Just found out about affair, what to do next?

[user1469355808]

So my husband and I decided to separate a few weeks ago (his idea) and have been living like strangers in the home since then. Today he left for 'the office' and left his email open and I found a lot of emails to another woman, he is clearly having an affair. There is a lot of talk about their sex life. He also mentions other affairs. We have been together for 15 years, married for 10, 2DC. His job has always required a lot of travel and this person is not in the UK. Part of me is relieved because now I can move on from a bad relationship but I need some advice on what to do now. He is leaving for another business trip on Wednesday. He will be back just before Christmas. Do I confront or just wait till he leaves and then tell him I know? Obviously I am feeling quite stabby right now, but I am worried about what he might do if found out. There has never been any violence in our marriage but sometimes when people are backed into a corner they do stupid things. Also it would make the tension in the house unbearable. Can I tell him not to come back? It is his home, he has covered and paid all bills since we got married. My name is not on the deed. I have been a SAHM since having kids. Before that his job made it difficult for me to keep a job as I would travel with him. We are definitely getting divorced, there is no going back from this. Help! Need some words of wisdom. Will try to respond when I can but he might be home soon. Also I forwarded as many of the emails I could to myself before the school run for evidence and deleted any evidence of that from his email so he should not be aware that I know.

Well done, adrenalin will move you forward. Just be aware that you may crash at some stage. Just be prepared for it and plan to recover. It may mean you need to sleep more than usual. Take care of yourself, try to eat really well by priortising yourself and get relaxation in some form.

Another one adding her support! Your strength OP is inspirational, well done.

Go you! I am so impressed with how prepared you already are. As others have said, be mindful of a crash. Look after yourself with good and rest.

Hi, just reading your messages. Thanks for asking if I am eating, I keep forgetting and then waking up starving in the night but I'm trying to remind myself. First time in my life I've had no appetite. To the person whose friend is looking for evidence I sympathise. Even though I've long suspected it is so difficult to get hard evidence. I hope your friend can find a way out.
I've re-read their emails in detail and I'm so so livid. I cannot believe that some people can be so self-absorbed. The OW asked him about the hardest time in his life and he said it was when his cousin stopped talking to him for a few months over a misunderstanding. He couldn't understand why I wasn't there for him. My mother had died shortly before this incident after a very long drawn out battle with cancer.
He apologised to the OW for a previous affair (2 night stand) contacting him on FB. He didn't want her to get jealous because she just wanted to talk to him about issues in her life. He said they ended their fling a year ago. We've been married for almost 10.
He even sent her a picture of him and me at our university graduation, she thinks I am beautiful. I do not reciprocate. He sends her pictures of my children and says he can't wait to integrate her into their lives!!! He takes pictures and videos of his dinners and flights for her. I only know his itinerary because he sent it to her. And for anyone who asked, yes they plan to meet up on this trip and he is probably balls deep in her now.
I'm not jealous of the attention he is giving her, I am glad to get rid. They deserve each other. The thing that is pissing me off is the lack of understanding and support I have had for this entire relationship. Both my parents have passed while we were together, his are still alive and kicking and he has no idea what that did to me. I have raised two children on my own and constantly moved for his job before they got to school age. To far flung countries, not the next town over. And once they started school he still continued travelling.
I can he see he blames me for the financial burden but grown ups need to put on their grown up pants and get on with it. I've never demanded anything, I scrimp and save where possible. I don't enjoy the day to day drudgery of children but I got on with it and never blamed anyone especially him. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only person in the world with kids and neither is he the only man with a job. I just can't get my head around it. This is a total headfuck.
Sorry for the essay but I needed to write this down. I've lurked on these boards for years and it's easy to forget that each poster is a real person. I have my STI check tomorrow and I'll transfer money to my account tomorrow. Was going to wait till next week to drop the bomb on him but can't see that I need to wait any longer once the money is transferred.
For the poster who asked, we had sex last in October just before his last trip but didn't have any for the last two weeks when he was here. He did try it on but I said no. And then I only found out about the affair this Monday. Cannot believe that it is only Thursday. Thanks for reading.

Channel your anger to create security for yourself.

You do now know that finding all of this liberates you from having to live your life revolving around his needs. You can now choose to live where you and the children are settled, how you spend your time (finances permitting), who you spend your time with. You may not see this now but one day you will feel this freedom.

I'm sorry for the loss of your parents

Keep going. You are doing brilliantly. Well done for reading through for evidence but do avoid going back over them because it is unnecessary torture.
Could you set an alarm on your phone to remind you to eat? Or have a mental rule that you eat when the dc do?
I'm so sorry about your parents and the lack of support he have you during such a difficult time. I'm so angry for you.
I am hoping for clear results from your test tomorrow (although having typed that it sounds a little creepy)

The not eating thing is hormone related - when you have had a big shock your body goes into fight or flight mode, and shuts down all except the most basic functions - appetite included.

