M-i-L trying to be mum to my 6 month old baby

[MusicIsMedicine]

My mil's behaviour is disturbing.

When here, she tries to grab my baby out of arms! Then when I do let her hold baby, she refuses to hand her back to me when asked.

A few times I've been ill and had to go into hospital. She immediately got on a train here and took my daughter out on trips out in pram etc with my partner without my knowledge or consent (baby had been a bit poorly and didn't need to be out on a long walk to the supermarket in pram in 3 degree freezing weather, partner has a car).

Now, the clincher. She started telling me how my baby tries to breast feed her when I am not there. She lost one of her adult children some time ago and lives alone and out of nowhere after I came home after a day at hospital, phoned me up to tell me my baby should go away to live with her for 6 months!! My partner, her son and this child's father, wasn't even mentioned! It was as if she thought I was that ill and weak for a few weeks post pregnancy that I'd just say yes OK and baby's dad had no voice in it!

She is clearly missing the fact that struggling a bit with health post pregnancy doesn't mean I'd simply have my much loved and adored baby moving several hundred miles away to hers for 6 months. Over my dead body!

I was that gobsmacked by how casually she suggested it, like ordering a pizza, that I didn't respond with the outrage I felt. My partner doesn't understand why I'm so angry and won't confront her asking what her intentions are and why she'd think it OK to call me and suggest this behind his back.

I do genuinely think she has ideas that she can take my daughter away to fill the void on her empty life. She's in her late 60s!! She also tries to impose her views constantly on how our baby should be raised, ignores my wishes around our parenting, criticises and undermines me as a mum and thinks she knows what's best for my baby. She has a total lack of respect for others' boundaries. She also keeps trying to move into out home by leaning on me to agree to it, again cutting her son out of the loop as if he has no say in what happens with his own home or child.

Oh she also informed last time she stayed here, at 6am while taking over my kitchen again, that I should have my tubes tied! Again, gobsmacked doesn't cover it!

Help please before I crack up with anger. She is pushing buttons and she knows it.

"If she writes to you again, I'd return letter unopened".

I would instead shred the letter without opening it. She is expecting a response from you and that is a response. A response for such disordered of thinking people is the reward and that gives them a green light to bother you even more. Radio silence is necessary.

Do seek legal advice also.

I think it's time for your DH to decide who he least wants to upset - you are his mother. Don't be surprised if he chooses her over you

He is the problem here really as if it weren't for him, you could just ignore her and be completely NC and never see her again. He is not allowing you to have reasonable boundaries - either you roll over like everyone else in the family or you are the problem.

Tell him either he backs you in your decision not to have contact (he can still visit her whenever he wants) or you will have to consider your relationship. How would he react if you didn't answer the phone to her or refused her entry when she turns up uninvited and unannounced?

She doesn't live alone

Sorry your original post said she lives alone.

It is possible to put boundaries in place with someone who has no respect for others. That's when you know boundaries are definitely needed. You don't have to suffer or put up with this person's behaviour, regardless of her being "family".

I wouldn't respond to requests for your child to go to live with her. If she asks again I would say "no, our child stays with us" and leave it at that. What's she going to do? Come to your house and take the child? If she tried to do that you would call the police.

What can she actually do? Very little. I wouldn't cut her out of your child's life but I would supervise her visits quite closely.

I'm with Attila she sounds a bit like a narc and the only way to deal is by limited contact and respond only very factually when you need to. Say no....a lot

showmepotatosalad yes I meant alone as in no partner but yes she's not really alone I suppose when there's other people in the house.

Yes no way is my baby going anywhere. I have wondered is she trying to build a case against my/our parenting with the constant interference, comments about feeding, sleeping, clothing, everything, you name it. Despite her nonsense critique, baby is wonderfully contented and happy! Just because I've had health issues doesn't mean my child should go and live elsewhere, but she is that outrageous that she'd give that a try!

I think attila is right about needing legal advice.

Do you mean she might call social services against you in a bid to get the baby? She wouldn't have a case at all. I agree with you - health issues have no bearing in this situation and you also have a DH so why would the baby be taken away?

