Dating thread 111- just waiting...

[Evilwater]

I know these threads have come in handy for many dipping their toes for the first time into OLD. So here we are again ... another 1000 posts down:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Read Why Men Love Bitches (aka WMLB), and take from it what you will. 12. Don't serve up moose burgers on the first date (although this is still in debate right now) 13. Matthew Hussey also very useful. And very easy on the eye even if you don't find him any good.

Happy Christmas everyone!

Merry Christmas all!!

Am lurker here.

Ready to start OLD in the New Year, but have been picking up tips from you lot in the meantime and now feel I know you all!

Merry Christmas to you!!! Will be back in the new year!

Happy Saturnalia (and Christmas) to all

Happy Christmas! Cheers everyone 🍷

Merry Christmas!
Having had a (mostly) lovely day with the DCs I went to a Christmas party and had a few too many , came over all maudlin and went and whatsapped mr no commitment . I was coming up for 2 months NC ( other than having to pass him once a week on the school run). I feel totally embarrassed as I'm sure he's thinking wtf? and that I've made myself look a bit needy/lonely/desperate. Definitely need to lay off the , I was only posting yesterday on the 'sex only, no relationship' thread to say how painful and difficult that was. Not sure why I tried to open that door again, other than it would be nice to snuggle up to a man ( though my head is screaming not that man!)

You're human Clawdeen. You have good intentions and flounder from time to time. Please be kind to yourself. I understand, and I'm sure many others will to.

Are you ok?

Just thought I'd share an experience I've had today. I friend-zoned a man I dated through OLD around the start of Nov as we weren't longterm compatible and I've just seen photos on FB of him in a relationship (we're friends I didn't stalk, honest). I'm really happy for him as I wish him well and they look close. Lots of "I love you babe" type messages, and selfies. Really not me, but very much him.

My point is that sometimes it doesn’t feel right because it just isn't, and it's worth carrying on and finding someone similar. My current iron and I sometimes don't message each other for most of a day and he won't be getting lovey-dovey messages from me. We're much more blunt. No guarantees it will last, but I don't regret trying again.

Lets drink to that lilac :-)

Clawdeen oh well, we all send and receive those time of msg sometime (the late night tipsy jolly -horny- type) don't beat yourself up for it

and happy holiday everyone

Thank you this and boxing. You've made me feel less ridiculous. I've had much stronger urges to contact him previously and managed not to. But Christmas just seems to have hit me hard ( despite it being the 7th Christmas as a lone parent- you think I'd be used to it!). I guess he offered my first reminder of being with someone again and now I've had a taster, it's made me really want it ( a relationship rather than him per se) whereas previously I'd been feeling 'OK' on my own as I'd sort of discounted ever having a partner again. I do feel a bit better this morning- the hangover is numbing most things! He replied to my message and seemed to take it on face value as a Christmas greeting rather than the embarrassing ramblings of a drunken woman. Just need to leave it at that and not get sucked back in.

lilac thanks for your post, that's helpful to hear.

Merry Christmas all. I hope everyone had a lovely day and enjoyed their family time (whether a date was involved or not!).

Don't worry about drunken messages as you are about to read i have done the same...

I have had a development or two. My iron who rejected me a few days ago has kind of come back. I sent him a christmas best wishes text...all fine. Then i went out xmas eve and got a little drunk and sent another message. made it clear I didn't expect a response. But he did respond and we have been in constant contact since.

But he has made it clear a relationship with me is out of the question. I am only 6 months out of my marriage - that's OK with me. But he is reticent as he is looking for something more.

This is confusing for me as he tells me that I am the only person he is in contact with.

We still haven't met and he doesn't seem keen to. But I am feeling good at a time I need it.

I suspect I am kidding myself, but I am happy to go along for the ride for a while. We have a very good sexual chemistry...sorry TMI.

At this start of my single journey this feels like it is probably the better approach.

I suggested a friends with benefits option but he wasn't keen on that either. he prefers the "remote" option...is this common behaviour? I thought most men would jump at an offer like that...

Rememberthetime my photographer, who has been a constant and yet discrete presence in my life since August until we got together in November, also told me he wanted us to have a no strings attached thing. He lives an hour away and believed it was important for us to be happy apart and happy together iyswim. A month later he admitted he was falling for me and that his no strings attached theory was ridiculous. Now I've broken things off with him (temporarily?) because I am afraid of the feelings that have progressed between us and also because it's been going so fast, on his side more so, I think. I'm telling you all this because sometimes someone saying they don't want a relationship is not a hard and fast rule.

I hope that helps.

Well... he is not saying he doesn't want a relationship he doesn't even want to meet IRL - sounds like either unavailable or with some huge issue about real intimacy. Have fun with remote burgers but look elsewhere for next stage

You are probably right Boxing..I think there are some issues there. but happy to play along for now and see where it takes us. I am getting some good practice in at least.

thanks for the advice, ladies and gents. Merry christmas!

Oh dear, I'm struggling with this getting back into the dating scene. I go from being euphoric that someone has liked the look of my photo and profile enough to chat to me and ask me out on a date, to suddenly thinking what the hell am I doing?

Tonight one of the guys I've been chatting with over the last couple of days emailed to ask if I'd had a good Christmas, fine. I answered and asked him how his Christmas had been and he said it was good, but the best present he's received was me. It's completely freaked me out, I just found it too full on, we've only been chatting for two days and haven't met in person. I replied I'd hoped he had something better than that and when he asked why, I explained that I'd found the sentiment a bit strong. So got a message back saying it was a joke, a flirt. I explained being British I'm very reserved without a glass of wine in my hand and it seems okay. But I'm a bloody nutter aren't I?

