Dating thread 111- just waiting...

[Evilwater]

I know these threads have come in handy for many dipping their toes for the first time into OLD. So here we are again ... another 1000 posts down:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Read Why Men Love Bitches (aka WMLB), and take from it what you will. 12. Don't serve up moose burgers on the first date (although this is still in debate right now) 13. Matthew Hussey also very useful. And very easy on the eye even if you don't find him any good.

Brittanyfairies I know what you mean. It would be nice to meet someone without having to shift out all the weirdos first. I like being single most of the time but sometimes I would like to just have someone go out with occasionally.
I've been on Tinder for about a week now & finding it hard work sometimes. Have been chatting with Mr Smooth and agreed to meet for drinks on Saturday. Had sorted out roughly where but not the exact pub. Spent a couple of hours last night texting each other and things were getting quite flirty. He finished by saying how much he was looking forward to meeting me.
Today I look and he's gone! Has unmatched me. Didn't see that coming.

I feel the same Brittney, I have had to cancel my date for today with mr nice as I have a ill dc, I have brushed off one of the others as he was just too pushy, continueslly messaging and planning our future together. I get quite a few messages from weirdos and people just looking for sex, its like looking for a needle in a heystack, I am temped to cancel my account and give up. I will meet up with my nice and just see what happens.

My third date with Mr Adventurer is looming tomorrow. Due to distance, he is visiting me. It's been a while since I made it to a third date - any tips/advice/warnings ????

hello everyone! a while since I joined in... just been dabbling my foot into OLD, my first month is now done!

just wondered who has experience of chatting to people in a quite deep / meaningful (friendly but not over friendly) way then them just not replying all of a sudden?

i've had a couple of guys i was chatting to and meant to be meeting up with just stop messaging back, I haven't chased or put pressure... but we'd planned to meet in due course.

it was weird, i read back all my messages, I didn't overshare (at least no more than they did), was friendly and upbeat and didn't contact them too frequently

it was weird cause they were saying they were looking forward to meeting up and the messages we seemed to be hitting it off in a friendly and personal way...

so for them to suddenly ignore me is a bit weird! I don't mind if they're not interested but at least a message to me to say they've met someone or not interested would be appreciated... !?

re-read the rules, I know, I know, I should develop more of a thick skin...

OLD is weird!!

Hello NoBloodyMore! (I'm wondering who you were?). I've just namechanged back for this thread but did post about him a little bit. How stupid were we taking them back?

I'm in the same situation with someone. We've spoken loads and I really like him but haven't actually met yet. It's quite hard not to get over invested, but I'm trying to keep my feet on the ground this time. I wouldn't mind a fling actually, but not sure I can do that without getting emotionally involved. I'm worried I just won't fancy him when I meet him!

Sprinkle I think that happens a lot - you just have to get used to it. Everyone is talking to lots of different people at once and they prioritise different people at different times. I'm guilty of it as well actually.

lovemusic sorry you had to cancel your date.

bernie apparently (not sure where I read this), the third date is the world wide average for dtd. Just saying...

runnymummy sorry you got unmatched -again I think that's v common. Just get lots of irons on the go and it's less painful. (rules 2,3,4 and6!)

Reading the threads about ghosting / suddenly dropping out makes me wonder if these are bored but attached men. They may never actually intend to meet-up but love the thrill of the chase and proof that they still 'have it'. I was writing to about 10 men when I started to see my iron. Some disappeared for days at a time only to be keen on other days. I'd look out for general consistency and ability to meet in person.

Maybe some of them are, but .. also.. That's just online dating. You have a conversation with someone, it's okay. You have a conversation with someone else at the same time, it's better. So you focus your attention more on the better one,

I know women have trailed off or disappeared in an ongoing chat with me. I've done it to others.

If you were at a pub or a party, chatting to someone vaguely or very interesting, the conversation would either end up with a goodnight and promise to contact again - or a snog or more. Or it may end up with one of you being rescued by a friend or hiding in the loo.

But if both of you are chatting to multiple people, then having one conversation tail off isn't that weird, is it? And you can always pick up again, say you were busy, when actually you were talking to someone else who disappeared on you.

I can't do conversations with more than one person at a time. Too difficult to remember who I told what to, or who told me what, so I'd end up repeating myself.

Lilac, I think you are right, and women do it too, I am guilty of doing it, this week I have chatted to 4 men, over the past 2 days I have realised which one I like the most so have eased off messaging the others, one has got a bit annoyed about it. I struggle to talk to more than one but I kind of like to keep my options open and I like the chit chat as it gives me something to do in the evenings when I'm lonely.

