Just found out about affair, what to do next?

[user1469355808]

So my husband and I decided to separate a few weeks ago (his idea) and have been living like strangers in the home since then. Today he left for 'the office' and left his email open and I found a lot of emails to another woman, he is clearly having an affair. There is a lot of talk about their sex life. He also mentions other affairs. We have been together for 15 years, married for 10, 2DC. His job has always required a lot of travel and this person is not in the UK. Part of me is relieved because now I can move on from a bad relationship but I need some advice on what to do now. He is leaving for another business trip on Wednesday. He will be back just before Christmas. Do I confront or just wait till he leaves and then tell him I know? Obviously I am feeling quite stabby right now, but I am worried about what he might do if found out. There has never been any violence in our marriage but sometimes when people are backed into a corner they do stupid things. Also it would make the tension in the house unbearable. Can I tell him not to come back? It is his home, he has covered and paid all bills since we got married. My name is not on the deed. I have been a SAHM since having kids. Before that his job made it difficult for me to keep a job as I would travel with him. We are definitely getting divorced, there is no going back from this. Help! Need some words of wisdom. Will try to respond when I can but he might be home soon. Also I forwarded as many of the emails I could to myself before the school run for evidence and deleted any evidence of that from his email so he should not be aware that I know.

Say nothing until you know what to do, as he could get nasty in the divorce. If you can get a fair split of the assets abs decent spousal support, then go that route.

I hope you've saved the information you saw, as it can come in handy down the line.

Disengage from him abs focus on the kids and yourself in the meantime.

Thanks everyone, your support genuinely means a lot to me. I had to 'drop something off to a friend' and drove to my friends house. Had a little cry on the way there and on her shoulder. Feel much better now. Kids are 5 and 7. He took the kids out and they just got back in and I'm snuggled up in bed 'sleeping'. Even though I am sad, I am relieved and I'm glad that I can move on instead of fighting with a struggling marriage. Will keep you updated. Tomorrow might be tricky as I don't have much of an excuse to go out in the evening but I'll bake some fairy cakes or something with DD. Lots of thoughts in my head. I'm off to forward emails to a backup email address which means I have to read them properly now yuck. When I need some practical advice, I'll come back to you guys. Thanks ever so much.

Can you go to see a film, even on your own? Just to avoid being around him.

Could you make up some bad news that you've heard? Not something he can check out. But something quite shocking and upsetting so that if it's really obvious something's wrong, you can blurt it out and say you don't feel yourself at all. It would be amazing if you could keep your discovery to yourself. I'm afraid he will have played right into your hands.

Have just forwarded all emails to a backup address. Read as much as I could stomach. I think they are in the early stages of love/lust bless them. It's a lot of 'babe I miss you so much mwah', 'this morning was amazing' and talking about a life together. He actually thinks he is a great dad. A man who has travelled over 90% of the time since we had kids and has basically buggered off to the pub whenever it suited him even when he was in the U.K. A man who has never made a meal for his children and has probably changed less than five nappies. I know I should never have accepted this but I genuinely believed his workaholic/alcoholic tendencies would come to an end someday and we would be a team. I'm really sad now. I do hope they get married and have triplets. I really want some wine but can hear him moving about in the kitchen. Am going to try to get some sleep now, good night.

Good night. So sorry. You will get through this. You sound fab.

It's scary how similar your story is to mine just a few months apart. I too had a few days of pretending I didn't know about OW while I was deciding what to do etc. I knew he was going but he wasn't in a desperate hurry to find somewhere. Eventually I confronted him and told him to go. I had about a week of pretending I didn't know. He was out some nights (probably with OW!!). Some nights I went to bed early (upset stomach!), one night I had an 'appointment' (I sat in car on phone to friends!) and another I went and met a friend and offloaded. It is so hard to be in this position OP and hope you can keep going until he has left. Definitely speak to a solicitor as soon as possible. If it wasn't for my SHL I wouldn't know just how much I am entitled to. If possible ask around for a recommendation. Best to go with one you know is good etc. But also worth speaking to more than one anyway and trying to find one you click with. Good luck!

Oh sweetheart I was in your position 18 months ago finding reams of messages. That feeling of the bottom falling out of your world because your worst suspicions are there in black and white. I wish I were with you to just put my arms around you and tell you that it will be ok.

You know the truth about his qualities now - the full reality. A good father sticks around. A good father does what it takes to take care of his children AND their mother. A good father puts his children first. It doesn't take much to be nice to them for half an hour. In your heart you know this, and you must, must, must start listening to that inner voice and those around you who buoy you up and tell you how well you are doing. It doesn't matter from here on in what he thinks.

Channel Katie Holmes or think of someone else strong.

just play it smart now.

It may seem mechanical, but you don't love him anymore so that makes it easier to do these things.

Transfer enough money from any joint account to your account, sufficient to live on next 6 months. If there is more keep transferring so you empty half out. Pay off all bills promptly, everything in your name. Get copies of everything financial. Back them up. Then take a backup of the backup. Change passwords on everything. Take all your sentimental items and put them in storage. Arrange to go and stay with friends family just before he gets back. Or rent a holiday cottage and go there for Christmas before he returns. These things sound a bit harsh, but get control. No judge is going to give too hoots about any of this given his conduct and ability to earn and control his own finances.

