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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Difficult marriage. Not ready to leave

232 replies

burgundyandgoldleaves · 01/12/2016 19:33

I don't know what I expect from this thread, but please, please don't berate me for not leaving. I'm not saying it's never on the cards, but it isn't going to be tomorrow or next week or anything like that, I need to get my head clear first.

I don't even know what to say now.

I feel he often puts me down. I feel he often makes out I think something he thinks when I don't think it at all, or that he twists something to make me in the wrong and at fault.

He complains about housework, gets stressed about mess. I do try really hard to keep on top of everything but at the same time we have a dog and young children and sometimes thinks just get messed up. Like I've been painting and I must not have put the paint lid on properly, it's my fault but he will go on about things like that as if it's some sort of personal character flaw instead of a simple accident.

He's sometimes pushy about sex, he can be quite demanding.

I just feel quite sad about it just now. I feel in some ways life was almost easier before I knew what he was like.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/12/2016 20:24

I have to go for now, burg.

Keep posting x

CauliflowerSqueeze · 02/12/2016 20:25

You say your children would demand an explanation. You can plan for this.

We are better parents apart. I feel happier without your dad than with him now. I won't be explaining to you about my marriage because that's private between your dad and me, but I know we are better apart than together. Etc etc. They will see you are happier and they will understand the situation is better.

Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 02/12/2016 20:27

But isn't that keeping from them something they have the right to know?

Im worried he'd tell them and his version would be something like "well, she was a kinky bitch and then started screaming one day she didn't like it any more, after spending years sitting on her arse spending my money of course."

OP posts:
Roussette · 02/12/2016 20:29

I know it sounds really pathetic but one of the things I'm worried about, if I did leave, would I suppose be dying very alone, after the children move out

Burg please, do not worry about this, you are jumping ahead of yourself. Would you rather be happy on your own, or very very unhappy in a disruptive abusive relationship? I promise you, pleae don't worry about being on your own. I've lived a bit (I'm OLD) I have lived through divorce in my family, bereavement with my friends and I promise you - if you're open to it, you won't be on your own. OK it might not be marriage and happy ever after (but it could be too!) but I just know from how you portray yourself, once you pick yourself up off the floor after leaving 'him', and your heart is open you will have friends and companionship.

Please don't worry about having to explain to your children. By the time an explanation might be necessary, they will just know.

Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 02/12/2016 20:32

It's really hard to explain. I've always tried really hard to be honest with the children, but some things you just can't be honest about, yet that feels wrong.

OP posts:
Roussette · 02/12/2016 20:32

p.s. V glad someone typed burg. I have spelt burgundy every which way but what it's meant to be!

Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 02/12/2016 20:33

:)

And, how do you find positive male role models? Everyone says you need them. But how do you find them?

OP posts:
Roussette · 02/12/2016 20:33

No no no. They are young. You don't have to explain chapter and verse at this stage, believe me. My DSis and her DH broke up after decades together, there was no explanation needed, the DCs drew their own conclusions. All you have to do is sort out the day to day stuff for now.

Roussette · 02/12/2016 20:34

You are overthinking this Burg I promise you. Take it one step at a time.

THirdEeye · 02/12/2016 20:34

You cannot control the future.

He is an abuser who has groomed and conditioned you to the point, where you worry more about your DC blaming you if you leave than realising that the dynamic of what they see on a daily basis will have so mich more of a profound effect.

bobbinpop · 02/12/2016 20:34

I've split up from an abusive partner. I told my DDs that I don't like him shouting at me and that I'm happier without him. I've told them that a partner shouldn't be mean and make you feel unhappy. I don't regret it for a single second. I had to go to psychoanalysis to really understand everything; I was also suffering with numbness. You've mentioned things that happened years ago; I was in pain from things 7 years before, until I split up and dealt with them in depth, addressing my feelings and what had really happened (not what he wanted me to believe happened).

Roussette · 02/12/2016 20:36

Third and bopp. What truly sensible posts.

Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 02/12/2016 20:37

Thank you :) I do have a tendency to over think, but it's hard not to if you are an overthinker by nature. I think since I had them, I've felt a sense of dread that one day they won't like me, so I'm scared of anything happening to confirm that.

Really, I know what matters for children is stability and I can offer that but it's after childhood, really ...

OP posts:
bobbinpop · 02/12/2016 20:37

... And I now have a supportive, respectful and loving partner. He's a really good stepdad/dad to My DC and I am happy. Trust your gut feeling; you know It's not right and that you are not happy.

PacificDogwod · 02/12/2016 20:38

Of course you should be honest to your DCs, but age appropriate.
There is NO need to tell them anything terribly explicit.

Third and bob put it perfectly Thanks

Roussette · 02/12/2016 20:40

Sorry I said bopp, I meant bobb !

Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 02/12/2016 20:40

But - I have to tell them something? Sorry Blush if it looks like I'm just being a pain in the arse, I promised myself when I started this thread I was going to say everything no matter how embarrassing or stupid or annoying it is.

I suppose I think, if I was ten / eleven and my world had been ripped apart, my mum saying "well I wasn't very happy" might make me feel that her happiness was more important than mine and she was selfish.

OP posts:
PacificDogwod · 02/12/2016 20:42

None of us here will get annoyed with you btw. Smile

You are not alone in this.
Many, many women live with abuse, having their heads screwed with, not trusting what they deep down know is true: they are living with an abuser.
It takes guts and strength to recognise it, and even more to change it, but it can be done Thanks

AF, your post about your F is heartbreaking Thanks

bobbinpop · 02/12/2016 20:46

You will be protecting them by ending this marriage. They won't be happy knowing their mum is deeply unhappy. Sometimes you need to go through upheaval to get to a better place. They will be ok; you can also put things in place to help them through it. Don't say you're not 'very' happy; don't minimise. Just say the relationship is not right and it's not healthy, so you need to end it. That you love them very much, it's not their fault. Your DD is so very young; ending it sooner rather than later will save her so much pain and damage, seeing her mum being mistreated.

PacificDogwod · 02/12/2016 20:50

It's not that you are 'not very happy', it's that you are being abused.
Children will understand when you say "I don't want to be shouted at any more" (children don't like to be shouted at) or "I want to make my own decisions" (like the franchise you were talking about).

If you were to leave your marriage, where would you go?
Would you have to leave the house? Are you on the deeds?
Do you have a place of safety you could go to?
Or would your H need to leave?

Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 02/12/2016 20:51

I suppose I could say something like "dad wanted to make up my mind for me, and I wanted to make my mind up about things?" Something like that?

We both own the house. I think we might have to sell it.

I'd have enough for a house. I don't know quite what we would do.

OP posts:
PacificDogwod · 02/12/2016 20:54

Yes, that is exactly the kind of thing you could say and they would be able to relate to.

Just start thinking about things.
Put some money aside.
Think about what paperwork you'd need.
Passports, birth certificates, bank statements, copies of important stuff.

You are making steps, baby steps is fine Thanks.

Original poster
burgundyandgoldleaves · 02/12/2016 20:55

I do need to think about the practical stuff I suppose but I think for now that makes it too real.

OP posts:
PacificDogwod · 02/12/2016 20:57

That's fine.
You'll think about it when you are ready.
Brew

But people have done it and will do it again, and you can be one of them.

Roussette · 02/12/2016 21:01

burg you don't have to hurry. Just take your time. Change your name and come back on here when you want and post about what you are doing to start this new era in your life (this is not me shutting down this conversation, I'm just talking about if you feel you can't talk about this anymore). Be clever, be sharp,

set up what you might do when you have the strength to leave.