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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Just found out about affair, what to do next?

163 replies

user1469355808 · 28/11/2016 15:58

So my husband and I decided to separate a few weeks ago (his idea) and have been living like strangers in the home since then. Today he left for 'the office' and left his email open and I found a lot of emails to another woman, he is clearly having an affair. There is a lot of talk about their sex life. He also mentions other affairs. We have been together for 15 years, married for 10, 2DC. His job has always required a lot of travel and this person is not in the UK. Part of me is relieved because now I can move on from a bad relationship but I need some advice on what to do now. He is leaving for another business trip on Wednesday. He will be back just before Christmas. Do I confront or just wait till he leaves and then tell him I know? Obviously I am feeling quite stabby right now, but I am worried about what he might do if found out. There has never been any violence in our marriage but sometimes when people are backed into a corner they do stupid things. Also it would make the tension in the house unbearable. Can I tell him not to come back? It is his home, he has covered and paid all bills since we got married. My name is not on the deed. I have been a SAHM since having kids. Before that his job made it difficult for me to keep a job as I would travel with him. We are definitely getting divorced, there is no going back from this. Help! Need some words of wisdom. Will try to respond when I can but he might be home soon. Also I forwarded as many of the emails I could to myself before the school run for evidence and deleted any evidence of that from his email so he should not be aware that I know.

OP posts:
newroundhere · 06/12/2016 16:03

I don't have any advice, just wanted to say that you're doing great OP Flowers. And that I hope all goes as well as it can do when you tell your DC.

ddrmum · 06/12/2016 16:28

Hi OP you're doing brilliantly. Don't let him in the house to 'tell the children' as he may refuse to leave and that would be more damaging for your children if he causes a scene & police have to remove him. I pretty much guarantee that he'll make a scene, be all contrite etc etc......yawn.........You're calling the shots now. He can get used to that! For you Flowers

FantasticButtocks · 06/12/2016 17:34

I'd tell him you've already told the dcs. Then do so. Less traumatic than any kind of effort to do it together which, however well intentioned, can be rather false and a bit of a 'performance'. You can choose to tell them in a straightforward, gentle and honest way, without it being dramatic at all. Then move on to pizza, Lego or whatever (sorry can't remember their ages...) If they need more info, they'll ask.

Rooster44 · 06/12/2016 18:25

Frankly it's a bit late in the day for him to be wanting to play the caring daddy. I agree with pp that you decide how and when to tell the dc. He certainly hadn't been putting them first in all of this. You as their mummy will know when it's the right time. Don't be dictated to by him at all.

And yes, I've been following this thread and think you are doing incredibly!!!

Buttercupsandaisies · 06/12/2016 19:15

Hi wow OP jus read this thread and you've been amazing! Such a shock but you seem to be coping so well.

However not to be doom and gloom but how does all this work if it's his house and you are not on the deeds and haven't contributed to it financially? I would have thought he could move straight back in as its his house by law? Sorry not trying to be negative

40somethingwonderful · 06/12/2016 19:39

You're doing amazing 💐💐💐💐

Doublemint · 07/12/2016 21:38

I think your plan is good. Tell your DCs and don't go to mediation. Then he can tell them on his own and you can get on with sorting out the legal side without any risk of him manipulating either situation.

goddessofsmallthings · 08/12/2016 08:35

Assuming you have informed him in a minimalist email that you have now told your dcs in an age-appropriate way (with no mention of the d-i-v-o-r-c-e word which is way above their comprehension) that their df will be living elsewhere and you fired that particular salvo off last night, we can now turn our attention to his mention of mediation 'to save on fees'.

I would hazard a guess that he's spoken to a divorced friend/colleague or has spent time searching 'divorce adultery' online and is clutching at straws has come to the conclusion that he'll be able to bamboozle you in mediation sessions while saving on solicitors' fees.

You're under no obligation to consider mediation at this stage as attendance at MIAMs (mediation and assessment meetings) only becomes compulsory when warring divorcing couples cannot agree on the finances and/or the childcare arrangements and intend to seek court orders to resolve their disputes.

However, it should be noted that spouses who have been subjected to domestic violence/abuse are exempt from this recent rule and there is no requirement for divorcing couples to actually resolve their differences through multiple sessions of mediation.

Fwiw, mediators are not allowed to dispense legal advice and, if you would feel intimidated by sitting in the same room as your h, you can ask for shuttle mediation whereby the two parties sit in separate rooms while the mediator 'shuttles' between them.

I would suggest you send a further email tomorrow evening or Saturday morning saying that 'With reference to your suggestion of mediation, I understand that this will only be necessary if our respective solicitors are unable to reach an accord with regard to financial and childcare arrangements. As I will be asking only for that to which I am legally entitled I do not anticipate that mediation will be required and, in any event, I will be led by my solicitor's advice in this matter".

That should cheer him up for the weekend make it clear that he won't be dictating terms to you. Unless you are able to come across as being coldly dispassionate, I would suggest you resist the temptation to put my words into yours because he'll be looking for a chink in your armour and will seize on any turn of phrase you may use that suggests weakness or wavering.

As for what you're legally entitled to, given your circumstances as stated here and the ages of your dc I would suggest 80% of the equity of the marital home, 50% of all other property/investments/savings/etc, child maintenance, spousal support, and 50% of his pension fund.

I suspect that during all of the hours he's spent fantasising about his wonderful new life with the ow, the dick-led idiot saw himself as having more or less the same disposable income and assets that he currently enjoys... stupid twunt!

I'm wondering how long it will take him to reach the conclusion that he's made a terrible mistake, that it's you he truly loves, and he starts begging for another chance.

myoriginal3 · 08/12/2016 09:52

'Dick-led idiot'

That has to become a new mn term!

wineandsunshine · 08/12/2016 10:11

Wow have just read the thread. What a strong woman you are OP! Well done you Flowers

Kr1stina · 08/12/2016 10:45

Great advice from goddess

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 08/12/2016 10:56

I can see it must be horrible to be going through this, but you are managing incredibly well and, once this is over, you will feel so much better. Why not think of it as getting rid of x stone of ugly fat (x being however much he weighs). Grin

boo2410 · 08/12/2016 16:35

OP, have just read the whole thread. You are remarkably strong. You've had great advice from other posters, I've got nothing to add but want to wish you all the very best.FlowersFlowersFlowers

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