M-i-L trying to be mum to my 6 month old baby

[MusicIsMedicine]

My mil's behaviour is disturbing.

When here, she tries to grab my baby out of arms! Then when I do let her hold baby, she refuses to hand her back to me when asked.

A few times I've been ill and had to go into hospital. She immediately got on a train here and took my daughter out on trips out in pram etc with my partner without my knowledge or consent (baby had been a bit poorly and didn't need to be out on a long walk to the supermarket in pram in 3 degree freezing weather, partner has a car).

Now, the clincher. She started telling me how my baby tries to breast feed her when I am not there. She lost one of her adult children some time ago and lives alone and out of nowhere after I came home after a day at hospital, phoned me up to tell me my baby should go away to live with her for 6 months!! My partner, her son and this child's father, wasn't even mentioned! It was as if she thought I was that ill and weak for a few weeks post pregnancy that I'd just say yes OK and baby's dad had no voice in it!

She is clearly missing the fact that struggling a bit with health post pregnancy doesn't mean I'd simply have my much loved and adored baby moving several hundred miles away to hers for 6 months. Over my dead body!

I was that gobsmacked by how casually she suggested it, like ordering a pizza, that I didn't respond with the outrage I felt. My partner doesn't understand why I'm so angry and won't confront her asking what her intentions are and why she'd think it OK to call me and suggest this behind his back.

I do genuinely think she has ideas that she can take my daughter away to fill the void on her empty life. She's in her late 60s!! She also tries to impose her views constantly on how our baby should be raised, ignores my wishes around our parenting, criticises and undermines me as a mum and thinks she knows what's best for my baby. She has a total lack of respect for others' boundaries. She also keeps trying to move into out home by leaning on me to agree to it, again cutting her son out of the loop as if he has no say in what happens with his own home or child.

Oh she also informed last time she stayed here, at 6am while taking over my kitchen again, that I should have my tubes tied! Again, gobsmacked doesn't cover it!

Help please before I crack up with anger. She is pushing buttons and she knows it.

Her behaviour is extremely disturbing. Poor you - her hanging around and claiming ownership of part of your house and demanding to come and go as she pleases sounds like an absolute violation and a complete nightmare. I had a former flatmate who continued to rent our spare room and who insisted on keeping our spare key so she could just let herself in and that was bad enough; can't imagine this.

Her comments on the breastfeeding - just creepy. It sounds like she doesn't want you to ever enjoy becoming a mother again.because that has now been denied for her.

If your partner won't help you have to take matters into your own hands. Do not let this woman into your house again. If you absolutely have to see her, arrange to meet in a public place and always say you have another appointment to get to afterwards so it doesn't drag on.

It really sounds like she needs counselling but that is not your responsibility to sort out. Just focus on yourself and your child. And congratulations on the baby.

I can't believe what I'm reading

I really can't....

She is seriously disturbed

Why on earth would she want you to get your tubes tied?!

Your Dh needs to show a more united front though. Make it clear its YOUR baby and it's not ok for her to do this

If anything, losing a child of her own should make her understand more than ever how much you need to be with your own baby. It shouldn't make her think it's OK to take your child away from you for six months.

It sounds like she isn't coping with being alone and I would be concerned about her erratic behaviour. Your DH is clearly burying his head in the sand about his mum.

I honestly don't know what to suggest. I feel very sorry for your MIL but I feel worse for you in all honesty. Boundaries definitely need to be put in place for all your sakes.

I would show your DH this thread! Seriously everyone is telling you how bad she is and you need him to help you do something about it x

livefornaps how right you are.

She wasted no time taking ownership of the place. My food was removed from the fridge and put in the freezer then she had my partner take her shopping and took over my kitchen, then I was informed that what she had made was for her son!! Not sure what I was expected to eat.

When a friend came round to see me, she sat there listening in and didn't give us any space, despite knowing that as a breastfeeding mum who also works from home, that I rarely have much social time with friends. It seemed like everywhere I turned in my home, she was there! Getting up at 5am and going through our laundry basket and putting on the washing machine. Walking into our bedroom without even a knock! Sat at the table where I work every morning for the day until I was forced out of my own front room and working from my bedroom to get some space and privacy. Running herself big bubble baths when she fancied without so much as a thought that two people with jobs and routines might need the bathroom. It was all about her.

She told me on the phone how I cannot criticise her as she's done it. As if that gives her a free rein to ignore our parenting wishes and do whatever she wants with our lo. She is perfect and beyond reproach and its her way or the highway and anyone who does anything differently to her is wrong. I happen to think she's a terrible parent with no maternal empathy in her and whose kids never had a voice and weren't allowed to show any feelings.

