My partner spent all our savings

[user1481292639]

My fiancé is terrible with money. He had debts when I met him which he paid off a few years ago when he received some inheritance and I thought that would be the end of it. The rest of the inheritance bought a few luxury items, new car, some of it squandered but hey, it was his money, I couldn't really begrudge a bit of guilt free spending. We agreed to put £10,000 of it into savings to start our mortgage deposit fund. However, a few weeks ago he admitted to me that he has now spent most of the mortgage savings. He couldn't even tell me what on, it's just been pissed up the wall over the last 6 months. I've put my sensible head on and taken control of the finances now as he cannot be trusted. He's agreed that's fine as he has a problem. But I'm still so angry about it!! I'm not working at the moment (I'm at home with baby) so we have no spare money to even begin to make those savings back up. So it will be up to me to save that money myself when I return to work. Which I guess is fine, it will be my house too, I should chip in. But I'm the one now having to bail him out. I've been scrimping and saving my £40 a week housekeeping for our honeymoon fund and had to use it to pay off a payday loan he had outstanding. How would you feel about being in this situation? Would it be make or break? I love him and can't fault him as a father or partner (bar the money issues!!) so have no intention of leaving him. But anyway, what are you opinions? Sorry for long post.

Don't marry him. Don't buy a house with him. you'll be financially responsible for all the debt he's going to get you into.

By all means have a relationship with him if you want, but be financially independent of him. Don't lend him any more money.

I've seen his credit score. He's paid off all his debts. But they will take 5 years to come off the credit check thing so the plan was to wait 5 years to get the house. He's always been shady about money. I didn't know about the debts until after I had moved in (and away from all my friends and family.) they came from all over. Council tax debts from places he lived at in his youth. He lived here with his mate before I moved in and they never paid any bills apart from the rent so he owed loads for that. He had £12000 of bank charges from a bank account he had when he was younger. I was loads of stupid debts he had ignored for years. I actually found out about the payday loan ages ago but he told me he had paid it off when the inheritance came in. Yet he hadn't. And it has continued to rack up more interest.

OP, you have children and your partner is not thinking of that responsability, will you? You love him but can you afford to bring up children living like this?

Horrifying. Would be a deal breaker for me. Sorry. If you did insist on keeping him, it should be in a non-cohabitation arrangement and certainly not a marriage. I just couldn't tie my wagon to someone so financially destructive and useless.

Why the fuck did he not pay off his payday with the inheritance instead of allowing the interest to rack up and then frittering £10K on crap? Oh - because you would pay it off for him.

Telling you that he's spent the savings after he's spent them, and there is fuck all you can actually do about it, is disgustingly disrespectful.

You would indeed be a fool to marry this man (at least at the moment).

...he is allowed £50 a week. I get £40. And if the kids need anything it comes out of my £40 a week!! Some weeks I have nothing if one of them needs school stuff or clothes

So he is simultaneously tight, controlling and useless with money? Bad, bad combination. If you marry him, you will regret it. He will never put you or your DC first.

Sigh. The more detail you give, the worse it gets

You know what he is like. He won't change now. You have only yourself to blame if you proceed.

So he lies as well - what a prize he is

If you marry him, you will be utterly fucked financially. A man that spends that much money on himself, getting into huge debts and leaving you responsible for the financial cost of children and his choices, isn't a good partner or a good father. He's a selfish tool.

Believe it or not, the story gets worse. Do you know why he fessed up? I had paid for him to go to Valencia to watch the moto GP with his friend as a birthday present. He told me the night before he left for this week long holiday that he had taken £600 out of the savings for spending money. That was the first I heard of that money even being touched. I thought it was off limits. Then he came clean about the rest of the money and left for a week. So I had a whole week on my own with the kids to stew over it while he sunned himself on a holiday I paid for.

If he has had payday loans then that will affect his ability to get any mortgage.

You sound nearly as bad as him, OP.
You think it's ok to squander his inheritance when he has a family?
Why did you have a baby with this man? And why did you give up work without even the protection of marriage?
And you would blow 8k on a holiday ("lol").

How old are you pair?

So, when you have had a little vent on this thread and we all call him out for his stupidity...what are you going to do about it ?

Time is of the essence. You are 5 short months away from wrecking your life. Get busy thinking with your brain

Why are you marrying him again?

Unfortunately You have linked financially when you put his account into joint names so you could take control. You cannot sever this link unless you split up in the future. Even if you apply in just your name Some mortgage lenders will decline you due to your association with him (and his payday loans). Most prime lenders have a huge issue with payday loans as it shows you struggle to manage money month to month.

Eventually he will begrudge you for 'nagging' at him and being controlling with money. He will ask why you don't trust him. Why do you always get to decide. He feels he should get £50 a week and you and your child get £40. Why? I work ft and DH is a sahd I don't deserve more spends because of this.

Your partner has a spending problem. He enjoys buying stuff. Maybe he thinks he deserves stuff. This is what he needs to fix. £10k in 6 months is easy to blow without gambling, drugs etc. 10k looks like a lot of money, you can afford to 'treat' yourself, but he will have treated and treated himself, only £20 here and £35 there until it all goes. A takeaway, a fancy bike exhaust. How much of this stuff is sat there unused?

Total deal breaker for me. Tbh blowing the inheritance would have been a red flag when we were due to get married, had a baby and want to buy a house.

Put the wedding on hold. He has to realise he has a problem and want to fix it. If not you will have a poor life together.

Honestly, women really will put up with any old loser in order to have a man and babies, won't they?!

And a wedding of course! What's the actual point of this wedding OP?

Will you take him for richer and poorer? Will he promise to provide for you?

What do you want to happen? Do you want to marry him?

There is something that he's not telling you.

You would be a mug to marry and to buy property with this man, you will spend your life working hard, while he throws your money onto a bonfire, (as is happening now while you pay off the payday loan for him).

At the moment you are enabling him to carry on his disasterous relationship with money, in fact you seem to be encouraging him, such as in spending the inheritance.
You need to look at your own reasons for this, understanding them will help you to plan for your own future, hopefully without a financial millstone around your neck.

God this is like watching a car crash in slow motion.

Does he take any responsibility for anything, or are you always there to wipe his sorry arse for him? He is a waste of space and you are a mug if you go ahead with the wedding.

'He's always been shady about money. '

You are a total fool to stay with this man. Seriously. Marry him? Honeymoon? House? You're living in Cloud Cuckoo Land. And buying into the Fallacy of Sunken Costs, throwing more good money after bad because you had a kid with him, left your friends and family for him, etc.

You keep doing that, and you and your kids will end up in bankruptcy court on the street.

This man has a gambling or drug habit or both.

Burying your head in the sand won't cure that. All that will happen is you get dragged down with him.

Consider yourself warned.

Please OP, do not consider marriage to this "man". Surely reading this thread must make you see that you deserve better and being on your own is most certainly better than the situation you are in at the moment.