Just found out about affair, what to do next?

[user1469355808]

So my husband and I decided to separate a few weeks ago (his idea) and have been living like strangers in the home since then. Today he left for 'the office' and left his email open and I found a lot of emails to another woman, he is clearly having an affair. There is a lot of talk about their sex life. He also mentions other affairs. We have been together for 15 years, married for 10, 2DC. His job has always required a lot of travel and this person is not in the UK. Part of me is relieved because now I can move on from a bad relationship but I need some advice on what to do now. He is leaving for another business trip on Wednesday. He will be back just before Christmas. Do I confront or just wait till he leaves and then tell him I know? Obviously I am feeling quite stabby right now, but I am worried about what he might do if found out. There has never been any violence in our marriage but sometimes when people are backed into a corner they do stupid things. Also it would make the tension in the house unbearable. Can I tell him not to come back? It is his home, he has covered and paid all bills since we got married. My name is not on the deed. I have been a SAHM since having kids. Before that his job made it difficult for me to keep a job as I would travel with him. We are definitely getting divorced, there is no going back from this. Help! Need some words of wisdom. Will try to respond when I can but he might be home soon. Also I forwarded as many of the emails I could to myself before the school run for evidence and deleted any evidence of that from his email so he should not be aware that I know.

Consider his actions. At being unjustly suspected, any reasonable or innocent person would be out of their mind trying to persuade you otherwise. He's fishing to find out what you know, still trying to suck you in.

Build your wall, and keep communication to a minimum. Hold firm.

I have realised that words like "fair", "reasonable", "flexible", "we can sort this out ourselves" end up with me being asked to give away more than I intend (not that I do) so be very wary of what he is asking of you.

Stay strong. You are amazing. This is a really tough part - by telling people you have to relive the agony, and you are getting through it.

I wouldn't respond. You don't have anything new to say to him. Don't engage just leave it.

Wow. I agree that radio silence has a big impact.

Dropping the rope.

My X wasn't a philanderer but he was abusive and I spent years defending myself to him, that was our dynamic. I felt like I was up in the dock all the time, he was cross-examining me. Well eventually I just walked away and believe me the only thing I ever did that had any impact on him at all was to cease communicating with him. he couldn't bear that I had cut him off! That I put an end to the relationship on any level by just terminating contact. There was NOTHING because I wouldn't communicate. for years I'd been trying to get him to listen. Silence speaks louder than anything.

I had suggested in my email that he stay abroad till after the Christmas period to avoid awkwardness but of course if he is in the U.K. we can work something out

What was intended to be a cold as ice hard hitting summation of your intentions has included at least one concession too many and if you don't put your proposed response on ice, at least for the weekend, you'll be sucked into corresponding with him and he will see this as sign of weakness on your part.

It's neither incumbent on, or desirable for, you to offer any explanation as to why you don't want him in your home, nor should you be offering any pointers as to how you expect him to behave.

He's also saying that he's not responding to the accusation of adultery and he will defend it in the future

Meh. I didn't expect anything other than denial from him. As for defending the accusation of adultery "in the future", when he consults a solicitor he will be asked if he has committed adultery and he will be appraised of the eye-watering cost of defending a divorce.

If he admits to committing to adultery, no solicitor will advise him to defend. If he denies committing adultery he'll be bang to rights when his solicitor sees the emails he's sent to his mistress but, as I understand it, you'll be filing for unreasonable behaviour citing, among other things, his activities with other women therefore defending become a moot point.

As you've lit the blue touch paper, you're best advised to stand back and watch him tie himself in knots the fall out before firing off any more.

This man is used to calling the shots and he now needs to know that you've got more balls a bigger gun than he has.

OP - You rock. I love your superswift action.

You're amazing. Your husband is quite something trying to deny it.

I bet he's told OW that you know.

Stay strong and keep going. I wish other women who get cheated on with no remorse were like you.

You are as coming across as cool as a cucumber (towards twatH). Well done. I would totally shut down communication from now though. Why should you be flexible or engage in conversation with this man? At least give it 48 hours. Let him fester and stew.

Also totally seconding what goddessofsmallthings has posted. You are under no obligation to explain yourself to this man. Let himself screw himself over.

