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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OH F**K MY DH HAS JUST LEFT ME- Hope there's someone to talk to

361 replies

ohsmellyjelly · 15/02/2007 22:07

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Original poster
ohsmellyjelly · 15/02/2007 23:32

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NurseyJo · 15/02/2007 23:36

This reply has been deleted

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BandofMothers · 15/02/2007 23:38

Posted that so you wouldn't go while I type.
I think the fact that you weren't hiding it is key here, he may feel you were cos you didn't tell him, but how you convince him you weren't is because you had the kids with you. My dd1 is 3 and would dob me in in a second. Your dc1 is 4 so you wouldn't take them with you if you were sneaking around.
Also, I'm thinking you will not have done anything inappropriate in front of dc's.
So his friend was being a nosy, interfering git, and instead of saying anything to you he phoned your dh. How sneaky is that.
Tell dh what you posted, that he was a colleague who was leaving, that you'd hardly take the kids on a sneaky date and that perhaps his friends should keep their noses out.
It's anorexic but it might work!!
What do you think?

BandofMothers · 16/02/2007 00:00

Hoped you'd get back to me. Have to go to bed. Will check thread tomorrow.
Good Luck. Hope you get some sleep.
Will be thinking about you.

Original poster
ohsmellyjelly · 16/02/2007 07:39

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drosophila · 16/02/2007 07:50

I do wonder if somewhere deep down you wanted him to find that letter you wrote. Yo said that in the letter you mentioned the marriage was over. Did you really feel that when you wrote it? Also I would say that is what is hurting him the most.

drosophila · 16/02/2007 07:56

Having read your other thread I deffo think you wanted the letter to be found. I think you need a really frank talk with your DH and you probably will have to admit how you have been feeling.

It may be depression that is simply directed at him or it may be the simple breakdown in our relationship. Him discovering your letter has kinda forced your hand.

Original poster
ohsmellyjelly · 16/02/2007 07:59

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ohsmellyjelly · 16/02/2007 08:06

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drosophila · 16/02/2007 08:08

Have you tried contacting him at his Mums? I think you may look back at this point and believe it was the making of you or your relationship.

Why not write him a letter saying how you really feel, how you felt, how confused you have been, how much you want to try at the relationship (if that is what you want) and send it to himn if you have his address or wait until you see him.
If one good thing comes out of this it's that you now know how you really feel about him. I suspect you have beed depressed and perhaps were lashing out at him as he was closest.

Original poster
ohsmellyjelly · 16/02/2007 08:12

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ohsmellyjelly · 16/02/2007 08:14

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mylittlestar · 16/02/2007 09:20

I have only just seen this thread.
I have recently been through something similar with dh (he's the one who said he didn't love me, he sent an inappropriate message to another woman even though nothing had actually happened between them) and so I think I have a really good idea how your dh feels right now.

I think if you could write down your feelings about your marriage and how you feel about dh that would be a good start.

It seems to me that even though you're understandably devastated over the letter you need to ask yourself... is it the thought that things ending 'this' way that has upset you, but once this is sorted will you end it anyway, or has it made you realise that you actually want to try and work things out and give your relationship another go?

I'm waffling here - what I'm trying to say is - when you speak to him, you need to try and be clear what you want. Telling him how sorry you are etc but then turning round and saying 'now you believe I didn't cheat on you, I still want a divorce anyway', IMO would be cruel. You have to try and be really honest with yourself and him from now on. If the letter was a reflection of your unhappiness and your decision to end the relationship, then he needs to understand that from the start.

For what it's worth I don't think you wanted him to see the letter or left it there on purpose, I think you're extremely confused. Maybe writing down how you feel about dh and what you think you want from your relationship and for your future will be the best way for you to move forward

xxx

NotQuiteCockney · 16/02/2007 09:21

Do you think he might be up for some general Relate sessions, given all this? What a mess with the letter ... at least now he sees things are broken.

How are you feeling? Still ambivalent about him? Do you want him to come back?

BandofMothers · 16/02/2007 09:29

Hi OSJ. Flying visit. Hope you got some sleep. Can't imagine it was much.
Going out, but wanted to check in and let you know I'm thinking of u. Good idea about letter to dh. Perhaps you shoul try to be clear where you want the relationship to go before you talk to him.
Don't worry too much, know it wasn't ideal but perhaps it's just as well that it's out in the open.
Perhaps take the kids for a day out to take your mind off it.
Good Luck and {{{{hugs}}}}

Original poster
ohsmellyjelly · 16/02/2007 13:05

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ManchesterMum · 16/02/2007 19:13

Hi OSM - just wanted to check in and see how you're doing? As well as can be expected, it would seem... Can't really chat right now cos dd is still up but will try to come back later this evening.

Hope you're bearing up?

xx

Original poster
ohsmellyjelly · 16/02/2007 19:21

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maturer · 16/02/2007 20:21

please go see a counselllor- the overwhelming message that comes from your "story" is that you have issues from the past that are impacting on the present and you need to look themin the eye and make them not scary any more.
I totallly agree with the - write it in a letter advice- all the mixed up and honet feelings- if he can see how youare the one in need and you recognise that - he will stand by you- but you have to start being completley honest with him- tell him what's going on in your head- tell him you see you need help and GET IT!
A cry for help can take many forms!
Tell him how ytou feel now- thinking you've blown it! Even the worst senario can , with honesty lead to a new start.
Take care- you are not a bad person only human and falible!

ManchesterMum · 16/02/2007 21:33

You said in an earlier posting that you don't have many friends locally but is there anyone you could hook up with over the weekend, even for a couple of hours, or will it just be you and dc? Sorry - don't mean to infer that time with them is awful but just wondered whether you will have any face to face adult conversation?

Original poster
ohsmellyjelly · 16/02/2007 22:17

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BandofMothers · 16/02/2007 22:24

You sound much calmer than last night. Hope things go well. Good Luck on Sunday. Get your thoughts together first so that you sound certain about what you're saying, not dithery and indecisive and I think he'll be more likely to believe you.
Get some sleep.

ManchesterMum · 16/02/2007 22:44

Yeah, good luck. Thinking of you and hope to hear some positive news in due course, whatever the outcome.

(((((((())))))))

funkimummy · 16/02/2007 22:58

Hi OSJ. only just read this thread. It sounds like you both need time to think.

Don't beat yourself up. Everyone makes mistakes, and you are only human!

Personally, I think it would be abnormal not to look over the fence sometimes and wonder if the grass were greener. I know when things get really rough I do!

Keep talking to us, let us know how you get on, and good luck with everything.

mylittlestar · 17/02/2007 14:20

Yes good luck tomorrow and let us know how you are.

(Things are working out between me and dh and after some counselling and lots and lots of talking we're finally getting somewhere. So there is a light at the end of the tunnel if that's what you want.)

Take care xx