It's awful to live in fear of something like that happening and I'm so sorry she's been so horrible that you're now feeling like this. Just keep repeating to yourself that your baby is staying with you, reassure yourself that you and DH are more than capable in your parenting and a crazy person is not going to stop that.

showmepotatosalad Aw thank you. Yes you're right, she is insane. It IS awful living like this and someone using your health against you. As if it's not hard enough to adjust to being a first time mum. The ironic thing is that despite my health stuff, my baby's needs have always come first. She has never breast fed and doesn't understand how demanding it is. I think her going around calling me an invalid is just cruel and she is trying to make a case with people that don't even know me, that I can't cope and she's the hero swooping in to the rescue.

The more I think about it, she always had an agenda with me from day one. Within weeks of me and partner dating, she had phoned me up and suggested we'd be living together soon and why didn't I get a job in a bank and get a mortgage so she could sell her old house (right from under fil!) and move in with us! Had forgotten that one!

I would not be one bit surprised if she called social services or tried to get custody. Every time I've had to go into hospital, she's turned up uninvited so she can get her hands on baby without me there.

Then when I come back home, being sat there right in my face and not letting me have space to rebond with my baby... And saying loudly to the baby, well I'm not your mum! - I wonder just what point she was trying to make there. It was totally needless and uncalled for. What will she be saying to my daughter about me later down the line if she thinks that's OK now!

It wouldn't surprise me one bit if she's trying to engineer it so I leave and then can't cope with baby on my own, so she can try and take baby off me. The using my health against me trick is particularly malicious. A normal decent human being would offer support and help, not judging and suggesting taking my child away.

attila I think that's bang on about the letter. The best response is no response with people like this, as you are dammed if you do, damned if you don't.

Does she have any legal rights ie can she use my health stuff to try and take away my baby?

No she doesn't.

But a lawyer would be a big help anyway

I'm a MIL and am used to reading DIL threads criticising their MILs for often fairly trivial things, but this is beyond the pale. I know everyone has said it, but you DH is colluding with her behaviour by refusing to confront her and believe me she needs confronting. I don't think I've ever read anything so disturbing about a MIL - my question is "why are you not putting pressure on DH to sort her out and stand up to her...."

OK I will say something that moms might find strange but the birth of grandchildren (especially the 1st) does actually bring back the time when you were a young mom and you feel the same sort of love and protection that you did all those years ago. However you have to play that card close to your chest. I am fortunate with lovely DILs who have always been very generous with letting us have the children, even from young babies. But I have never interfered and always told them that I trust a mother's intuition and I do, absolutely. I remember holding my 3mth DGD (the 2nd one) and whispering "I wish you were mine" - I shocked myself and had no idea that thought was going to come into my mind. I was upstairs at the time with her but the monitor was on and I was terrified that my DIL and son had heard but I could tell they hadn't or I'm sure they'd have said something! I know I will get flamed but I'm sorry I'm just being honest. What I'm trying to say is that having GC does bring out emotions in you, for which you are not prepared and don't know how to handle. As the years go by, things normalise. The important thing is that you never let on to your son and dil that you felt this way when the GC were first born. I've talked to friends who are also GPs and they have confessed to similar feelings.

BUT your MIL needs stopping - now. Yes she does sound like she is psychologically disturbed in some way but that's not your problem. You need to get DH to see how wrong this is on every level and stand up to his mother.

It sounds very much like it's you v mil here OP; what does the man that ties you to this dreadful woman have to say?

magicchanges thanks for the input. As you say, it's one thing having feelings, quite another trying to take a baby away from it's parents. I think my partner is reluctant to confront her in case she does anything stupid, not that it would be his fault if she did. She has everyone around living in Fear Obligation and Guilt and that isn't an easy cycle to break.

What is really tiresome is having our place as our child's parents undermined and disregarded. Mil will just lift my sleeping baby out of bed to fill her own selfish wants, thinks nothing of waking a sleeping baby and would leave baby in a wet nappy all day if left on her own. I came out of hospital and my partner had gone to work, leaving his mother with baby, without my knowledge or consent and when I came home my baby had appalling nappy rash which has never happened before.