So, rearranged date with mr nice for Sunday but I already had a date lined up for Sunday, I have had to tell a little lie to cancel as I want to meat mr nice instead but don't want to brush off the other one in case mr nice turns out to not be so nice.

Ghosting only too real

Been talking to someone for six weeks. Met once and all fine. Conversations then became very sexual, on both sides. Felt like we were on the same page with a slightly off centre approach to the physical side. Shared photos and thoughts and everything. Also shared home and work stuff, everything really.

Met for a few hours last night and he sent a thumbs up emoji when I suggested meeting again.

Since then - nothing. I have quadrupled texted, because I saw a couple of shared things and we always texted when we wanted to before, no rules.

Now sunk in I've been ghosted. Can see he's on WhatsApp but not read my messages, which weren't needy in the slightest as I didn't dream he would do this.

Now thinking it's because I said I wouldn't commit to anything physical until I'd established we had a connection. He agreed, said we'd 'go with the flow'. But obviously not.

Been ghosted several times before but I am ridiculously upset about this one

Tess - you're overinvesting though. You only met once, no promises made (who the hell sends a thumbs up emoji?) and you haven't DTD.

I think it's only classed as 'ghosting' when you've made promises and/or slept with each other. As it is, you just have different priorities and he doesn't want to say so.

It's still shitty though.

So due to meet for 3rd date tomorrow evening but can see he has been logging into Tinder in different locations (mileage changes) even though he had said he hadn't been on.
Red Flag? Or am I over investing and worrying too soon as only 3rd date? I've gone from being totally calm about it all to becoming a bit of a stalker I think. I need some sane advice? Anyone please??
Christ I hate OLD! 😟

We actually met twice, though I appreciate that hardly makes a difference. And I know you're right bant but honestly, we'd shared everything.

The worst part is that I blew hot and cold as the conversations became sexual and I couldn't decide what I wanted. I just wish I thought it through and jumped in with both feet. Nothing to lose really, and I'd rather be sad over an actual thing that didn't work than something that didn't work because I held back.

We actually met twice, though I appreciate that hardly makes a difference. And I know you're right bant but honestly, we'd shared everything.

The worst part is that I blew hot and cold as the conversations became sexual and I couldn't decide what I wanted. I just wish I thought it through and jumped in with both feet. Nothing to lose really, and I'd rather be sad over an actual thing that didn't work than something that didn't work because I held back.

I think a lot of the time men don't see online sexual activity as being all that important. But actually, for women it might be quite different. You have to be very open and revealing about yourself, your likes and dislikes and so on. It is a big step I think and it makes the relationship feel more important than maybe they think it is.

To be ghosted after that is actually pretty crappy. I think that sexual activity online constitutes a date. Its different, but it is not unimportant.

My iron has blown hot and cold and is currently hot again. I am going with the flow because it feels good to me right now. It might be entirely wrong, but our connection is important to me. I just wonder where it is all going to go. Seems to be leaning towards the FWB at the moment. We could have dtd today but I said no. I am still not sure.

We do fancy each other a lot though.

I agree totally remember - it feels almost more personal than actually dtd because we'd shared so much.

I am so shocked he did it. I'm not naive, I understand OLD and the rules - been doing it over a year - I just can't believe he could keep up a consistent campaign of messaging me over weeks only to ghost me. He was a lovely, attractive guy. Why spend the time on one person? He said there was only me, but I guess I could be wrong about that too.

Tess, if he couldn't wait for you to be ready then he's not the sort of bloke you want. Don't beat yourself up about it. If your looking for a relationship then there should be no pressure to dtd. I have set myself rules this time as last time I was OLD I tended to jump in feet first. This time I refuse to talk sex until we have met and not DTD until at least 3rd date, I tend to feel pressured into DTD and in the past have done it on first date, none of these blokes wanted anything more than sex.

I think OLD is hard work, it is game playing and you need to be pretty tough, one minute a man is really into you, telling you what you want to hear, the next he has vanished ( probably moved on to someone else ).

Well, in my case, I've found out that if I sleep with someone by date 3, I tend to go off them afterwards. It's not intentional, but .. If I meet them and they're interesting and funny and attractive, then I want to see them again. Usually (but not always) they want to see me again. And then after the second date I find out if I like them, if they're rude to the waitress or racist or something. And the third date I find out if I might actually want a relationship.

This is where I've got into trouble in the past. Because on the third date, it's almost traditional to sleep together, these days. And it's then that they get weird. Clingy. Needy. Suddenly complaining because I haven't messaged them first thing in the morning. And I go off them because of that. They'd seemed really fun and interesting and sexy and a good kisser.

So now I try to not kiss until the third date. No sex until the fifth or so. By that time I'm actually very interested, not chatting to any other irons, and smitten by the woman I'm with.

