Dating thread 111- just waiting...

[Evilwater]

I know these threads have come in handy for many dipping their toes for the first time into OLD. So here we are again ... another 1000 posts down:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Read Why Men Love Bitches (aka WMLB), and take from it what you will. 12. Don't serve up moose burgers on the first date (although this is still in debate right now) 13. Matthew Hussey also very useful. And very easy on the eye even if you don't find him any good.

I think we're getting a bit hung up on the "rules" here. Anyone with a modicum of common sense would realise they are general ideas and hints to be taken and used as each individual sees fit....or not!
Apply according to your own wants, needs and opinions, they are all helpful in their own way but each one will apply more to some than others, most are valid points but again, surely common sense to stop if it's not fun, and try not to invest too soon? The Matthew Hussey stuff is also pretty useful, as is Amy Young. Not for everyone, but a shame to remove when thats been up there a year or so now? Maybe let's stop looking as the list as rules because clearly that was meant to be tongue in cheek, and let's not start hashing and rehashing because there are too many people to agree 100%. What one person takes offence to and would like removed, 5 other will have found useful and see no harm in. I'm here to support people, advise, listen and receive the same myself, can we carry on with doing that please!

What last said. I'm happy to ignore any rules that don't fit with me (haven't even read the books!)

But being able to point at the rules is useful when I'm OI or when it's nice to remind myself 'if it stops being fun, stop' etc etc.

And it's tradition. Lots of people hate brussel sprouts, but you still need them on christmas day

This week I'm walking a balance between being open to nice things happening, and not getting sucked in by a future faker. I'm hoping as long as I acknowledge the tension, and bear in mind that both outcomes are equally possible, I should get through it

So who has a date today? I can't remember the lady, but I know someone does! We need more loo updates

Also, just to be positive let's share any success stories of friends/colleagues etc who have found relationships from OLD. I have several!
One set of friends who met on Tinder, living together, been 2 years happy now
A friend who is very happy with a guy she met online, POF I think. They had a tricky start, live long distance, think 2 hours away and he bolted mid date and blocked her because he had a panic! Yet they have holidayed together and plan to move in this year!
3 good friends who have met really nice men on POF and TInder in the autumn. All very much say they are in love, around the 3/4 month mark.
2 ladies I know of, not such close friends but acquaintances both happy in more casual relationships with men for the last 6/9 months. OKC I think.

I'm with Lastnick, they've been highly useful as they are to many, me included. I'd suggest changing the words 'rule about' to 'suggestion from' in line one as that allows them to stay, but doesn't sound so prescriptive?

I think they help the logical side in our minds take some control when dating can be highly emotional. They helped me to understand that lots of people are in the same position with the same uncertainties.

I still pop in and read the thread as I don't know if there's longevity in my relationship (2mth) and there is some advice about new relationships that has helped me.

I have a date at 11am, feeling very nervous, first date after being with someone for almost a year. We are just meeting for coffee (I don't even drink coffee) but he knows I have the whole day free so I no excuse to disappear if all goes tits up. Not sure what to wear for a coffee date so have gone for a casual dress/tunic, tights and boots. I won't be able to update until later as I can't get into my mn account on my phone.

BTW Met mine on OKC, one I dated last summer was POF. There are sincere people out there.

Good luck love music
And your outfit sounds spot on

Hi all.
I do read this fab thread and occasionally post honest .
Anyway I have a date today !

Well fingers crossed I do .
I had to cancel with him before Christmas .
He then had to cancel on Thursday .
So ..... hopefully tonight's the night .

Been talking online for about 6 months !
I know ... I sort of ignored him for a while as life got too busy but he persisted and we really got talking this time .
Trying not very well not to get too hopeful iykwim.
He's not at all what I'd go for looks wise usually . Obviously looks after himself and is very toned etc .
He's a PE teacher so I guess he has to be .
He ticks almost every box though .
I'm very nervous .
No idea what to wear esp with excess Christmas lard to shift .
Nervous he'll cancel again .
Oh and he's 6'3 and 16 stone !
I'm 5"3

Oooh Tinkerbell exciting! He must be interested if you've been chatting all these months! So what have you decided to wear? Myself I never wear jeans when I'm feeling/looking fatter than usual. I have a couple of casual dresses that are very flattering! So where/what is your date?

I agree with last, regarding the rules. Oh, and I was determined not to meet anyone living with parents.........Mr 31 is back at his Mum's whilst he gets back on his feet financially!! I still think he's the best thing since sliced bread

Good luck to those on dates today!!

It's not ideal Mrs fluff but if everything else is great then doesn't have to be a deal breaker! I love your happy updates

Thanks last If he'd not contacted me, we would never have met - he was too young and living with Mum. He's working hard to turn his situation around though. He is funny, thoughtful, warm, friendly and IMHO gorgeous, which is just what I wanted!

Back from my date, he was lovely, kind, payed for coffee, we went for a walk and then went to the pub and played pool, we kissed a bit and he seemed to really like me but I didn't really feel the same back, I feel bad for letting him kiss me (guess I was hoping I would feel something), he's probably a really nice bloke but he didn't seem to have a passion for anything, he has a good job but didn't really want to talk about it, doesn't really have any hobbies and doesn't go out much. He kept talking about how he can't wait to cuddle up on the sofa with me in the evenings , although I love cuddling up on the sofa I feel it's something for people that have been in a relationship quite a while. I am quite a active person (gym, swimming, walking etc... ) and he is not, I didn't think that would bother me but it kind of does.