In the nicest way possible, I have to disagree with happychristmasbum (what a lovely festive name ) as telling this man that he "cannot" do x y or z will only serve to make him determined to try to override you,

To avoid this, his not being able to stay in your home has to be presented as not being an option and the most effective way to do this is to act as if him living elsewhere is a done deal which doesn't need to be revisited.

Hopefully, he'll form the opinion that you're doing everything by your solicitor's book and won't challenge this particular 'rule'.

I think realistically you need some contact re the children.

I agree with others leave it a couple of days and send a 1 liner along the line of 'you are not moving back in and thats final. I suggest you move in with your mistress'

Maybe add the only discussion you are prepared to have is regarding the children, everything else is to go via solicitors.

Good luck and keep strong!

Yes I think you are right, radio silence for the weekend then a one liner reiterating that he can't move back in. Less is definitely more. My family and in laws are very supportive. My fil thinks he can have a word with him and he would stop, he is from a totally different generation. He also said that at my age there are so few suitors. Did make me smile. Don't think he can get his head round single mothers.

On a more personal note, at the sti clinic I just told myself to just be calm because they see this all the time. Naturally I get into the doctors office and start blubbling like a baby. He was so kind and so compassionate and he told me that this is not right even though it happens. I know this but to hear it from a stranger was just the tipping point and I had a long long cry. It did make me realise that I am a good person and I don't deserve it and I didn't bring it on myself. Deep down there is a part of me that still wants to play happy families and maintain the status quo but that was what I needed as a catalyst to change.

Can you give yourself a rule to not respond to any communication for 48 hours? This gives you a breather to think things through, and will drive him bananas.

I also had to sit in the clinic. I felt so small. For me the realisation that he had put my physical health at risk was a stepping stone to being certain I wanted him out (it sounds like you are there already).

You don't deserve this. He has treated you terribly. Your life is changing and you will be now taking a different path, but you need to hang on to the fact that you didn't cause this. You are behaving completely rationally under horrible circumstances. Xx

I really feel for you but you will be happy again once this is sorted and in time you will move on.

Oh user! there are suitors. I don't know what age you are but when I left, my xfil rang me, tried to bring me back to heel and when I said no, no, out of the question, he said that I was 36 nearly 37 with two small children. I suffered badly from ''esprit d'escalier afterwards. But anyway, that was nearly a decade ago!, I had one bf for about a year and he was lovely, perfect, but I ended it because I wanted to be single again. Then I met somebody on a course. Now internet dating, had 18 dates and dated two for a while and I have a good feeling about the one I met recently.

My xfil actually verbalised it, that it was unlikely I'd meet anybody else!

Buy all the kids Christmas presents on his credit card!

Just to say, I was 40 with teenagers. My ex told me I'd end up alone in a bedsit. Nope. Met my now husband just after the divorce finalised, we had a baby together, and he happily helped finishing bringing up my other children to adulthood. Eighteen years together now.

I would keep a reply to the email short and business like, but personally, I think the best reply would be no reply at all.

I wouldn't start up a chain of emails because then you're engaging with him. For example he's saying he will refute adultery, you've drafted it's a moot point. So don't even say that, just ignore it. You know he's cheated, he knows he's cheated, so kill further discussion dead by not even dignifying his denial with a response.

If I sent it I'd say, ' You need to arrange suitable living arrangements elsewhere. Arrange for a third party to collect your stuff, or it will be put in storage on such and such a date. We will sort child contact upon your return. My solicitor will be handling with this from now on.'
Then I'd refuse to respond further.

But ideally, I'd suggest no response, straight to solicitor.

Good luck, yesterday sounds awful, I remember telling my parents and it was horrible.

Look after yourself you are amazing.

What a horrible experience to be going through OP

"Your things are being packed up and sent to [pick a safe place]. Any further communication should be through my solicitor at [contact details]."

Don't engage beyond this.

You're doing really, really well. You have all the power here - keep it and enjoy it.

So the response I've drafted says that the atmosphere in the house was unbearable before I found out and will be even worse now so it is unfair to expect us to share the same roof.

You know you really don't have to respond to him. He cannot dictate family life any more. Just don't respond.

You've done great op. Lots of love to you xx

Some men are such tossers ( sorry know that won't help) sorry 'this is happening to you.

How are you today op?