Just found out about affair, what to do next?

[user1469355808]

So my husband and I decided to separate a few weeks ago (his idea) and have been living like strangers in the home since then. Today he left for 'the office' and left his email open and I found a lot of emails to another woman, he is clearly having an affair. There is a lot of talk about their sex life. He also mentions other affairs. We have been together for 15 years, married for 10, 2DC. His job has always required a lot of travel and this person is not in the UK. Part of me is relieved because now I can move on from a bad relationship but I need some advice on what to do now. He is leaving for another business trip on Wednesday. He will be back just before Christmas. Do I confront or just wait till he leaves and then tell him I know? Obviously I am feeling quite stabby right now, but I am worried about what he might do if found out. There has never been any violence in our marriage but sometimes when people are backed into a corner they do stupid things. Also it would make the tension in the house unbearable. Can I tell him not to come back? It is his home, he has covered and paid all bills since we got married. My name is not on the deed. I have been a SAHM since having kids. Before that his job made it difficult for me to keep a job as I would travel with him. We are definitely getting divorced, there is no going back from this. Help! Need some words of wisdom. Will try to respond when I can but he might be home soon. Also I forwarded as many of the emails I could to myself before the school run for evidence and deleted any evidence of that from his email so he should not be aware that I know.

So glad that you have found your anger. You are approaching this incredibly well.

What an absolute bastard.
No advice to give but it seems you are doing incredibly well given the circumstances.
You will have a bright future.

Wow, what a thread. I am astounded and amazed by your strength OP. You are doing so well.

Just want to add - as much as it's tempting to converse about arrangements etc, try to avoid as much as possible. Does he have all the information he needs with regards to what will happen next? If so then there is no need to engage further.

The longer your silence continues, the more rattled he'll become. Not sure you need to respond at all. Had to laugh at him preferring a more 'inclusive' conversation...he didn't prefer that option when he thought you were ignorant of his goings-on did he? You are well rid of him.

I snorted too at the 'inclusive' conversation preference. Please. His emails indicate his current affair isn't the only one he's had, and he wasn't including OP in these conversations and decisions to run about with other women while still married. And he can't argue it's only since they've agreed to separate, either. The emails make it clear that's not true. He's just fishing to find out what OP knows.

Well rid. I bet he's going mad about the lack of response to what he probably views as his very reasonable response. Notice he said he'll 'defend', not that none of it was true. He's going to look to blame the OP for his own crappy behavior.

Well done OP!! I hope you're feeling OK this morning? So sorry youre going through this. It's the beginning of a better time for you & your DC although a tough road ahead. I second all the 'radio silence' advice - it will drive a narc to distraction! I wonder how OW will like that?!
On a serious note, do be very careful with your safety & make sure doors are locked etc. I would go so far as to suggest that you only liaise about contact with the children via email. No conversation, a simple DC can be collected at X o'clock and returned at Y o'clock. Leave no room for manoeuvre or any 'misunderstanding' & phone the police if they're not returned on time as it's all about control & he'll try to 'show you who's in charge'. This man will be ruthless as you have fired the gun (so to speak) and will do everything possible to discredit you. Hold your head high & let him sweat. Let his family deal with his cheating arse. You're not alone and remember to be kind to yourself

radio silence for the weekend then a one liner reiterating that he can't move back in

At the present time the only 'one liner' that is permissible should be to the effect that you have nothing to add to your previous email and on no account should you initiate or engage in dialogue on other matters.

This isn't to say that you won't be entering into a limited amount of direct dialogue with him by emal before he returns, but at the moment it is vitally important for you to demonstrate to him that, much as you've discovered that you really didn't know him very well at all, he really doesn't know you and doesn't know what you're capable of.

You are in a unique position in that his absence from the UK has led to you currently holding all the cards and we will have to play them judiciously in order to achieve the best possible outcome for you and your dc.

I appreciate that this may go against your natural instinct to rant, rail, express your hurt and anger, and get him to agree to stay away from your home, but there are ways to achieve the latter without losing your dignity and your old school fil will hopefully prevail on him to do the decent thing.

To this end I suggest that you tell the leaking sieve your mil that after a most humiliating trip to the clap GUM clinic because he has put your sexual health at risk (subtext what kind of unprincipled cad does this to his devoted wife and mother of his dc) you feel that you can't be held responsible for what you might do if you see him this side of the afterlife next year, but that is unlikely to happen as you can't imagine that he will want or seek to return to your home as it would surely be anathema to him to live under the same roof as you when he is so madly in love and bound up with his ow.

Again, there is an element of what kind of unprincipled cad would move back in with his wife without so much as a by your leave after his adulterous behaviour has been found out? Surely a son of theirs would want to do the honourable thing and give the dw as much time and space as she wants and needs to come to terms with her discovery.

Hold firm, OP, and keep the fucker off-balance for the next week or so.

