work through problems but that means things like illness or legitimate money worries. Finding out your partner is a lying, cheating idiot is not simply a "problem" that needs worked out.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 09/12/2016 20:00

Do you know OP, I actually HOPE that he's cheating on you. Because then, and only then, might you take umbrage enough to break off this engagement and make a life for yourself and your children without him.

The more you post, the more selfish YOU sound. Because it's not just you and him, you have both brought children into the world and everything that you do will affect them. Your children need at least one responsible parent to put their needs first... and they don't have that.

They have a feckless father and a mother who panders to him. Lucky kids.

Your posts make me angry actually. I had a gambler for a dad and it took my mother till I was 17 to finally divorce him. Four kids damaged by his behaviour - and her inaction when she needed to take it. It impaced her life badly too. Don't let this be you.

43percentburnt · 09/12/2016 20:00

No relationships are not hard work, that's a line used to get women to put up with shite behaviour.

What responsibility is he taking for the debt he has accrued? What is he doing about his spending addiction/problem? Why are you 'working hard' at it not him?

Also why do you think it's acceptable for you and your child to share £40 and he gets £50?

AskBasil · 09/12/2016 20:01

"Relationships are sometimes hard work and you are meant to work through problems together right??"

No. Not right. He hasn't worked through your problems together with you, he's hidden this from you for months. This means that you can't trust him, any time he ever causes a problem you've ever got a problem, he'll hide it from you. He doesn't know how to conduct an adult relationship.

You are not working through problems together, you are managing him, the way you have to manage a wayward child or a difficult member of staff. It's thankless and exhausting, but at least with a child, you are hoping s/he'll turn into a decent adult and at least with a difficult staff member, you're being paid to do it. In a relationship, neither of those things happen. Things just carry on in that pattern until one of you dies, or you wise up and decide you're not going to carry on living the only life you'll ever have, in this manner.

Trust me, I've been there. It's bloody awful living with a man like this, you are kidding yourself if you think someone with this attitude to secrecy and sharing in an adult manner with you, will ever step up to the plate and be a real partner. He's 32. He's had time to grow up. He's chosen not to. If you can't see it, you're in total denial and I feel desperately sorry for you because if you lie to yourself and pretend that all it takes is a bit of work, you will enter into years of flogging a dead horse. Aren't you worth more than this? Do you really think it's your job to fix this relationship? It won't happen.

mrsnoon · 09/12/2016 20:02

You are a mug. He knows it and is taking advantage of it. Wake up.

ChickenVindaloo2 · 09/12/2016 20:03

I don't mean "find out" as in taking a test. I mean "find out" when said in the context of it being an accident.

Babies aren't dropped out of the sky folks. Try and have a stable set up with a responsible person before having them!

LIZS · 09/12/2016 20:03

It's easier to get you to take over the finances than take responsibility like an adult. Do you need another child ? Do you really want to marry one? He told you ( what he needed your help with) then buggered off on his boys trip Angry

43percentburnt · 09/12/2016 20:05

When you do eventually leave you need to disassociate yourself financially on all credit reference agencies (or he will haunt you forevermore as may bailiffs). You also need to put in a cms claim ASAP so your child's money is first priority. (Wait for his cry - you only got with me for my mooonnnneyyyyyy).

SugarMiceInTheRain · 09/12/2016 20:06

I think you're seriously minimising the problem. Money is a huge cause of marital problems when partners have different attitudes to spending. I honestly don't know any happy married couples where one is a spendthrift and one is financially cautious. You really both need to be on the same page, and you're clearly not. If you marry this man and buy a house with him, you'll end up paying off his debts and resenting it for the rest of your life. You've been too trusting, and, dare I say it, naive about financial matters. Don't continue and be wilfully blind to this 'little' problem. It's not a problem you can solve on your own - he has to do it, and it's highly unlikely he ever will, while you're there to bail him out and bear all the responsibility for him. He might say all the right things but will probably end up remortgaging your house, defaulting and ending up getting your home repossessed because he hasn't learned to take responsibility for himself. Future financial problems aside, do you really want to be with a man who has so little respect for you that he's willing to lie to you and put the security of his children's home at risk?

BIWI · 09/12/2016 20:07

Are you new to MN?

ElizabethHoney · 09/12/2016 20:07

It IS possible to get through that much money with reckless overspending, so he doesn't necessarily have a gambling or drug problem as well.

It IS possible to be that financially reckless and selfish and to learn and change. It's difficult, and most don't manage it but it's possible.

It IS worth giving a future with the father of your baby another chance. If there were no baby or marriage, I'd say leave. But the baby's here, so if there's a chance you can forgive him in future,then it's worth giving him a last chance to turn things around.

Maybe it'll be a marriage where you set financial spending limits together, but where, in order to keep to them, he doesn't have access to cards for a couple of years. Likely, he'll need some help from CAP or another organisation that can help with sorting out money, as well as some counselling. Certainly, he'll need to show he's willing to make sacrifices for the family after what he's done, maybe selling the bike and replacing the car with a much cheaper one.

I really feel for you, being betrayed like that. But I hope you give him one more chance.

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