M-i-L trying to be mum to my 6 month old baby

[MusicIsMedicine]

My mil's behaviour is disturbing.

When here, she tries to grab my baby out of arms! Then when I do let her hold baby, she refuses to hand her back to me when asked.

A few times I've been ill and had to go into hospital. She immediately got on a train here and took my daughter out on trips out in pram etc with my partner without my knowledge or consent (baby had been a bit poorly and didn't need to be out on a long walk to the supermarket in pram in 3 degree freezing weather, partner has a car).

Now, the clincher. She started telling me how my baby tries to breast feed her when I am not there. She lost one of her adult children some time ago and lives alone and out of nowhere after I came home after a day at hospital, phoned me up to tell me my baby should go away to live with her for 6 months!! My partner, her son and this child's father, wasn't even mentioned! It was as if she thought I was that ill and weak for a few weeks post pregnancy that I'd just say yes OK and baby's dad had no voice in it!

She is clearly missing the fact that struggling a bit with health post pregnancy doesn't mean I'd simply have my much loved and adored baby moving several hundred miles away to hers for 6 months. Over my dead body!

I was that gobsmacked by how casually she suggested it, like ordering a pizza, that I didn't respond with the outrage I felt. My partner doesn't understand why I'm so angry and won't confront her asking what her intentions are and why she'd think it OK to call me and suggest this behind his back.

I do genuinely think she has ideas that she can take my daughter away to fill the void on her empty life. She's in her late 60s!! She also tries to impose her views constantly on how our baby should be raised, ignores my wishes around our parenting, criticises and undermines me as a mum and thinks she knows what's best for my baby. She has a total lack of respect for others' boundaries. She also keeps trying to move into out home by leaning on me to agree to it, again cutting her son out of the loop as if he has no say in what happens with his own home or child.

Oh she also informed last time she stayed here, at 6am while taking over my kitchen again, that I should have my tubes tied! Again, gobsmacked doesn't cover it!

Help please before I crack up with anger. She is pushing buttons and she knows it.

Hi Music

re your comment:-

"Have told DP that the relationship will end if he doesn't start properly listening to me and dealing with his mother".

What was his response to that from you?.

"As far as I am concerned she is not seeing me or baby until and unless she agrees to my boundaries and gives me my place as my child's mother".

She will never agree to any boundary you set here and she will not respect you as your child's mother either.

"She has written me a letter now in a chatty tone and acting as if nothing has happened, so I now look unreasonable if I don't reply or call her - very manipulative tactics".

She knows she has been cut off and exactly why as well. I would urge you to not reply at all to this letter, if you have not already shredded the letter do so. Infact you should not be reading any correspondence from her in any case. A response from you is the reward, that is why you should not reply.

A person who is really suicidal won’t usually make phone calls or create drama

"A person who is really suicidal won’t usually make phone calls or create drama"

That is absolutely not true

I haven't seen the last couple of days of the thread so I don't know what's going on, but that appeared on my Threads I'm On so I had to comment.

Well done OP. In the unlikely event she does commit suicide then that will permanently solve everyone's problem.

I am such a cold hearted bitch!

attila I believe you are correct and she knows she has been cut off. How very sly of her though to write me a letter and behave as if she has done nothing wrong. She acts differently when others are around to when it's only me. I honestly believe my DP is blinded to exactly how devious and damaging she really is. He doesn't even really seem aware that he has grown up with such an emotionally abusive dynamic. She gets away with it because performs all the practical functions such as cooking meals so outsiders see her as the homely wifely type but she hides her deeply unpleasant side very well.

In her letter she says she has had a bad cold and been poorly and she hopes we will all go to visit her before Christmas! See how cunning that is, that if I now say no, it looks like, to my DP that I'm mean. I told him straight, even outside her behaviour, I can't be around anyone with cold/flu and neither should our baby if it can be avoided. I still come off as the one that looks like an a-hole though.

Feeling very glad I didn't let her bully me into letting her move in. I'd have ended up being forced to leave my home because of her behaviour. I wonder if that's been her game plan all along. What she doesn't realise is if I left, then or in the future, my baby will go with me. She is banking on me being too ill to manage.

What do I do when my DP wants to visit her and take baby? He will invite me then when I say no, he will suggest he takes baby for a visit. How do I refuse this and stand my ground?

Say no! Keep saying it!

By all means let DH visit his mother but baby stays - let DH deal with that

Your breast feeding aren't you?

