M-i-L trying to be mum to my 6 month old baby

[MusicIsMedicine]

My mil's behaviour is disturbing.

When here, she tries to grab my baby out of arms! Then when I do let her hold baby, she refuses to hand her back to me when asked.

A few times I've been ill and had to go into hospital. She immediately got on a train here and took my daughter out on trips out in pram etc with my partner without my knowledge or consent (baby had been a bit poorly and didn't need to be out on a long walk to the supermarket in pram in 3 degree freezing weather, partner has a car).

Now, the clincher. She started telling me how my baby tries to breast feed her when I am not there. She lost one of her adult children some time ago and lives alone and out of nowhere after I came home after a day at hospital, phoned me up to tell me my baby should go away to live with her for 6 months!! My partner, her son and this child's father, wasn't even mentioned! It was as if she thought I was that ill and weak for a few weeks post pregnancy that I'd just say yes OK and baby's dad had no voice in it!

She is clearly missing the fact that struggling a bit with health post pregnancy doesn't mean I'd simply have my much loved and adored baby moving several hundred miles away to hers for 6 months. Over my dead body!

I was that gobsmacked by how casually she suggested it, like ordering a pizza, that I didn't respond with the outrage I felt. My partner doesn't understand why I'm so angry and won't confront her asking what her intentions are and why she'd think it OK to call me and suggest this behind his back.

I do genuinely think she has ideas that she can take my daughter away to fill the void on her empty life. She's in her late 60s!! She also tries to impose her views constantly on how our baby should be raised, ignores my wishes around our parenting, criticises and undermines me as a mum and thinks she knows what's best for my baby. She has a total lack of respect for others' boundaries. She also keeps trying to move into out home by leaning on me to agree to it, again cutting her son out of the loop as if he has no say in what happens with his own home or child.

Oh she also informed last time she stayed here, at 6am while taking over my kitchen again, that I should have my tubes tied! Again, gobsmacked doesn't cover it!

Help please before I crack up with anger. She is pushing buttons and she knows it.

This remind me of my ex mil (well not officially as there was no marriage) who announced during my pregnancy that once the baby was born it was to go to her every other weekend

She couldn't understand at all when I said no...

When baby was born, I had to stay in hospital for a few days and she said I had done it on purpose to stop her from having him.

Then when baby was a couple of months old she rang to ask what we were upto and on hearing that me, her son and grandchild were having a family day out, she tried to insist that she would drive the 90minutes to my house to take the baby and couldn't understand the concept that 'family' day out included the baby...

She was a major factor in our breakup.

I think your mil sounds unbearable! Your husband needs to sort it out! Make sure you lay the law down early so she knows that she can not get away with this behaviour!

Gosh. She sounds truly, truly awful.

I went through something a bit similar. Toxic behaviour from in laws when my first little one was born and it ended in permanent estrangement. Put my marriage under appalling strain and made the first year of DS's life harder than it needed to be. Strangely enough, I had a pregnancy related illness too and the complete lack of care or concern only highlighted how much my PIL weren't 'family' to us.

Your DP needs to realise that things have gone too far. Your MIL can't change and you will never be ok with this or supportive of a relationship between her and your DD. He has a choice to make but he needs to understand that you've been getting it much harder than him and that's why you can't continue to put up with it.

Sending 💐 And support.

unicorn speechless! The bit about the hospital made my jaw fall open!

heythere know exactly what you mean re the pregnancy illness. I got criticised for needing anti sickness meds! The reality is that women used to die in pregnancy of this, before modern medicine, IV fluids etc.

Oh, was also told oh as long as baby is healthy nothing else matters.. Er right OK. Made me wonder if baby did have health issues would they reject it. They do not realise those meds quite probably saved baby's life, and mine! It really was that bad.

Could you ask your FIL to talk to your DP? If he has split from your MIL then has he finally seen the light or at least just had a bellyfull? If he could make your DP see just how awful she is and just how much damage is being done, perhaps your DP would find the strength to stand up to her?

How about your parents - could you ask them for help? If Mil ever visits again, could your parents be in situ and back you up?

You keep mentioning your health and I am so so sorry that you have had such an appalling time. Are you on the mend or is it an ongoing situation? Just wondering as you mentioned about it being a factor in the bonkers idea that she might try for custody? (I mean she is bonkers for thinking it, not you!)

cora thanks for the Kind words.

Fil has made Similar Points, he Is Completely fed Up Mil. My PaRents Live A Long Way Away And Wouldnt Get Involved And even If They Did, mil Can Not See Any One Else'S Point As She Is Always Right!

