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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

M-i-L trying to be mum to my 6 month old baby

185 replies

MusicIsMedicine · 01/12/2016 00:23

My mil's behaviour is disturbing.

When here, she tries to grab my baby out of arms! Then when I do let her hold baby, she refuses to hand her back to me when asked.

A few times I've been ill and had to go into hospital. She immediately got on a train here and took my daughter out on trips out in pram etc with my partner without my knowledge or consent (baby had been a bit poorly and didn't need to be out on a long walk to the supermarket in pram in 3 degree freezing weather, partner has a car).

Now, the clincher. She started telling me how my baby tries to breast feed her when I am not there. She lost one of her adult children some time ago and lives alone and out of nowhere after I came home after a day at hospital, phoned me up to tell me my baby should go away to live with her for 6 months!! My partner, her son and this child's father, wasn't even mentioned! It was as if she thought I was that ill and weak for a few weeks post pregnancy that I'd just say yes OK and baby's dad had no voice in it!

She is clearly missing the fact that struggling a bit with health post pregnancy doesn't mean I'd simply have my much loved and adored baby moving several hundred miles away to hers for 6 months. Over my dead body!

I was that gobsmacked by how casually she suggested it, like ordering a pizza, that I didn't respond with the outrage I felt. My partner doesn't understand why I'm so angry and won't confront her asking what her intentions are and why she'd think it OK to call me and suggest this behind his back.

I do genuinely think she has ideas that she can take my daughter away to fill the void on her empty life. She's in her late 60s!! She also tries to impose her views constantly on how our baby should be raised, ignores my wishes around our parenting, criticises and undermines me as a mum and thinks she knows what's best for my baby. She has a total lack of respect for others' boundaries. She also keeps trying to move into out home by leaning on me to agree to it, again cutting her son out of the loop as if he has no say in what happens with his own home or child.

Oh she also informed last time she stayed here, at 6am while taking over my kitchen again, that I should have my tubes tied! Again, gobsmacked doesn't cover it!

Help please before I crack up with anger. She is pushing buttons and she knows it.

OP posts:
SeaEagleFeather · 17/12/2016 20:24

Music, make sure you'v eaten enough. Don't drink alcohol. Keep your head on, right now.

This has been coming a long, long time.

It's impossible to tell what will happen now. He -may- come back, or .... he may not. Physically he will, probably, but in his head he might choose his mother, in which case you've lost him. I'm sorry, if it goes that way.

You might be in a bit of shock now, so do what you can and don't expect too much of yourself.

Give yourself a day or two and I suggest that when (ok, if, but he probably will) he comes back you don't speak to him tonight. Give it time to cool off. If you do speak - speak as calmly as you can.

Unfortunately I do think you have to plan carefully for what will happen if you separate. You cannot let this woman have her way. He promised to have your back and he's already spectacularly broken that promise. This -could- be part of the process of him breaking away from her, the arguments with you, or it could be part of him choosing her. But either way, you need to think with your head as well as your heart and consider how you'd structure life if you were single.

Hopefully it won't be necessary, but simply working it out will give you a strength, because you will know you can survive.

Also, give yourself room to be upset, to need comfort, to be angry.

Flowers thinking of you tonight

SeaEagleFeather · 17/12/2016 20:29

He's probably horribly conflicted right now.

BlackNo1 · 17/12/2016 20:35

You need to set firm boundaries for you and your DD... don't wait for your DP to wake up from his navel gazing.
Unwanted advice to new mums is unfortunately often par for the course so just ignore and carry on as you were.
I would definitely not be letting her stay in my home. A firm 'No' is needed there. You're going to need to be stronger and firmer from the get go. The woman sounds unhinged.

VanellopeVonSchweetz99 · 17/12/2016 20:35

OP, sorry if you've already said somewhere, but are you in the UK?

BlackNo1 · 17/12/2016 20:37

I know I will have xposted. I can see there are seven pages but can only read the first one Confused

Original poster
MusicIsMedicine · 17/12/2016 20:47

I'm in UK.

I am not backing down.

He either gets on his hands and knees tomorrow and apologies and promises me that he will jump on any further behaviour (if I have to see her somewhere) or we have an issue.

She is not coming to this home.

Anyone that refuses to return my child when asked and tries to grab her from my hands is a danger to my child.

I'm getting my health visitor out this week to get all this on record.

He can move. Why should I leave my home again.

Unless I use my salary, I can work from home, rent a house, move the hell away from them all and don't look back. Ta ta you bunch of dysfunctional arseholes.