Its why its really important to be much more conscious about eating and why we are reminding you, because you will need your strength. It took about 3 weeks before I felt like eating again after d-day.

Sounds like you're doing all the right things, OP.

He deserves everything that's coming to him: the loss of his home, the hit to his reputation, and the loss of 'control' over the situation, which he was clearly trying to orchestrate so he looked like the good guy (while trying to cheat you out of what he truly owes you for his career/children/life/etc)

Take care of yourself, OP.

You are doing so well Op..

Do lean on your friends...You need time to vent all your emotions...

OP - it must have been so so hard to read those emails. The messages I found my STBXH had sent to OW were horrible for me to read. The worst thing I did was to keep re reading them. Even now when I have a low moments I am tempted. It does sometimes help keep the anger there but generally it just makes things worse. Please try not to read them again - it is easier said than done, believe me I know but put them away safe and resist as much as you can. I can't believe he was sending pictures of your kids. That really is awful.
Please also be careful when you tell his mum. Be prepared for different outcomes. She may be really supportive and on your side or may not want to believe you and side with him. My MIL despite trying to be supportive to me and clearly angry and annoyed with STBXH is still very much on his side and basically choosing to ignore what he has done. In my case blood is thicker than water applies. Definitely tell mutual friends though. I have discovered just how many true friends I have. All are disgusted with his behaviour & several have commented on him looking so guilty & full of shame when they have seen him. Don't think he expected to be in this position when he initially tried to pretend we were just needing a trial separation since we weren't getting on!

Splishing

Thanks for your concern. A few years ago I saw him messaging another woman on FB late at night. Went absolutely ballistic at him the next day and demanded to see the messages but he had deleted them all. We were at his mum's for Christmas and I was feeling so vulnerable I had a chat with her. Even though we have had our differences in the past, she was totally understanding, she said she was surprised about that part of his character and she fully supported me if I wanted a divorce. She also is not very good at keeping secrets and a few weeks later he got scathing messages from his sister telling him what a horrible person he was to cheat. And his mom doesn't trust him at her house either since then. He has got 3 sisters, all married and none seemingly inclined to cheat. Two already are not fond of him. I've known them all for 15 years. I'm pretty sure they will rip him a new asshole once they find out. Image is very important to them and also culturally with him being the only son, he will in their eyes bring shame to their family.

As promised here are the 5 easy moves that should leave him reeling and feeling as if he's been run over by a steamroller:

1. If he calls, texts, or emails over the next few days, don't answer the phone or respond in any way, If you have no way of knowng if he's calling, hang up as soon as you hear his voice and resist the temptation to answer if/when he calls back. If he gets someone else to call you cite technical problems with your phone(s) and say you'll contact him as soon as you can.

1. On a day of your choosing send him a text to say that you've sent him an email. If you've battened down the hatches financially, I would suggest Saturday or Sunday.

1. The email will read as follows:

"Having been made aware* that you are having an affair [ if you know it add 'with ...her name...' ], and that this is not the first time you have committed adultery during our marriage, I have instructed my solicitor to file for divorce forthwith. Please provide an address for service, otherwise the documents will be sent to you at [ his employer's name ].

Your clothing and other personal possessions have been packed and are available to be collected by courier during the next 10 days. Please give 24 hours notice of the time/date the boxes will picked up, otherwise they will be sent to a storage facility for you to collect at your leisure.

My solicitor will be writing to you regarding contact arrangements, child maintenance payments and other financial matters. I have told the children that, as mummy and daddy can no longer live together, you will be living elsewhere and have assured them that they will be able to visit and stay with you in your new home.

Under the circumstances I am sure you will understand that, henceforth, it is in our joint best interests for all communication between us to be conducted through our respective solicitors."

1. Tell his dm that he is having another affair and that you intend to divorce him - on no account should you disclose how you've come to know that he's committing adultery yet again. Add that, apparently, he can't wait to take the dc abroad to meet the ow < hollow laugh > as that should go down like a lead balloon. Say that your disillusionment with him is complete and that you will be divorcing him. Keep it brief for the time being, don't slag him off, and ask her if she'll store his belongings in her spare room/garage/shed as he's no longer welcome in your home and you don't wish the dc to be exposed to a negative or argumentative atmosphere at any time, let alone Christmas.

1. As far as he's concerned maintain radio silence, don't respond to any phone calls/text messages, and report here if he emails you.

