M-i-L trying to be mum to my 6 month old baby

[MusicIsMedicine]

My mil's behaviour is disturbing.

When here, she tries to grab my baby out of arms! Then when I do let her hold baby, she refuses to hand her back to me when asked.

A few times I've been ill and had to go into hospital. She immediately got on a train here and took my daughter out on trips out in pram etc with my partner without my knowledge or consent (baby had been a bit poorly and didn't need to be out on a long walk to the supermarket in pram in 3 degree freezing weather, partner has a car).

Now, the clincher. She started telling me how my baby tries to breast feed her when I am not there. She lost one of her adult children some time ago and lives alone and out of nowhere after I came home after a day at hospital, phoned me up to tell me my baby should go away to live with her for 6 months!! My partner, her son and this child's father, wasn't even mentioned! It was as if she thought I was that ill and weak for a few weeks post pregnancy that I'd just say yes OK and baby's dad had no voice in it!

She is clearly missing the fact that struggling a bit with health post pregnancy doesn't mean I'd simply have my much loved and adored baby moving several hundred miles away to hers for 6 months. Over my dead body!

I was that gobsmacked by how casually she suggested it, like ordering a pizza, that I didn't respond with the outrage I felt. My partner doesn't understand why I'm so angry and won't confront her asking what her intentions are and why she'd think it OK to call me and suggest this behind his back.

I do genuinely think she has ideas that she can take my daughter away to fill the void on her empty life. She's in her late 60s!! She also tries to impose her views constantly on how our baby should be raised, ignores my wishes around our parenting, criticises and undermines me as a mum and thinks she knows what's best for my baby. She has a total lack of respect for others' boundaries. She also keeps trying to move into out home by leaning on me to agree to it, again cutting her son out of the loop as if he has no say in what happens with his own home or child.

Oh she also informed last time she stayed here, at 6am while taking over my kitchen again, that I should have my tubes tied! Again, gobsmacked doesn't cover it!

Help please before I crack up with anger. She is pushing buttons and she knows it.

Throwing the gauntlet down with him, I mean. That the boundaries are set, they are not moving and unless he supports that decision then he is effectively choosing his mother over you and the well being of his child. That is what I mean. no negotiation.

The woman sounds like a narc and the only way to deal with them is to nc.

From what you said he will not entertain that but you have to.

By the way, I'm a single parent and chose that over a toxic relationship. I had to.

I hope you manage to keep the boundaries in place, I really do.

OP please stop making this about MIL and start making it about YOU

I don't like it when you speak to MIL about me

I'm don't wish to spend cams woth MIL

No I don't want baby alone with her

Practice - tell DH what you want and what you don't

prawn those are some hugely incorrect assumptions. My partner and I were not simply having unprotected sex as you put it. We had actively decided that we both wanted to have a family together. We are both older parents, not a decision either of us entered lightly and I'm very confident in our commitment to each other. Believe me, someone with my previous health issues certainly cannot afford to be simply rushing into big life changes, which is why I waited until being older, having stability in my/or lives, health, housing, finances, work etc and generally having a settled life. We are both mature individuals who know what we want in life, not the reckless irresponsible types your post implies of us. Life's a serious business, there's no rewind button.

My DP is getting a lot of blame here for a situation he cannot do an awful lot about. We are talking about an extremely stubborn thick skinned parent who is unteachable, who has controlled others for decades and who has no concept of boundaries because she herself is a very damaged individual - it's not as simple to change that in the real world as just minimising contact or demanding DP somehow control her. Lol. That simply isn't going to happen. Which is why I am exploring realistic options.

What you must also remember is that mil acted very differently before and her real character was very well hidden. She was also not split from fil and had a home and had not lost one of her children, so these recent huge life changes have combined to make matters worse.

She herself has never "threatened" suicide, but there is a concern in the family that this could happen because she has essentially lost nearly everything - albeit some of it by her own doing. Hope that clarifies things a bit.

jeaux my relationship isn't toxic though. Other than mil, my relationship is generally very happy and contented. Partner is an excellent dad, he went above and beyond during an extremely difficult pregnancy, in fact, that alone would gave killed many less strong relationships. You suggest giving ultimatums with no negotiation - that also strikes me as likely to be unsuccessful and rather rigid and inflexible. Behaving in a way that could be perceived as unreasonable isn't going to give weight to my assertions that it is his mil with the issues. Nor do I see why our young baby should be deprived of having her father at home because of mil driving us apart - which is possibly exactly her aim. I have drawn boundaries that I now have no contact with mil, she is not welcome in my home after her previous behaviour and she has no unsupervised contact with lo. Not sure what throwing the gauntlet down means outside of this? Breaking up an otherwise happy family unit would be letting her win. She can then wade in with her I told you so's and how no one is good enough for her precious sons, etc, etc, when in fact it is her sabotaging relationships and driving people apart. I am not going to let her behaviour be the factor in us splitting up.

Nope that's all I meant that the boundaries you have set are non negotiable. If he understands that and doesn't start trying to change those boundaries then you at least have him onside. She is toxic. Clearly. I hope you have some peace and long may it continue x

jeaux he well understands those boundaries and he is well aware why they are necessary, he knows exactly what his mother is like! I think it was highly devious how she pretended to care about me to further her own agenda of moving in here, even going as far as trying to get ME onside and agreeing it behind her own son's back - because she is under no illusion that he'd say no. She's very, very sly. Now she is aware that she has overstepped the mark, she's given up interfering in our lives and reverted back to interfering in another sibling's life and insisting how that siblings should end their relationship! She just cannot help herself and is over involved in everything and addicted to interfering in everyone else's lives.

