Just found out about affair, what to do next?

[user1469355808]

So my husband and I decided to separate a few weeks ago (his idea) and have been living like strangers in the home since then. Today he left for 'the office' and left his email open and I found a lot of emails to another woman, he is clearly having an affair. There is a lot of talk about their sex life. He also mentions other affairs. We have been together for 15 years, married for 10, 2DC. His job has always required a lot of travel and this person is not in the UK. Part of me is relieved because now I can move on from a bad relationship but I need some advice on what to do now. He is leaving for another business trip on Wednesday. He will be back just before Christmas. Do I confront or just wait till he leaves and then tell him I know? Obviously I am feeling quite stabby right now, but I am worried about what he might do if found out. There has never been any violence in our marriage but sometimes when people are backed into a corner they do stupid things. Also it would make the tension in the house unbearable. Can I tell him not to come back? It is his home, he has covered and paid all bills since we got married. My name is not on the deed. I have been a SAHM since having kids. Before that his job made it difficult for me to keep a job as I would travel with him. We are definitely getting divorced, there is no going back from this. Help! Need some words of wisdom. Will try to respond when I can but he might be home soon. Also I forwarded as many of the emails I could to myself before the school run for evidence and deleted any evidence of that from his email so he should not be aware that I know.

Today's the day he leaves for his trip right? And you have your own space away from him to start your plan.

Be calm, be measured. Do what it takes to create yourself and your kids the best possible scenario going forward. We're right here willing you on.

Xx

Hope you've managed to book a solicitors appointment, they can advise the best on financial matters, try and get your hands on as much detail as possible. Start divorce proceedings stating his adultery.

Well done you for not saying anything so far.

Hang in there and stay strong, clearly you are worth far more than this man.

It's very hard to get an adultery divorce unless there's a written admission. Unreasonable behaviour is a much safer bet.

And please don't steal his private documents and dump them on your solicitor, s/he will only have to send them back to him.

he's always cultivated a 'poor me working so hard to provide' persona to people and genuinely feels like he has been hard done by

This is outrageous. You gave up your well-paid job - and career - which is even more to give up, just to service him to work. I hope you keep on pushing that point in any & all legal and financial arrangements. YOU sacrificed more for his career and your family than he even gives a thought to.

It makes me sooooo angry when men do this to wives who have supported and enabled them to fly in careers I may be projecting a tad

Good luck, OP

Hi just to update. He left yesterday morning. He tried to initiate a conversation the night before about money and how important it is for me to get a career. We ended up just getting a bit shouty and I had to try very hard not to say anything about the OW. But it made me realise that he is looking for a way out so that he will still look like the good guy and things just didn't work out. I still have the element of surprise on my side. Went to solicitor yesterday and he said the emails were good enough as admission of adultery but it's a pretty clear case of unreasonable behaviour nevertheless. He has been instructed to start proceedings and to register my interest in our current home.
I am giving myself a few days to let him get settled back into his work and his OW so that he will be busy and distracted when he finds out. I am going to move some money out of our joint account to a personal account just in case he tries to cut me off when he realises what is going on. I am also going to make it clear that we will not be under the same roof when he is back in the U.K. so he needs to find somewhere to stay. And then worst of all I am going to tell his mum. We also have a lot of mutual friends so his reputation with his friends and family will take a hit. He won't know what hit him. He is going to try to play the victim of neglect (this is what he tells his childless OW) but anyone with two brain cells will see past that.
I am coping well, got some sleep now that he is gone. Been very distracted and nearly drove through a barrier yesterday! Also picked up DD from school yesterday walked inside and shut the door leaving her standing outside confused. She thought it was funny thankfully. Also managed in a mad dash to get chocolates for the advent calendar so all is well because I didn't want to sit down with kids today and have to tell them 'mummy's distracted because daddy couldn't keep his dick in his pants'.
I think the shit will hit the fan next week so I just have to get timings right. Will keep you updated. You have been great support so far. Thanks for reading :)

Enormous well done for keeping quiet, you've done so much that he really isn't going to know what has hit him

You're amazing op-stay strong.

You're doing really well 💐💐

My friend is going through something similar, she just can't find proof of the affair she knows is happening.

I would just like to add (can't see that anyone else has mentioned this) that you need to contact the Land Registry and get them to note your interest on the property if you're not on the mortgage. It can't stop him selling it but it lets mortgage providers know you're there and makes them more wary of providing a mortgage on the property (as far as I'm aware). It at least gives you a bit of security regarding that asset.

