Dating thread 111- just waiting...

[Evilwater]

I know these threads have come in handy for many dipping their toes for the first time into OLD. So here we are again ... another 1000 posts down:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Read Why Men Love Bitches (aka WMLB), and take from it what you will. 12. Don't serve up moose burgers on the first date (although this is still in debate right now) 13. Matthew Hussey also very useful. And very easy on the eye even if you don't find him any good.

I totally agree that a lack of messages is sending a "message" in one way or another. What I don't get is why us women seem to be on the defensive end of this process.
If they fail to send a message, we feel we must mirror their behaviour. But if we send an unwanted message, they don't mirror our behaviour, they go the opposite way and send fewer.
The result is that we end up look needy and sad and they end up looking mean and uncaring. But it is all remedied by being honest.
What would be so wrong with simply saying "please let me know if I am messaging you too often and I will let you know if I am not hearing from you often enough"
Surely there is a middle ground.
I have tried this approach with my iron. As we have settled on friends I pointed out that I might be guilty of random messages when bored or feeling like I need a friend. But I also said that if he gets irritated by it just to say. I am not going to be offended. As grownups we should be able to do this.
I feel much less anxious by a lack of messaging when he has messaged me this morning saying "Can we chat about this when I get home this evening?". I don't need any more than that. But I also ask that I am not ignored totally. it takes seconds to send a quick talk later message and makes such a huge difference to a persons day.
If you messaging partner doesn't understand that it makes sense to point it out.
If I start messaging someone new I am making it an upfront thing to say. "If you don't want to talk to me right now, please let me know". Courtesy in messages is the same as in real life and it doesn't bode well if they are plain rude.

last mr13 sounds lovely!!!

mrsfluff he is too!
I noticed that we both have the same numbers in our iron names. 3 and 1...Seems a good omen so far!

ppl hello
I have been reading you as always even if I didnt post as I have no resumed OLD. Tried for a couple of days but, naaaah... my heart, or head, or lowers bits for what it matters, are not in it as yet. Kind of forgotten about any one I was talking to in 2016 with the exception of Cutie who I have seen a few times but I think I am done with it. He may know it already as he is not dim, in any case I feel I have seen enough.
Should he contact me I may well ghost, for once, unless he asks questions which show me he is aware why I have moved on. Dear me it does sounds convoluted, sorry...

Who's having dates tonight ??? Sending positive vibes out :-)

Yesterday or the day before I read a tread by a name changer about lack of piv sex, it had lots of responses and I was dying to make a point as no one seemed to come up with the same suggestion, but MN is really bad on my phone so I was going to do that from home PC... then the Topic has gone?!?!

It does indeed last Mr 31 was here last night and he's back again tonight - the bed feels empty when he's not here . My daughter met his Mum today and we also met his dad and step-up for the first time. It all seems to be going very well!

So guilty of over investing in the past. Bant's "rules" seem interesting. However I am impatient at the best of times! Hope any dates planned for this week go well.

#NotMyRules

Suggestions...

Good luck to anyone on dates tonight, I'm getting nervous about meeting mr nice tomorrow.

No good tips on not over investing as I'm guilty of doing it ( over and over again ), I'm just doing my best to hold back a bit this time

Ok, we've had a request to add a 'tip' to the thread rules.

'Do not date men still living with their mother. No matter how good a reason they came up with'

This is one I think most of us can agree with?

Anyone want to make any other suggestions? Changes?

Personally I don't think that reading those books should be a rule.

Don't talk about the thread though - there's a good reason for that. (Someone did, she got stalked)
Over investment and thick skin, ditto.
Shall we rewrite them?

'Do not date men still living with their mother. No matter how good a reason they came up with'

Well, surely there is a difference between say a guy who moves home to look after elderly or sick parents then a 45 year old that has never left the family home.
I know, of couples whom have moved into family homes in the hope of saving deposits for a house if they happened to be single would they also be unworthy of dates.

I think you can argue the case, and there are always exceptions, but generally (especially for younger people) it's a good rule.

Also - do not date someone still sharing a house with their 'ex'

That's never worked out well. Not once, that I've seen here. Either because they're not actually exes or because they're branch swingers or emotionally involved.

Here in lies the problems with setting up rules they keep getting added too till such a point you start adding in personal preferences as opposed to suggestions. I think you should be removing them not adding anymore.

I moved in with my my sick mum, incidentally, to look after her while I was sorting out a live in carer.

But I wasn't in a good place for dating. Especially given that no woman could ever come round to mine, as there would be an old paranoid woman hallucinating.

I think people should date someone who is independent, even if they have dependants?

Surely, common sense suggests dating someone living with an Ex may just be difficult, do we really need a rule now for that too!

Then feel free to suggest a set of rules/tips/suggestions, ciao

Believe me, they proved useful to many people. They're worth keeping. But they're not scripture. Suggest some changes

Agreed, I don't agree it need to be a rule.

I did, I suggest you do not add any rules around dating preferences such as mentioned up thread also 11 & 13 could be removed too.

So get rid of 11-13?

I would say yes, delete, Bant
My suggestion would be
take each date as potentially the only date / last date
and, considering how frequent ghosting is, at the first sign of pace (of contact) change... GHOST ! Ghost first and see what happens

too cruel ? ;-)

I think a reminder to always be honest about what you want as soon as possible. this avoids investment followed by disappointment on both sides.

I mean, when you update the rules delete 11 & 13, i think any new rules suggested should apply to both sexes equally.

I agree with that Ciao...applying to both sexes equally.

Well, I'd agree with removing rules 11-13, as the first 10 are about how not to get hurt, rather than how to behave whilst dating.

Some people want to DTD on the first date - that's all they're doing it for, not a relationship.

I don't think the rules should be telling people how to behave, just how to be prepared for the horrors of online dating.