Dating thread 111- just waiting...

[Evilwater]

I know these threads have come in handy for many dipping their toes for the first time into OLD. So here we are again ... another 1000 posts down:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Read Why Men Love Bitches (aka WMLB), and take from it what you will. 12. Don't serve up moose burgers on the first date (although this is still in debate right now) 13. Matthew Hussey also very useful. And very easy on the eye even if you don't find him any good.

I've been following this thread avidly since I started OLD a few months ago (for the second time after a six month relationship starting from OLD).

It has some really interesting and helpful points but I'm beginning to wonder if we are setting ourselves up to fail so to speak with all the 'rules'.

I've been on a few dates and followed most of the rules but it made me so paranoid, like I was expecting them to disappear so I put less effort it etc... we are all so different, meeting different men with different expectations. What is wrong in bein hints and saying that you like spending time with someone?

For example Baklava is asking is date three too much the day after date 2, I truly believe only Baklava can answer that, Do you want to go?

Happy New Year, everyone! Welcome to all the newbies.

BaklavaBalaclava If he has suggested the day after and you're free, why not? If it's you doing the suggesting, maybe wait a bit... But watch out for the expectations of date number three.

Was hoping there would be a rush of new eligible men joining OLD in my area with the New Year, but I haven't seen any...

Chucklecheeks Which rules do you think need to be dropped?

Well the rules are there because a couple of years back a bunch of thread members decided to write down what they'd all agreed were sensible.

A thick skin is needed, people will ghost you and be weird, because that's the way of people, especially in the online dating world when there is no punishment for weird behaviour.

I don't agree with 'read WMLB' etc being rules, as that's just a philosophical approach, and doesn't necessarily work for some.

Maybe they need revamping. The only 'rule' I'd say needs to be kept is No dating the thread. Everything else is advice, reassurance, and opinion.

A little update from me on Mr 31. We've spent lots of time together over Christmas and NY. In fact NY was spent at he's friend's and he made sure to include my daughter. He's so not what I would have chosen, in fact he goes against all my requirements on Match. However, I adore him and feel safe and happy with him. He seems to very much feel the same ( he's so ready talking about next NY!). We've met each others family and he's met most of my friends.
We went clothes shopping for shirts yesterday snd I swooned when he came out of thr changing room - I honestly can't believe I pulled such a Hotty, who is lovely!! So, I'll be sticking with him

I think it's the term 'rule' that I have an issue with. It's my issue, I accept that.

Surely they are more personal observations etc than a rule as it can't be the same for everyone?

I made myself a promise when starting OLD that I would just see how it went, no expectations, no hard rules/way of doing things but that I should be honest about how I felt.

Each person is different.

'Tips' rather than 'rules'?

mrs fluff your update is so lovely to read! How long have you been dating for now? Isn't it funny when the ones you least expect turn out to be amazing! Please keep on letting us know how it's going, we need postitive stories amidst the disheartening stuff.

chuckle the word rules is probably a little strong, but not meant to be taken as gospel. Honestly they are extremely useful and valid points, having been OLD for a year or 2 on and off, I can tell you they've all been relevenat to me at one time or another and at times I've found it useful to re read them and give myself a reality check! But obviously doesn't work for everyone

In other news, date 4 with mr13 last night was SO good! Definitely smitten, he's lovely from what I've seen so far and I'm feeling really positive about this one!

mrsfluff I agree with last, so lovely to hear your updates. Really pleased to hear you're having such a fab time.

pringle good to 'see' you again! I'm telling myself these new irons need a few days to recover from NYE before making an appearance online- fingers crossed.

Well I had a message from a decent looking new iron last night. I replied saying I was heading to bed as v tired from NYE and hoped to chat today. Woke to a reply with his phone number saying he'd love to take me out but then he's also deleted his profile. Does that scream married man to you guys?

Well an update on Mr No commitment- don't worry, I'm not rekindling that! I never replied after he pulled out on Friday. Last night I received a long message from him. When I ended things a few months ago, it was actually after him ghosting me. I think part of what I've been struggling with is the need for closure. I'd also tortured myself with the idea that he was happily going about his life having fun whilst I was moping about him. Anyway, his message was really insightful and helpful ( though I'm not going to tell him that!). He explained he'd been suffering from depression, he was struggling to maintain enthusiasm for anything and it had made him really anti social. He said he liked me but just couldn't make a relationship work ( with me or anyone) when he was like this as he is struggling to function outside work/kids. He said he had really wanted to meet me again but then panicked as the 'date' was approaching because he knew he couldn't offer me anything. Perhaps it's mean of me but I felt so much better for knowing he'd had a miserable few months (albeit for different reasons!). I do also feel more of a sense of closure/understanding. So a good start to the New Year in that respect!

last that's brilliant!!!!