Look, this woman is mentally unwell. Please don't treat her as if she was in her right mind, or expect normal reactions from her. She's seriously disturbed.

showmepotatosalad she endears herself to no one with her constant judging and criticism. She never has a good or kind word to say about anyone and is hard company. She doesn't live alone. Up until recently she was still with f-i-l then she basically made him homeless because he wasn't meeting her money demands and now she lives with relatives but isn't happy there, no doubt because she can't control everyone and hasn't got the run of the place. That's what she tried to do here, take over the whole house to the point she was demanding things be bought for my kitchen, for her use! I feel sorry for her situation but it's not up to me to rescue her to the point she has no respect for me as my child's mother and is trying to fill her own life by taking away our lo.

It's impossible to put boundaries in with someone who has no respect for others and only interested in what she can get out of people. They are commodities in her eyes. That is why no one wants her living with them, because listening to her constantly sticking the boot into others when they're struggling is just really miserable and unpleasant. She goes on about people's weight who have only had babies months ago, even though she is carrying weight herself! It's just harsh, unpleasant and uncalled for.

She turned up unannounced one morning I had gone into hospital,without even bothering to contact either of us or find out if we had plans. My partner then couldn't hide behind me and ended up putting her in the car and driving her back to her relatives. She has been positioning it to them that she's 'having to come and help us with baby' when in fact she's no help at all and is trying to move in here! So she would have had the embarrassment of her son taking her back. But what annoys me is as a result, my baby having to then have a big long car journey there and back and being taken into that house which is like a train station with comings and goings and everyone full of bugs which they constantly pass around to each other. My baby shouldn't have to be exposed to that because she keeps turning her around.

It's the gormless way she rings up saying she's at the train station in our town. The expectation being that we have nothing else on, should drop everything that minute and collect her, even though she hasn't the basic courtesy or decency to contact us first. The weekend is lo's only proper time with her dad due to his long work hours. Mil has no respect for our need for time bonding as a family.

It's clear she's mentally unwell

But I don't know what you can do

Hi Music

re your comment:-
"My partner won't deal with it. He has had years of her overbearing domineering controlling ways, so it's almost like he gives up and lets her have her own way. His father says it's been that way for years and she just grinds them all down until she gets her own way and everything is about her".

It is not your fault she is like this; you did not make her this way. Her own family of origin did that lot of damage to her.

Your man is also the problem as well quite apart from his disturbed mother (you do realise that in all probability she has some form of untreated and untreatable personality disorder). His own inertia when it comes to his mother simply hurts him as well as you and he does not realise that. This type of problem kills the women's love for their man.

Unfortunately he may never be able to stand up to her and his dad has simply gone along with her till now out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. This approach never works with a disordered of thinking person like his mother.

I would read up on narcissistic personality disorder and see how much of that to your mind relates to his mother's behaviours.

I would also now consider seeking legal advice with a view to obtaining a harassment order or non molestation order. She will never respect any boundary you care to set her and no contact from you people is the only way forward now.

distance I believe that too, but she is so convincing that it's everyone else who is the issue! She is scarily functional and up early every day doing the things others perceive as practical that it's hard to be taken seriously in saying she is mentally unwell. Men like my oh are conditioned to think if a woman cooks and does housework all day that she is fine. And anyone who can't do that because of illness or being a new mum and prioritising baby or working on top, means they are lazy!

I think she made a point of coming here and taking over and doing housework and telling us how to run our lives, that she was trying to make me look bad and lazy, even though I've been extremely unwell and in hospital a lot. She is trying to shame me and make me seem lazy. She wanted to come here the day I came home from hospital after a c-section! She then turned up days later, asked me what was for dinner and sat around the house holding baby and refusing to give baby back when asked and saying she didn't need another feed! So there's me, post surgery cooking for oh, his parents and trying to breast feed a baby, not one of them got up to help me and my meal went cold while I went and fed baby, then they left the big stack of dishes and off they went!

Oh god, she is actually trying to move in with you!

The failing to knock before coming into the bedroom - ugh. It all sounds horrendous. But as distancecall says - she's not well and to expect any kind of reasoned response would be futile.

If she phones again and announces she's at the train station for the love of god just say no. The woman will just assume her behaviour is tolerated!

Her current living situation sounds bizarre and of course you don't want your baby anywhere near it.

Maybe send her some stuff about counselling but frankly until she realises this behaviour is not normal she'll not want to be helped.

You have enough on your plate - this woman is not your responsibility.

Can you take yourself away to your own mama's and tell your oh you're not coming back until it's guaranteed she won't be harassing you again? It sounds like she's making your life hell.