I was married for 20 years, my husband was emotionally abusive, whilst a confident person on the surface, I think I have low self-esteem about my looks, personality, everything. My ex made me feel completely shit about myself, I stopped making an effort with everything. BUT, we've been separated/divorced for four and a half years and I'm really happy with my life. I don't need a man in it, I just want some fun, but I'm actually finding the full on attention and compliments from these French guys really hard to handle. I'm a bloody weirdo aren't I? I've got my first date in 25 years tomorrow night, with one guy, who has been nothing but nice to me and I'm seriously thinking about backing out. WTF is the matter with me?

Please someone with more experience, come along and tell me it's going to be ok.

brittanyfairies, I've been living in France for nineteen years and am half French French men are very good at flirting but a lot of the time it's a game; conscious or not, that's how a lot of them are. Of course there are some amazingly wonderful men here, just like any other country in the world. As a single (husband left two years ago) woman in my late forties I've had a few men circling, quite a few are REALLY young (weird that, right?) including a young barman at my favourite bar in town who confessed his feelings for me at his best friend's wedding in September. When this barman first plucked up the courage to come up to me I was sat beside a lovely English man, early sixties, who asked me how I felt about French men. I responded, without thinking, that they were lovely as long as I realised there was often little behind the facade they put up.

I don't wish to be cynical, I really don't. Some of my friends are married to some really special men, obviously. But try to dilute their comments in your mind and just enjoy the fun.

I hope that makes sense.

Thank you Thisis to be honest if it's not real I can deal with it, if it's an act that's fine.

I'm obviously dealing with my own demons, XH declared his love for me within weeks when I was a young and impressionable 20 year old. He then spent 20 years telling me how ugly, thick, terrible cook, etc I was, so obviously I really don't want to make the same mistake twice. But I'm also afraid that it's made me over sensitive too.

I have had very young (early 30s men) hitting on me, I'm 45. I can't take them seriously, I think they're doing it for a dare or something, maybe it's the French version of Grab a Granny night. A couple have been quite handsome.

I guess I'll just carry on and see where it takes me.

Morning everyone!

I agree with thisis - not necessarily a French men thing - more just generally - don't take the full on compliments very seriously, and try to find them amusing rather than serious!

I've spent the last few weeks focussing on RL stuff not OLD, but think it's time to get back into it! I must actually write a profile - dammit, I hate doing that! Advertising myself is not my favorite thing...

Bant and all the other men on the threads - what are your top 'don't do this on your profile everyone does it' tips?

Morning all - I haven't posted for while but have been keeping up to date with all your updates.
I followed rule number 11 and have been reading Why Men Love Bitches and, whilst I'm not a huge fan of self help style books, this is very informative and almost ((whispers)) a little empowering. It's certainly helped me with my current situation (i.e. has stopped me from OI too much and sending unneccessary texts)
I would recommend it.
It made me smile to read about the tipsy messaging going on. I have almost had to sit on my hands to stop myself from doing this.
Also the sudden influx of messages on Christmas Eve happened to me too!
So after my first date with MrAdventurer (which went well) we are seeing each other on Friday for a second date. It's been two weeks since our last date and we have messaged most days (just one or two a day thank goodness) The first date was dinner, but as he lives an hour away, we met half way and both drove. This time we want to relax, have a few glasses of wine etc. However I don't want to be in a situation where one of us travels to the other's town and ends up staying at the others house. So I am going to suggest somewhere easily accessed by trains for both of us, which is proving a struggle, but I want to avoid the situation of early mooseburgers (which has happened quite a few times before )
I am feeling a little bit nervous though as the second date is very much make or break in my eyes and I really don't want to be disappointed!
Anyway, good luck everyone and I hope the new year brings us all that we wish for in the murky world of OLD. I'm now off to de-lice my hair as that was my son's little present for Xmas and it's probably not the best look for a date is it!!

That could be an excellent way of preventing early mooseburgers, Bernie

Good luck on Friday!

Exciting news update!

Just got a mesage on POF from someone whose user name is clearly a first name and unusal surname. Googled said name, to find they're on trial for manslaughter. Woo!

oh what a shame, surely a very unfortunate coincidence. Tell him !

Oh blimey Baklava, that's crazy! OLD is never ending in it's surprises! Are you going to ask him about it?

I think it's a personal preference thing baklava

For me though :
Profile photos -
no photos with kids or exes/men - unless you say they're actually your brother or something
Photos without you in them - horses, cats, inspirational quotes by Marilyn Monroe etc
Not too many Instagram filters with hose bloody golden butterflies, honestly, it's one profile in three that have them, it seems, and all it makes me think is 'oh, so you spend your time touching up your pictures. Next'

Profile text -

Avoid cliches about long walks on the beach, work hard/play hard, my kids are my world, going out/staying in with wine and dvd.

Be funny. A joke, a silly headline, say how humour is important, and show you're funny.

Nothing negative about 'hate liars and cheats' etc.
It doesn't put off the liars and cheats, it just marks you out as a target, but it makes you seem like you're a negative person. I'm less likely to message someone who I think is suspicious from the get go.

Mostly, remember you're up against hundreds of other women, trying to catch the attention of a decent guy. And all of those men are up against hundreds of other men. There are many attractive women, so unless you're a supermodel, you'll fade into the background, there are always a few stunning women on every page of profiles. But very few whose profile headline sticks out as memorable. Ones like

'If carlsberg made girlfriends'
'Probably better than your ex'
'I'm like Gilette..' (I mentioned this one up thread)

Ones that put me off:

'Looking for my night in shinning armor'
'Please rescue me'
That Marilyn quote
'Live, laugh, love'
'Will fill this in later'

No! Don't ask him about it! He'll change his name and then other women will meet a potential manslaughterer