Kids will be fine.

Steer clear of the booze! It will only loosen your tongue.

Take care of yourself op. Instead of/as well forwarding emails you could use your phone to take photos of his laptop screen or of documents or anything else you find and email the photos to your alternative email address.

Never let on what you know. If you ever get tempted just think of how much he kept from you. Everything you have gives you a bit more power. He sounds like an utter dog turd.

Whatsvthe saying, dont get mad, get even.

Use the time he is away to get angry so that its out of your system (as much as it can be of course), that way you have a clear and unemotional mind which will put you at an advantage, especially as you will have had time to put everything in place and use the affairs to your advantage - get him off balance.

Could he have moved money overseas? That might be something to watch.

Good luck

If you haven't yet brained confonted him then by the time you read this you'll only have another 24 hours to keep your powder dry after which, with a little help from the mumsnet massive, you'll be able to go nuclear on him, OP.

Is there any chance he'll be meeting up with his latest squeeze during his business trip? If so, this thead will become an object lesson in reducing the lying lothario to a snivelling wretch in five easy moves.

Quite similar to my circumstances too-marriage apparently 'over',so best to end it-exh saying he was 'devastated' but that we 'needed to move on', no mention of the fact that he'd been having an affair with my best friend for the previous 18 months.Unfortunately I wasn't able to act with restraint as you are op and asked him about it as soon as I found out. You are doing great to keep quiet- and it will be to your advantage. I'm glad I found out when I did as amongst other things it kept me from agreeing to things that h was proposing re the financials which would have royally screwed me over.
I'm sorry you are going through this.Its a truly horrible feeling.best of luck.

Morning op. You have made it this far. Well done. Make yourself a list of things to sort out in case emotions blur you up later today. I'm so pleased you identified that I the long run this will be good for you. You will be able to build a proper life of your own.

Good morning, just a quick update. Barely slept last night. He should be out of the house for a few hours this morning so there is no awkward avoiding each other till later. I will call around to solicitors today. And make an appointment at the sti clinic. I don't think he knows. He is being a bit arsey with me this morning but it might be because we had a disagreement over discipline last night. So far I have squashed the urge to say 'fuck off to your girlfriend' and will try to keep it going till tomorrow at least. It will be interesting to see how this plays out once he realises he's caught because he's always cultivated a 'poor me working so hard to provide' persona to people and genuinely feels like he has been hard done by. He also tries really hard to make people feel like he is really nice and genuine and a good friend so I think his reputation will take a knock after this. Not my problem anyway. I have never cheated for our entire relationship. I've always focused on trying to make our family life good. So it's a choice. Have a great day everyone.

I hope the solicitor is helpful.
If not then find another one.
If you get consultations with a solicitor it means he can't use that solicitor even if you don't end up using them.
Find one that you are comfortable and happy with.

Well done on getting your evidence.
Now just get as much financial paperwork together as you can.

Make sure you get your marriage certificate.
You will need that for your divorce.

We are all talking very matter-of-fact but this must be horrible for you right now.
Keep yourself busy.
Cry on your friends shoulder when you need to.
When the time is right get all your family and friends behind you and lean on them as much as you need to.
It's an awful time but you sound strong at the moment.
The anger will help you through as well.

Try to make sure you keep hydrated and your sugar levels up.
We know how hard it is to eat so sugary tea will help.
I know ice lollies helped me through the first bit.
Soup as well (without any chunky bits)

As I always say in these situation (stolen from the Penguins in Madagascar) 'Smile & wave boys, smile and wave'
Fake it 'til you make basically.

Yes op-it will be the damage to his nice guy image that he will probably find hardest to take.be prepare for him to bad mouth you to all and sundry and try to appear the victim to everyone you know. I would urge damage limitation on this by ensuring you tell anyone important to you the real story and soon-because unfortunately people are inclined to believe the person they talk to first. Sounds harsh-and maybe the least of your worries-but actually when the dust settles it isn't nice to have to count your losses friendship wise on top of everything else-and by then it can be too late.

because he's always cultivated a 'poor me working so hard to provide' persona to people and genuinely feels like he has been hard done by

In that case, part of our mission statement is to ensure that he comes to understand what 'hard done by' means that he is the architect of his own misfortune.

Is it likely he'll be meeting up with his latest mistress and does he usually call you/the dc shortly after his arrival when he goes on business trips?

Stay strong op-there's a lot of sound advice on this board. for you.

I suspect he is planning to meet up with her and he's being 'arsey' with you because, in the cheating cunt's mindset, he has to justify his adultery with the age old 'my wife doesn't understand me'.

The five easy moves that I intend to propose will not only cut him off at the knees, but will also deliver a kick in the goolies that may cause erectile dysfunction.

How DARE he do ths to you! I'm outraged on your behalf and it will be a pleasure makng sure that his deceitful life flashes before his eyes as he realises that you've done him up like a kipper.

Hang tough, OP.

Wonder if you can't change the locks and pack all his stuff up and send it round to his girlfriend's while he's away on his 'business' trip.... what are the rules on these things.

Stay strong, you only have a few more hours to put up with