That's been my way for three years or so now. Two of those years in a relationship. It's worked for me.

Oh Bant that sounds more like moose hunting than KFC

I like your timeline. I think that would work for me too. I just need to find someone who mutually wants a second date to test the theory!

I know I sound like a broken record but I still can't believe this guy could treat me this way.

Over six weeks of sharing private thoughts and hopes and worries and then just to ghost me.

I probably was OI but it's not that - it's the cruelness of ghosting. I realise the success of OLD is minimal and I hadn't pinned my hopes on a relationship - well not straight away - but I had thought we'd started to build something.

To just be ignored this way hurts like crazy. I'm not likening it to a LTR failing or any other of the tragic situations you read on MN but I'm still in shock that it can have ended like this. I just didn't see it coming at all. I feel complete empty, like a light has been extinguished.

It's not the fact that we didn't 'work', it's the harshness of the ghosting that has really got to me.

Please - tell me not to contact him and tell him how his actions - or lack of them - have made me feel. I know I need to leave it now but the urge to fire off a message on WhatsApp is strong. Not that he'll read it, or reply

Don't do it Tess

I found it helpful to re-read my whole text conversation, and realise that although at the time it felt quite intense, it only took 30 mins to read.

So although initially it had felt really deep, actually 30 mins of conversation is pretty short...

I'm not sure if that will help you, but I found it really useful after my ghosting...

Do not contact him, move on and leg go, I know it's hard, been there many times. I met a guy last time, we met up a couple times, messaged all the time, talked about all sorts of things, he then came to my house to see me before I went on holiday and promised to phone the next day to see me one more time before I went, next day no response to my messages, I went on holiday feeling pretty upset and confused but decided not to keep messaging and just ignore and move on. 3 months later he messaged me to say 'sorry, things have been really busy, how are you?' I told him to 'f*ck off' . Has happened so many times but I still can't help getting too involved too quickly.
Mr nice messages me a lot, I am worried it's getting a bit intense and he's pinning everything on us meeting tomorrow, I do like him, he looks nice, we chat about normal things, he hasn't sent me any rude photos and doesn't talk sex but it kind of feels like we know too much about each other before actually meeting, haven't got a clue what we will find to talk about tomorrow. I am really nervous but secretly very excited but I don't want to get my hopes up and I don't want to jump in thinking that he is who he says he is. He could quite easily disappear after tomorrow.

Don't do it Tess. Similar to you I was happily with mrmountainbike at the beginning of the week. 6 weeks chatting, 6 weeks dating ... No ghosting ... But it's ended out of the blue, he panicked about the distance ... We chatted it through ... I'm not begging though ... I went straight back on Tinder .. It's been a strange week ... And I miss him a lot ... But I'm not looking back and I'm actually now chatting to some nice men so who knows ... His lost is how I see it now!!

Chin up and move forward.

As others have said tess don't do it! Ignore him, get back swiping and keep busy. He will most likely return when he's bored or finished what he's doing, as with what happened to love music and myself a few times and actually most of us who've been ghosted can testify!
I was stood up once, on date 4 after loads of great chat and 3 seemingly good dates. He just disappeared, no reason, no messages, nothing. 5 months later up he pops, whatsapp me all hey how are you? I chatted with him, purely for my own curiosity just to get some answers and put it to rest in my own head. Then when I realised he was a knob, didn't realise or care how much it had actually confused and hurt me I blocked him. More recently, I had 2 dates with mrunsuitable had mooseburgers, he then ignored me for 3 weeks after. Which to be honest I'd expected. I knew he'd come back when bored again, but I'm not a placefiller or fallback girl so I've had great pleasure in totally ignoring his messages...of which there have been several! Oh how funny he was too busy to send one text for 3 weeks now suddenly he can send 2 in a row for the last 3/4 days

wingle take note too, he will be back! I'm pretty sure about this! But even careful who you precious time and emotions to, find someone worthy

Also on this topic, it's absolutely true that people will message when they actually want to. Nobody is too busy to send the odd one line or reply to one of yours saying "just doing xyz, will reply properly later x"

If someone wants to be in contact with you they will. If they don't message for days on end claiming to be busy the brutal truth is that they are not fussed enough to make the effort so let's not make excuses for people!

My lovely mr13 is currently on holiday. Snowboarding. Up a mountain. Yet he's managed to send me a whatsapp every few hours, just to let me know he's alive and still thinking of me. Just a kissing emoji, or a photo of the snow, or even just xxx, but seriously if he can find the time and inclination through multiple layers of gloves and padding, in those circumstances then, don't tell me these men who are working etc, can't find 30 seconds to just say "Hi! Catch up later?"