Do your inlaws know that you've decided to seperated even before the affair discover?

i sincerely hope that your silence has not been caused by his having turned up unannounced at your home after cutting short his trip, OP.

I'm floored by your strength and resilience OP. I really do hope that things stay calm for you over the coming weeks.
Thinking of you

You're doing amazing op good luck with everything xx

Hi I was planning to update in the morning to say that I have maintained radio silence over the weekend because you were right and there was nothing to add to the original email. Glad I didn't just respond straight away as a knee jerk reaction. Have spent all weekend trying to act normal and catch up on laundry, homework etc and all the other stuff that has slipped in the last week.
So he's emailed and said that he misses the kids, and that he wants to be there when we tell them about the divorce. I don't really want to be under the same roof with him so I'm thinking to tell the kids that mummy and daddy cannot live together so daddy is going to find a new home. They cannot know any more detail than that at their ages (5 & 7) and I'm sure they will accept it. Was planning to tell them on Wednesday anyway. And when he takes them to his new home he can tell them the same. I feel this might be a tactic to get himself back in the house if only briefly. I don't want him to feel that he can worm himself back into the family home under any pretence.
And he is also suggesting mediation to save on fees. My solicitor did advise that he finds that what is usually agreed on in mediation is changed by the time they get to the courts. From what I've read, a mediator is impartial and I'm not sure how I would know that I'm getting what I'm entitled to. Also you have to trust that the financial information provided by your spouse is accurate. I'm not sure if to agree to this but I guess we will have to see a mediator at some point. His tone is a lot more meek compared to the initial email where he was obviously in shock. He wants to know if I'm ok and he says he's not doing so great, poor thing

Mediation is not recommended when there's any possibility of financial abuse. Your stbxH is giving some warning signs that he will try to screw you over re the finances, as he sounds very selfish & potentially quite controlling. So do get an idea of what you can ask for and what you can get before you go into mediation. I think all divorcing couples have to show they've tried mediation anyhow, so you might have to go with it.

Good luck - you're doing so well

Aw, diddums he's having SUCH a hard time......

I think the main thing is that you should do what suits you and the Dc, you simply don't have to be concerned with him anymore

You're under no obligation to try mediation at all, it's not compulsory. I'm about a month away from getting my absolute and have never been anywhere near mediation.

Sorry, talk about pointing out the fucking obvious

he says he's not doing so great, poor thing.

He's trying to be nice out of fear that you'll screw him over in the divorce. Don't disappoint him. 😂

Mediation is indeed not compulsory, but you cannot (except for exceptions) issue an application to the court for financial orders unless you have seen a mediator for an information &assessment meeting (MIAM)

Any deal you reach at mediation is not binding unless you confirm it after getting legal advice.

Financial disclosure happens in mediation, you don't have to just trust him, although it isn't as thorough as the court process. Any deal based on false disclosure is likely to not stand.

He's not doing so great? You old meanie, spoiling his shag-fest with the OW.

What a twat he sounds.

for you op

Its very liberating to say "no that doesn't work for me". Do what is best for you and the kids.

I did mediation with my lovely solicitor in the background. I found it hugely stressful, and felt very patronised by the mediator. What mediation did though was allow me to get some significant points off the table, and since then we have avoided court by negotiating directly (with lovely solicitor supporting).

It has been expensive (see my earlier point about getting as much cash as you can) and a dark cloud hangjng over me for many many months.

I was in a fortunate enough position that I was pretty confident I had copied all of the information I could the day after d-day and didn't think there was anything hidden. If I was at all suspicious I was being duped it would have failed completely.

Solicitor first step though before making decisions about mediation.

Yes be wary when they are suddenly nice.I alway know when stbexh wants something as he will send me a chattier text about the kids a few days heifer or ask about my family or whatever. It's painfully obvious now so I just respond to direct questions as politely but briefly and leave it at that.
We did mediation. It was largely an expensive waste of time-all it did really was open dialogue I suppose-and face exh a bit of a wake up call really-he had thought I would agree to his original proposal which would have screwed me over royally-the fact that the mediator kind of just scoffed at that as being ridiculous was slightly helpful-though we are months on and still no closer to resolution.
I think they suggest you go for it anyway so you may have to to make it look like you are playing ball-but with yours I wouldn't trust a word he says in it-nothing about it is legally binding anyway.

OP -you are right not to let him be there when you tell the kids. You can't trust him not to make it all about him and upset the kids .

You are right - kids just want to know how it will affect them . So when you explain that everything will be the same - their house, bedroom, toys, school / nursery , pets .

The only change is that rather than dad working away and then coming home sometimes to sleep at their house and see them, he will have his own house and they can go to see him there .

You are doing really well..

I did mediation for access ..So different but ex just expected to get his own way there and it failed

I agree expect a whole host of tactics in order to get you to fall in line..