I was in very similar circumstances, workaholic DH, gave up work to be a SAHM, not on mortgage, completely financially dependent on DH. He didn't bother with the DC at all, other than to bark orders at them. I couldn't cope with basically being nothing more than frosty housemates and initiated a separation.

Really wish I'd got more of my ducks in a row before I'd ended it. Good luck OP. Life is better out of that type of relationship.

Well done OP. You are fabulous.

Don't move some money - move all the money. You may need it (voice of experience here).

It doesn't actually matter the reason for divorce so don't get hung up on whether it is for adultery or not.

And yes to blowing the whistle first. I was overwhelmed by support - I still am actually.

Finally, remember you are now playing a long game. Some of the actions you take now will help you through. Look after yourself and be utterly selfish because you have seen his true colours now.

Are you eating?

Good work op.

You are very level headed and seem so strong OP. Well done. You are in that mode right now, so do all these not so nice things now, as I found that I went through stages... anger, forgiveness, depressed, anger, emotionless.... I wont lie, you are at the beginning on a journey of emotions... don't be like me and think of 'what ifs'... keep this anger going and when he gets back, he will be hit with the full force he deserves. Is he going to the country where the OW is on this trip?

Also had a travelling ex-dh, User. The things that I gave up to support him is unbelievable. As I sit here now (a year down the line), I realize that I do not even know what I want, what I like, what I would like to do for fun... as every single thing we/I ever did, was what he wanted/for him. I worked out on average that he was away about 7 months of the year in total.... and I know deep down that half of those trips weren't that necessary, or extended for non work reasons. Nothing has changed in his job in the last year, but he has not travelled even half of what he would usually. Just proves that he made trips up, and very often to the same place over and over, of course dumb me didn't realize that was because that was where one of the ow was..... I took leave and wanted to surprise him by joining him there over the weekend that he was away (I was never ever once invited to do this)... unfortunately he found out what I was planning and he had the shit fit of note when he found out what I was planning. And here was me thinking I was doing something nice, trying to spice up the marriage... . And, while I am on the topic, isn't it strange how he would have to fly out to wherever on Friday night or Sat morning to get to be at the place for a Monday meeting...hmmm... god I was so naïve........

You're doing the right thing not covering up for him.

While he'a away, and before he knows you know, make copies of anything you can find in the house or online that proves what he earns and and assets or investments including his pension so he can't lie about it in the divorce.

Good luck OP. You are doing amazingly.

Well done OP.
You are doing all the right things.
You will be distracted a lot but don't worry, it will all come back in time.
I hope you have a productive few days.
You sound strong so keep going.

Hi just to update. He left yesterday morning. He tried to initiate a conversation the night before about money and how important it is for me to get a career.

I wonder if he is thinking if you get a job he has less money to fork out on maintenance, or maybe all this extra travelling is costing him lots of dosh?

Move ALL the money you can, do not have any guilt. If you have a hint of guilt think of doing it for your children .

Gosh, you are an incredible woman, keep going, you are brilliant.

Sounds like you're going about this the right way...I've been through it and heres what I can offer as advice.

• document everything as others have advised

• I told my STBXW family about her affair, lying, cheating, exposure to STI's, she hated this and turned into very nasty, raging lunatic. It's all about image management for the cheater, like you said in an earlier post his precious ego and image are going to take a hammering and he'll no doubt hate that.

• Kick his sorry arse to the curb, don't mess about...You've got a solicitor, use them, it will cost you short term but save your sanity and money in the long term.

• Finally he sounds a typical narcisisst. Google it, it might give you a few answers and what to expect.

Oh and the comment about you needing to get a career...mine said something similar about having a better network of friends around me prior to me discovering her affair. So caring aren't they!

He tried to initiate a conversation the night before about money and how important it is for me to get a career

I think you need to remind him - via your solicitor's paperwork - that you gave up a career to support his, and his travelling etc.

A friend of mine resigned a really good job with security, a good salary & generous pension scheme to follow her husband & raise their child (they sadly couldn't have more than one). He gradually became emotionally & financially abusive, blaming her for not bringing in a contribution to the family finances, overlooking the fact that they'd moved (to the back of beyond) for his promotion, to a place where she couldn't practise her own profession.

Her SHL-solicitor type started by going for a 70/30 split, plus she got the house (DC still under 18). She got 60% plus a good slice of his pension.

You've given up a lot for his career - he needs to recognise that.

Reported Freud idiot

HQ that was a seriously swift deletion- seriously impressive!

I echo those above support and advice- I only wonder at why you've still been sleeping with him till recently, if you've been separated for weeks- unless he's abusive/coercive .... Please don't go near him again!

We aim to impress!

for you OP.