So the I have rearrange with the guy I was meant to be going out with today and I am meeting him next Sunday for a walk along the beach and a drink in a cosy pub, he's almost 5 years younger than me, I don't usually date younger men but hey ho, maybe I have been missing out on something.

Now how to brush off Mr nice who is already messaging asking when he can see me again, his keenness makes me want to run a mile

Lovemusic - pleased you had a good date, but the fact there was no spark is a bummer. But you need to be as honest as you can as quickly as you can. As long as you are sure. he sounds nice and maybe the lack of ambition and interest could have been a nerves thing.

However when this happened to me I just said that despite having a lovely time, I didn't feel the spark that I was looking for.

his reaction will speak volumes about him as a person. If he comes back and asks why you kissed him he is a jerk. if he accepts graciously then he really is Mr Nice.(but someone else's Mr Nice).

love and music I met a guy just like that in between my panic-attack and saying goodbye to my lovely guy, and getting back together with him.
This fella was really nice, well turned out, quite nice looking, decent steady job. But he was too keen, too nice, and had a habit of bobbling his head when telling a joke that I knew would drive me to murder eventually.
I did kiss him on the date, and it was a nice kiss. But I messaged him soon thereafter to say "sorry - no spark, but you're lovely & good luck x"

I usually give another chance and have a second date in these cases. I used to be firmly of the belief that if I didn't feel an instant attraction and big spark then that was it, I'd send a thanks but no thanks message and move on. But in recent months I've definitely changed opinion on this and have found a few times it can, and does grow the more you get to know them and as mentioned nerves play a big part in first dates so they may actually be quite different once relaxed. If someone is genuinely a nice guy and had loads of positives, that's such a rare thing (sadly)! I would personally see him again and keep chatting/getting to know one another

Twice I've had no physical attraction to a man whatsoever on first dates. I wasn't totally offended by their face either, just wasn't feeling any more than on the fence at best.
Kept chatting, stayed friendly for a few more weeks and as I got to know them, both times my feelings grew into a romantic level so by the time we had a second date which was a month later with one, a week or so with the other, it didn't really matter what they looked like as I was very much attracted to their personality. I snogged one, he was and amazing kisser and the fact he had a huge nose and was short didn't feature in my need to kiss him as much as possible! The other I would have taken things further but he friendzoned me just my experience!

I have been avoiding his texts and went out to visit family for a hour or so, got back to a message asking me if I wanted to take things further and did I feel a spark or was it just him?, I have replied saying 'I'm not sure if I really want to get into anything serious right now and I don't think I am ready for the type of relationship he is looking for', this is the part of online dating I hate . I always worry before a date that they won't like me, that I won't be what they are expecting, I don't really think a lot of myself and I hate disappointment, anyway most of the dates I have been on ( well 9 out of 10 ) the date has felt a spark with me but I haven't felt anything, I am quite a easy going person, happy to talk to anyone and tend to say the right things, I tend to go along with the kissing on a first date but then I get home and think 'I didn't really feel anything', then I feel guilty. He seems like a really nice guy but just a tad boring for me, I don't feel we could share hobbies at the weekends, we would just end up vegging out on the sofa getting fat and that's not me.

I feel kind of disappointed as I was hoping there would be a spark and that we would have more in common.

Right time to move on and concentrate on the next one which is a lot more relaxed, no pressure at all from him so I won't feel as guilty if I don't feel a spark, I think we will end up being friends anyway as we have so much in common.

And isn't it always Sod's law that the really decent and nice guys who you so wish you could fancy because they would probably make lovely partners, and oh it takes ages to find a good one but you just don't feel a thing. And yet the idiot who you just know is unsuitable, or flakey, or non commital etc etc is always the one you are swooning over despite knowing better!

Well, I'm sorry but we were all wrong - my date wasn't ghosting me. He wasn't cowardly/crual/self centred/lazy/ill mannered/ignorant/being a twat.

He was practising his guitar! Of course! Clearly you can't fire off a quick text if you're playing your guitar for 72 hours straight - your fingers would be far too tired

He actually said he'd not contacted you for three whole days because he was playing his guitar?

Bad boy syndrome....the ones who are unsuitable partners make the most exciting dates. it depends what you are looking for I guess.

I am feeling some distance being created by my iron. He is admittedly very busy right now - but the ups and downs in communication do get to me.I think I want to arrange another date with him. But it might be at least a week away due to his schedule. Our current communication feels unsatisfactory to me. I need to tell him so.

But then he still chats to me every night before sleep and is apologetic for not being in touch. But I can send a message (knowing he is not working) and he will take hours to respond or even bother reading it.

Oh and just found out my ex husband (of 18 years) is in a new serious relationship after less than 4 months being apart.

Tess....what an idiot. My husband was guitar obsessed too, but still managed to talk to me.

My response might be that you are not going to let him play you like a guitar.

remember what a fantastic response! I wasn't going to respond, but think I might give it a few hours and then say that.

bant - yes, that's a direct quote. Not even a quick sorry.

Although I was upset as I liked him, it was the ghosting after 7 weeks of getting to know each other that really got to me.

I wish he hadn't got back to me because I'm annoyed now - he must think I'm a complete fool if he thinks I'm just going to accept whatever crumbs he throws at me.

Although I spelt cruel wrong in my last post so clearly I am a bit of an idiot