Thank you last. We've been seeing each other for just over 2 months. We're off on holiday in Feb, so that'll be a good test

I'm so pleased that date number for went well - things are looking good with mr13!

Thanks Claw. It sounds like you've got the closure you needed and you 'sound' much more positive this morning!

I'm really pleased for you claw.

That's great that you feel closure now. I'm going to try to steal some of your closure and draw a line under my ghosting too!

I know there are no rules as such, but I really appreciate getting other peoples feedback. New iron is v keen (total oi monster). Would be good to hear other peoples experiences of dealing with the super keen. I don't get red flags vibe from him, think he is just v lonely....

Oooh I love reading the little successes on here fluff and last. Makes me very hopeful!
I have also found the rules very useful, as last said, based on a OLD on and off over the past couple of years and they are a helpful reminder of what things can be like. They stop me from getting too carried away,

Not much to report, more messaging yesterday and both of us looking forward to next weekend.

BaklavaBalaclava lovely to see he is keen, however (personally) I could not handle "intense", I know I would not have the time for seeing someone 3 nights in a raw (going forward) so I would want to be reassure that if I say thanks but can't do tonight he would be still kind and not tantrum=prone iyswim - Not suggesting you should not go out if you have time, but I have seen a different side of the person in the past when I genuinely couldn't make it even if I was as keen (childcare issues mainly)

I agree, it is really hard to balance keen with nonchalant. My messaging with my iron has slowed down considerably and it has thrown me a little. messaging isn't really a normal way to communicate and so you find yourself checking for messages, seeing if they have been online, wondering if you worded something wrong or if they will ever get back to you.

In the first couple of weeks were were talking constantly back and forth all day - even when he was working.Now it is a good chat in the evening and one or two messages during the day. usually a good morning message too.

But I am finding myself reading too much into it. it is really frustrating. I hate playing games and I am not going to not message him because that is how dating gurus tell you to act. I am always going to act how I feel I want to. if I want to talk to him I will tell him - but i wonder if that is a refreshing approach or if it seems really needy. If that is a turn off for him, does that just mean he isn't right for me and he doesn't meet my needs.

To be fair, he has never said that it is too much. but he will just not reply until he wants to. Which i am totally ok with.

I would rather just talk on the phone to be honest. but can't as my daughter is around.

Whatsapp is a relationship nightmare I think.

Clawdeen. well done looks like you are over Mr no Commitment.
May not be that your new iron is not married. Who knows?
I have blocked my Mr no commitment on whats app as fed up with keep checking my messages and nothing there.
Feel much better for doing that. I am having a break from OLD as need to recover mentally.

What's the general consensus on virtual mooseburgers?? 😃😃

Telephone or virtual mooseburgers were both OK with me

I have a date tonight, at 8!
I have hairdye on now

This is date 8 after a 6 month hiatus due to my not have if a clear head-head sorted and off we go, I'm treating it as a first first date-he is lovely, very kind, handsome, possibly a bit quiet but with hints of quirk there too.

Eeep!

Are there any dating/friendship sights where people are looking for friends rather than sex buddies and serious relationships?

I have just come out of a shit relationship, I'm struggling being on my own but I don't want to be pressured into another serious relationship, I'm not really looking for casual sex either, more friendship with the possibility of a relationship. I re joined POF as I last time I was on there a lot of people just wanted to chat, I kind of forgot about those pushy men that straight away want your number and before you know it they are sending cock photos .
So far I have talked to 5 men, one seemed nice at first, I explained my situation and he seemed fine but now he's being pushy, asking to meet for dinner and hinting at more, this has put me off and I probably won't meet him. Another who is quite local, seems lovely, we share a lot of interests, he's a bit shy, we might meet up for a drink. Another who just wanted so 'kinky fun' who I have ignored, one that had finished completely and now I'm talking to a man who is younger than me ( never dated anyone younger ), he seems really sweet and seems to be looking for friends, we share a lot of interests and he's a deep thinker.

Im not in the right state of mind to meet up with a pushy man so mr pushy won't be meeting me for dinner.

Ideally I would like a gay man that likes cuddling on the sofa and watching eastenders .

lovemusic meetup is good for general going out and doing stuff

Yeah Meetup.com is okay to find new friends or people to socialise with.

My guy told me he loved me on NYE. I burst into tears and cried like a loon. He probably thinks I'm mad now 😣