Just glad I've seen through her now rather than when lo was older. She is only nice when she wants something and I don't want people like that hurting my child.

Set some clear boundaries even it means hurting anyones feelings. Also count your self as lucky that you someone as devoted as yourself and your partner to help with the kids! Remember the saying 'it takes a village to raise a child'. Your Mil is going through loss try and support her also. Maybe go out for some lunch, write her a letter!

angela please read my earlier posts.

Music, well done though and honestly with your health situation and recovery on top of all this stress and being a new mum you have been incredibly strong.

Make sure you give him the look if he tries to re-negotiate boundaries. You know he has been conditioned for years so you'll probably have to keep him straight on those from time to time when she re-emerges from interfering in the other siblings lives.

Oh My God. How sinister! She has only gone and sent a postal christmas card to the baby! ! From "nanny"!

Very tempted to bin it. She has some front!

Not only has she sent a card, but it says on the verse inside, "babies make us see things differently" - oh my God, I'm actually quite scared of what this woman could be capable of!

Interesting how she can send baby a card and completely ignore her own son and dil. We didn't get a mention on the card! It's as if she's trying to create a "special" relationship between just her and my baby. Not that I would accept it, but she didn't even put so much as a fiver in for the baby, has never so much as bought her a baby grow or given us a penny to help, not that I'd take it, but that shows the kind of person we're talking about.

Wondering if I should just bin the card and not even acknowledge it to anyone. The cheek of her, having ignored me now for a good six weeks after working out I'm not impressed with her behaviour. She has no business at all sending my child a card after her mean behaviour to her last time she saw her.

Tempted to not even acknowledge the card to my DP?

No, I think you should tell him. You and he should be a totally united team here, which does mean telling him. If he starts saying that it's proof she's mellowing, then it's time to make it clear that if she wants a relationship with the baby then she needs to have one with you two, and that includes treating you both with genuine courtesy or at least civility.

If you don't tell him, she could in theory use it to manipulate things and drive a wedge between you "look how I tried to be nice and your wife didn't even tell you about the card I sent, woe is me, now I can play on your sympathy about your cruel wife". Don't hide what she's doing, and don't weaken that the only way to have a relationship with the baby is through you both.

What SeaEagleFeather wrote.

I would also tell him. I would also shred the card as well; do not give it any more power.

This card must not be at all acknowledged by either of you; radio silence must be maintained. Both of you must continue to present a united front.

His mother is disturbed in terms of personality; not just simply thick skinned and stubborn. Your only realistic option going forward with regards to his mother is for you as a family unit to have no contact with her whatsoever.

I forgot to mention, during her visits, she told me a few things involving DP's immediate family, then told me I was not to tell him I knew! What's that about? Is that an attempt to divide us?

Yes. It's manipulation. Tell him.

what springtown said.

by setting up little secrets, she is creating a subtle division which she can then play on more and more. From all you've said of her, she is trying to split you up and get a great deal of access to your baby. Division by creating secrets is a good tool in her arsenal.

It might be a very good idea to talk about this with your husband and say that it's essential you are a team, and that she is as destructive towards you as she is towards her other childrens' partnerships. So it's absolutely essential that you compare notes all the way along the line.

Good communication is crucial in a healthy partnership at the best of times. When you've got a hostile force aimed at you both, it's even more vital. Really can't overstate that.

What it says (the card and her telling you stuff about your DP) is that she is a sociopath. Yes tell him x

He won't act as a team!

Told him his aunt with no kids has no business whatsoever telling me what my child's sleeping arrangements should be. Why the fuck would a child less woman think she knows whats better for it than it's own mum and dad?

I've told him he should tell these family if hers to back off and stop imposing their opinions on us, but he just says ignore it. Easy for him as it's never aimed at him only me. I'm sooooo sick of it.

Tempted to just tell him if he can't be a supportive partner when his family behave like this, that I'm off. Not prepared to have a lifetime of this.

What's the steps towards leaving someone with a small baby in tow? How would I go about it?

Music look there are lots of people who try to wade in on things like that when you have a new baby. You just have to ignore it. The aunt thing is one of those I reckon. His mother is a whole different type of snake.

Those boundaries still holding up? X

Boundaries are fine and won't change or I leave, which he knows.

No don't hide the card -

What you are doing is further allowing DP the bother of dealing with the situation sweep the card under the carpet and DH yet again doesn't get a clear picture -

Tell him about the card - tell him how it makes you fell - how you see it as hurtful - tell him it's rude! (And weird)

You have to make it his problem because his MIL is making it yours - make him do the work

Then that's cool, the boundaries with the MIL are the thing that really matters. The aunt is just rude. (Big hug) xx

A petty thing came up tonight and turned into an all out war.

He said I speak disrespectfully about her!! I went fucking apeshit and said so it was OK for to treat me like shit and say mean disgusting things when no one is there and she can get away with it.

It escalated fast, I took off my engagement ring, put it down and said go and marry her then!

Said, you claim this crap but it was OK for her to refuse to hand over my new born when asked, snatch her, try to take her away, amongst reams of her appallingly rude catalogue of behaviour. Well guess what, if you won't grow a spine, you can Piss off. Not having my child seeing me treated like this.

He has stormed out.

Help! What do I do next? X

Lock the doors?

Seriously, he doesn't have your back. He must be as deranged as her if he thinks it is normal for anyone to want to hand over their newborn to their MIL for 6 months.

Stand your ground. Honestly this is not a time to back down in terms of her behaviour. Do you regret anything you said or was it all genuine and true? Xxx