My partner spent all our savings

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My fiancé is terrible with money. He had debts when I met him which he paid off a few years ago when he received some inheritance and I thought that would be the end of it. The rest of the inheritance bought a few luxury items, new car, some of it squandered but hey, it was his money, I couldn't really begrudge a bit of guilt free spending. We agreed to put £10,000 of it into savings to start our mortgage deposit fund. However, a few weeks ago he admitted to me that he has now spent most of the mortgage savings. He couldn't even tell me what on, it's just been pissed up the wall over the last 6 months. I've put my sensible head on and taken control of the finances now as he cannot be trusted. He's agreed that's fine as he has a problem. But I'm still so angry about it!! I'm not working at the moment (I'm at home with baby) so we have no spare money to even begin to make those savings back up. So it will be up to me to save that money myself when I return to work. Which I guess is fine, it will be my house too, I should chip in. But I'm the one now having to bail him out. I've been scrimping and saving my £40 a week housekeeping for our honeymoon fund and had to use it to pay off a payday loan he had outstanding. How would you feel about being in this situation? Would it be make or break? I love him and can't fault him as a father or partner (bar the money issues!!) so have no intention of leaving him. But anyway, what are you opinions? Sorry for long post.

Whether you're meant to work through the problems together depends entirely on what those problems are OP!

To move away from the financial profligacy for the moment, this man takes more spending money for himself than you do and then expects you to pay for things for your child out of that. Meaning sometimes you have nothing, while he's merrily spunking money on shit from Ebay. That shows a lack of respect for you, it shows he doesn't value what you do. If he did, he wouldn't want you to be left without anything while he has money to spare. Even if we charitably assume he doesn't realise how much kids things cost, how could he think it was ok for him to have more spends to start with?

Giving him a limit is not going to solve anything. Give it 6 months, you will be doing the washing one day and find a credit card in his pocket, then he will be confessing to a credit card debt. He will find ways to get around it so he has more money to spend. He is out of control.

My DH is not good at finances and has a short-term outlook on money. He is by no means as bad as your DP. One day I got home from work to find he had applied for a joint loan to consolidate some debts, I went absolutely crazy at him. Told him there and then that it was fraud and he was never to sign my name to anything again. I went to the bank to sort it, turns out the loan hadn't actually gone through processing but I was able to get a fantastic low rate loan that would save me a fortune in the long run (In my name only, adding his name was 20% more!). Then 12 months later my DH applied for a loan for himself to pay off some debts he had accumulated in that time, got accepted and just had to sign and return the form. I sat him down, and explained how the interest rate on the loan would mean we would pay back thousands more than what he currently owes even including the current interest payable. It took a whole evening until he finally relented and accepted what I was saying was fact. That was more than 2 years ago. He now consults me on big purchases and although he is given a limit and he tries to live within it, he is usually over slightly. I budget for this though. Tbf though, my DH wants to be better with money.

My point it, if he is just wasting money on this and that, you may be able to help him. He has to be prepared to listen to you though. You are also setting yourself up for having to remind him of these limits regularly. You also need to learn the phrase "Well if you need more money, you need to earn more". It will cause arguments, even if he does understand where you are coming from. Spenders like to spend! However, if he doesn't really want to change, then you are going to be very unhappy and very poor with this man.

You know that saying fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me It's sounds like you are on about fool me ten times

He sounds horrible and you sound like you aren't thinking straight. How on earth can you say he's a good Dad. You really have to start taking some responsibility in this situation.

Wow some of you lot are brutal. But I respect your honesty. Thank you for your replies and advice. I need to have a long think about the future of this relationship. I think a lot of me trying to fix things and not jump down his throat too much about it is because I feel guilty that I'm not bringing in any money myself right now. But regardless of who's bringing home the bacon, he's the one who fucked up and then lied to me about it so why am I the one picking up the pieces. Thanks again. You are right.

Everything was fine until I found out about his money problems

No OP everything wasn't fine - you just didn't know it wasn't fine.

Would you postpone the wedding at least? Or will you barrel along merrily, ignoring the massive warning signs?

Brutal now OP, where there's still a chance that you can change your future... or we can sob with you later on when it's all fucked up and you are in more mess than you ever thought possible.

You don't have to take anybody's advice, of course you don't, but if the posts here have given you pause to stop and think, then great. You'll find this is a very pro-women board and we are on your side - and that of your children. :)

Get some self respect. You deserve so much better than this useless man-baby.