In the summer, it was baking hot and baby was in one layer, because I knew from experience how quickly lo was baking hot in multiple layers, she followed me into my bedroom and demanded to know where's the vest!! See what I mean about her making out we don't know what's best for our own child!

We took her in from a walk once and before I could even do anything she raced across the room and whipped her hat off as if I am the most remiss mum in the world. It's all done and made out in such a sly devious way and her whipping her head round sharply to look at me when baby cries, never my partner, just me, as if I'm not moving fast enough - this was being done after I had surgery and again after 12 weeks of severe illness when I was a bit weakened and couldn't sprint at the lightning speed she expects.

We went out for a walk one day about 2 weeks post birth. I had a dreadful pregnancy in which I nearly died and was in no way recovered and she made a big fuss about me not walking fast enough then went marching on ahead, then told me I still looked 9 months pregnant - 2 weeks post birth! It's just mean and spiteful and not what you say to a woman that's just had a baby.

I think it escaped her that I'm simply glad and grateful to have survived and got baby here safely!

Everything is about how she was better at this that and the other and she had it harder, etc, etc. She hasn't got a clue what I went through and how hard I work to breastfeed and look after baby. The trying to grab her out of arms is just insane.

You say you have strong feelings, now just imagine how strong the feelings are when you've suffered massively and medics didn't think you or your baby would make it, then that baby is born tiny and early and wipes you out with constant round the clock feeding and you end up in hospital then people dare to imply your poor health means that baby should live with them! She calls my baby naughty for being hungry!!

The worst thing that anyone can do to a new mum is make them feel inferior after a massive health struggle. I had hyperemesis pregnancy and had to go into hospital on drips and meds all the time. Mil even tried to make out I was doing something wrong by having anti sickness meds, even after I couldn't keep a meal or drinks down for over ten days and was having chest thumping Ketosis from starvation!

Then, because I was too weak to hold baby for long or put her in a pram right away and go for long walks, it was all criticism then too. She actually destroyed my own confidence as a mum in those early days so much that she had me believing I didn't deserve my baby and that the baby would be better in care with stronger fitter people!! The reality is no one loves a baby like it's own mother, I think I've proven that by breastfeeding her day and night for months and spending all my time with her except when ill.

Mil has been doing a job on me, that's for sure. This thread has helped me loads, thank you.

cary he seems blind to it, or so used to her that he does not realise the damage she is doing. I have told him I am deeply unhappy. I don't think he realises how close she has come to ending our relationship!

Again OP let him read this thread. X

Then tell him OP, make him see! Like jeaux advises, show him the thread. We can only advise you my love, but he needs to know what we know. Then he needs to step up Good luck

In the UK grandparents have no automatic rights of access re their grandchildren. I would not worry myself unduly about her being able to take your child away.

Do seek legal advice re MIL to take out some sort of harassment or non molestation order and seek reassurances on the above point from a person like a Solicitor.

Your man cannot hide behind his own inertia, fear, obligation and guilt any more; his own family unit that he himself also created is on the line here.

Don't show him this thread

He won't see what we see

All he will see is you bitching about his mother behind his back

Is there some kind of cultural difference in yr background?

sobriquet you got it. He has a strange Stockholm like syndrome. He says just to ignore her, so he knows she's in the wrong. I think he's scared to confront her also because she plays the victim and gets sulky and he gets the silent treatment. Funny how adult males don't recognise or understand that this behaviour from a parent is emotionally abusive.

One thing is for sure, she is not pulling that crap with my child in the longer term.

I'm already thinking of how to combat this in the future now. This thread has given me some amazing clarity and insight. Thank you all.

wizzy no cultural difference as such, but definitely a generational difference.