"Men like my oh are conditioned to think if a woman cooks and does housework all day that she is fine. And anyone who can't do that because of illness or being a new mum and prioritising baby or working on top, means they are lazy! "

Do you really want to stay with someone like this man now if he believes this?. I think your man and his dad is totally mired in a FOG state when it comes to his mother/wife respectively.

I would absolutely now seek legal advice when it comes to his mother and mention her treatment of your own self to your GP. The more you have on official record the better.

attila absolutely bang on. You are not the first to realise she's a narcissist believe me!

She had the utter cheek to complain to me, in my own home, that baby and me woke her at 4am and how she didn't get back to sleep and was up at 6! Made out as a nuisance in my own home and that baby should not be up feeding at night! Everyone should tiptoe round her. It didn't occur to her that I do this every night and of she was awake what stopped her offering any help then or did I want a drink or could she get baby anything! She only offers help on her terms and when there is something in it for her. When help comes with conditions or its all on someone else's terms, it's better to just not take it in my view otherwise it's used against you later on.

She's one of those people that mistakes kindness for weakness. I started off feeling sorry for her and being kind, which she used rapidly to try and take advantage of my caring personality. She would push my baby's needs put for her wants. My baby's wellbeing comes before everything including her and she doesn't like it.

Sending her stuff about counselling is a futile exercise; she likely does think that there is nothing wrong with her at all. If she is a narcissist in terms of personality as well these people rarely if ever go into any therapy sessions and do not do well in therapy in any case.

All you can do is strengthen your own boundaries and seek legal advice to keep her away from your own family unit.

I would go and move out and be with my mum if your Dh refuses to stop her coming

She will forever tarnish your first memories of your baby

music

I would also now consider living with your mother particularly if she able to take you and your child in. Your man is also under her influence I am sorry to say, he has been well trained, as has his father, to do her bidding.

Seeking legal advice re your MIL is also a must do now; legal means can and should be used here.

Seriously. Does this happen in real life?

I would just say, sorry you are at the train station, but it's not convenient you'll have to go back.

If she knocked on my door I'd say the same & shut the door on her. I wouldn't care if I was being rude & it caused an argument. My DH would do exactly the same if it was the other way round.

Who has the time for this? Just put your foot down, it's your life & you're letting her ruin the precious early moments with your baby.

It's easy to say that Pippin but I bet she would either let herself in, hammer on the door until she drives everyone mad and gets let in or the Dh will let her in anyway

sobriquet bang on. She won't go away quietly! My mum isn't an option. I have nowhere else to go and nor should I have to be the one to leave my home.

The FOG comment was so true attila. Since last time mil turned up here and oh took her home, she has now not spoken to me for a month and is using silence as a punishment. But to make it appear that she is reasonable, she wrote me a letter being all chatty, to be seen in oh's eyes to be reasonable and as if it's OK to gas light me.

She says appalling stuff then if I react it's my fault. If I don't react, she gets more and more out of order, pushing buttons. Then later on, she acts as if nothing happened and gas lights me!

Can anyone tell me how they deal with this gas lighting behaviour?

I really don't know

I would be tempted to say have all 3 of you sitting in one room and out right plainly saying what she is doing is bang out of order

But it will probably back fire badly

You need to go nc with her, I reiterate everything I posted upthread.

What would your DH say if you told him you wanted this?

The more you post, the more unhinged she sounds.

I have no idea how you deal with someone like this, because you can't deal rationally with an irrational person.

You're getting good advice here, so keep posting and I hope it helps to offload about her.

The only problem with telling OP to go to her mums, is MIL may decide to move in with son while she is away. Then OP has the problem of trying to get her out!

I would do as Attila suggests and get legal advice. Tell your husband to grow a pair and go NC with MIL. Block her on both phones. If she turns up, don't let her in (put security chain on door before opening), tell her she is not welcome and close door. If she starts screaming or banging on door call police.

The only winner in this scenario is probably FIL, who is finally free of the bitch.

It's not easy, but it can be done.

My first mil was batshit. I spent far too much time & energy battling her. I split with my DP in the end.

My second mil was much the same. We both cut her off & never saw her, she died without us knowing.

Why would she let herself in, surely she doesn't have a key? Keep your doors locked. If she's banging on the door, threaten her with the police. Tell her straight. Do not engage, then there's no opportunity for gaslighting.

I agree with above two posts. Engaging with her is a waste of time, she either hurts you or ignores you.

I'd definitely keep doors locked and have a chain on if she knocks. I wouldn't let her in. If she writes to you again, I'd return letter unopened.

And yes to calling police if she tries to get in. Just cut her out of your life, and if it means your DH can't deal with that then it means he's not worth much, he should understand how this is affecting you and he must support you because you can't go on like this.

Don't leave your home. It's your sanctuary, just never let her in it again.