*'Having been made aware' has been carefully chosen to drive him nuts wondering how you've found out. He'll be racking his brains, running through a list of his friends/enemies and trying to work out which of them know and who told you, He may even come to suspect that the ow has been in touch with you - that should add to the joy of their liaison. He may never twig that he made you aware of his duplicity by leaving his email account open,

He will be floored, winded, and the beauty of it is that he won't have be able to consult a solicitor until he returns to the UK, by which time it will almost be Christmas and he'll struggle to find a firm that can see him this side of the holidays.

His frustration will know no bounds. He will be seething, as well as fearful of the ramifications to come and I confidently predict more than a few sleepless nights and a higher number of trips to the lavatory than usual for Mr Loser User. In any event, I very much doubt that he'll have a very merry Christmas with his mom and sisters on his case

Addendum: your h is man who doesn't like to be thwarted and you've got a team of expert thwarters rooting for you here, OP.

He would be singularly ill-advised to turn up on your doorstep shouting the odds as a call to the police will see him removed from your home and give you grounds to apply for non-molestation and occupation orders. I leave it to your discretion as to whether you drop this information into his dm's shell-like over the course of the next week or so as you alone can calculate the odds of it filtering through to him, and whether it is likely to dissuade him from fetching up unannounced.

On a more personal note, as the shock of your discovery can be likened to being hit by a truck and having your guts eviscerated with red hot knives, please be kind to yourself. Try to eat little and often - a can of soup, a sandwich, a slice of toast - and stay hydrated. Heavy emotional blows can compromise our immune systems - take vitamins C and D and a B complex daily to ward off winter colds and other debilitating ailments that you can't afford to get at the moment.

I'm so very sorry you have lost both of your dps, but please take comfort in knowing that their love for you will never die and that they are by your side in times of despair as well as times of joy - you will be joyous again and it will happen faster than you may currently believe possible.

goddess of small things

I am totally on your wavelength. In fact, before I fell asleep I drafted a very similar email and I've used bits of yours to add in a few lines. I definitely want him to squirm and I've already told my inner circle not to call the house phone if they don't ring my mobile first. If he FaceTimes with the kids that is fine but I will cut him off if he tries to speak to me.

I know his mom will want to know details but I will keep it as short as possible and reassure her that once the dust settles she will still be able to have a relationship with the kids and that I want to keep the drama to a minimum. She won't be able to handle the not knowing which means she will ring him and he will have to explain his actions and then she'll start ringing his sisters creating drama like I planned. I want him to have the same feeling of being sucker punched like I did.

I know the radio silence will drive him nuts because he will see he is no longer in control of the situation and as someone mentioned narcissism, I've googled the traits and it's like he's in the room. Hindsight is a bitch! These things are so subtle.

Thanks for your kind words re my parents. They did make me well up even though they passed years ago.

This is a time when less will very definitely be more, OP.

He will be fit to be tied, screaming like a stuck pig to his mistress/anyone else who'll listen, and if you keep to 'having been made aware' he may well come to suspect that she has made contact with you in order to force his hand, so to speak. Of couse if he were to get that idea in his head, it would be cruel to disillusion him because he's a man who always has to be right.

Do you think there's any chance he might curtail his trip citing some emergency or other at home and fly back in a hurry in an attempt to gain control/browbeat you?

You are doing so well OP. Doing everything right and staying clear headed at what must be such a god awful time for you.

You are being so strong but there will be times when the floodgates open and it all comes crashing down on you. That is ok, healthy and normal. We are all rooting for you here!

I can't add to the excellent advice already given OP, but I want you to know that I handled my divorce from an adulterer in much the same way that you plan to.

My ex, like your h was (and still is) a very entitled, arrogant man. He was having an affair for years before I finally got strong enough to throw him out. Unlike you, I didn't have concrete proof, although one of our DD's did see a couple of incriminating texts on his phone from OW. He really ramped up the nasty, cruel behaviour once I filed for divorce. I had all my ducks in a row, and had already seen an SHL the week before I threw him out. He had no idea. I threw him out on the Wednesday, and he received the papers at work the Friday of the following week. He went ballistic. He couldn't believe that little old me had the audacity to divorce him.

He got really nasty, he told our kids that I had pushed him to the edge of a breakdown, He tore up the papers and had to be served again. He ignored further solicitor letters, refused to disclose financial info, ignored the courts and went off the radar. Thankfully my SHL had seen it all before, and knew exactly how to proceed. The thing is, whilst he was being as obstructive as possible, he was living with the OW! At the time I couldn't fathom why he was trying to make our divorce so painful and difficult, when he was with the woman he had been seeing for years.