Been there, lost the T-shirt too. I tried everything to make him grow up. He didn't try anything at all. That's why he's an ex. Good luck.

I feel guilty that I'm not bringing in any money myself right now

FFS you are bringing up your DC - work that both you and DP should value. I actually agree that you should get a job - not because being a SAHM to a baby isn't just as worthwhile as paid employment, but because you should not be financially dependent on your tosser DP. But stop undervaluing yourself.

The moment you gave up work to parent your DC, your resources should have been pooled. He should not be keeping you & DC on an allowance of £40 when he is on a good wage - that is highly controlling and borderline financial abuse.

Smiles for the DM photo.

I think this is your first post OP?

Sounds fucked up to me.

My xh was like this. We had bailiffs at the door when he moved in with me. It was a misunderstanding apparently
I nearly called the wedding off when he applied for credit cards but he talked me round.
Two years later he's up to his eyeballs in high interest debt when I found out. Frittered away. DVDs, computer games, cds, magazines. I'd sensibly kept finances separate and the mortgage came out of my account so the house was safe. I helped him sort out a loan with a sensible interest rate to pay off the high interest loans. We worked out a plan where I had his cards and got him his cash spending money each month.
The first week or two were fine. Then he spent everything by day 3 but he wanted to go out. He sulked and stormed and shouted. He blamed me. He reported his cards missing. Eight weeks later we separated and divorced rapidly. He told everyone that I was controlling and obsessed by money...
I didn't have dc with him thank God. I didn't let him spend my savings.
Don't marry him and think very carefully about leaving him.

He's been deceitful, he puts his needs before you and your DC, he buggers off for a week's jolly after admitting blowing your joint savings, he had £12k on unpaid bank charges, a PDL you had to pay off for him and his spending is out of control as well as him being happy for you to pay for everything for your DC while he fritters money on bugger all 😳

Fgs don't marry this loser, he's going to be a millstone round your neck for life. He doesn't respect you and clearly thinks you'll happily carry on bailing him out.

You can do so, so much better op. Don't deliberately set yourself up for misery.

My friend lost her home after marriage to a man like this. He had not been paying the mortgage and had never told her what debt they were in.

It is my first post. My friends and family are aware of this money situation and have mostly down played it and told me to work on the relationship. So I was after a non biased opinion. Seems I'm not stupid to be angry and questioning my relationship over money problems after all !!

The fact he had a £2k payday loan outstanding and had £10k at his disposal rings the first alarm bell. everyone knows that if you have money and you have debt then you pay off the Debt before anything else, so that should have been the first red flag right there.

He has spent around £2k a month for six months - what has he spent it on? I know people who can spend that kind of money but that's because they earn that kind of money, and they spend it on things like meals in exclusive restaurants, holidays in luxury resorts. But it would take even the most hardened spender to spend £2k a month and have nothing to show for it.

If you stay with him then this is your future. You won't get a mortgage with a history of severe debt. You will be renting for the rest of your life, and reliant on living on the goodwill of loan sharks if you stay a sahm. Get out now while you still know what kind of trouble your finances are in.

What is he doing to sort out his financial mess? Is he selling some of his shit belongings?

Why are you considering marrying someone so dishonest and can't be trusted? How did you not realise he was spending so much money - did you not have access to his bank account? There is no way I would be marrying someone who behaved like this. How are you paying for the wedding?

My ex was like this. Ran up around £20k worth of debt on fripperies. Had absolutely SFA to show for it. Was just general over spending and
thinking he shouldn't need to save or plan. This was all kept completely secret from me.
When he told me I took the same view as you OP that I should be supportive and work through it. I gave him thousands of pounds to pay towards his debts. He didn't appreciate it at all and would get annoyed with me if I asked for details of what was still left to pay.
I would think hard about whether he is really "working through it" with you or just taking you for a mug. I was definitely being taken for a mug.

Are you on mat leave then? REALLY hope you didn't jack in your job. I'd look at going back earlier and leaving this man. He will never, ever change. YOu will wind up with bailiffs, bankruptcy, on the street with your child. I'd end the joint account, too. That was a bad move.

I really do think it is possible to overspend and not have anything in particular to show for it. This was exactly my ex.

He's lied. He's broken your trust. How can you trust him again!