That's a good excuse of why he can't take the baby far away

She's nuts - just keep your distance. Tell your OH that he may have endured her domineering ways but you have no intention of caving in under this nonsense. You have a child to consider now. Pin that man of yours down and put your foot down with a firm hand. If this is not nipped in the bud it will get worse. Once your child is able to communicate your MIL will be manipulating her mind and not just taking her over physically. This needs sorting before then. I know it is hard to rock the boat, but you have no choice here.

OP, you're doing well and sound stronger which is great.

But please be honest with your H, by saying you won't visit her because you can't risk you and baby getting poorly isn't the real reason. Tell him, "I won't be visiting your mother because she has insulted my parenting and said unforgivable wicked things to me. She has no boundaries or respect for me as you know. Our DD will be staying home with me, you of course must visit her if you wish.' Say something like that, and repeat versions of it until he understands. He won't like it because he's done this awful woman's bidding all his life. Tough. Stick to your guns and don't feel bad for rocking the boat.

Don't open any letters from your MIl. Put 'return to sender' on them or bin them. Mil is pulling the 'poor me' card, (it was only a matter of time) don't fall for it, this will ramp up massively in future.

Tell your husband you are NC with his mother and why, and get him the book Toxic Parents to read, Do not visit, or allow husband to take baby to visit at Xmas, otherwise MIL will have won.

DP will never understand I don't think. He just keeps saying oh just ignore her comments that's just my mum. Well that's not good enough. I am just so sick of my goodwill being abused. Now his aunt, who has no children is telling me on the phone that baby should be in a cot and not co-sleeping. Wish they'd all just f*ck off with their opinions!

I just feel sick with anxiety now about his mother's controlling interfering ways and how I'm going to cope with it. Starting to just think it would be easier to walk away and start again on my own just me and baby.

You need to place some very clear boundaries, Music. And you need to have your husband on your side. Make it very clear to him that you need his support on this or else there is no relationship.

"DP will never understand I don't think. He just keeps saying oh just ignore her comments that's just my mum".

His own inertia when it comes to his mother hurts him and his own family unit. This is another facet of that inertia which has afflicted him his whole life.

Ignore the aunt who has been sent in as one of the flying monkeys; again this is someone who has been all too easily manipulated to do bidding for her mother. I would steadfastly ignore all comments and block her too from contacting you; she is certainly not acting in your best interests here.

Listen" to Flying Monkeys. Don't react. Then ask if they feel strongly about this. When they agree, point out they reached this conclusion without asking about your needs, so you aren't interested in what they have to say. End conversation.

Just in case you are admitted to hospital again, you have a right to have your breastfed baby with you. Insist.

Happy Christmas - she has been just turning up unannounced.

have my much loved and adored baby moving several hundred miles away to hers for 6 months

She just turns up announced after having travelled several hundred miles in her late 60s? I am a bit confused.

My parents are in their late 60s and they travel hundreds of miles on a fairly regular basis. Never unannounced, though.

I'd suspect MH issues

There's an easy way to deal with her - totally refuse to engage with her.

Tell your dh that HE will have to communicate with her from now on.
She contacts him if she wants to visit and he has to discuss it with you before agreeing to anything.
HE needs to be in the house when she visits - no more alone time with her.
The next time she says something rude - point it out to her like you would a child.

Your dh will only learn to deal with his mother effectively once he's had enough.
You need to get assertive, lay out your boundaries and carry through any consequences.
Your dh needs to understand that he's risking his marriage and family unit by sticking his head in the sand.

OP have you ever read the little house by Phillipa Gregory? Some horrible parallels here.. for me it would be absolutely no contact. I would present husband with all the evidence you've told us and if he still didn't back me up I think I'd be heading for the hills!

I remember your previous thread Music, when your baby had just been born.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2663342-New-baby-interfering-inlaws?pg=6

It sounds like things really haven't changed in 6 months, and I think I would therefore seriously question your partners ability to support you in dealing with MIL adequately. Having a baby is tough enough when you're well, but when you've had such a tough time with illness and lack of support, it must be so hard

Albatross

Is that the one with the awesome scene at the end involving mil and a pram?

yes that's the one! so good

Sounds like a good book, I'll ask Santa for it!

free Yes the moving in thing ramped up a notch in the last 6 months after mil and fil split up. He is doing really well away from her and sounds happy! She on the other hand is so busy judging others and interfering and obsessed with money that I actually think she doesn't realise why no one wants her living with them!

It's very interesting that since DP made a point of driving her back home last time she turned up unannounced, she hasn't done it again. It's now been over a month since she's rung me. She is not daft and must realise that I won't answer. That or she is playing the silent routine so I call her or so she can tell DP how she's not heard from me... She's good at twisting things!