Apologies For Weird Capitals Everywhere, phone Doing BIzaRre Stuff With Keyboard!

Yes I StilL have Ongoing Health Stuff But Mil Judges Anyone/everyone With Health Problems As Lazy And Says TheY Should Be Able To Sort It Themselves. Yes She Really Is ThAt Ignorant And Deluded. People Like This Can Only See The World From Their Narrow Perspective And Lack Empathy. It Is Only When They Have A Health Issue Themselves THat They Realise There's no Magic Wand And ThEy Act Like the Biggest Victim On The Planet And Make Out No One Has HAD It Harder Than Them!

What you need to do is let go!

Think of her as an acquaintance of your husband - someone who you think of occasionally - she's taking up too much head space and it's not the relationship you imagined for you or LO-

Move on - don't fret if she calls or not - don't open letters - bin them - don't answer the phone DH can call her when he thinks about it -

I agree with Astro

Except I'd keep the letters, my own MIL went nutso after DD was born and after a year of letters (each one getting more abusive) we really regretted not keeping them as evidence (I know that sounds a bit OTT).

And on it goes... Now been 5 weeks since mil has called me, but she is playing the game of making me look bad to my partner by continually asking him how I am when her and him talk and passing 'well wishes' through him... All as if nothing at all happened and as if she's all concerned about me and I'm the one wit the issue not talking to her! You know when you sense the tide has turned, well I sense a definite shift in DP's attitude towards me. Oh, and apparently now she has been out for a meal with DP's father (even though they have split up) so it's all happy families routine again... My experience is that people like this are only nice when they have an agenda and want something.

I am actually quite annoyed that she is gaslighting me and behaving as if nothing has happened and that it's OK to just behave as she did, withdraw from our lives for weeks then brightly reappear. I don't want her playing that hot and cold emotionally abusive routine with my daughter. As a child of an alcoholic/narcissist parent, I know this behaviour well. What has really happened is she tried to use silence as a punishment, to make me run back to her, thereby she maintains control and appears to have the moral high ground, with the errant dil coming to her senses... And when the silent treatment didn't work and I didn't run back full of apologies, she tried the letter routine, which I also ignored. So now she has learned I won't be manipulated or controlled like her own grown up children, she has decided to go for the good old gaslighting, sweep it under the carpet, it didn't happen routine.

How do I deal with this without looking resentful and without losing my boundaries? How do I make it clear that I won't tolerate abusive behaviour and I certainly won't have my lo being subjected to it in the future? This is why it is crucial never to be reliant or depend on someone like this, because everything is on their terms and comes at a cost.

She won't change. People don't. And the only person who can set the boundaries is you. You need your partner onside for that but it doesn't sound like you are prepared to throw the gauntlet down with him to me.

You talk about a shift in his attitude, in what way?

jeaux90 can you explain what you mean by "throw the gauntlet down" - I'm not sure what this equates to in real world terms? I have already told him I don't want her back in our home, neither is she having any unsupervised contact with baby and that I will end the relationship if his mother ever started getting over involved again and he doesn't put a stop to it.

Short of kicking him out or leaving my home based job and home, with my baby, depriving her of her father, with nowhere for us to go other than a homeless hostel, if we can get into such a place, I'm not sure what else I can realistically do? I have no family that I can go to.

What can I do other than these boundaries? Or he for that matter, given that this is a woman who isn't going to change, does not listen to or respect anyone else and rules everyone by fear, her own children included!

Give me some practical realistic suggestions. Getting angry with my partner over a person he can't control is just going to finish things between us, which is exactly what his mother does to people, wrecks things without a backwards glance. In fact, she has now decided to go to one of her other children and partners for Christmas, to interfere with their relationship next, which she has been doing for years.

Keep calm, basically. Keep talking to your DH about what's going on, without passion if you can. The calmer you appear, the more in control as a rule.

Simply stand your ground. If she directly challenges you, say that she is very well aware that an apology is owed to you and that you will gladly accept one.

I do think you need to keep talking to your partner. She's so damned intrusive that I think you also need to keep a record of every incident, how you dealt with it and what she said. This sounds a bit batshit in itself but actually if you have to take this to the police then a record can help.

Most of all I thin you have to keep calm and allow yoruself to appear rude. As others say, if she turns up tell her that it's not convenient, block her from entering the house.

You WILL have a big battle on before you can keep your own territory for your own. People who want to rule the roost hate people standing up to them. But in time, it will get better either by her accepting boundaries (unlikely in this case) or by going NC.