It feels good to have self respect. I'm not having my daughter growing up thinking it's OK for her mummy to be maltreated and abused by people. What message does that send. X

OP posts:
SeaEagleFeather · 17/12/2016 21:20

Have you read Toxic parents and Toxic In Laws?

From all you say, your husband is a really good husband/father in other ways. Perhaps he might slowly come to see that what's going on is not ok. Perhaps this row is part of it.

Astro55 · 17/12/2016 22:26

Sounds like MIL has had words with your DP - he's being passed from pillar to post to see which side will back down and be the path of least resistance - he's had it from both sides -

You should always trump her because he married you and you have his child - he has more to lose if he walks away -

Talk to him - see what's been said - then discuss how you move forward

jeaux90 · 17/12/2016 22:51

Exactly as Astro said

Do not negotiate. He is being used as an intermediary. Really time to hold your ground to protect you and your child but also if you stand a chance at saving your marriage. He needs to see who you are and accept that.

And look, I'm a single mum and it's actually really ok, if it turns out that way, you'll be fine. You sound like a great mum and you'll do what's right for your dc xxx

Original poster
MusicIsMedicine · 17/12/2016 23:52

astro exactly - the sneaking outside to make the calls, where before they were made in here. She's doing a number on him. Then he comes in, oh she says Hi as if nothing happened!! So why have these calls out of my earshot!

OP posts:
Original poster
MusicIsMedicine · 17/12/2016 23:53

seaeagle copy of toxic parents arrived today.

VERY tempted to but toxic in laws and leave it right under his nose".

OP posts:
Original poster
MusicIsMedicine · 17/12/2016 23:55

A silly row started tonight over nothing. He went out for a while, then came back like nothing happened and made me food!

OP posts:
MusicIsMedicine · 17/12/2016 23:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Astro55 · 18/12/2016 00:03

I think you've just grown two pairs!!!

jeaux90 · 18/12/2016 00:07

Yep I am applauding you. That is the gauntlet well and truly thrown down. Be prepared to execute upon your ultimatum. Stay strong xxxx

notapizzaeater · 18/12/2016 00:10

Lets hope that makes him man up

Original poster
MusicIsMedicine · 18/12/2016 00:46

Please help me to leave! My head's in bits, what do I need to do?

OP posts:
Original poster
MusicIsMedicine · 18/12/2016 00:47

Thanks so much for helping me see here how wrong it was. I don't want that mil witch in my daughters life!

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 18/12/2016 08:48

As someone who grew up with the toxic parent I am desperate not to allow my child to suffer the way I did. I can understand the feelings you dp is battling with but he needs battle with them. Well done you on protecting your little while he is unable.

I would start collecting all paperwork, there is a website that helps with what benefits you can get then you can start planning who moves where.

For a start though, if he has made his choice, tell him to leave for a while.

jeaux90 · 18/12/2016 09:38

Music has he communicated with you since you sent that message?

How are you feeling about it all today? Xx

jeaux90 · 18/12/2016 09:39

And your last sentence of your last message is the one you hold onto to keep you strong xxx

Original poster
MusicIsMedicine · 18/12/2016 12:30

He's defending it!! I'm the one with the issue! I need therapy!

I shit you not!

Now the dirty games have started. I put lo in cot while washing up. He had left her in bouncer in shitty nappy, napping, head lolling forward, backward not facing him while he went out back for a fag.

But now I'm the bad parent for leaving baby napping in cot after cleaning her all up so I could get her bottles sterilised!!

Twat!

Texted him and said don't even try that routine with me Mr.

OP posts:
Astro55 · 18/12/2016 12:48

Start making an exit strategy - it may get nasty!!

Find all paper work and start shifting it to a friends

SeaEagleFeather · 18/12/2016 13:01

A silly row started tonight over nothing. He went out for a while, then came back like nothing happened and made me food!

Like his mum then? Or did he want to talk it out later? (im guessing not)

I think you're taking the right tack though, "don't even try starting to play those games with me"

Silly question - have you tried talking to him and asking him just how much he values you and your daughter?

Also, keep in mind that if you separate he will have some rights to see his daughter and that might mean unsupervised contact with MIL. She can't do too very much atm, but when your daughter is older she'll probably start trying to undermine you verbally and fight for your daughter's affection. It's worth putting that in the balance and working out ways to minimize that.

I do think that it's worth fighting for your husband because he sounds rather lovely in other ways. But he has to stop the game playing stuff. Calling him out on it, as you did, is good.

jeaux90 · 18/12/2016 14:12

Oh shit!!! That's a classic. You need therapy and you are in the wrong. This is very likely her words coming out of his mouth. You know that xxx