It does seem as though everyone is colluding with this woman's controlling behaviour. OP you say your DP won't confront her because he's afraid she 'd "do something stupid" - like what? She's already doing lots of stupid things! I'm wondering about the r/ship between you and DP because I don't think many mothers would tolerate this sort of thing - it's way beyond anything acceptable. What about you - are you wary of confronting her for some reason - because of DP's reaction or something else. Sorry to sound direct but you just seem to be telling us more and more dreadful things that your MIL is doing.

Why don't you and or DP do something about it - if DP won't then it's down to you OP. Do you honestly just stand by and let her pick up your sleeping baby - if you do, then I'm sorry but nothing is going to change.

Sorry I've just seen your posts above and you mention DP has the Stockholm Syndrome? He's scared to confront her because she sulks and he gets the silent treatment. I guess this has been going on since he was a child and if so the chances of that dynamic changing are pretty much zero. She knows what she's doing and know she can get away with it because she's the dominant parent and DP is still the scared child. BUT he has a child of his own now and it looks like the pattern will be repeated. I know you say it'snot going to happen with your child in the "longer term" but it's already happening OP in front of your eyes.

You say you are trying to think of ways to combat her behaviour in the future - it needs to be now - there's not a moment to waste. You've already shown her that she can behave in a totally unacceptable way. I think you need to tell DP that as he won't do anything about it, then you will, or not as the case may be.

magicchanges of course I don't let her grab baby, after the first and last time it happened I went apeshit. But they are making me out unreasonable!

No its not happening right now as I have gone no contact with her. Have told DP that the relationship will end if he doesn't start properly listening to me and dealing with his mother. As far as I am concerned she is not seeing me or baby until and unless she agrees to my boundaries and gives me my place as my child's mother.

I have learned a lot from this, namely that she is a toxic, controlling narcissist and to never depend on her for anything or ask for any support or advice.

She has written me a letter now in a chatty tone and acting as if nothing has happened, so I now look unreasonable if I don't reply or call her - very manipulative tactics. She has not called me for a month now, because she hasn't got her own way - before this she pretended to be interested and put on an act. People like her punish you with silence which is all part of the routine of making others out to be the issue. She will do this until I'm the one apologising to her even though I've done nothing wrong.

I have no intention of apologising or being the one to build bridges this time. She has crossed a line and she knows it.

Due to her personal circumstances, there is a concern in the family that she may kill herself and therefore everyone is tiptoeing round her, DH included and letting her appalling behaviour go.

I'm preparing myself to accept that as previous posters correctly stated, that my DH won't stand up to her and there will be further issues and if he doesn't put his foot down, he will lose this relationship and that his not listening to me and taking my feelings seriously is going to end up killing my feelings for him.

I don't really appreciate the inferences that I'm a bad mother or am "letting" things happen. Some of these incidents occurred when I was either extremely ill or in hospital and couldn't do anything other than go nuts at DP or discharge myself from hospital and that really wasn't an option as I was in no fit state to leave hospital.

No pattern of silent treatment or passive aggressive punishment is going to repeat or be done to my child, because I will remove from our lives anyone that behaves in this way to my child. She is not coming back in our home or having any contact with baby unless things change and if DP doesn't support that, I will have no option but to end the relationship. Fil who is glad to see the back of her said she's a wrecker and that she wrecks things without a second thought. I actually think she could be a sociopath.

Good for you OP. Very glad that you are standing your ground and are even ready to separate from DP if he fails to deal with his mother. Oh god this scare about suicide - it's just another of her tactics to get her own way. She's an arch manipulator and it sounds like she has been "assisted" by others walking on egg shells around her. I don't think there's the slightest chance she will commit suicide. Even if she was motivated (which I'm sure she's not) it's not an easy thing to do and many try and fail.

The chatty letter is obviously her way of getting back in your good books. Glad to hear you are not having any contact with her. Thinking ahead, just look at the damage she could do once your child is older - filling her head with all sorts of lies about you and causing confusion to your child.

What do you know about the way DH was parented and his r/ship with his mother - was the dynamic always the same - that she sulked and he got the silent treatment - this is very abusive actually and can do a lot of harm to the child. Might be worth talking to him about how things were when he was younger - he may need help to change.