See this as a battle though. There is no middle line with someone like this, and you need to quite consciously plan how to handle her.

You're actually a bit lucky in a way here in that other people sometimes see her for what she is. So you're not completely alone. You probably have quite a lot of silent sympathy from other people!

From the way you talk you've read Toxic Parents and similar? Iirc (it's been a while) they do have some hints on what you can do to stand up to her steamrollering. Has your FIL got any hints too?

I think you also need to quietly keep chipping away at your partner, as I say, pointing out what she's doing and how she might destroy your relationship too.

About the suicide threat (which is one of the shittiest, shittiest thing any parent can ever do) .. I think that actually you need to unemotionally record that down too. In the end, if she does try, heartless as this sounds it's her responsibility not yours. From the sound of her, it's a stark choice: roll over and be a doormat and let her dominate you all, baby included, or let her lead her own life away from you no matter what she chooses to do.

seaeagle - spot on. My partner is well aware of what she is like, he's had years of it and doesn't have an answer, which is why getting mad with him solves nothing.

I have nothing to add OP, except to expect your DH to resent you for standing your ground here, which you absolutely must do.

Just bounce everything off that she throws at you. Keep resolute.

and he's very deeply conditioned too. It's hard to break away from that - though it does need to be done.

In practical terms, at this point it sounds like it's just endurance and record everything. Accept that to a few people, you will be seen as the bad guy. Most won't believe it though.

You say there is a shift in your DH's attitude - what sort of shift? towards peacemaking or towards you, standing the boundaries?

As I said before though, the strongest thing you can do is appear calm at all times. If people start being flying monkeys, thank them for their concern but say that keeping your distance from MIL is something you have to do. If they get persistant, turn it back on them, suggest that they invite her to tea more, that will soon shut them up :D From what you say though, you won't get many people ringing you up unless it's simply in their interests to shuffle her off in your direction.

Are there any particular situations you think that an outside perspective might help with?

continually asking him how I am

Tell your DP to say hi to MIL when he speaks to her next. Let him be the middle man.

You need to play people like this at their own game and most of all .... don't be alone with her.

In fact, would your DH consider changing his mobile number? if it isn't too giant a step?

Alternatively, buy a new mobile just for MIL and block her on his main phone, then give her the number of the new one. that way he can reply to her as and when, and not get 100 missed calls, if she goes in for that sort of thing.

Actually I don't think you should do anything at this stage.

If DH tries to make you attempt a reconciliation just smile and say it's not going to happen.

Stick to your boundaries and try to be serene.

This woman sounds impossible. You will never have a decent respectful relationship with her. Your OH is the key to all this. He either supports you 100% or your relationship will fail, and I think you are going to have to tell him that.

When you start a family together the deal is always that each of you puts the other one first, above friends, above family. Your OH brought this woman into your life, he has to protect you from her.

I'd stick to my guns about Christmas arrangements. Your OH is going to have to tell her that you won't come, because of her insults, and that if you're not coming then obviously the baby won't be coming either. Your OH can go, of course, but on his own. If his aunt, or any other relative, pesters you then tell them exactly what dear MIL has said and done. Job done.

You are asking for practical tips, OP. I'm not sure you need to do anything at present. You've gone NC and that's enough. Just stay NC. If your OH passes on good wishes just nod, don't say anything. Don't send any back. If he says she's coming to stay tell him that's not going to happen. If she turns up without either your invitation or agreement, then don't let her in. Be very calm and say that it's not convenient, and that she hasn't been invited.

Basically, just keep her out of your life and out of your home. Always tell OH he can visit her if he wants, but not with the baby. Stick to your guns.

I think I remember your thread before OP too but didn't post on it...

I'd be putting in place plans to leave DP over this as he wasn't helpful first time around and isn't helpful this time round re his mum.

Are you sure there aren't cultural differences etc second generation or something? Just seems that way to me too as well as to another poster (Wizz?) and especially re all the issues tied up together. Not sure what you can do apart from a costly injunction legally.

You've been very unlucky, OP, with first your own DM being EA and now your appalling ILs. Looking back over your previous threads it seems it's not that surprising your OH is being so useless. You don't appear to have been in a relationship that I'd expect to bear a lot of weight, given that before you got pregnant you were both having unprotected sex without having come to a decision about how committed you were, or even that you both actively wanted to start a family. This relationship wasn't strong before the baby, and I can't imagine your OH will be committed or feel strongly enough to battle his DPs on your behalf.

Looks like it's going to end up being just you and the baby in the near future. Given what hard work all your family seem to be it may make things a whole lot calmer and simpler.