With hindsight I know that he did this because he could. He couldn't bear me being in control. His ego couldn't cope with me coping without him. His solicitor told my SHL that he said "This is moving way to fast, I don't like it, so I will dictate if and when this proceeds.' His arrogance was breathtaking. If he had played ball, it would have taken six months. It took 16 months, and cost him a fortune. He finally realised that he wasn't above the law, and was forced to comply.

His utter fury with me is still there, nearly six years later. He hated that I told his family, my family etc the simple truth, as well as mutual friends. The 'she's a fruit loop, she'd push any one to an affair, I nearly had a breakdown' myth that he'd repeatedly told any one who'd listen didn't wash, because people saw me as a dignified strong woman who had been treated disgracefully. He lost some of his closest friends. And he blamed me, for it all. He never had the balls to put his hands up and say 'I did this.'

I've told you this OP because I think my ex and your h are cut from similar cloth. He will get nasty, you will cope if you keep your dignity and have the best solicitor you can find.

Well done so far.

Glad to hear that your MIL is likely to be supportive as well as his sisters. It sounds like you will have a good support system with them.

Not meaning to hijack your thread OP but just wanted to say - Cary2012 - your words have helped me so much this morning. While our situations are not exactly the same (mine started the legal process although he is the one now delaying it, nor is he living with OW) the attitude my STBXH has sounds so similar to your ex. Had a rough week and your words have helped me understand a little why my STBXH is being the way he is. Just hate this all so much. How can the person you fell in love with change so much, become so nasty all because of OW? I am convinced there must be a school somewhere that teaches the LCB how to behave to cause maximum destruction!

I'm glad you took my advice and google narcissism..be prepared for him to rage and go ballistic...its called 'narcissistic injury'. You're about to wound him like he's never been wounded before, the mask he wears to present the 'perfect image' is about to slip and he's going to be exposed for the entitled twat he is.

It's all about image management for these people, I didn't go public about my Narcissistic Ex wife (Yes this disorder manifests itself in women too) but I did tell her brothers and her parents before she got the chance to spin her distorted side of the story. I love the fact you are using the term 'Been made aware', thats going to drive him nuts!

Getting a solicitor is expensive but the only way to deal with him, I fannied about for 18 months listening to my ex saying we can do this without the expense and be amicable...they do it so they can manipluate you and stab you in the back the second they ge the chance. I was advised to hire a solictor that you ould least fancy getting in an arguement with..

There are some excellent blogs and resources for dealing with these types...check out www.chumplady.com, She's written a fantastic book and has a blog and forum for support..her mantra is "Leave a cheater, gain a life".

I genuinely wish you all the best in what you are about to do, its frightening but strangely liberating at the same time. Good luck!

@Cary2012 wrote an excellent post above...as she mentions be prepared for him to drag your name through the mud, it's called "The smear Campaign". These types of people all play from the same handbook.

What ever you do, no matter how ridiculous his statements are DO NOT REACT, it's all an act to make you look like the crazy one. People will see through his bullshit, and those that don't you need to ask yourself "Do i really need these people in my life"

If he starts crazy making, walk away, bite your tongue, when safe to do so scream and cry like a banshee if it makes you feel better. Limit the people you vent to as well, I had a friend who'd been through the same experience and he became my "Venting Sponge" and because he'd been through it all as well and knows how much it all hurts, was willing to listen to me vent about how crazy my ex was - he just got it.

Change all the locks ... just in case he flies home ... and get his stuff boxed up and out so he can't say you're keeping all his stuff.

Ok it's been a long and emotional day but I've sent the email to him, told his mum and my family. He's responded saying that I don't have to go about things like this and that he would prefer a more inclusive conversation. He is annoyed that he won't be able to stay here or to see kids for Christmas. I had suggested in my email that he stay abroad till after the Christmas period to avoid awkwardness but of course if he is in the U.K. we can work something out. He's also saying that he's not responding to the accusation of adultery and he will defend it in the future.

So the response I've drafted says that the atmosphere in the house was unbearable before I found out and will be even worse now so it is unfair to expect us to share the same roof. I've reiterated that we can share the kids over the holidays as long as we work something out. I told him that denying it is a moot point now but he can continue to do so if he pleases. And that he should not act like a victim when he knew the serious consequences of his actions. Any other suggestions?

I would just restate that he cannot stay in the house and his belongings have been boxed up (and sent to his mums?)

I honestly wouldn't say much more. At this point, the less you say the better really as it leaves him not knowing what is going on. I wouldn't get sucked into any exchange about his adultery, his behaviour etc. Keep it very disengaged and business like.